Jessie19A Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 Okay, so I have this boyfriend whom I've been dating for 6 months. A month or so ago, I caught him masterbating to naked pictures of girls on his computer while I was sleeping. The worst part about it, was that...I was a arms length away from him. ANDD We hadn't had sex for like a week, and it wasn't because of me. I've been having a hard time getting over it. I knew guys looked at porn and stuff, but I've never...actually caught someone. So after that I did a little nosing and he has millions of porn pictures saved on his computer and is a member in numerous porn sites. I've really been trying hard to not think about it, but it really bothers me. ALOT. I have lost alot of interest in our relationship even though I am totally in love with him. I really want to be with him, besides that he is a really amazing guy. I just have never liked the idea of porn but I don't care if I don't know. And now...I do and I don't know if I can be with him because of it. But, like i said I really do love him, and want to be with him, that's why I haven't broke up with him. Its why I didn't as soon as I caught him... But I can't help but be mean to him, and bash him because of catching him. IDK what to do? Confused...any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
ruby_gloom Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 you being passive-aggressive is not going to make anything better, believe me. you being "mean" to him in other situations because of what he did is going create a really big wedge between the two of you, and i'm sure that's not what you want. to be honest, i've never liked the idea of porn. i myself don't care for it, but that's the thing: just because we don't like it doesn't mean no one else will, and, in truth, our opinions of it, so long as it's nothing illegal, are just as valid as theirs. however, i would also be offended if my SO was getting off to porn while right next to me. and well, maybe not so much offended as perplexed because i'd wonder why he'd prefer that to the real act. i'd probably feel kind of disappointed, so i'm with you there. BUT, you need to talk to him. bear in mind that, truthfully, you have no right to tell him "you can't watch porn" because he does, so long as it doesn't become an addiction that interferes with your relationship (in which case, you are probably better off leaving rather than monitoring that he can or cannot do.). explain to him that it makes you somewhat uncomfortable and that you would prefer if he watches porn when you are not around, unless he wants to invite you (and you want to join). i think watching porn is a rather personal thing, so he shouldn't have a problem with this request. realize, though, that by proposing this, you are saying that it's okay for him to watch it--which it is--but you first have to figure out if you are okay with him watching it. while there is inherently nothing wrong with watching porn (i guess), some people just can't stand it, and if you are one of those people, then you are better off breaking it off because it is unfair that you force or manipulate him into not watching it if he enjoys it. also, that was a really run-on sentence. understand that when it comes to dealing with disagreements of any kind, reaching a compromise is usually ideal. let him watch his porn. as i said, i don't really like it, but you know what? it's not real. and unless it's an addiction, it really is harmless. just leave him alone to enjoy some time with his right hand. but above all, sort things out within yourself so that you know what you really want (and if you'll be able to get over this) and then talk to him. tell him you'd just prefer if he didn't get off to porn while you are, say, sleeping next to him. maybe suggest that if that's the case, he can wake you up for some real action. also, know that no matter how hard we try, we will never mirror the pleasure that they are able to give themselves through masturbation. this does not mean that sex with us (any kind) is inferior because if that were the case, every guy would be single. but, like us, they know their bodies better and have that technique "perfected" (maybe because they are used to it?). as such, maybe he wants to experience that feeling every now and then and uses porn to get himself aroused. porn doesn't have anything to do with you, really, and it sure doesn't mean that he prefers those girls, or that you suck in the sack (well...), or any of those bad things we usually think it means. it's more like a little sexy thing on the side. just don't be mean to him. poor guy. he's just a guy after all. if you keep acting this way, you'll really hurt his feelings and cause a big disharmony that may lead to the breakup that you don't want. being passive-aggressive is a reeeaaally bad thing. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 I don't think that there's anything wrong with watching porn, but what would bother me is the fact that you were there and he was leaving you out. Does he realize you wanted to have sex for a week before then? You have to talk to him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Yet another case of "Visual Cheating"! (see thread by that name) When will it end? Dump him, reccomend intensive psycotherapy, or better yet "porno rehab". It's common knowledge that there are literally dozens of available men in the world who don't look at porn. Dedicate the rest of your life to finding one! P.S. While you are at it, be sure to monitor your own behavior closely. Romance novels, obsessive viewing of Jonnie Depp and Tom Cruise movies... could lead to the rare but extent "female viewing porn syndrom". That would be a travisty! Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Just tell him you'd prefer it if he didn't do it with you right next to him, or in a situation where you might catch him. You should also talk to him though, cuz I'd be feeling insecure about the fact that I was there like that...and after a week of no sex..I'd be questioning his desires for me. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Yeah, normally Id say ok to porn, but if he is not having sex with you right there, something is up. He might have an addiction. After sex I may look at porn for another round, but my woman isnt right there at arms length. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Why don't you jump him? If you want it, don't be afraid to initiate it. If this means putting on something slinky to entice him, do it. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Why don't you jump him? If you want it, don't be afraid to initiate it. If this means putting on something slinky to entice him, do it. Hey yea...what's the reason for no sex in a week? You, him, or both? This could make a difference...not that a week is even a long time, at least not to me but I'm single, I'm lucky to have sex every 6 months. Link to post Share on other sites
directx Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Hey yea...what's the reason for no sex in a week? You, him, or both? This could make a difference...not that a week is even a long time, at least not to me but I'm single, I'm lucky to have sex every 6 months. Thats really no solution. I still think there is something going on there. He's got the real thing inches away, yet he prefers pics. Kinda like grabbing a hamburger when he's got steak on the grill. And lovelace, if that pic is really you, you won't be single for long. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Sometimes sex can get routine between partners and needs a little shakeup. Perhaps she's accustomed to him initiating all the time and is a little shy about trying something new or initiating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessie19A Posted June 23, 2007 Author Share Posted June 23, 2007 Its not that our sex life isn't great. He claims that he needs to masterbate in order to sleep.? Which, I find...umm confusing? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Okay, this is confusing Jessie. Did you not say that you hadn't had sex for a week, which is part of the reason why it disturbed you? As some of the other posters have expressed, if it bothers you, tell him not to do it while you're there. If your love life is great, I'm uncertain why this is even an issue. While I'm not into porn myself, I don't really care if it's a personal choice by anyone else, as long as it isn't an addiction therefore impacting on our sex life. If it makes you feel insecure, think about that fact that your love life is still great. If he didn't want to be with you, you would be sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveLace Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 Hey yea...what's the reason for no sex in a week? You, him, or both? This could make a difference...not that a week is even a long time, at least not to me but I'm single, I'm lucky to have sex every 6 months. aww no not me but similar! Jessie I think almost every guy I've known (well enough to say this anyway) masturbates often before sleeping...and with waking up!...I do it myself before I go to sleep, too...it's just the most convenient time...I don't need it every single night, but when I'm having a dry spell it's quite often! But the thing with men is that, they still masturbate a lot even when their getting plenty of sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 I can see being upset that he hadn't had sex with you in week but in general you're overreacting. It's just porn and it's just masturbation. It's not the end of the freakin' world. Some women (the insecure one's) act completely ridiculous over this crap and drive their poor husbands and boyfriends batty. I'm so thankful that I've never dated anyone who was so insecure that they considered images and movies as their competition. It would be as ridiculous as a guy getting jealous of a romance novel a shower head. Link to post Share on other sites
longlaffer Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 I truly understand your feelings...been there. The real question is, can you deal with it? If you can't, and that is understandable, move on sooner than later. Viewing pornography is different than porn addiction. Porn addiction can destroy a relationship. When he desires porn and his right hand more than you, THAT is an issue that will REALLY hurt you. I KNOW. Regardless of the fact that he loves you, it still destroys your self confidence. It probably isn't your fault that he does what he does. It certainly wasn't MY fault. I was available and desiring intimacy almost every day and he often just wasn't interested and often couldn't maintain an erection anyway. It was the porn and masturbation. I am willing to stay with him because he admittedly knows he is "broken inside". Those are his words. And he loves me madly. I believe that a demonstration of love would be for your guy to get counseling for sexual dysfunction. Then you know that he really wants to save your relationship. Just don't let yourself suffer. As has been said previously, there are at "least a dozen" good men in the world, and there is one for you. ...no such thing as one true soulmate. Good luck and PLEASE email me if you want to "talk" further. Link to post Share on other sites
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