Living in daily turmoil

[Cobra_X30]

Try to understand where your desire for this guy comes from. It really sounds like you desire a "bad boy" type.

 

Look your just feeding this other dude's ego. He basically views you as a booty call. He uses that anger AND your situation to control you. He is going to use you like kleenex. Is there any particular reason you cant take control of the situation??? This guy would probably do whatever you want if you told him to limit contact or you would tell his wife, cause my bet is she doesnt know.

 

If you cant control your work situation, you will wreck your marriage. Look, when you cheat on your H, you cheat on your kids. I would have given up all the private schooling... toys... EVERYTHING, for my mom to have stood up and done the right thing. Now that I'm grown up I hate her... and pity her.

[Zoomarch]

Emotional abuse. Flat out. Your OM has self-esteem issues, not too different from the ones you say your H has.

 

He had to knock you down to make himself feel like the stud getting the "hottest" woman he ever had? Bas*tard!!

 

You need some help getting this man off your mind. I can think of a few things that will make you never look at him the same ever again. You will even be able to take his calls again and focus on work.

 

I absolutely HATE men that deflate our egos to inflate their own!!

 

BTW, I think you did good telling your H. I couldn't have done that myself. I admire that.

 

 

I would love to know those few things that would never make me look at him the same again. If I were told I could do something to rid my feelings for him, I would do anything.

[Zoomarch]

Try to understand where your desire for this guy comes from. It really sounds like you desire a "bad boy" type.

 

Look your just feeding this other dude's ego. He basically views you as a booty call. He uses that anger AND your situation to control you. He is going to use you like kleenex. Is there any particular reason you cant take control of the situation??? This guy would probably do whatever you want if you told him to limit contact or you would tell his wife, cause my bet is she doesnt know.

 

If you cant control your work situation, you will wreck your marriage. Look, when you cheat on your H, you cheat on your kids. I would have given up all the private schooling... toys... EVERYTHING, for my mom to have stood up and done the right thing. Now that I'm grown up I hate her... and pity her.

 

I can't take control of it because we started out as best friends. Losing him is like a death to me. The death of a best friend that I don't feel anyone can replace; and worse, the death of the person I thought he was. This affair happened because we had already become such close friends. And it probably would have happened sooner if we didn't live in different states.

 

And yes, you pegged it - my kids do go to private school and have everything they could ever want. They love their wonderful dad - they do see me as a workaholic but they are extremely respectful - I actually have no doubt that they would forgive me for this because I think they secretly feel I work so much because their dad doesn't. Don't get me wrong, he works a full-time schedule and is a hard worker, but he doesn't do anything extra to better himself and lives for the moment to get off work.

 

My H is actually much better looking that this OM - So it's definintely not physical w/ me. My H is MUCH taller, in better shape and is even better in bed - Yet, I feel unbelievable when making love to the OM - even though my H is better in bed. Go figure that one out? That doesn't even make sense to me. I don't know how it can make sense to anyone else.

[Zoomarch]

Also, sometimes I wonder if all I did was improve his marriage and ruin mine. When we first started the affair, I could tell he had zero passion in his marriage. He said the sex w/ me was unbelievable. Said we did things he's never experienced before. I taught him things that only improved his sex life w/ his wife. As I type that, it makes me so sad.

[Cobra_X30]

I'm calling Bull**** on that one. I really doubt that you improved his M with an A.

 

LOL... he is treating you like a dog. I praise and reward behavior that I like and want to see more of... and punish behavior that I don't like.

 

Listen, I know exactly where your kids are at. I've been there. When I tell you that when your kids grow up and are going to open thier eyes, Im not joking. Yes it took some time for me to realize who my mom was, but at 18 it hit me like a brick. Yeah, at the time it seemed great to have all these nice things and feel privelaged, but when I got older I realized what I missed not having mom around much. Material things can never make up for my mom bieng gone all the time. Money 1st, Family 2nd... and she used to sit next to me in church every sunday. Makes me sick!

[Zoomarch]

I'm calling Bull**** on that one. I really doubt that you improved his M with an A.

 

LOL... he is treating you like a dog. I praise and reward behavior that I like and want to see more of... and punish behavior that I don't like.

 

Listen, I know exactly where your kids are at. I've been there. When I tell you that when your kids grow up and are going to open thier eyes, Im not joking. Yes it took some time for me to realize who my mom was, but at 18 it hit me like a brick. Yeah, at the time it seemed great to have all these nice things and feel privelaged, but when I got older I realized what I missed not having mom around much. Material things can never make up for my mom bieng gone all the time. Money 1st, Family 2nd... and she used to sit next to me in church every sunday. Makes me sick!

 

 

I should probably point out that as I write this, my kids are in the next room. I work from home. My kids have never even set foot in daycare. I am extremely over-protective of my kids. They've never even had a sitter except for my mother, my sister and my niece... They are with me all the time. I pick them up from school everyday - they've never even seen the inside of a bus.

 

I understand your abandonment issues though.... My father left my family after being married to my mother for 19 years. When he left her, he left us too. I never understood how a parent could abandon their own children even if they felt the need to leave their spouse.

 

And for the record, my kids have always, and will always come first with me. They would even tell you that. BTW, they don't know about the affair; my husband does. He doesn't know I still have these feelings though, which was the point of my original post. My H agreed that the kids have nothing to do w/ this and would never know; at least not from him. Lastly, it's never a good idea to stay in a marriage for the kids sake - In my case, my kids are really oblivious to this entire situation. All they see is daddy, loving on mommy all the time. They don't have a clue and that is the way it will stay. I don't want to leave my marriage. I want to leave these feelings ---

[Tomcat33]

Also, sometimes I wonder if all I did was improve his marriage and ruin mine. When we first started the affair, I could tell he had zero passion in his marriage. He said the sex w/ me was unbelievable. Said we did things he's never experienced before. I taught him things that only improved his sex life w/ his wife. As I type that, it makes me so sad.

 

 

Yeah they all say that! He prob did all that and MUCH more with his W, it just felt different with you, it felt new.

 

 

I don't want to leave my marriage. I want to leave these feelings ---

 

Get help you clearly need help if you can't do it on your own. It's not about pride, it's about wanting to move on from the situation your are in to a better place. There is no shame in that!

[Cobra_X30]

Well your situation is better than mine! In a way that just makes it more F'ed up. If you hurt your husband like that and think your kids will never see I think your fooling yourself. Besides Im not sure that the attitude of "what they dont know wont hurt them" is the correct way to approach the situation.

 

I still think that you are finding something in this other guy that you WANT in your H. Figure out what that is and talk to him about it, if this guy loves you that much he should be willing to change some things.

 

If this OM is your best friend you need to re-evaluate what a friend is.

[IpAncA]

So this other man just emailed me to say he will be on the road soon and will call me and to please answer his call. Here we go - See? There is no reason he needs to call me. He will call to talk about work frustrations but there is no true work reason he needs to call me. Will I answer his call? Probably so. For two reasons: #1 I have a sick need to talk to him to and #2 I don't like it when he gets mad at me. It makes me feel like he has power over me when he's mad. Not just personally, but professionally. He makes my job harder when he's mad at me.

 

Tell him that.

 

Tt sounds like the only way for you is to get another job or for him to just leave you alone. But since he doesn't want to leave you alone and you don't want to let him go, nothing will get solved.

 

Does your H know what's going on?

 

I can't take control of it because we started out as best friends. Losing him is like a death to me. The death of a best friend that I don't feel anyone can replace; and worse, the death of the person I thought he was. This affair happened because we had already become such close friends. And it probably would have happened sooner if we didn't live in different states.

 

Who cares if he's your bf. Your H comes first and you sould be willing to let this OM go.

[Zoomarch]

Tell him that.

 

Tt sounds like the only way for you is to get another job or for him to just leave you alone. But since he doesn't want to leave you alone and you don't want to let him go, nothing will get solved.

 

Does your H know what's going on?

 

 

 

Who cares if he's your bf. Your H comes first and you sould be willing to let this OM go.

 

 

He knows because I told him finally. I explain that in the very first post of this string. It was painful, but I have no regrets about telling him. Yes, you are right, I "should" be willing to let this OM go. That is my problem and the point of my original post. If I could do that, that easily, I wouldn't be trying to find answers in here.

[NoIDidn't]

ZooM

 

You have plenty of ammunition in your memory already. You mention that he told you he used the sex tricks from you with his W. That's sick. If I was cheating on my H, I wouldn't tell my OM that he improved my sex life with my spouse.

 

What I did when I wanted to get over my ex was to remember the bad times. Whenever a pleasant thought came up about him and us (the sex was pretty good, but nothing compared to in my M), I reminded myself of the bad times, the things he said to hurt me. The things he said to knock me down. And there were many. I got the "hot" chick comments too, but they were tempered by things like "not as cultured", "not debutante material", or "too dark".

 

Fight fire with fire. The memories of the sex, or other things, can be fought with the memories of the insults, the things said that stung and hurt you. It won't be pleasant and soon you will find yourself feeling not so pleasant when thinking of him. And you will stop thinking of him as much.

 

I still think of the ex every now and then, but it is no longer one-sided. I can remember the good times, and also the bad times. And just chalk it up to a portion of my life. A learning and growing experience. Is that what you want from this? To grow and learn and recommit to your M?

[Cobra_X30]

NoIDidnt, That is good advice!

 

Zoo, I hope you put some thought into what people say here. Getting defensive wont resolve your issues... and Im betting that 90% of the posts here are going to agree that your "best friend" isnt worth your time.

[IpAncA]

He knows because I told him finally. I explain that in the very first post of this string. It was painful, but I have no regrets about telling him. Yes, you are right, I "should" be willing to let this OM go. That is my problem and the point of my original post. If I could do that, that easily, I wouldn't be trying to find answers in here.

 

Okay ZM, I'm not stupid. But I can see how you read it wrong.

 

What I meant was does he know whats going on with you and the OM right now? Does he know he's been e-mailing you and how you said that when he gets made he gives you a hard time with work. Stuff like that.

 

That's what I was asking. He should be seeing all this.

[Cobra_X30]

I dont think her H knows who she was cheating on him with. Otherwise I assume he would be taking a more drastic action.

[pureinheart]

That's just it. He has to call me. Like I said above, we are in positions where we have to make decisions together for work. I have tried not answering his calls when I see them coming in; I will then respond to his msg via email by saying something like "Sorry I was on the phone, what did you need?" He gets mad about this and says I should take his calls. He is of the belief that we can still be just as close of friends as we were before the affair. When he gets mad at me, I cave and start taking his calls again. Then we travel again, it happens again, and the cycle starts all over again. He does not like to talk about the affair at all when we aren't seeing each other - but he's all over me when we physically see each other again. I do not feel he has emotionally supported me through this break up. If you can call it a break up considering he wants to be w/ me when he sees me. Then claims it's not just sex for him, then starts with the convicition talk, guilt feelings when he's w/ his wife - all that talk - just to be all over me again when he sees me. How can that not just be about sex? He is afraid of getting caught cuz he's seen my H and is afraid of him. So he goes on as if this is over - he wants to talk about business and personal when he talks with me daily on the phone - but never wants to talk about the affair or our feelings for each other.

 

I hate my feelings for him. I want them to be for my H. I feel so trapped in this situation. Leaving my job would chg my life and my family's life if I could not land another position of the same level.

 

 

Hey Zm....my heart really goes out to you bigtime....by the above quote I am seeing that the om is VERY selfish....he wants to keep this game going because he knows he can...oh, he may APPEAR as if he is all broken up and messed up because of his "love" for you and the situation, but personally I don't think he is, I think he likes to keep your head messed up.

 

This is the statement that totally pissed me off about how you are being treated is that you have no more self esteem due to this relationship.

 

Do yourself the biggest favor ever....don't spend another minute loving him, love yourself and your H instead....

 

This guy is a game player....run for your life....I had to....GBU Z

[pureinheart]

He knows because I told him finally. I explain that in the very first post of this string. It was painful, but I have no regrets about telling him. Yes, you are right, I "should" be willing to let this OM go. That is my problem and the point of my original post. If I could do that, that easily, I wouldn't be trying to find answers in here.

 

The relationship is a "drug" and you I believe are addicted....withdrawls is what you will have to go through.

 

There is no easy way to do this, it will take alot of courage which I see you already have....you have a sound mind and did not get to where you are in life by being a wimp or self destructive. You have good morals as telling your H was the proper thing to do for both of you, living with a man everyday and concealing truth could take years off of ones life by way of stress.

 

NC is the answer....and you might fail a couple of times, but that is okay, each time you go NC you see what was unable to be seen prior....go for it, you have nothing to loose, and everything to gain!

[Zoomarch]

Okay ZM, I'm not stupid. But I can see how you read it wrong.

 

What I meant was does he know whats going on with you and the OM right now? Does he know he's been e-mailing you and how you said that when he gets made he gives you a hard time with work. Stuff like that.

 

That's what I was asking. He should be seeing all this.

 

 

No, he doesn't know what I'm going through right now. He thinks I'm down because of my guilt. When really, it's that I can't get past the feelings for the OM. He begged me to tell him who it was when I first told him. I refuse to tell him for fear of what he will do. The OM's wife and kids do not deserve that at all, although his wife deserves to know, I will never be the person to tell her. When I told my H, he made me promise never to talk to the guy again. Little does he know that it's the person it is; if he knew, he would go crazy because he does hear me talking to him a lot because, again, I work very closely with this other person & we have to make decisions together. We are in high managment.

[Zoomarch]

The relationship is a "drug" and you I believe are addicted....withdrawls is what you will have to go through.

 

There is no easy way to do this, it will take alot of courage which I see you already have....you have a sound mind and did not get to where you are in life by being a wimp or self destructive. You have good morals as telling your H was the proper thing to do for both of you, living with a man everyday and concealing truth could take years off of ones life by way of stress.

 

NC is the answer....and you might fail a couple of times, but that is okay, each time you go NC you see what was unable to be seen prior....go for it, you have nothing to loose, and everything to gain!

 

 

Thank you. It does feel like an addiction. But since I've never been addicted to anything in my life, I don't know what the withdrawl symptoms are. I know that it used to take an act of God to get me to cry (people who know me think I'm hard) At least that's what my friends and even those who work under me say. I probably cried 1-2x per yr before this - and that was usually over a death and I barely even cry at funerals. Since this, I cry every single day, several times per day. I think about how bad it hurts to lose that kind of passion/love. I love my H very much but I now know I've never had "passion" for him. My mother always told me, what you don't know won't hurt you. She was so right. I would have rathered stayed in the dark. My H & I have a very good sex life. Very good. But I learned through this ordeal that sex is different from passion.

 

I guess the bottom line, is I don't know how to let someone go that has been in my daily life for over five years. Daily. We used to talk during the daytime for hours as he would travel. Since this break up, if you can call it that, has taken place, I try not to take his calls. It kills me to see him calling in and not answer. I can't even describe the way I feel really - no words describe what this has done to me.

[IpAncA]

No, he doesn't know what I'm going through right now. He thinks I'm down because of my guilt. When really, it's that I can't get past the feelings for the OM. He begged me to tell him who it was when I first told him. I refuse to tell him for fear of what he will do. The OM's wife and kids do not deserve that at all, although his wife deserves to know, I will never be the person to tell her. When I told my H, he made me promise never to talk to the guy again. Little does he know that it's the person it is; if he knew, he would go crazy because he does hear me talking to him a lot because, again, I work very closely with this other person & we have to make decisions together. We are in high managment.

 

No your right his family doesn't deserve this and I feel sorry for them. Hopefully someday they'll find out because she deserves to know she's not in an exclusive relationship anymore.

 

As for your H, he deserves to know what's going on. You can't keep him in the dark. He asked you to have N/C and your not. He needs to know why.

 

The OM can't be in your life if your going to work things out. Marriage is a two person relationship, not three.

 

Funny you say he's your best friend. For someone who is, he's a pain in the a**. Best friends don't get mad at you because you don't answer the phone nor give you a hard time at work because of it. If he truely cared about you, he'd want you to be happy and leave you alone. That's what loving and caring people do. But no, he keeps trying to hang onto you any way he can.

 

Come on ZM, look at what he's doing to his own marriage. Do you honestly believe you've helped his marriage in a GOOD way. I'd say he's lying. If you did, they'd be in MC or divorcing. He's selfish (thinking of himself), a liar, and clearly is not realtionship material if he doesn't come clean.

 

Is this really someone you want to be with? He's not even decent enough to tell his own W. Instead he lies and leads her on.

 

I guess the bottom line, is I don't know how to let someone go that has been in my daily life for over five years. Daily. We used to talk during the daytime for hours as he would travel. Since this break up, if you can call it that, has taken place, I try not to take his calls. It kills me to see him calling in and not answer. I can't even describe the way I feel really - no words describe what this has done to me.

 

What about going to counselling? You both can not do this on your own.

 

You need to focus on getting over the other guy and reconnect with your husband. It's unfair to still be lusting after him while knowing your H has forgiven you...

 

I agree with this and she's right.

[Zoomarch]

All of you have helped me so much.... I've cried less these last couple of days; just hearing about similar stories.

 

On my daily run this evening, I found at least a piece of peace in all of your support. Remember, absolutely noone knows about this except me, the OM and my H, and God so talking to real human beings, even if through this forum, has been a relief.

 

When I read all of your posts on my string, as well as some of the other strings, I realized that he is treating me like the OW. Which I am, however, I think this hurts me to the core of my soul because I was not some fly by night fling. I was not even a short termer. We were best friends for years. I trusted him with my life. I thought he would go to the ends of the earth for me; this was even before the affair - so to suspect; and then to confirm here on this forum; that he's treating me like a MM would treat a Mistress or the OW, just hurts me so much. I guess I would have thought he would have helped me through this instead. It makes me feel like I've never really known him at all. It makes me feel used, abused, lost and like I've wasted over five years of my life.

[Cobra_X30]

There needs to be a class in highschool. - Introduction To Men 101 -.

 

Zoo, there are so many times when you cant see the truth until your able to step back and look at the situation objectively. Its the reason hindsite is 20/20.

[Zoomarch]

I hope those of you who have been following my story are still listening because I almost need step by step advice as things come up.

 

Ok, in the past, when we are "off", he will still email me, through work email, a blank email. This, we both know, is supposed to mean he's thinking about me. Then I would reply back as a gesture of the same, with a blank email. This is one of the ways he's kept me hanging on.

 

Today, I was so proud of myself. He called me twice, I answered twice, but the second time, I called my work line from my cell so he would hear a beep coming in. I then told him "I have to grab this, I've been expecting this call". I did this to get him off the phone because he would have talked to me for an hour. Mind you, not about feelings, nor the affair, but just about general work frustrations. I have to admit, I didn't want to get off the phone with him. It was a hard thing to do. I just miss him so much. I know he was shocked by it.

 

Then, he sends me an email and the subject line was blank so I opened it and it said "I hope you have a good weekend". Normally, when we are "off", I email him back a sad email like "I'll try..." OR, if I'm really mad at him, I won't reply at all. But today, I responded "Thanks! You too!!" Kind of happy-like. Was that the right thing to do?

 

I know you all must think I'm crazy by now and I keep hearing N/C, but in my case, it's impossible because of the work situation so I'm striving to find different ways from the past to handle his gestures. Keep in mind, this is the guy who agrees we can never be in the same room again cuz he "can't resist me" he says and does not want to discuss feelings at all - Claims convictions, guilt, bla bla bla - Yet I know if he were here right now, he'd be all over me.

 

I'm going out tonight with my H and hope to have a good time. He knows I'm still not quite right. If I told him that this OM continues to call/email me, he would be so upset. BUT, if I told him who it was, he would understand why he has to call/email me cuz my H understands my job - but he would make me quit. He wouldn't care about the money, he would make me quit - and I'm afraid of what he would do to the guy if he actually found out who he was.

 

This is so messed up.

[Tomcat33]

What are your motives? To show him you are fine so that you can honestly move on? OR To make him want you even more so that he does all the pursuing? Do you want to cut him out for good and really recover?

Good to asses what's motivating you.

 

At times it will be one other times another reason, eventually if you want to rid yourself of him for good you will come to the realisation there is only one motive, to get out of your life for good.

 

Yes you did well, pat yourself on the back for that one. He expects you to act a certain way given your past reactions he expects a certain level of response from you, what you do by doing the completely oposite of what you have done in the past is keep him guessing. It makes him stop and wonder, wait a minute? could she REALLY be over me this fast? Eventually you WILL be over him and he can wonder what he likes, you will be doing it for you, not him.

[IpAncA]

I'm going out tonight with my H and hope to have a good time. He knows I'm still not quite right. If I told him that this OM continues to call/email me, he would be so upset. BUT, if I told him who it was, he would understand why he has to call/email me cuz my H understands my job - but he would make me quit. He wouldn't care about the money, he would make me quit - and I'm afraid of what he would do to the guy if he actually found out who he was.

 

This is so messed up.

 

Is there anyway you can TRY and look for another one? I know you like your job but what's more important?

 

You don't want to make this more messed up than it already is. You can't lead your H on anymore. No more lies.

[Zoomarch]

What are your motives? To show him you are fine so that you can honestly move on? OR To make him want you even more so that he does all the pursuing? Do you want to cut him out for good and really recover?

Good to asses what's motivating you.

 

 

 

What is motivating me is to get out of this..... Because what I have been doing hasn't worked. The cycle starts all over again so I'm trying to do something different. He has already tried to call me twice since my last post here. I haven't answered.