shy guy AND girl

[cat]

hi all. i'll try to make this brief.

 

i've known this guy since early november. he's shyshyshy. and so am i. not personality-wise, but emotionally-- gets nervous, hard to get to know, etc.

 

we started off dating but backed off that quickly because we both freaked out. it took a while to get things back to normal and now we're at a place where we get along so well and we're legitimately getting closer and opening up. it may seem like it took a long time but i believe that all people move at their own paces and being close to others takes practice, esp. when you're dealing with two people aren't close to people (like us).

 

anyway, we get along great. he's attractive, smart, funny, and so am i. there's obvious attraction when we're together. he's always happy to see and talk to me. we see each other 2-3 times a week, most always in groups. i have a full life and always have plans, but i'd like to move forward with him. he'll joke around and make references about "us" which i imagine he'd stay miles away from if he were uncomfortable with the situation.

 

there are all the basic arguments, like "when a guy really likes you, he calls..." etc. etc. is there ever a circumstance where that's not the case? we'd talked tentatively about doing something for v-day (with a group?) yet when the moment came to discuss it, neither of us said anything. fear of rejection/looking stupid? we made plans for monday night but i'd like to see him before then. should i call to see about valentine's plans or let it go, do something else, and see him monday? also, am i crazy to think he wants to move forward with me?

 

thanks.

[Tony T]

It sounds to me like things are progressing very well under the severe communicaton handicaps both of you have.

 

Be patient and don't try to analyze things too much. At some point, talking about things should become easier and you can discuss these kinds of issues with him.

 

In the meantime, you need to confirm the Valentine's Day plans with him...one of you has got to have the courage. If he backs off, don't worry about that. The object here is not to make him the center of your world. If he's got something else to do on VD or he's just too shy to go through such a formal romantic holiday with you this early in the game, stay home and watch some good TV. Again, don't worry about it.

 

The time to start worrying is when you have one kid in the bathtub, another in the backyard swinging from a tree, another you don't know where he or she is, and you've got hot grease fixing to catch fire on the stove. That happens after you're married a few years. What's happening now in your life is minor in comparison. Enjoy these great years while you can.

[cat]

tony,

 

thanks, your advice is sound! (as always).

 

just to clarify, you're saying it's entirely appropriate for me to call him about friday plans as long as i'm not too attached to the result of the call... right? i accept the risk that he might back off if i call him. he's scared i think (and i understand that feeling!) i've learned in months of dealing with him that there will never be hard feelings, so what do i have to lose?

 

on a related note, do you have advice on how to overcome my communication problems? i just get scared, i think. and i don't say what i am thinking without even realizing i'm doing it.

[quankanne]

take a deep breath to steady yourself, then tell yourself "babysteps." And try not to analyze things too much, just enjoy the good relationship you're steadily building with this guy. Believe me, it's worth taking the time to build it up slowly and steadily because you get to know each other, you build up good communication between each other (theorectically), instead of rushing into something because you've "got" to have it.

 

sounds like you've got a good grasp about approaching him on such short notice for V-Day (letting him know you're interested in getting with him Friday, but not giving him grief if he's unable to make it). He'll appreciate that, I promise.