fighting

[allina]

Touche's thread and recent last nights events have me thinking about fighting in relationships.

 

Do all couples really fight? How often do couples fight? What does it all mean? Is fighting a bad sign?

 

My bf and I have been together for a bit under one year, living together since mid February. We have a good and healthy relationships and haven't had any major blowouts, just small arguments caused by one getting irritated with the other.

 

Last week we had that argument about where to go eat, it wasn't really a fight just both of us being irritated. Then last night we had a small tiff. We both have a lot going on right now, especially all the apartment related stress so i don't know if that had an impact on things or not.

 

We argues over me asking something and him being pissy saying he already answered that 10 times. In turn I told him that he knew I had a good memory and I'm sure I have not asked him the same questions only to forget the reply 10 separate times.

 

It was late and he was getting ready to go to bed, I said I wasn't tired yet. I ended up going next door to smoke pot with the neighbors, then sat around on LS for a bit. He was deep asleep the whole time. When I got in bed he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my shoulder.

 

This morning was fine, I expressed my unhappiness with the recent bickering ans said that I don't want that to cause things to do down hill. He said "I know, it won't, these things just happen."

 

Do "these things just happen"? A part of me feels like they shouldn't. I don't feel like there is a big problem in my relationship and I don't want to blow things out of proportion but I'm disappointed.

[tanbark813]

I think it's unlikely to have a relationship with no arguing whatsoever. I know I've never had one personally that was devoid of fighting. As long as you're not getting in big blowouts I don't think it's really a problem to have arguments here and there. Kind of a necessary evil.

[LoveLace]

Especially living together...your bound to get on each other's nerves just a little, and I'm sure that other stressors in life contribute...we tend take out our stresses on the person we come home to, but not on purpose. Small tiffs will happen once in a while, and there may even be phases where they seem to happen a lot; it's almost like the only choice is to get over them and move on...when you think about it, the topics are not significant enough to run down a relationship. But major issues are a different story. However, what you consider major might be major to your BF. I agree with him though, "these things happen", it sounds you like your relationship is fine otherwise.

[Art_Critic]

Yeah.. what Tanbark said...

 

Expect small stuff.. but if things ever get bigger then you have problems

[allina]

As long as you're not getting in big blowouts I don't think it's really a problem to have arguments here and there. Kind of a necessary evil.

 

nah no big issues or blowouts. But this is what I don't get WHY are they a necessary evil?!

[Touche]

Allina, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Don't look for problems where there are none. I don't see any problem. There's no such thing as a relationship without minor little disagreements. I mean you're two separate people with your own thoughts and opinions. You're not living with your clone. Stop looking for perfection..ain't gonna happen. But it sounds like you've got something that may be close to perfection. Isn't that good enough?

 

Your b/f's answer should be reassuring to you. He's right too.

[Art_Critic]

Good relationships are all about compromise..

 

Sometimes people just give up compromising and would rather dig their heels in.. Maybe they are just pissy.. maybe they just don't feel like they need to give in..

 

that is why it is a necessary evil.. because it really cannot not be avoided

[Star Gazer]

I agree with Tan. Just be careful to pay attention to what you're fighting about. Often times agruments that appear on the surface to be simply about petty things aren't really about those petty things, but underlying issues.

[tanbark813]

nah no big issues or blowouts. But this is what I don't get WHY are they a necessary evil?!

 

That's how early man established dominance. The weaker individuals unable to hold their own in arguments got fed to dinosaurs and lions.

[allina]

Stop looking for perfection..ain't gonna happen. But it sounds like you've got something that may be close to perfection. Isn't that good enough?

 

You know, I think I do search and hope for perfection in romantic relationships. I often feel like if two people really love each other they wouldn't argue over stupid things or get annoyed with each other. I know it isn't really true but I can't help like each little argument taints relationships.

 

Just be careful to pay attention to what you're fighting about. Often times agruments that appear on the surface to be simply about petty things aren't really about those petty things, but underlying issues.

 

Yeah I do that, too much actually I don't think there are any underlying issues, but I'm paranoid.

[Touche]

You know, I think I do search and hope for perfection in romantic relationships. I often feel like if two people really love each other they wouldn't argue over stupid things or get annoyed with each other. I know it isn't really true but I can't help like each little argument taints relationships.

 

 

 

Yeah I do that, too much actually I don't think there are any underlying issues, but I'm paranoid.

 

It doesn't taint the relationship, Allina. It actually adds to your understanding of the other person. You both haven't been together that long. In time, you'll learn what pushes the other person's buttons and when to back off, etc. It's a learning process. Please don't feel that it's bad for the relationship to have occasional disagreements. I'd worry if you NEVER, ever disagreed on anything.

 

You'd be amazed at the stuff I've gone through with my H...even on our wedding day (I'll have to tell that story some time) but you just learn to deal and try to learn something from each disagreement. But then you have to let it go. You have to. And don't overanalyze each and every disagreement. Don't let yourself start thinking that you're not meant to be just because you have a little spat.

[Star Gazer]

Here's an example of a petty fight that has underlying issues:

 

Ex and I were in Vegas, getting ready to go out to a nice dinner and a club with one of my best friends and her then-BF (both of whom he'd never met). I was getting all gussied up. He looked fantastic - nice dress pants, dress shirt. He came to me with dress shoes and flip flops, and asked which ones he should wear with his outfit. I looked at him, looked at the shoe options, and said, "Clearly the dress shoes." He said, "No, I'm going to wear the flip flops." I asked him to wear the dress shoes, as they went with the outfit and the theme of the evening (i.e., nice, not casual). He refused. I said fine and continued to do my hair. He didn't like that I didn't care what was on his feet, so he escalated the argument, claiming that I thought he wasn't good enough for me "as is" and that I was always trying to change him. I answered that I wasn't trying to change him - he already owned the shoes and was about to wear them on his own -that I liked him just the way he was, but that on that night I'd prefer he wear the dress shoes, and reminded him that he shouldn't have asked me which ones to wear if he was dead set on wearing the flip flops. At the end of the night he broke up with me.

 

Do you have these kinds of fights?

[alphamale]

Do all couples really fight? How often do couples fight? What does it all mean? Is fighting a bad sign?.

Two people are never going to be on the same page 100% of the time. Ergo, some fighting and disagreement is to be expected on occassion. This is normal for a relationship.

 

The problems come when a couple is fighting all the time or never fights. Both situations are equally as bad.

[allina]

It doesn't taint the relationship, Allina. It actually adds to your understanding of the other person. You both haven't been together that long. In time, you'll learn what pushes the other person's buttons and when to back off, etc. It's a learning process. Please don't feel that it's bad for the relationship to have occasional disagreements. I'd worry if you NEVER, ever disagreed on anything.

 

You'd be amazed at the stuff I've gone through with my H...even on our wedding day (I'll have to tell that story some time) but you just learn to deal and try to learn something from each disagreement. But then you have to let it go. You have to. And don't overanalyze each and every disagreement. Don't let yourself start thinking that you're not meant to be just because you have a little spat.

 

Thanks Touche, for some reason I've always felt like you "got me" especially when it comes to my little ideas about relationships.

 

Here's an example of a petty fight that has underlying issues:

 

Ex and I were in Vegas, getting ready to go out to a nice dinner and a club with one of my best friends and her then-BF (both of whom he'd never met). I was getting all gussied up. He looked fantastic - nice dress pants, dress shirt. He came to me with dress shoes and flip flops, and asked which ones he should wear with his outfit. I looked at him, looked at the shoe options, and said, "Clearly the dress shoes." He said, "No, I'm going to wear the flip flops." I asked him to wear the dress shoes, as they went with the outfit and the theme of the evening (i.e., nice, not casual). He refused. I said fine and continued to do my hair. He didn't like that I didn't care what was on his feet, so he escalated the argument, claiming that I thought he wasn't good enough for me "as is" and that I was always trying to change him. I answered that I wasn't trying to change him - he already owned the shoes and was about to wear them on his own -that I liked him just the way he was, but that on that night I'd prefer he wear the dress shoes, and reminded him that he shouldn't have asked me which ones to wear if he was dead set on wearing the flip flops. At the end of the night he broke up with me.

 

Do you have these kinds of fights?

 

Wow SG that's pretty nuts. No we don't have fights like this. He broke up with you for good over him feeling like you thought he wasn't good enough? I don't know the story here but it sounds extreme.

 

 

The problems come when a couple is fighting all the time or never fights. Both situations are equally as bad.

 

So why is never fighting as bad as fighting all the time?

[alphamale]

So why is never fighting as bad as fighting all the time?

because it means that someone is giving in all the time to the other person. think about it....how can two normal and healthy adults with good self-esteem never disagree or fight? its statistically impossible.

[Pyro]

Every couple will fight. Its impossible to get along all the time, but its all good becasue we all are different, so personalities will clash every now and then. What you said about deciding where to eat is no biggie, but if that were to happen everytime that you go out to eat, then it may be a problem.

 

It gets bad if the fighting, whether big or small is constant.

[Star Gazer]

Wow SG that's pretty nuts. No we don't have fights like this. He broke up with you for good over him feeling like you thought he wasn't good enough? I don't know the story here but it sounds extreme.

 

Well, my point was that a fight that I thought was about flip-flops was really about his deep rooted insecurities (which I won't go into here) and his efforts to win some sort of nonexistent power struggle. Had we been able to communicate about the bigger issue, who knows where we'd be today.

 

Anyway, I talk to much.

 

I agree with Touche here. Your fights aren't about "real issues," but just the day-to-day irritations and disagreements that you literally have to go through to gain a better understanding of one another and the dynamics of your relationship.

[allina]

because it means that someone is giving in all the time to the other person. think about it....how can two normal and healthy adults with good self-esteem never disagree or fight? its statistically impossible.

 

Okay that makes total sense, got it

[Touche]

That was nice of you to say, Allina. Thanks! Yeah, there are a handful of people on here I do "get!":laugh:

 

And to answer your question about why it's not a good sign if you never argue...I think it means that one or both people are never really opening up to the other and being their true selves. To avoid conflict, they just keep their mouth shut and never reveal when/if something bothers them. And it's just impossible for one person to NEVER piss off the other and vice/versa. It's a sign of an unhealthy relationship if two people never, ever argue. They're never showing each other who they really are. So it's a whole fake relationship with a person you never really get to know. Does that make sense?

[allina]

What you said about deciding where to eat is no biggie, but if that were to happen everytime that you go out to eat, then it may be a problem.

 

Ok the thought of fighting over every meal really cracked me up

 

Well, my point was that a fight that I thought was about flip-flops was really about his deep rooted insecurities (which I won't go into here) and his efforts to win some sort of nonexistent power struggle. Had we been able to communicate about the bigger issue, who knows where we'd be today.

 

Anyway, I talk to much.

 

I agree with Touche here. Your fights aren't about "real issues," but just the day-to-day irritations and disagreements that you literally have to go through to gain a better understanding of one another and the dynamics of your relationship.

 

I got the point you made. I'm sorry about the ex situation, sounds tough.

 

Our fights aren't over any deeper issues but they still bum me out, as few as there have been I can't help but be a little disappointed.

[Pyro]

Ok the thought of fighting over every meal really cracked me up

 

You know how stubborn some people can really be. They have to have everything a certain way(their own).

 

I can actually picture a few certain LS members who would probably be like that.

[LoveLace]

I've even heard relationship experts say arguing is healthy because it's emotional and is a form of passion. It's one way to know there is passion in the relationship...sounds strange I know but made sense to me...

[allina]

You know how stubborn some people can really be. They have to have everything a certain way(their own).

 

I can actually picture a few certain LS members who would probably be like that.

 

True. Me and my SO are both very stubborn, we both think we're the smartest, most rational people

 

Then there's me with my very high, often unreasonable expectations as to how a bf should treat me.

[alphamale]

Mike Ditka the ex-pro football coach said that confrontation is good and it brings issues out into the open.

[Pyro]

I've even heard relationship experts say arguing is healthy because it's emotional and is a form of passion. It's one way to know there is passion in the relationship...sounds strange I know but made sense to me...

 

That makes sense but their is a point in time when it may be too much too often and that is a problem.

 

True. Me and my SO are both very stubborn, we both think we're the smartest, most rational people

 

Then there's me with my very high, often unreasonable expectations as to how a bf should treat me.

 

Competition can't be a good thing, but you two sound very happy together.

 

What kinds of expectations?