Moose Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 This last week has been terrible. Last Tuesday, my older sister died unexpectedly. She died of a heart attack, although they have no clue what caused it. She was entering an alcohol rehab program when she was talking to the councelour. She got a blank look on her face, put her head in her hands, said, "oh no".......and that was it. They couldn't bring her back at all. They couldn't even get a, "shockable" rythum. Shock hit me first, then taking care of ALL the arrangements came second......and now....relief. My family is pissed at me because I told them how relieved I actually am. Now we don't have to worry about her getting another DUI. We don't have to worry about the late night, early morning drunken phone calls. We don't have to listen to her going off on someone for something they've done 10-20 years ago. My mom and step dad don't have to stay up all night wondering if she's coming home. (yes, 42 years old, and still living at home). Mom and step dad won't be fighting over why they're still having to support her....we don't have to worry about showing up drunk, and needing a place to crash for a few days. Don't get me wrong.......I loved my sister with all of my heart and soul.....but she had a lot of demons to battle, and I'm relieved that she doesn't have to fight anymore...... Why is my family so pissed at me for that? I haven't even had the time to mourn......now this.....I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I do.....what is wrong with everyone????? Link to post Share on other sites
oavada Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 I understand where youre coming from. People in the west have this christian notion about death and so they feel they have to mourn and grieve and its horrible.. i actually agree with you tho...her pain is over, she wasnt contributing much to society but burden, and she doesnt have to deal anymore with her mental illness..shes much better off now than enduring the rest of her life in misery and pain and illness like she would have.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Sorry for your loss Moose. I understand the relief part...And now she's at peace, not suffering anymore. The rest of the family can't see what you see, so they're angry. Emotional too, so don't let this get to you too much. Your family, especially your mom, feels this loss - Doesn't matter if your sis had the problems she had, this was her baby girl that is now gone. She may not have felt her as a burden, maybe more looking after her....So that in itself is another loss for your mom, it's all she's known for many years.... Everyone grieves differently, and when someone dies, different emotions DO come out. I know this from when my own father passed away in '93, and when my aunt died afew years ago....Family is great for having support, but it can also have the opposite effect too, if you know what I mean.... Eventually (hopefully) your mom and stepdad will see that she is now in a peaceful place and not hurting anymore. She's free........... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Sorry for your loss Moose and my heart goes out to you and your family. Everybody grieves differently and at different paces.. there certainly isn't anything wrong with how you feel.. My condolences. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 sounds like your in a different stage of your relationship with her than they are: post-co-dependent, if you will. Because you've personally experienced the same path she was on, but chose to get the hell off it, your perspective is way, way different than theirs – they still have to work through the fact that she was a severe alcoholic. And because they're still a bit further down the road from you, their experience is going to be different and you'll appear cold, even hateful for not being in the thick of it with them, and I imagine they're gonna say some hurtful things because you don't experience her death the way they do. my oldest nephew and I had a conversation once about his other grandparents, and he was hurt and confused by his granny's outlook on life in her widowed state ... almost as if she were a happier person now. He knew his grandpa had some bad health problems, and was in a coma at the end, and he figured that she would be mourning him greatly. But when he'd call and check on her – or go visit her – he was surprised that she wasn't weeping or acting in great pain! Had to explain to him that she most likely was mourning his loss deeply, but because he had all those medical problems, the burden of that hurt was while he was alive suffering, and she couldn't do anything to make it better ... that in a way she might be rejoicing his death because it meant a release from all that pain. Even though it mean losing him. I don't think the boy quite understood, because he was still going through the grieving process post-death, while his grandmother had a headstart long before then. like his granny, you saw your sister's path of personal pain when others were oblivious to it, and I think you may have done your hardest grieving knowing what she was doing to herself, and where it would end up if she didn't clean up her act. Throw in a bit of anger at her pigheadedness and frustration on your behalf, then top it off with the release you felt for her at her death because you understood that even though it took her from you, it also freed her from the shackles of her disease. It will take them awhile to get to the point where you are now, but try not to let their hurt and misunderstanding get to you too much ... they need to work through that stuff, too, especially with her loss ... just be loving and supportive of them, and if need be, let them know *gently* how you feel; I loved my sister with all of my heart and soul.....but she had a lot of demons to battle, and I'm relieved that she doesn't have to fight anymore. just keep telling them that, and keep the other stuff to yourself, because they aren't going to understand until they reach a point where they see clearly how she was hurting herself by drinking. No use having them think you're trying to stir the pot by sharing your honest feelings. your family is in my prayers, moose – even when death can be a true release for someone, it's never easy for those left grieving. hugs, quank Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 My condulances to you and your family. I'm sure that while your sister was alive your family had hope. They had hope that she would beat back her demonds. I understand your feelings. She was in a bad place now she is at peace. Link to post Share on other sites
EricOnTheWeb Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Wow.....I hate seeing someone that has had such a bad life,and just 42... Sorry for your loss of your sis,Moose. I feel real bad for your sister too... Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted June 25, 2007 Share Posted June 25, 2007 Sorry about your sister, Moose. I have the following ideas: 1) While what you said was the truth, and maybe others felt the same way, it's another thing to say it. Especially so soon after it happened. So maybe it was insensitive. 2) It sounds like you weren't the one who bore the majority of the burden. So to say YOU are relieved is a little presumptuous. It's like watching others doing the majority of the work, and then proclaiming how hard it was for you when the job is done. 3) You risked saying something that could be taken to mean you're glad she's gone, when that wasn't really what you meant. But sometimes no amount of explaining can fix what people heard the first time you spoke. I think expressing those kinds of opinions so soon after the event is too risky. It's better to keep it to yourself and just focus on the positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Your feelings aren't wrong. How could they be wrong? Having a family member with such a troubling illness is stressful for the entire family. Even for those who just worry about the others. People often feel an immediate burden of guilt when a loved one dies. I imagine some members of your family feel very guilty, Moose. They wonder if they could have helped her. Or if they rejected her too harshly when she last pounded on their door for a place to crash. Or they feel guilty because they heard she had passed away and felt relieved. You were perhaps a little too honest, and maybe struck one of those guilty wounds. I hope you have the comfort of your family as you mourn the loss of your sister. You have my sincere sympathy. Link to post Share on other sites
polywog Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Sorry for your loss, Moose. Everyone here has already said what I'd like to have said about your feelings about your sister, especially how grief manifests itself in our hearts, and in your particular situation, Moose. My sympathy goes to everyone in your family, and my hope for strength and healing for all of you.... Take good care, and I hope your son is doing well, by the way. best thoughts, polywog Link to post Share on other sites
This_Too_Shall_Pass Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Very sorry to hear about your sister, Moose. What you're feeling is not unusual. Sometimes, having a person around and worrying for them constantly, can be almost traumatizing. And so, when the person is not there anymore, you feel a measure of "relief". You're not relieved because you didn't love your sister. You're relieved because you, her, and your entire family, are now past that stage of constantly being on tenterhooks. When you tell your family that you're relieved, it's partly your frustration and anger speaking. Anger at things having ended this way. Personally, I wouldn't tell the family that I'm relieved. For their sake, hold back on saying something that would hurt them even more, at this time. Besides, I know that once the anger passes, I'd miss her terribly. I wish you the patience and strength to pull through all of this. To repeat what Polywog asked - I hope your son is doing fine. Link to post Share on other sites
kimba Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 i guess you could look at it like this. My dad died of cancer last year after and on again off again battle with cancer that lasted 14 years. For the last 10 days of his life he was in hospital wacked out on morphine begging for 'no more pain, no more pain'. i begged a senior doctor for a different pain killer and he died a few days later. They were pretty much his last words. When someone dies who is suffering like that for so long it IS a relief. we all felt some relief for him and for us. We didn't say it though. the grief was immense but there is still relief. perhaps if alcoholism was uniformly considered in society as a disease much like cancer then your grief would be "valid" to 'people'. Alcoholism is a disease that affects not just the sufferer but family and friends (much like cancer). You have every right to feel relieved. You are relieved for your sister and relieved for yourself. Perhaps your mother will start to feel relieved later on- and maybe at that time, it will be your turn to fully grieve like she is now. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Don't get me wrong.......I loved my sister with all of my heart and soul.....but she had a lot of demons to battle, and I'm relieved that she doesn't have to fight anymore...... Why is my family so pissed at me for that? I haven't even had the time to mourn......now this.....I know I'm not wrong for feeling the way I do.....what is wrong with everyone????? I'd like to add my condolences to everyone else's. I guess as others have said, your family hoped things would get better for her...and what WWIU said about her still being your mother's baby girl really struck a chord for me. Siblings are perhaps more inclined to take a pragmatic, "it's obvious that things are never going to improve" view - but a parent? I think they'll always keep hoping things will work out for their baby....and perhaps the more desponent thoughts they've had to battle in order to keep those hopes alive, the harder it becomes to allow death and the grieving process to take away those hopes. Link to post Share on other sites
Nemo Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Sorry about your sister, Moose. I'm sorry, too. And I think this post tells it like it is. I have the following ideas: 1) While what you said was the truth, and maybe others felt the same way, it's another thing to say it. Especially so soon after it happened. So maybe it was insensitive.Especially this point: 2) It sounds like you weren't the one who bore the majority of the burden. So to say YOU are relieved is a little presumptuous. It's like watching others doing the majority of the work, and then proclaiming how hard it was for you when the job is done.3) You risked saying something that could be taken to mean you're glad she's gone, when that wasn't really what you meant. But sometimes no amount of explaining can fix what people heard the first time you spoke. I think expressing those kinds of opinions so soon after the event is too risky. It's better to keep it to yourself and just focus on the positive. Link to post Share on other sites
Starry-eyed Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 I'm sorry for the loss of your big sister, Moose. I understand that you loved her very much and yet are relieved, in a sense, at her passing. I had an uncle who brought out the same feelings in me at his passing. Probably, given a little time, your family will understand what you mean. But with your parents it might be harder because, as has been said, she was their baby girl and parents often have parent-colored glasses when they look at their kids. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted June 26, 2007 Author Share Posted June 26, 2007 Thanks to everyone, I really appreciate the kind words. And yes, Johan is right, there is a time to express feelings of that nature. Maybe in a few days I'll talk to my parents again if they don't contact me first......a few days of peace might allow them to see what I meant..... Thanks again everyone! Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted June 26, 2007 Share Posted June 26, 2007 Wow, sorry to hear Moose. Just know you are being thought of by your friends here at LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Moose so sorry for your loss!! I just heard from a fellow LS . I haven't been on here to much lately . We just renewed our wedding vows this past Saturday. We have been married 10 yrs last Thursday and H thought it would be great to renew our vows. We have been through alot and are still standing strong. I had a weird feeling after we renewed our vows can't explain it so did H. It was so beautiful we did it in a church this time the last time it was done at friends house by their pool. It was simple and sweet with family and close friends a total of 50 people and a reception followed at my mom and step dad's house. Everything was beautiful !! I love my h more and more each day. No matter what we still here together. I know what you mean about relief you love her and wouldn't want her to die but no more drama !!! Hugs to you and your family !! If you need someone to talk to I am here.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Moose Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 Sassy, That was wonderful news!! I'm happy for you both! Thanks for your kind words, and I probably will take you up on that talk! Thanks again! Moose Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmasMuse Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Oh thats awful for the loss Moose. So sorry, hang in there. Wow, Sassy a renewal after 10 years, that's cool. You could always start a seperate thread on your good news. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Congrats Sassy. (Yeah, definately do your own thread so we all can congratulate you properly and hear more detail about your renewing your vows...) Moose, call them today. Don't wait...Even if they're still upset with you, it doesn't matter. Don't let it boil up and into something more...(Not that it's going to, but you never know...) Link to post Share on other sites
Pixie-Minx Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Your feelings are you feelings, dont let them judge you on it. x Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Sorry for the loss Moose...... now is a time for your family to be together. Maybe your need to validate why you feel the way you do is not so important at this time. Not saying you are wrong. But no sense in trying to convince others that your thoughts are the thoughts that they should have as well. You know this for yourself, that is all that matters. No need to press forward with it or try to explain or validate it to others. Again sorry for your loss - and I likely would feel and think similar thoughts to what you are. I would just keep it to myself or discuss it with parties that would not be "hurt" by me expresssing such feelings/thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Melisande Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Also, you might still be in some kind of shock. You said yourself you hadn't started grieving properly. Even if that's not the case, you don't have to feel guilty about the emotions you're experiencing right now. I think you've been very honest and lucid about your own feelings. Many people think that they're only allowed one type of emotion after a death. Maybe your parents feel the same as you do, and your talking about it so honestly made them feel guilty about their own emotions? Anyway, take care of yourself xx Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Moose I am sorry for your loss. I can understand why you feel relief because you know her suffering and are trying to look for the positive now. Your mom and step-dad, I think, don't see it like that. As parents they probably wish they could have done more. Loving thoughts and prayers to you and your family. XO Link to post Share on other sites
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