Rain4 Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 I'm a late-twenties black female who is, shall I say... jaded. I have a condo, a car, two cats, several degrees, and a good job,... just no one to share it with (or come home to). In all honestly, I expected to be at least in a stable relationship by now, but after several failed (and somewhat dysfunctional) relationships I am tired and generally disppointed. I already know that I must be doing some part of this process wrong, but I'm starting to think that hanging up my dating card wouldn't be so bad. I guess my question is, when do you know it's time to give up, get over it, and forget about finally finding a non-existant Mr. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
knaveman Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 You give up when you're dead. I'm 31 and never had a relationship that's lasted more than a year. It used to bother me but now I don't care. There's no time limit, no standard, no rules. We put ourselves against some sort of western standard of what we are supposed to do (usually imposed by our mothers) but never really decide for ourselves what we want to do. The wisest thing I was ever told: You cannot make anyone else happy until you can make yourself happy first. Take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place. Link to post Share on other sites
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 You're young. You have plenty of time. I've learned that not focusing on "I'm alone", helps. Link to post Share on other sites
garnet Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Dear Rain, I am in the same boat as you, though several years older. I find that the phase you're in right now comes and goes. When I'm really excited about something in my life (regarding my hobbies, goals, etc.) is when those thoughts fade into the background. The more that you focus on the negativity of your failed relationships, aloneness, etc., the worse the situation tends to become. It's not a matter of giving up on dating or not. Try to let yourself expect the very best for yourself, without getting hung up on any specific outcome. Try to always be open to the possibility of meeting someone, without focusing on it. I know how hard it is though...I'm with ya! Link to post Share on other sites
Steveto Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 I thought that by 25 I would have had everything figured out. When that came and went, it moved to 30..that passed me by and now it's 35 that I want to to have that part of my life completed..I hope...I've been riddled with the absolute worst luck as far as relationships go and sometimes it gets to me. Have you every tried to figure out what you might be doing wrong? This site is helpful. Have you tried other methods to meet people like dating sites, or interest groups etc? Whatever you do DON'T lower your standards..I did that once..never again. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Hang in there Rain. They'd call him Mr. Easy if they came a dime a dozen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rain4 Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks for the encouragement guys. I agree with all the good advice. Maybe I should work on making a few more guy friends. I guess that might help me not to be so frustrated when I'm out as the only single in a sea of couplets. It's not that I'm upset with them... it's just that seeing them reminds me that I'm disappointed for me. Does that make sense to anybody else? Anyway, I will seek to focus on the positive. Thanks again. ~Rain~ I'm just adding the bunny because I think he's cute. (1_^) Link to post Share on other sites
child_of_isis Posted June 28, 2007 Share Posted June 28, 2007 I should warn you....usually as soon as you quit looking, he shows up. So, most likely when you get to the point of "I don't need to be with anyone, I am perfectly okay alone".......wham! The Universe is going to going to throw you a curve ball. The Universe has a warped sense of humour ;-) I guess my question is, when do you know it's time to give up, get over it, and forget about finally finding a non-existant Mr. Right? Link to post Share on other sites
JulieJ Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I don't think you ever give up, but I think that you can shift your efforts to focus on other things. You don't have to make looking for Mr. Right a full time hobbie. I look at dating as something that supplements the rest of my life at times, not my entire life. I plan lots of trips and activities, and if I happen to meet someone along the way that is great. So, I haven't given up, I'm just devoting less energy to it. Link to post Share on other sites
EricOnTheWeb Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 The wisest thing I was ever told: You cannot make anyone else happy until you can make yourself happy first. Take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place. This is really true,and I'm going to be 30 in a few months and have NEVER had a relationship,not even a date. I know that I was never 100% happy in my life,because of my bad self images,and I believe this is why I kept turning relationships out of my mind(putting up a wall) I believe that if I got into a relationship it would never work out...I have too many self image problems,and shyness and such. I just never had the confidence or saw the point in bringing someone into my insecureties. The desire was there,but not as strong as it was in the past 2 years. Now it is what I desire more than anything,but I KNOW that I am not yet happy with myself,and still don't want to bring anyone into this... This is why I have this conflict going and the reason for my depressive downfall these past 2 years. I want a girl of my own,but I seriously think that I'll never be happy with myself,so I feel I still cannot bring anyone into this. It really does suck. So yeah I agree that you need to be happy with yourself before being able to seek a love interest...This is what I'm learning now,but it is extremely difficult to accept my flaws...I dunno if it will ever happen...I am trying though. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 Thanks for the encouragement guys. I agree with all the good advice. Maybe I should work on making a few more guy friends. I guess that might help me not to be so frustrated when I'm out as the only single in a sea of couplets. It's not that I'm upset with them... it's just that seeing them reminds me that I'm disappointed for me. Does that make sense to anybody else? Anyway, I will seek to focus on the positive. Thanks again. ~Rain~ I'm just adding the bunny because I think he's cute. (1_^) Been there myself. I think dating is tougher these days. People are going in so many different directions and they're maturing more slowly. Thirty's the new 20, they say. So I guess that means that you have more time to date and pair up with someone who's worth your time. The key is to have standards, to know what you want - and then stick to your guns. You can't have success until you know what you're looking for and have the self-discipline to wait for it and the self-respect to not tolerate anything less. Link to post Share on other sites
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 Ditto to everything Amerikajin said above. It takes time to know yourself and what you really want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rain4 Posted July 1, 2007 Author Share Posted July 1, 2007 The key is to have standards, to know what you want - and then stick to your guns. You can't have success until you know what you're looking for and have the self-discipline to wait for it and the self-respect to not tolerate anything less. Thanks everybody, It's true I haven't been happy with a lot of things in my life of late. I've started working on changing those... and I've also held off dating because I didn't want to bring someone into certain messes in my life. But... I do have a pretty good knack for knowing what I want. It just doesn't seem to fit with what I can have. Black women who are attracted to asian men don't get much attention around here. It doesn't help that I'm painfully shy. I've just found it easier to work to distract myself with other projects. Guess I need to follow some girlfriends' examples and take up camping. ~Rain~ "Why practice stargazing? It only leads to stardust in the eyes." ~Rain4~ Link to post Share on other sites
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