Body Image Imbroglio: Situations that irritate you

[Spidergal]

[sIZE=2] It happens all the time. Someone bogs you down with a comment on your gained weight. A boyfriend tells you are not hot enough (and he is snubbing you!). The society, and the people around us are constantly influencing our body image.

 

What situations/events have led to the lowering of your body image? In other words, what are the things that irritate make you look bad to yourself?

 

I am most vulnerable to the following:

 

1. Mom's comments on my weight, and body size. She is always comparing me to my thinner ("so beautiful") cousin, and other girls we know.

 

2. Good looking actresses/models, and the appreciation they get from boys I know. OK, I try to resist that, but it just happens. Media is crowded with good-looking faces, and the jealousy factor is always there.

 

How about you?[/sIZE]

[quankanne]

it hits hardest when I shop for clothes. As a plus-size woman, the pickings are slim. And what does fit often looks like shxt because the clothes are either ugly as sin or a larger version of skank wear :laugh:

 

I realize that the bulk of the problem can be solved by weight loss, but it still pisses me off that clothing designers act as if plus-size clothing consumers don't exist :mad:

 

otherwise, I take the old fart's approach to things: I tend not to give a rat's *ss about what people say or think about my size, simply because I realize that no matter what I look like, I'm still gonna be quirky old me. And because I realize someone will always have something to comment about. So I've stopped caring. Well, unless I get compliments like the one from my tia, who told me I was so pretty because I was pretty inside – that's what I strive for. Substance over style ...

[EnigmasMuse]

I am most vulnerable to the following:

 

1. Mom's comments on my weight, and body size. She is always comparing me to my thinner ("so beautiful") cousin, and other girls we know.

 

 

Your mom seems to be the one with the issue. Hopefully you realize this and wont let her issue with your weight effect you.

 

Unless of course you're really over weight to the point where it can cause medical problems, then I would see it out of concern for your health.

[doiask42much]

it hits hardest when I shop for clothes. As a plus-size woman, the pickings are slim. And what does fit often looks like shxt because the clothes are either ugly as sin or a larger version of skank wear

 

Very funny and very true!

 

I notice that tabloids these days are just COVERED with stories regarding weight, who's lost some and looking good, who's lost too much and looks scary, who has gained. It's a national obsession. I guess it goes hand in hand with our national obsession over food. I find I spend far too much of my time thinking about what I'm eating and how my body looks and I can't escape it, ever. Just standing in the checkout line at the supermarket is a gauntlet. Have you heard of "queue shame," wherein people feel embarrassed about what they are buying and what it says about their habits? I'll admit I have cast withering looks at people before. Not nice, I know.

 

I'm a petite person and even I have weight issues and take to heart what my mother says (about others, not just me--she called Beyonce fat), what famous people look like, what my friends (the few fit ones) look like, and what I myself USED to look like. If anything, the last one is the biggest stumbling block by far. Mostly just wanting so desperately not to change but not being able to do anything much about the march of time.

 

I guess I am just trying to concentrate on being healthy rather than fixating on being waifishly thin. I do hate that exercising seems to be making my thighs more muscular and, IMO, stockier.

 

I notice, however, that shopping gives me the opposite problem sometimes, especially when it comes to pants. Apparently clothing manufacturers are cutting sizes bigger nowadays to make women feel better about buying them. It's called "vanity sizing." Anyone heard of it? Not looking for sympathy here, just thought it an interesting phenomenon from a psychology standpoint.

 

Bottom line though: when it comes to my body image, *I* irritate myself, no one else. But I have my good days and my bad days. I hope you guys have your share of good days?

[Trialbyfire]

If you exercise and eat right, as in eating healthy and reasonable amounts, there should be no body image problem. I absolutely detest the current social expectation of what constitutes a "hot" woman. The damage it's done to so many women bothers me a lot.

 

Btw OP, your mother should know better. She's someone who's influenced you all your life and should be cultivating your self-esteem, not making you feel worse.

[doiask42much]

TBF, unfortunately there's no kind of test or license required to become a mother/parent. I think good parents are the exception these days, not the rule. Or perhaps I just know a lot of screwed up people.

 

My mother is the QUEEN of making me feel bad. It's a good day when she doesn't, and she never makes me feel good. But I think she's just passing along what she was given by her mother. I hope that my awareness of this can help me break the cycle if I ever have children.

[doiask42much]

Exercising and eating right are hard! I don't have a weight issue per se but I do love to eat and hate to exercise. I do it though, but I can't say it doesn't make me cranky. It's hard to be social (go out to eat, drink) and not consume a lot of junk. If you order something healthy, people can see you don't really want it and egg you on to order something that you will actually enjoy.

 

A friend of mine performs in a dance troupe and we went out to dinner and she ordered some fish dish, and fish can be great when done right, but I guess this place wasn't all that. Anyway, she ate the thing without comment and a huge scowl on her face. Bit uncomfortable for the rest of us.

[Trialbyfire]

In realizing that your mother is flawed, you take the first step towards changing who you are and how her negativity affects you.

 

Some people become bitter and continue to mentally blame their parent(s) for causing damage and then turn around and apply this methodology to their children. Others take this experience and as stated, break the cycle. Just don't backlash and lavish. Balance.

[quankanne]

I considered myself blessed – my mother was very encouraging, never really picked at me for being chunky growing up. I guess her main concern was that I stopped dressing like a bum (comfort, baby!) and looking like "a girl" – her comments were always along the lines of "classic cuts of clothing look very good on you, this color is so flattering" and "no, baby, you look like a little sausage in that" :laugh:

 

so really, she did a good job in helping me find clothes that were flattering – only toward the end did she make comments on my weight, but even those were along the lines of "don't be like me, try to live healthy so that you won't have problems with diabetes like I have." And those kinds of comments I can respect, rather than "you're ugly because you're fat."

[doiask42much]

I don't want to blame them because I know they didn't do it on purpose. It's just hard to find a place to put that negativity, and it usually goes inside me, what is wrong with me? Why am I not loved? That kind of crap. Then occasionally I take it out on other people. I wish there were a way to make it evaporate completely. It doesn't help that they never acknowledge their part in it and just look at me and say, Why haven't you done better in your life? You have all the makings of success but have made nothing of them. They honestly have no idea!

 

Anyway back to the topic, my mother is obsessed with her weight to an unhealthy degree, even though she is far tinier than me. She goes to the gym EVERY day and freaks out if she gains a pound. My grandmother won't eat any fat at all, only rice, fish, vegetables. She looks kind of skeletal. So I guess I was destined to inherit some of the craziness.

[quankanne]

ugh, sounds like my MiL, bless her heart ... she was scandalized by weight, though she never said anything to me about it, she would have running commentaries about how her oldest granddaughter was "up to two." Two what? Turns out the kid (well, she was in her early 30s at the time) weighed 200 pounds, but it didn't look as bad on her as one would imagine because she inherited her dad's height and body build. And it was less of an issue to me because she is the sweetest person you'd ever know. Still, it bugged MiL, which I thought was funny, because SHE had problems with anorexia though no one would admit it. People can be funny, but you've got to let their opinions flow over you – otherwise you'll make yourself miserable trying to live up to their standards by adopting them as your own. And life's too short to have those kinds of hang-ups.

 

the poster who suggested adopting a healthy lifestyle has it right on the money – you may be heavier than average, but if you live healthy, you're way ahead of the game.

[VirtualInsanity]

I stopped comparing myself & listening to others. I also stopped looking at fashion mags & focus more on fitness. I can tell myself if I'm fat or not. Don't need societies imput or some toothpicks ideals.

 

I'm trying to get my athletic look back so I look more toned than bones. I did the bony thin look for a long time & it's wasn't a good look for me. I never felt right.

 

When I shop my sizes do change. What I wear in a large I wear in a small elsewhere and I've accepted that. I refuse to let myself get depressed if I have to go up a size.

 

I also stopped weighing myself & using the measuring tape. But I did use it last night & after I seen what it was I told myself to get over it and I have.

 

adopting a healthy lifestyle

 

Good idea.

 

I walk every other day, use weights (etc...) days I don't walk, & have a 30 min. stretching routine. I'm eating healthier so yea for me!

 

By the way, I'm doing this now so when I'm older I can avoid health problems.

[norajane]

I think I look great for the most part, though, of course, I have my insecurities like everyone else. As I've gotten older (I'm 39), though, there are fewer and fewer things that can trigger a 'low moment' about my appearance.

 

A few things do make me cringe sometimes - a badly lit bathroom mirror in a restaurant and suddenly I feel like my face is all washed out and where did those wrinkles come from?? I'm 5' 6 and like to wear heels when I'm out, but I end up feeling like a clumsy giant when I'm standing next to a petite girl. (Add extra 'low moment points' if she's blonde and shiny and guys twice her age are hovering around her. )

 

However, there are some things which have really made a huge difference in how I see myself and have almost eliminated those low moment triggers.

 

- Clothes shopping with my sister: she's extremely patient with going back and forth to the dressing room, forces me to try on stuff I'd never pick out for myself, and forces me to keep trying things on until we find things I like. With her help, I've accumulated a wardrobe of clothing that makes me feel great because it's all flattering to my figure, colors that work well with my hair and skin, and can be mixed and matched depending on what I'm wearing them for. There is power in a great outfit, and there are types of clothes that can make you look and feel very confident. The girl managed to help me find 3!!! great bathing suits when I needed them, which is 3 more than I usually end up finding when I shop. She also made me get rid of a bunch of clothes which weren't flattering or just not stylish in any way. If you don't have a sister like mine, I highly recommend TLC's "What Not to Wear" show, where they teach people how to shop for their figure type, regardless of whether they are tiny or large, short or tall, curvy or not.

 

- Belly dancing classes: I'm not at all fat, but I have an hourglass figure and I've never liked my hips and tummy. Taking belly dancing class was an amazing experience for me - it showed me how sexy and mesmerizing that part of my body can be and highlighted what my body can DO. It was very unexpected benefit, but belly dancing gave me so much more confidence.

 

- Yoga: similar concept to belly dancing class. It's very calming in general, but because it forces me to focus on balance and strength, it also made me understand how my body works as a whole, and gave me more respect for it. There's something empowering about strengthening my body, having good posture and flexibility. And I don't think of my body as a collection of part, some which I like and some which I don't.

 

- Living in San Francisco: lots of interesting characters there and many people are really completely un-self-conscious, and many couldn't care less what you've chosen to wear or how you look. This is subjective experience, of course - there are many fashion conscious people out there, too, but nothing like what I was used to before moving there. When people focus more on who you are rather than what you look like, it's so liberating. Now that I'm back in the midwest, I have to laugh when I see fully made-up girls walking their dogs because they don't dare walk outside without their 'armor'.

[lindya]

I think some women have a real habit of projecting their insecurities onto others.

 

I can meet a guy I really like, get a great vibe about him and feel perfectly happy and comfortable in his company. Then, you know, a particular type of female acquaintance will express some doubt that a guy like that would be genuinely interested in someone like me who isn't a surgically enhanced 20 year old. She'll speculate on how he must have women throwing themselves at him constantly...would be bound to cheat on anyone he was involved with due to wealth of opportunity...etc etc

 

Before I know it, I can find myself sucked into a really defeatist way of thinking, and accepting someone else's assumption that I'm not pretty/big-breasted/young enough for a perfectly lovely guy who hasn't given me a single reason to feel that way.

 

I actually told a woman like this, recently, that I wasn't interested in hearing her depressing tales of what she perceives men's expectations of women to be. She absolutely blanked what I was saying, and continued in the same vein. I tried again "you're really depressing to be around. I don't need to hear this sh*t." Still she blanked me and plugged on as if to say "I really need to bring you down, and to show you that I'm unstoppable in my mission."

 

It's kind of hard to retain your temper or your self esteem in the face of people like that - but I think you just have to say physically get yourself away from them unless and until they agree to stop trying to force you to buy into their insecurities and limit your own happiness potential.