reesa Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I am confused..I have been with my boyfriend for awhile now and we have had the marriage talk alot..he was married once before and also engaged( called it off just in time). I have also been married. Here is the problem, he says that the girl he was engaged to pushed him and drove him insane with wedding stuff that now he is determined not to get into that again..he knows how much I want to be married to him and he feels bad that he feels this way. He also tells me if I give him 2 years then he may be ready, I can accept that, but then the next mintue he says no, never going to happen. Adn he'll make jokes and comments infront of me, knowing how much it hurts me..also, if he is talking to people and theyask if I am his wife, he says no, not yet..then smirks..I just don't know what to think..he is giving me so many mixed signals..my head is spinning.. HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 He loves you and wants to be with you but doesn't want the drama, needless expense and futile stress of a wedding. Can't you just enjoy being together and not spoil it by pressuring him to do something he clearly doesn't want to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author reesa Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 I'm not pressuring, I have no problem waiting..it's the wishywashy of it all..yes one minute and no the next..he knows I am not like the woman he was engaged to..she was a nightmare..I just want to know what I can do to keep it from getting to me..is he just throwing me off the scent? I know he loves me and I am happy being with him..it is just very confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
candy Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 he DOES sound wishy washy...i mean, givnign you these ultimatums like 2 years--who knows where any of us will be in 2 years? i can understand his sreluctance....my BF was married and wen tthru a bad divorce, so i can see where he is gun-shy, and your BF was marreid AND engaged--but why can't they see we are not like/ are not the other women and treat us like US? then i get the "can't really afford a ring right now" like- does he ever use that one on you? but i guess if you are patient that's a plus....your gonna need to be! how long have you been dating? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Marriage is a LIFE LONG comittment to ONE person. It doesn't sound like to me that he's ready. (Yes one minute, no the other.) Any sign of a, "no" anywhere should be a HUGE RED FLAG. If you do enter into a marriage with him, I'd give it a 20% chance of survival at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author reesa Posted June 27, 2007 Author Share Posted June 27, 2007 Thank you!! LOL..No, he does't use the money aspect of it..he is fairly well off..he owns his own business..and he understands that I am nothing like the ex-fiancee..who unfortunalty has a son with so we have to put up with her..I think that is part of the problem, she still wants him and back and sticks her nose into everything..she is also a wedding planner and drove him nuts with wedding overkill, so, yeah, I can see his point..however, I don't like that he thinks our marriage will fail..or makes jokes then winks at me..sometimes I think that he is going to ask and then sometimes he'll say stuff that makes think no, never.. we have been together almost 2 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 Almost 2 years isn't really very long. Possibly he's saying the "maybe in 2 years" thing because he's scared if he's honest and tells you he doesn't want to get married that you'll leave him. Link to post Share on other sites
candy Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 the fact she was a wedding planner is a huge red flag! if you can get by without the big wedding, perhaps theres a future....but he's gotta do more than give you a "maybe in 2 years". too bad the ex still in the picture... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 27, 2007 Share Posted June 27, 2007 I don't believe in marriage... never been and never will. You've both been married before and it didn't work out... How do you know this one will? With the divorce rate these days... I really can't blame him. Just enjoy the time you are with him... marriage is only a piece of paper... Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I dont think you should settle for him not wanting to marry you. It doesn't sound like you want the same thing, that is not going to be good for your relationship. I understand his hesitation, but c'mon. Do you have any children? I don't think you should compromise what you want..you'll just end up resenting him. So what if the divorce rate is high? I dont think people shouldn't get married cause they are scared of divorce. Your marriage will fail if you go in with that attitude. Anyway, I dont really know if you should wait arund for him. What if in 2 years, he says, "well i dont actually want to get married, or i want to wait another 2 years." I mean seriously, you may be just waiting around for nothing and be miserable. You need to have a serious conversation with your bf and ask him to tell you flat out how he feels about all this..no mixed signals just the flat out truth. If he says he never wants to get married then either take a break for awhile or break up with him. There are plently of men out there, don't settle for less than what you deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
candy Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 so true! you can wait and wait and maybe nothing come of it.... Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Enema nailed it: He isn't being wishy-washy. The thing is, he really doesn't want to marry again. But he doesn't want you to leave so he is very reluctant to let you know the full extent of his resistance. He has been married once and maybe he took his vows seriously: "Till death do us apart." But the lesson learned from his first marriage was: I will walk if I don't get my needs met. But how can a man of his word stand and once again make the promise of staying together, regardless of anything, when he knows that he will walk if this or that happens ?! I think that the only thing that can make him want to marry you, is if he feels that the most important thing for you is to be with him, regardless if you are married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 Almost 2 years isn't really very long. Possibly he's saying the "maybe in 2 years" thing because he's scared if he's honest and tells you he doesn't want to get married that you'll leave him. I agree with you 100%. He could be scared and not want to get married at the moment. She did say that he was overwhelmed by his ex-finance. He probably needs time. I say, just go with the flow of the relationship. You two can still enjoy each others presence without being married. When the time is right for him, he'll propose. Just because you're ready for marriage, doesn't mean he is ready. I think nagging him about marriage is only going to turn him off to the idea even more. It's like digging into a candy bowl, only to find that there is no more candy. Like you said, he had a bad experience with it before. Give him the time to heal. He is not playing games with you. You keep on bothering him about it. I don't think that's fair. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so respect him for that. It's not like he is out right saying "I hate you and I will never marry you". It sounds like he is still trying to figure out if marriage is the next step to take. Like I said, just because you are ready, doesn't mean he is. Instead of asking him about marriage and yata.yata.yata, make him feel as though he cannot live without you. Don't take the rejection so personal, you should understand, you have been through a divorce. I don't see the big deal about marriage anyway. It's just a legal document that says everything he has is yours and vice versa. You mentioned that he owns a business. Maybe he doesn't want to share just yet? The thought of "sharing" things is nice, but some people like their privacy, too. I have something for you to think about. If you were to get married tomorrow, would your relationship be any better? Ask yourself that? Will the sex spontaneously be better than it was before? Will he love you anymore than he does now? Will things change? If you are so hung up on getting married, maybe you should find someone who shares the same values as you. But, if you decide to hang in there and go with the flow, then I suggest you not bother him about it anymore. Leave it alone, and when he does pop the question, you'll be surprised!! That is always more romantic than talking about engagement=)! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 If two people don't have the same goals in life, I think it best to not try to change the other to accommodate your needs. A guy like that could dash even up to the wedding and possibly afterwards. What you seem to want is a more stable guy who can show you consistency and have the same goals to settle down. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 With the divorce rate and the epidemic of walkaway wives who can blame a man for being scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 I don't think the poster should compromise what she wants. They want different things, simple as that. I don't think marriage is just a piece of paper, its so much more than that, at least to me. Marriage is very important to some people, and not a big deal to others. If he's scared she could give him more time, but I honestly don't think he ever wants to get married again. If she can deal with that she can stay, but resentment is going to set in, and their relationship will suffer. I don't think it's too much to ask to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 Marriage is a big step. Too many people get married for all the wrong reasons. Why lay down a future expectation for someone who obviously has been there, done that and really isn't in a hurry to re-experience this? Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted July 4, 2007 Share Posted July 4, 2007 he knows I am not like the woman he was engaged to..she was a nightmare.. What is really the difference between then and now? Since they married, he and his ex obviously had a decent relationship in the beginning. That didn't prevent the relationship from going sour in the end. Now he and you have a decent relationship. What would keep your relationship from deteriorating the same way as the previous marriage did? Is he this time actually aware what his emotional needs are, so that he can let you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Annacabana Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 I don't believe in marriage... never been and never will. You've both been married before and it didn't work out... How do you know this one will? With the divorce rate these days... I really can't blame him. Just enjoy the time you are with him... marriage is only a piece of paper... If marriage is only a piece of paper this guy would have no problem getting married. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 If marriage is only a piece of paper this guy would have no problem getting married. Marriage is way more than a piece of paper. It is like death row where a man never knows when the execution date will come but in this case it is divorce which a woman can drop at any minute. The man doesn't die but after her and her lawyers get through with him he might as well be dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Raspberry Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 How old are you? If you want to start a family, putting off marriage and kids for two more years could make a difference. I personally don't think he's that into you. If he were, he'd want to marry you. Plus he's disrespectful of the relationship in that he makes jokes which are hurtful to you. If you have been seeing him for two years, it is not too early to expect to be married. It is an unreasonable expectation to have to wait two more years. A guy who really loves you wants to make you his wife and make the ultimate commitment with you. I completely agree that even if this guy does get engaged to you, he is totally the unstable type who will bail before the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Raspberry Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Marriage is way more than a piece of paper. It is like death row where a man never knows when the execution date will come but in this case it is divorce which a woman can drop at any minute. The man doesn't die but after her and her lawyers get through with him he might as well be dead. Wrong. It is women who suffer the most financially in a divorce, that is a proven statistical fact. They lose a LOT more financially than men. However, women are better at bouncing back and getting their lives together after a life crisis such as a divorce. Men are the real whiners and bitchers of the world, if you ask me. I've read a lot of this whiny man crap and it gets old. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 Wrong. It is women who suffer the most financially in a divorce, that is a proven statistical fact. They lose a LOT more financially than men. However, women are better at bouncing back and getting their lives together after a life crisis such as a divorce. Men are the real whiners and bitchers of the world, if you ask me. I've read a lot of this whiny man crap and it gets old. It is proven fact that women file 75% of divorces It is proven fact that courts almost always side with the woman when it comes to children A man never knows when one day his wife will turn on him and want out. It can take him completely by suprise so what reason is there for men to marry if she is just going to divorce him anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 It is proven fact that women file 75% of divorces It is proven fact that courts almost always side with the woman when it comes to children A man never knows when one day his wife will turn on him and want out. It can take him completely by suprise so what reason is there for men to marry if she is just going to divorce him anyway? Ah come on, not all women are like that. It's just a question of finding the right women and the right man matched together..and yeah you do have to gamble to find out if that will happen. I don't think men should stop getting married because of it though! Link to post Share on other sites
Lezbean Posted July 5, 2007 Share Posted July 5, 2007 When I first met my FH two years ago .he said he would never ever get married again. Bwaaa haaa haaaa guess who's getting married in January! We are! I agree with the folks who say when they meet the right one they will marry them. Link to post Share on other sites
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