...Another moRning of coping...

[Deangelo]

Yeah, I was going thru the same thing with you guys. And I do feel really different this morning.

 

My ex now is going out of town, she's gonna be based there coz she's a flight attendant. And today she's gonna leave.

 

I really wanted to call her. I do, and maybe text her saying how she's been and maybe wishing her luck. But, i don't think its right anymore. I needed to be strong. I need to get pass to her. If I dont i'll get stuck here forever. She's slips in my head once in a while. i havent called her or texted her for like 4 days already. and as much as Im tempted but I mean, there's nothing we can do about it. It's already done. Chapter ended. and even if she pleads to return, it wouldn't work for the both of us anymore...Anything that have passed will never return...Its just a matter of seeing the reality and accpeting it I guess.

 

My ex cheated on me, actually this is the second time, the first time i forgave her for what she did because i believe in second chances. There are a lot of times she lied to me...I guess its her hobbby.

 

But because of love, i was blinded by it. I ws blinded that she really cared. I fell for her. She's sweet, she's adorable, i can remember the times when we sleep together and just looking at her and saying ILOVEYOU's...I love her so much. I even took care of her...served here with all the lovin but i guess it's not enough...

 

Just this May, i have hunches that something is really going on. I wanna cry now but, yeah, there were signs already but disregarded it because I TRUSTED HER AGAIN.

 

There were on/off scenarios. But coming up to it, we were then ok...then there is this one instance that she lied for the last time...that you know ended up everything. In the couple of weeks that we cooled off. She kept on texting "I love you still, even if im like this....i just needed sometime to find myself...I'll be back...If i get back, I wanna be ready...im still here..."--for short, she wants me to wait with hopes up.

 

Then there were times she calls early in the morning drunk...talking to me and i dont really understand what she really wants...then last last sunday came...

 

She went up to see me, we made love believeing that even though we are not technically together she still loves me...i dont know what to believe in really...and then after doing it i was checkin her fone while she slept, there were 2 missed calls from the guy, and saw a picture of a guy gettin drunk the day after she went to see me, i think thursday of last last week...actually we talked on the fone. saturday nyt and she spilled some beans but not the actual story as to what im about to find out the next day.thats sunday...and then when i was checkin the other phone she has i saw the messages she sent to the guy...with the exchanging i love you's and a lot of shocking stuff..i wanna breakdown again when i remember those...then when i was crying to her and asked me what was it, i told her, i read the messages she sent to the guy...and like she was mad about it at first as to why im trying to check her things when we are not together anymore...and then she slowed down and told me the story that she was seeing this guy OLDER than us...has a wife and a kid *but according to her the guy and the family isnt married.dunno* she's 21 and im 22 the guy...30. And later i found out the same day that something happened to them already. Crap so its like, the morning something happened to us and then the afternoon she spilled those *like she has a choice to lie..the evidence is still there...* and then in those 3 weeks of not being together but continuosly texting me that she still loves me she was going out with that SON OF A B*TCH BASTARD. and Im like...in my head, im F*cki*g that bi*tch and then someone had her in bed already...I couldnt imagine...its painful...then there, alot of stuff went on, later that night she texted again saying "i dont want you to leave...no i dont...i dont know what to do without you..." but the next day, its like she never texted. She did but asking what did i do coz the guys was mad at her.and even called me dad *our words of endearment, mom/dad* and then she never replied whatsoever...and then the days followed. never texting...on my bday last 20th i texted the guy. and she was damn furious.like why did i do that?...and then the following day she i insisted to talk to her and have her answer my questions. but she wouldn't...shes trying to evade them i cried...begged...she hangs up on me...she yelled...turned the phone off...then a lot of stuff actually...

 

Then i decided not to text her. like what can i do. she chose that. and all i can do now is to stay like this forever and be miserable or stand up and make myself better for myself. I told myself its not worth any of the drama...3 days i was better, then today, its like she's leaving and i think she has plans of seeing the guy when she has the chance, they're allowed to return to manila thrice a month and then the guy would sometime go there for deadheading...*free flight for regular employees in the same company she's been working with* so there...THEY ARE HAPPY and IM MISERABLE..Im trying to make sense of the situation actually...but i dont know what to think really but what i believe in is that trying to wreck a family is not a good thing and she hurt my feelings real bad...Its her lost...its gonna be her lost...Ill improve myself...and prove her she doesnt worth the shi* Im standing up and prove that I;m a survivor...Im the better guy, she's not good for me. I loved her so much, we fought a couple of times but its not a good reason to out false hopes in the first place..and cheat...if she doesnt want me then say right infront of my face right? dont go playing and hanging me waiting for nothing. ILL GONNA MAKE IT. and i'll prove im strong without her. Its not ever my lost. In this game, shes the one who's lost. The smiles she has now, i hope it'll stay forever. I hope them the best...But on my end...Its my time to bring out my best. AND PROVE TO MYSELF MY WORTH. now beat that!