Interesting problem

[ntocitilop]

Hello everyone,

 

I am new. My wife, whom I do love, has a painful set of medical problems. They are Fibromyalgia so bad that she has considered suicide and Endomitriosis. She has had these problems now for 12 years of our 17 year marriage. Needless to say that our sex life has not been much in years. I started to have anxiety attacks and emotional problems due the the lack of physical affection. When we try to have sex, she is in some hefty pain. It has driven both of us to the edge of insanity. I do not want to leave her or divorce her. I don't know what to do. She finally told me that if it gets so bad for me and if I do find someone outside the marriage to meet that need, she will not hold it against me but she did say that I should not ever make her aware of that. I don't know, I have mixed emotions and feel as if I am backed into a corner. We have a child and I am also very afraid of what may happen. I am freaked out and when I bring this up to close friends, they have no clue, just a deer in the headlights look. What do any of you say? I am at a loss. Thank you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm sure your friends get that look because there is no easy reply or answer for your difficult situation. I repect you for thinking of your family before your own physical needs - not sure how many men would be strong enough to do that. Your wife should also be saluted for having the courage to suggest alternative solutions (although I can understand why she wouldn't want to know).

 

Is she able (or interested) to have oral or manual sex with you, assuming that would be less painful for her? Many people with disabled partners have to look for creative solutions, you might want to do some research online. Doesn't have to be normal intercourse, just has to be something that works for both of you. How many different things have you guys talked about or considered?

 

Mr. Lucky

[ntocitilop]

Mr. Lucky,

 

Thank you for your response. To answer your question, after I started having anxiety attacks and then sought some counseling, I had a talk with my wife and she was willing to try to help except we would try and she would feel pain and then I would just want to run and throw up at the thought of hurting her. We tried some alternatives but it was not long that we both realized it just was not fulfilling for either of us and we were wondering who was kidding whom. It has been a very frustrating,...no...maddening situation. I approached ministers, counselors, even some friends. It was the most useless exercise in futility I ran into. Finally, that was when my wife, in the most loving sweet offer I ever heard her offer told me she gave me persmission. That was the most loving thing she has ever done as a wife and it made my heart ache. I even went to the doctor to see if my hormones could be chemically turned down and I was told they could not do that ethically. I guess I am at the stage I must find a lover. OH BOY...this is so freaking weird...

[ritamae]

I would go to the wife's next doctor appt with her. Ask the doctor yourself if he thinks she will ever be pain free. Find out from him/her what you two as a couple are supposed to do.

 

My gut is telling me that doc will be surprised to hear about the lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage and having it blamed on these two illnesses.

Endometriosis can be treated with surgery if all else failed.

Fibromyalgia has some treatments that are helpful. Check out this site.

 

http://www.fmnetnews.com/basics-treatment.php

[Windwalker]

Wow. It sounds like you both really, really love one another.

 

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist--a good one?

[gunghomojo]

Hey , what treatments has your wife undergone?

Also as Mr. lucky asked, have you and your wife considered oral, or hand stimulation.

My wife is currently about to undergo a laporoscopy to get an actual look at her diagnosis of endomitriosis , as well as the doctors have said that she may have fibroids inside her also. If not much is being done about this , I would really consider seeking another ob gyn. My wife was on depro shots for a year and we have only been dealing with her diagnosis and pain for about 2 years.

One doctor did not even consider a laporoscopy , and stuck with medicine as a form of treatment. The next doctor that we talked to had her scheduled for the surgery in less than a month.

How old is your wife? If reproducing isn't an issue then they may consider a partial or full hysterectomy.

I would certainly investigate.

I can relate to your problem,but have not been dealing with it for nearly as long as you have. We choose alternative means of fulfillment. You may consider the same.

Good luck.

Check out forms of treatment. You may be able to get some results.

[happyfish]

How is her mental health?

 

I would just want you to be certain that this comment of hers wasn't tossed out as a martyr type of response to a situation you brought to her over which she feels she has no control. The fact that she doesn't want to know about it tells me that she may have felt pressed into the offer and if that is the case you will still suffer as the betrayer if she ever decides she can't handle not knowing if or if not you are sleeping with another woman.

 

Even though you have her permission right now, it will not pass as a get-out-of-jail-free card should she look into it and find out. I think the pain will be just as deep to her regardless of what she said and the fight that ensues may be heartbreaking for both of you.

 

I'm not trying to reign on your parade, I Just want to advise you to make sure her intentions are real BEFORE you find a lover. Its my opinion that more communication and honesty is required if such an agreement is to be made. Hiding something like this will probably make you harbor guilt as well, because you know she doesn't want to know which will make it seem wrong.

 

Some good reading on 'open relationships' may be a good place to get information for both you and your wife.

 

I wish you the best of luck, my heart truly does break for your situation and hers as well.

[JamesM]

My wife has also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia. You may remember me as posting on your thread about no sex as cheating.

 

When my wife was diagnosed in about 2000, she had less pain. As time went on, she had more pain but she has never had as much as you are describing. About a year and a half ago when I really began researching how I could improve our sex life, I actually received a bonus for her. I significantly lessened her pain through a new drug she began taking, and yes, she was thankful that I took the time to care and find answers...even if my motive was different than the result.

 

Has your wife also had her thyroid checked? And if it has been called normal, what has she taken? I would suggest that you go to a website by a dr lowe. Go to http://www.drlowe.com, and I think you will find what I found. My wife had to convince her doctor that she needed a different medicine even though her levels were normal. If you cannot convince your doctor to at least try something different, I would suggest a different doctor. She switched from the main thyroid drug given to everyone, synthroid, to another one called thyrolar (which I think they are discontinuing...but another drug out there is called cytomel), and the change was significant. She had less pain than she has had in years. Her mood swings became less to non-existent, and her fatigue was much less. I remember that I would never know when I came what her mood would be. It was always a surprise.

 

And yes, for awhile, our sex life improved dramatically. Even today it is better than it has been since 2000, but yes, as you know, it needs improvement in my eyes.

 

I cannot emphasize enough to see if there is any connection to your wife's thyroid. From my research, I remember that most patients diagnosed with fibromyalgia also had thyroiditis. And there seems to be a connection to some childhood trauma such as abuse. My wife was also diagnosed with Hashimotos Thyroiditis. I remember that a doctor who was on another Board I visited was the one who suggested the website to me. And I think there was someone here also said that maybe the thyroid was more of a problem than we knew.

 

So, there may be a reason that you were led to this site, and it may be for much more than simply more sex. It could be for a better life overall for your wife...and then you. Please take the time to see if this site can be of help. I know I was skeptical, but I was amazed at the change in my wife...so unexpected...so appreciated.