The Inlaws are taking advantage of the situation.

[BabyJones]

I recently got engaged to a wonderful man after being together for 8 years. He is from a different Country and came to my home town to study. Half way through his studies, his parents said that he has to fund the rest of his fees as they couldn't afford too. The remainder of his fees were 20k. We ended up taking out a high finance loan to fund this amount.

 

He finished his studies 3 years ago and since then his family have constantly pleaded for money from him. They live in a 3rd world country but they do have a house and food on the table, so it's not as bad as it seems. They assume that since their Son is working in a western culture, he automatically is rich no matter what he says.

 

We've had our fair share of struggles in the past and we've dealt with them with no help from anyone. Some time ago the money situation with his family was so severe that I ended up moving out and had to re-think our relationship. We separated for 3 months and got back together after that.

 

I feel pity for him in a huge way and thank God my family aren't in a situation like his family. To top it off, his younger brother is studying in our home town and guess who has to pay for his tuition - yes, you guessed right. But it's only fair for his brother to be given the same opportunity as him, so we assumed this debt would be our responsibility and are dealing with it somehow

 

But, on top of all of that, his family are literally begging for my fiancee to send him money. The last request being 2 days ago, where his Mother called and she was crying saying if they don't receive 1500 by the end of the week, their house will be re-possessed. What is my fiancee to do? He's gotten to a point where he's so frustrated with the situation that he's started to show hatred toward his family which I don't want to happen.

 

As much as it saddens me, I'm trying to stay well out of it as I don't want to come inbetween him and his family. They make him feel so guilty and it breaks my heart to see him that way. I reverse the situation all the time and think if my family were saying such stuff to me, I would do everything I can to help them too but I just feel as if they're taking advantage of their Son's generosity and kind heartedness. They make him feel so guilty to have studied in a western culture.

 

What shall I do? My Fiancee and I have argued countless many times about this situation. He used to tell me, you will never understand as you're not from a 3rd world country but after many years of them calling not to find out how he is but just to ask for money, he's become so bitter and angry toward them.

 

What shall I do? What should he do? I understand that his family will always need help, but the more he gives, the more they want.

 

Please help. How do we move forward?

[Lynna]

You are in a difficult situation, I am sorry. Families are great for laying guilt trips. You and your F might want to consider some family counseling. They might be able to help him find ways to set boundaries with his family. He definitely needs to learn how to do that, or you need to accept that you will always be finanacially responsible for anything they need and that you thus need to get jobs that will allow you to support all of them as well as yourselves.