bad ldr now gf wants marriage

[nola72]

I have a son (full custody) divorced eight years. she has two kids, never married the father and he died in a accident. both of us early 30's.

 

met and started a 3 hour LDR from the git go. a year into it she started breaking up with me because she stated she was "taking the temperature of the relationship" since I had not propose after a year of dating she broke up with me, completely devistating me. We got along great (5 of us) I drove 3 hours every weekend to see her and spend time with her and her girls, did everything for her to make her life as easy as I could when I was there. she use to call me mr. wonderful as did her friends, matter of fact the way I treated her sent ripples through her friends and they actually started in on their boyfriend/husbands to why they never got trated the same way. anyway, She started telling me that a year was long enough and that I needed to propose or she was moving on, I was devistated. so like a dummy I went and bought a ring and asked her, but she said no because I wasn't sincere. Well duhhh, I was about to lose something I loved more thana anything. So this went back and forth for a year now we are in for two years at this point. I was broke up and phone calls ignored for weeks at a time because of dumb things in my mind (i.e. decided to take my son to a parade in my town instead of coming over to see her) because apparently it showed some sort of temperature of the relationship WTF ??? In two years she dumped me numerous times most of the time left me standing there scratching my head wondering why?

 

So things settle for a bit after I explained to her I was hesitant about moving fwd because of the instabilty and constant break ups, she assured me it was because she didn;t feel secure and if she was engaged that would show commitment on my part, I gave her the beneifit of the doubt , so I ask her to marry me new years 2006 and told her we'd get married in June . a month later my job relocated me to three states away for 4 months. we were engaged at this point. It took me being there 2 weeks and she said she found God and since I was an 2x a year catholic I no longer fit her "new life" and was dumped and dumped hard, I was devistated again. She called about two weeks later and we started taling again but I was very leary about looking fwd to marrying someone who is so unstable and wishy washy about loving me or not. during my temp stay in this new town I was constantly being accused of cheating on her, looking for other women, etc. I was being so, so good and faithful to her, I use to call her everynight when I was in bed to sooth her insecurities, but it did not matter. She came to visit me while I was there and broke up with me again because I didn;t have any plans in place for a wedding since our wedding date was two months away (reservations, honeymoon, etc) I told her I was scared as hell about marrying her at this point because of the craziness I'd seen, she now told me it's because we were not marrried and she won't feel complete till then, she could feel my excitement level dropped off about looking fwd to a wedding, I was scared at this point. so fast fwd to three weeks before getting married, I'm still scared about doing this now but I kept telling myself I'm going to give her the benifit of the doubt that she will level out once married since based on her own admissions every man in her life has cheated and or left, so it I was thinking maybe stability in her life to know I wasn't going anywhere would change her. back 3 weeks before getting married, a few friends and I go out on the town and my friend decide to give me a quaisi bachlor party, nothing big just bar hopping and one titty bar. She calls me and asks me where I went etc. I tell her the truth and BAM she calls eveything off and tells me she does not want to marry a man who "goes to whore houses" (note: it was the first one I'd been to in years). So a year has gone by and we were basically friends for that year. I have now moved three states away. She now wants to marry me and tells me that she was always unsure if I was the one for her which is why she's acted the way she has but now she is sure and knows it. I obviously don;t believe her anymore and do not trust her one bit with my heart. I love this girl more than anything in the world and I've always has this feeling that she is the one even after all this time. she's had a rough go of it most of her life (bad childhood, relationships, etc) but I keep thinking maybe if she gets that highest level of commitment she'll change. We always have a great time when we are together but we are together for never anymore than a few days but when it's ugly it's brutal ugly and I'm left standing outside in the cold. In 4 years I broke up with her once for about two days, she's dumped me about 15+ times often for weeks at a time. We have been to pre marital counseling (1 year ago)and the counslor told her she needed to get therapy. she won't because she states the Bible is the only therapy she needs !! I have told her that if she is serious about loving me again then she has to put actions into words and move in with me so I can see that she will not run when problems arise. she won't because she now claims it is against the Bible and she will not set a bad example to her girls, which I can understand but damn. So I guess my question to you all is this .........can a marriage certificate change some ones emotional stabilty ????? If I was to completely cave in and marry her at this point I'd have my fingers crossed behind my back hoping for the best. Do I stick to my guns and make her prove it ? it's weird bacuse by typing all of this I think I have the answer run Forest run !!

[corazoncito]

Commitment sets the groundwork for marriage, not the other way around.

 

She's shown you numerous times she's not happy or satisfied with you, and she always has an excuse (that's your fault) for why she's not ready to commit.

 

Do what's best for you and your son. Move on.

[katiebour]

She now wants to marry me and tells me that she was always unsure if I was the one for her which is why she's acted the way she has but now she is sure and knows it. I obviously don;t believe her anymore and do not trust her one bit with my heart.

 

The woman dumped you because you didn't propose, then dumped you when you did because you didn't mean it? She begs you to marry her and give her some stability, but she then says she wasn't sure if you were the one for her?

 

few friends and I go out on the town and my friend decide to give me a quaisi bachlor party, nothing big just bar hopping and one titty bar. She calls me and asks me where I went etc. I tell her the truth and BAM she calls eveything off and tells me she does not want to marry a man who "goes to whore houses"

 

This sounds like a ridiculous and huge overreaction- sounds like she was looking for any reason at all to break off the scary impending marriage.

 

Plus, it sounds like there's a serious religious incompatibility here- if you marry her she will constantly be using the Bible as her yardstick to measure you (and find you lacking especially if you are a "2x a year Catholic.") Do you really want to put yourself in this kind of a situation, especially when most religious fanatics won't consider divorce?

 

So I guess my question to you all is this .........can a marriage certificate change some ones emotional stabilty ????? If I was to completely cave in and marry her at this point I'd have my fingers crossed behind my back hoping for the best. Do I stick to my guns and make her prove it ? it's weird bacuse by typing all of this I think I have the answer run Forest run !!

 

As a 27-year old who's been in 3 long term, committed relationships that I had hoped would lead to marriage, I can understand the desire for a deeper committment.

 

But I never let that desire turn me into a passive-aggressive manic-depressive religious maniac...

 

As for myself, currently in a 2-year, committed relationship (that I hope will someday lead to marriage) my goal is not to hound my b/f into that state, but to prove to him that I will be a loving, worthy, and faithful partner for the rest of his days. I moved in with him, an hour away from where I'd been living, partly to make us both happy and to show him that I am committed to our relationship. My goal is to make the best out of myself and improve myself to be a better partner for him.

 

I don't see any behavior like that from your fiancee. It doesn't sound like she's trying to compromise at all or to demonstrate her fitness as a spouse and life partner.

 

And frankly, with her suddenly saying "I want to marry you now" after a year's absence, it sounds like she's suddenly realized that no other man would be willing to give a kook like her a chance, and is running back to you as her last resort.

 

I second your thoughts on this one- Run, Forrest, Run!

[mental_traveller]

Dump her now, this will be a disaster if you get married.