He got a DUI and I am sooo frustrated!

[crazychick]

My husband is generally a good guy. He has a big heart, he takes care of a lot of things around the house, and is a great father to our son. We don't really fight that often but over the years (8) we have had one reoccuring arguement. How it usally starts is that he will go out with his friends and drink and then not come home. Typically this is because he drank too much and needed to stay. This maybe happens a couple times a year, and honestly I would rather him stay. My problem is not that he didn't come home on those night. My problem is that he never calls to say what he is doing. The fights occured not because I don't trust him, because I do, I know he is where he says he is. Its that for those hours that he isn't home and I don't hear from him, I am left wondering, "is he dead? Is he hurt? or is he in jail?" Why you may ask? Because IMO he doesn't pay attention to how much he is drinking and seems to always think he can get behind the wheel.

 

Now I am not a huge drinker and neither is he. He goes out drinking maybe once a month with his friends. But personally over the years, I have stopped being able to enjoy myself when we go out together because I know I will always be the person driving, not because he doesn't think he can, but because I know better. I am always tense, because I never can just have a drink or two and relax, I constantly need to be the one that is responsible. Again, its not like I need to get drunk, but I just don't feel comfortable having a drink when I have no clue how many he has had or what the situation is going to be.

 

Before you ask - yes, I have told him this. I have explained to him many many times how I feel. In our fights about him not calling I explain over and over again how I shouldn't have to sit there and worry like that because not only does he not call, but he doesn't answer the phone because he is passed out. So I have to be on edge until he comes thru the door, and usually I cry a lot when I see him because I am so angry and so relieved at the same time.

 

He has told me he won't drink like that when he goes out. He has said that he doesn't need to. Again I told him that I would rather he not drive if he is drunk, but please please call me.

 

Well last weekend, he gets home at 5 am. I asked him why, and he proceeds to tell me he got a DUI. Apparently, he blew a 1.5 which is almost twice the legal limit. He also lost his house keys and left his credit card at the bar and his car was towed because he couldn't drive. He broke into the house thru the back door because he didn't want to wake me but didn't have his keys.

 

I have so many feelings about this I don't even know where to start. I am angry about how stupid he is, that he doesn't even consider his wife and son who are at home and would be devestated if something happened to him. I am angry that he put not only his life but others who were also out driving at this time. I am angry that as an adult, he doesn't know how to control the amount of alcohol he puts in his body. Why can't he have just one or two drinks and hang out with his friends. Why does he have to have 7? I am angry because he doesn't see the ramifications that this has one his family and how for 3 months, I will have to drive him and our son everywhere. I will not get a minute by myself because of this. I am angry because who knows how many other times he has driven in this condition. And I am angry because every time I find something new out or bring up the situation or tell him I really don't believe him when he says he is going to not do that ever again, that I don't trust him, he gets angry at me! What right does he have! I explained to him that this time he gets his license suspended for 3 months and next time he could end up in jail. He says he knows that and gets made at me.

 

On the other hand, I know he is beating himself up. I know this because of the pain in his eyes and his voice when he talks about it. He said that this is something that he will regret for the rest of his life. He said that this is something he will always hold against himself and that he feels like they did him a favor by pulling him over. I am trying to be understanding, but my God its hard because I don't understand.

 

Who knows maybe this really will change him. Maybe he will be different and be more fun to hang out with. I don't know. I just know that I am so resentful of the situation that he has put us in, and how careless he is and has been that I am afraid it is going to change our relationship forever. Honestly, with God (and you loveshackers) as my witness, if he does ever drink and get behind the wheel of a car again I will take my son and leave him. And that is that.

 

I am so frustrated with this whole situation, not only because I can't really talk to him about it because it is not productive and he just acts like a jerk about it, but I really don't want to tell my family or friends, because I am ashamed of what he did, like its my fault. I know I need to overcome this crap but I just don't know how right now.

[justpassingthrough]

My problem is not that he didn't come home on those night. My problem is that he never calls to say what he is doing.

 

Selfish. Shelfish, selfish, selfish behavior on his part.

 

Personally, I believe in the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" approach. In other words, if he can do it so can you.

 

How do you suppose he would feel if you stayed out all night and didn't call?

[jmargel]

What he is doing is bing drinking. That is a form of alcoholism and if he can't go out without getting drunk that is a major problem that he needs help for. He does not have his priorities straight when he is doing this to you and your child.

 

He needs to own up and take responsibility for his actions, as long as you continue to tolerate this it will get worse. You have talked to him about this and it's gone over his head, now is the time for tough love. He needs to make a decision on whether he wants help with this or not. By you just pulling the reigns tighter won't help in the long run.

[jmargel]

Personally, I believe in the "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" approach. In other words, if he can do it so can you.

 

 

Sorry but I don't agree with that advice at all. Her husband is acting like a teenager and when you have two teenagers looking over a child, then nothing but trouble will result.

[Art_Critic]

What he is doing is bing drinking. That is a form of alcoholism and if he can't go out without getting drunk that is a major problem that he needs help for. He does not have his priorities straight when he is doing this to you and your child.

 

He needs to own up and take responsibility for his actions, as long as you continue to tolerate this it will get worse. You have talked to him about this and it's gone over his head, now is the time for tough love. He needs to make a decision on whether he wants help with this or not. By you just pulling the reigns tighter won't help in the long run.

 

Great Post JM.. I agree..

 

Hopefully he will begin his eye opening experience in court.. I hope the court orders him to an alcohol abuse class and from there I hope he seeks treatment for his Alcoholism

[crazychick]

So when you say by me just pulling in the reigns that's not enough, what does that mean? Should I try to get him to go to some alcohol treatment? Would AA be the right thing or something else?

 

I agree it is kind of like a binge drinking thing, like I said he doesn't drink all of the time but when he does its over the top. He just thinks either he is invincible, or I don't know what it is. I just think he doesn't realize that its too much.

 

Honestly, I would never disappear for a night just to get back at him. Two wrongs don't make a right and I could never do that to my son. I love that little boy far too much. This might sound like an incredibly selfish statement for me to make, so please tell me - but the other reason that I hate when he drinks like this is because a lot of times they happen the night before I have something big planned for the day. Like Easter when we know we are going to be running around from family to family. Or if I have plans to go to lunch with one of my friends on a saturday or plans to take the baby out all day while he stays home. On days when there is a lot going on I could really use his help watching the baby so I can get ready or feeding him breakfast so I can pack the diaper bag and get his clothes ready etc. But my husband is all drunk and hung over and I end up doing all of this extra work trying to get out of the house by myself. It's just so aggrevating, because I could really use his help and he's not there. It just makes me mad that he will spend weeks not drinking, and then right before I need to do something or we as a family need to do something, all of the responsibility will fall back on me.

 

Maybe thats a selfish reason to want him to stop, but the thing is I never do this to him. I can count on one hand the amount of times I have even had A drink since before I was pregnant with my son so that's over 2 years. I got drunk one night, because it had been soo long since I had a drink that 2 glasses of wine made me tipsy.

 

I agree he is acting like teenager without any consequences for his actions. So what do I do at this point to make sure he understands that I am serious, that he needs help and he needs to stop this or else?

[milvushina]

He sounds a bit like my ex with the binge drinking except a little less often. And my ex (through pure luck) never got a DWI...

NO I don't think it's selfish that one reason you want him to quit is so that you don't get stuck with all the chores revolving around important events. If he only does this once a month I would say give him his fun time, but it's RUDE to do it when you know something is coming up and it's DUMB to do it if you know you can't stop once you start, and you have a tendency to "know" you're good to drive.

 

I made my ex go to counseling because I would not put up with his drinking anymore and I told him he had to learn how to have a couple or none at all. He refused to go until I told him I was unhappy enough to leave. We didn't have a child though. If your H refuses and you don't want to give him an ultimatum, you can go yourself to AA as a spouse of someone with a drinking problem. You may get help there and tools to help him as well, I don't know. I just know my mom suggested that when i was married to my ex and he was refusing counseling. Good luck and I feel for you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I agree he is acting like teenager without any consequences for his actions. So what do I do at this point to make sure he understands that I am serious, that he needs help and he needs to stop this or else?

Your H is not "acting like a teenager", he's acting like an alcoholic. You're looking at the symptoms (staying out all night, not calling, DUI, etc.) and ignoring the disease. Unless he gets (or is forced to get) treatment AND you get help to understand what it entails being married to an alcoholic, you'll need to keep a lawyer on speed-dial. Tough situation, hope it works out...

 

Mr. Lucky

[crazychick]

Your H is not "acting like a teenager", he's acting like an alcoholic. You're looking at the symptoms (staying out all night, not calling, DUI, etc.) and ignoring the disease. Unless he gets (or is forced to get) treatment AND you get help to understand what it entails being married to an alcoholic, you'll need to keep a lawyer on speed-dial. Tough situation, hope it works out...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I guess I have always looked at someone who is an alcoholic as someone who drinks all of the time, like every night or most nights, as a constant. I have never thought about the fact that he could be an alcoholic because 1 night a month he goes out drinking like this and acts like an idiot. Otherwise he never drinks. Occasionally he will have one drink if we go out to dinner but otherwise he doesn't get drunk like this but once a month if that much. So is that really an alcoholic? I am confused.

[Mr. Lucky]

"The essential feature of alcohol abuse is the maladaptive use of alcohol with recurrent and significant adverse consequences related to its repeated use. Alcoholism is the popular term for two disorders, alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence. The hallmarks of both these disorders involve repeated life problems that can be directly attributed to the use of alcohol. Both these disorders can have serious consequences, affecting an individual's health and personal life, as well as having an impact on society at large."

 

Found this online. Does your H qualify?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Art_Critic]

he's acting like an alcoholic.

 

Actually ML.. he isn't acting like an Alcoholic.. He IS an Alcoholic.

 

CC.. He is known as a binge drinker.. it doesn't matter if he puts 2 days between his binges or 3 months..

 

Your husband has a drinking problem that has surfaced into affecting the household and people close and dear to him.. He has just gotten a DUI. that impacts the whole family and not just him.. So his drinking has gotten worse..

 

To me he is drinking Alcoholically and needs to get treatment for his problem..

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and will continue to get worse.. it won't stay the same..

That all being said.. I don't think he problem isn't fixable.. he hasn't gone down a horrible path yet.. Time to nip it in the bud

 

Go to your local AA chapter and talk with a 12th stepper ( an Alcoholic helping other Alcoholics ).

They can help you decide if you need to intervene into your husbands problem or where to go with getting him help.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So is that really an alcoholic? I am confused.

 

When alcohol is the reason or motivation for things that are adversely affecting ones life then YES he is an alcoholic. Getting him to realize it is difficult at best and THEN recovery is even harder. The motivation to NOT drink is going to have to be stronger than the motivation to drink. That's were you come in. Many times it takes loosing whats most important to you to realize it (job, family). Especially if he is a binge drinker he is going to have much the same definition of and alcoholic that you do. I do not recommend simply AA meetings for and alcoholic in initial stages of discovery. I would find a counselor who specializes in addiction and intervention. Call around. The rug has to be pulled out from under him before he realizes his problem.

[doiask42much]

Crazychick, what state do you live in? I know that in CA, DUIers, once convicted, are required by law to attend alcohol abuse classes for at least three months, with both group and one-one-one sessions, as well as AA meetings, though just half a dozen. If the BAC is high enough or there was an accident, he may have to do community service work as well. I went through this myself, and it was all very tedious but taught me a good lesson and I intend never to repeat my mistakes. Penalties have gotten stiffer since my incident, which was probably four years ago now. I am guessing you are in the interim phase where he hasn't yet been convicted? These things can take a surprisingly long time.

[crazychick]

I guess the lawyer he hired said that he will have to go to about 30 hrs of treatment. Honestly, I am glad about that. I guess when I read the things that you guys are saying, there is way more to alcoholism than I knew. The thing that makes it harder for me is that he doesn't want to talk about it. He gets angry when I bring it up, he treats me like I did something wrong. I feel like I have no outlet at all. I have explained to him how I feel about it, and that I have every right to be angry. I told him that I will not tolerate it and if he gets behind the wheel after having a drink again, I was taking my son and leaving. I told him that the baby and I deserve better than that and we should not have to deal with it.

 

I just feel horrible. I feel like by being ignorant about this I enabled him to get to this point. I just don't know what I could have done to make him stop. And I still don't know what I can do. I believe that this has to be his choice to stop. I just hope the treatment and everything helps and he really does make the right choice. But if he doesn't then I know what I have to do, and that is take my son and walk away.

[child_of_isis]

uh oh....this is freaky. You should go read my thread. I am going through the same thing somewhat. Mine started with the occasional night out with friends.

 

The thing that makes it harder for me is that he doesn't want to talk about it. He gets angry when I bring it up, he treats me like I did something wrong. .

[nittygritty]

I agree, this guy is an alcoholic. He needs to get help and you do too.

I would recommend AA for him and Alanon for you. If he is unwilling to get help than I would still recommend that you go to some Alanon meetings. It will help you deal with all of the feelings and frustration your having. Maybe the DUI will help him to see that he has a problem. Art Critic and the others are right about binge drinking and the frequency of his drinking not mattering. Although Alcoholism is a progressive disease and if he doesn't seek help the drinking usually will increase and become more frequent. You can't control what he does to himself but you can control how your effected by it. The court ordered 30 hours of treatment will help as well but AA for after he leaves treatment.

 

Take Care

[supermac]

This is so painful to read that I had to sign up. I was searching for some help for my situation when I came across this post.

 

I have a similar situation with my wife, who totalled our car and got a DUI in 2004 after a binge. She went to the mandatory counselling and even gave up drinking for about six months following the incident. By degrees we are back to the situation where she binges 2 to 3 times a week.

 

I have tried everything to get her to stop. She does go to a couselling for depression but refuses to do anything specific about the alcohol issue. I am at the point where the next incident could make me leave her but we have two kids and she has often been drinking at friends houses before I get home from work and driven them home, she also lights candles at night then passes out drunk and I cannot leave my kids in that position.

 

I really feel bad for you, I have not enjoyed myself in social settings for ages as I have to keep an eye on how much she is drinking, plus I inevitably have to drive on every occasion (I even ended up as the designated driver when we went out with friends on my birthday)

 

I am afraid that you have a long road ahead of you unless something can be done, and I honestly don't know what I could have done differently.

 

My attempts to curb her drinking made her conceal things. I know that she has Vodka hidden in the house and she attempts to mask the alcohol smell by eating peanut butter or faking that she is drinking one beer or a glass of wine.

 

My wife is selfish, your husband is too and if you do not find a way to stop it now (I really hope that you do) your life will become progressively more miserable.

[child_of_isis]

This is a very complex situation. The dynamics are really strange. In hindsight, I can see things more clearly concerning my SO and the drinking issues.

 

In my case, the dynamics are pretty much as follows:

 

 

I (relationship/home/family) become the reason for the sobriety.

Eventually, I became the reason for why the sobriety was compromised.

I became the enemy. The one to hide from. When confronted, it is my fault. Something I said, something I did. Something I didn't say or didn't do.

 

The SO says he will quit if he can come home. I say "sure, until I piss you off, right?"

 

See, the alcoholic will stay sober until you cross the line. But the line is always moving. It moves according to how badly they want to drink.

 

I recall reading something a long time ago....if an alcoholic quits for you, they will drink because of you....

 

or something to that effect.

 

I can relate to this : By degrees we are back to the situation. Degrees is the keyword.