luvstarved Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Starting a new thread as the other (white lies and jealousy) became pretty long but FYI this is the luvstarved update... Went to counselor today, loaded for bear. Wanting to talk about our sex life RIGHT NOW!!!! So gave the counselor the basic spiel, the sexless marriage, the evasion, masturbation, porn, etc. He (counselor) has a way of pushing aside details even when you are BURSTING to go on and on indignantly, but in the end, it turns out that he is right in doing so. None of that matters to him...here's what's wrong and here's what you're gonna do about it. Excellent! What's wrong is that after our daughter was born, opportunity dried up. H fell into habit of masturbating and eventually some porn (which has stopped and was never that frequent). As that had been much of his prior sex life, it was not that big a deal to him. When I finally blew up about the lack of sex, he was seriously intimidated and felt very pressured so we never really got to a good comfortable place even though we started having sex again. When I was talking about it, H was getting defensive and I made a remark and the counselor, in his inimitably coy way said "well if you approached me with that sarcastic demeanor, my d**k would go soft in a NY minute". Gee, I thought I was just telling it like it is!!!!!!!!!! So, I am a shrew after all. Anyway, he just said (and sure it all seems obvious now and I have asked for it before but maybe...not in the best way) make dates to take your time and forget anything but trying to please each other...cut the crap and show the love, basically. I acknowledged that I was unaware of the sarcasm but felt I had tried everything and just had frustration oozing from every pore. But while that may be understandable, it clearly hasn't been helpful. H acknowledged that if I felt that we were only having sex because I had threatened him then he could understand why I thought he didn't think of me that way anymore, etc. Apparently he thought that we were gradually improving sexually (and there is truth in that, but it was staggered and not enough for me) and that he had just fallen into a habit and had thought himself to be adequately responsive when I blew up about it but at the same time felt that I was pressuring, etc. and that lessened his enthusiasm... We were told to find chunks of time of at least an hour to lock the door and just engage lovingly without worrying about performance goals, etc. H sounded very enthusiastic about that and even started suggesting times and scenarios. He also told me that the remarks that he made the other day about me wanting romance and poetry and forget it were BS and that he will try to quit saying things he really doesn't mean. And I will try to quit being a shrew So, adding a tic mark to the hopeful column. Link to post Share on other sites
doiask42much Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 That's great news! I sincerely hope things turn around for you. That said, with all you've been going through, it would be pretty hard to maintain a positive attitude always. The comment the counselor made was pretty ballsy! How did you react at the time? Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Luvstarved, I understand perfectly the "oozing frustration". I can also imagine that having sex with someone in that state (you, me, whoever) is not appealing. I hope that this insight will allow you and your husband to soothe each other into a new state of wedded bliss, at least in the bedroom. Go with hope, Luvstarved! Remember the great sex life you and he once had and start there. Perhaps if that dark cloud is not hanging over other issues, they will also be resolved. I was happy, by the way, to see that your husband returned to the counsellor despite that he did not agree with the way the counsellor assessed him. That is very heartening. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 It sounds like you're both now on the same team. Power plays never get you anywhere. You both really listened to what the other had to say. That's an excellent example in negotiating so that each party gets what he/she wants. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Nicely done with the breakthrough! It also sounds like it's time for a romantic weekend with just the two of you and no pressures. Consider it a kick-start to your new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 That's great news! I sincerely hope things turn around for you. That said, with all you've been going through, it would be pretty hard to maintain a positive attitude always. The comment the counselor made was pretty ballsy! How did you react at the time? Yes, very ballsy...I went "deer in the headlights" for about two seconds, then I laughed out loud! And then the wheels started turning and churning...wow, I AM A SHREW! That is what I like about this guy, though. In some ways, it seems that he is telling H what I already know about H, and telling me what H already knows about me. But hearing it from each other has just never worked out. I've had mixed success with counseling, but I do feel that if my H and I have a chance, this guy will help us find it and make the most of it, whatever that turns out to mean... Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted June 28, 2007 Author Share Posted June 28, 2007 Nicely done with the breakthrough! It also sounds like it's time for a romantic weekend with just the two of you and no pressures. Consider it a kick-start to your new relationship. Thank you for the good wishes. Honestly, I am pretty nervous about the idea of even an hour of unbridled attention to each other. It's easy to say yeah that's what we both want, but my optimism is still "guarded". I still do not get any evidence of "romantic feelings" from my H (nose in book, etc) and still have ghosts of past lies and situations that are haunting me and making me worry that he is just saying what I want to hear. But, we were away together a few weeks ago (I tagged along for a work conference of his) and there is no doubt that the sex was better and we were more relaxed together...so guarded though it be, it's still optimism!!! Link to post Share on other sites
ritamae Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 I do not respond often. I have read many of your threads. I think if you have issues that are causing you to have doubts or feel insecure - you need to make a decision right here, right now to let it go. Forgive, forget, whatever you have to do. Just leave these feelings forever. Start anew. Your man loves and wants you. Do not doubt it for a minute. Yeah, maybe it is hard for you to see it - but you just figured out that you have a miscommunication that has caused all of this. For crying out loud, think of all the other possible scenarios that may have been miscommunicated. You could be holding onto or thinking about something that is not even really true. Leave it. Move forward only. Link to post Share on other sites
Author luvstarved Posted July 3, 2007 Author Share Posted July 3, 2007 Well here is my latest post counseling update. My H and I did reconnect physically. Only time will tell how that will hold up. Meanwhile, I am doing some things that I felt I needed to do to try to get them to hold up. I stopped being a shrew. I stopped going through my days not bothering to try to MAKE myself attractive. I am losing weight (I am not really that overweight but was getting slightly dumpy - 5'8" and 147...down to 140 so far and aiming for 130). I bought new clothes that don't hang on me like garbage bags. I got better about going to gym. I am wearing a little makeup. I started going to tanning booth. I say seductive romantic things to him in the course of the day. I am looking online for new sex ideas. He is working on things, too. He has independently sought out information on controlling anger online and is doing a great job of controlling it. He has looked at me with great love and affection for the first time in years. He has allowed me to speak my mind without telling me what I am thinking. He has reflected on what made us a great couple and how much he values me. He has given my body due attention during lovemaking. Together we have talked about how bad things had become and how much we needed to get back to love and respect and thank God for this counselor. The counselor today said that we should come back in one week and then wait 3 weeks to go to another appointment. His therapy is by nature short-term and he said that we were probably going to "get sprung" after that appointment a month from now. He thinks we have finally "gotten it". I pray he is right. Link to post Share on other sites
katiebour Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Dear luvstarved, You might pick up "The Surrendered Wife" at the local library and give it a read. I initially picked it up out of curiosity surrounding all the controversy, but I think it has some good advice for women who tend to try and run the show. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Luvstarved I am happy for you and heartened to hear of your success. What a moment it must have been to hear the counsellor say he is about to set you loose on each other. I am sure that will bolster your efforts and that of your husband - you can pass this class! I know it can be a struggle to overcome habits like "shrewishness", that have evolved over time, but it can surely be done. Gentle reminders from him to you when you are going down that road, or from you to him when he is on the warpath, might help. It is amazing what loving sex can do for a marriage, isn't it? The "afterglow" can last for days. Hang on to that, luvstarved. Keep us posted. I am sure I am not the only one who likes a good news story! Link to post Share on other sites
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