Living in daily turmoil

[Zoomarch]

Is there anyway you can TRY and look for another one? I know you like your job but what's more important?

 

You don't want to make this more messed up than it already is. You can't lead your H on anymore. No more lies.

 

 

It actually wouldn't be too hard for me to find another job. W/o giving away too much info, I'm known in my industry & would probably be able to find another job tomorrow. Would probably have to take about 20-30k paycut though...

 

I know you are right. Deep inside, I know N/C is the only answer. I hate this. I cannot believe I have found myself in this situation. I wish I did not care about this OM. Then everything would be so easy. I wouldn't need any advice at all. I would just ignore him. Maybe that is the best advice.... To act like I don't care about him at all and to behave the way I would if I wanted rid of him. Which would be to ignore him. As I said above, he's tried to call me twice since my last post. I know it's because I'm acting "distant" today and he is not used to that at all, except when I'm mad. He's not used to me acting distant and not mad.

[TogetherForever]

It actually wouldn't be too hard for me to find another job. W/o giving away too much info, I'm known in my industry & would probably be able to find another job tomorrow. Would probably have to take about 20-30k paycut though...

 

I know you are right. Deep inside, I know N/C is the only answer. I hate this. I cannot believe I have found myself in this situation. I wish I did not care about this OM. Then everything would be so easy. I wouldn't need any advice at all. I would just ignore him. Maybe that is the best advice.... To act like I don't care about him at all and to behave the way I would if I wanted rid of him. Which would be to ignore him. As I said above, he's tried to call me twice since my last post. I know it's because I'm acting "distant" today and he is not used to that at all, except when I'm mad. He's not used to me acting distant and not mad.

 

 

 

You could, if you are serious, stop acting like you are being distant & actually distance yourself. You can also, instead of not saying anything to him, just come out & tell him to his face "WE ARE FINISHED - END OF STORY" & then walk away. The empowerment you feel after that might surprise you.

Just an idea.((((hugs))))

TF

[Zoomarch]

You could, if you are serious, stop acting like you are being distant & actually distance yourself. You can also, instead of not saying anything to him, just come out & tell him to his face "WE ARE FINISHED - END OF STORY" & then walk away. The empowerment you feel after that might surprise you.

Just an idea.((((hugs))))

TF

 

 

I love this forum, but I sometimes don't think I'm getting thru to people about my job ---- I know that most would think you could just chg jobs, but my job is in high level mgt - high income ----

 

Please don't email me to say how my family should come 1st over my job, etc...... There is too much house, too much debt, too much car.... if I resigned, we would have to file bankruptcy - and coming from someone with perfect credit, that is pretty scary. That would create a whole new set of problems on top of the already current ones...

 

All that said, I have to say that I am feeling better because of this forum. I was feeling soooooo alone. Because I won't tell my family. I won't tell my friends. And I won't see a doctor. I should be able to do all of the above but I just can't.... Everyone would throw this up in my face; I just know it - and I can't take that.

 

But for now, I'm going out with my H.... Not thinking about OM - and that's a first in a very long time. I'm sure I will wake up in the middle of the night feeling differently because of this hold he has on me.

[Meaplus3]

I need some sound advice on how to suppress feelings before I literally go insane. I have never suffered from depression, have never been on medication & have never seen a Psychiatrist – but find myself experiencing & considering all of the above. I guess I’m a prideful person & am looking for private advice here.

 

To recap my situation, I am a MW, of over 17 years to the most wonderful H & father of my children. He is & has always been there emotionally & physically for me. I’ve always been his #1 priority. He’s never let me down.

 

I made the biggest mistake of my life & it has rocked my world to the point where I can barely function. On a routine business trip, I allowed a 5+ year friendship w/ a co-worker to turn into an affair. This OM also has children. He & I grew very close as friends – talking daily on the phone for hours – we both knew there was something deeper there but had never discussed it. After the first night that we were intimate, it only made our feelings grow stronger. We connect on an emotional, professional & physical level that I’ve never experienced before.

After months of going back & forth with this guy on our feelings, we both agreed that we could not destroy two families. That we had made choices very early on in life & that we needed to honor those commitments. We are both religious which also played a huge part in that decision. Combined with the fact that we still both love our spouses. I will admit, I do not love my H in the same way I do this OM, however, I cannot imagine my life w/o my H. I will also admit that I don’t think this OM could/would treat me as well as my H does emotionally.

 

A few mths ago, I finally told my H, but to this day, I have not told him who it is despite his persistence in knowing. I took him to a remote location over night, away from our children, so he could react as he saw fit. I was prepared for anything he wanted to throw at me…. Leaving me, humiliating me, whatever. I felt he had the right to take back the power I had taken from him when I cheated on him. Amazingly, after two nights & two days of both of us crying, he told me he loved me with every fiber of his being & he forgave me & said he knew something had been wrong with me; he assured me that he wanted to get past this.

 

Here is my problem: I know all the experts say that you must cut off all contact, however, this OM & myself are in high level positions; both making very high incomes. I also love my job & have been in the same company for years. I am so ashamed to say this next part but this is where I need the help: I think about the OM constantly. All day long. All night long. It’s like I’m trapped & don’t know how to suppress these feeling I have for him. I almost ache to be with him; when I think about him & when I’m missing him so bad (which is daily), I start crying uncontrollably – this from a woman who never used to cry…

 

It has ruined my life because I want to be with him all the time. I am no longer happy at all. Everything I do, I want to do with him. I crave his touch, his kiss & just to hear his voice. I feel like I “need” him like I need to breathe. Again, all this said, I can’t imagine hurting my H again by telling him that I am actually in love with this OM. My H is such a good man. Why can’t I love him; have passion for him the way I do this OM? I would give anything to feel about my H the way I do about the OM. For those of you wondering, the OM isn’t even as attractive, or as in shape as my H.

 

As far as the OM’s feelings? He closed down our private email account & says he cannot tell me how he feels anymore. He says it only makes everything resurface. He has told me he cannot see me face to face because he says there is no way he can resist me. He has looked me in the eye so many times & told me he loved me. He has told me he never even thought a love like ours existed. So I am the one suffering professionally from this because I’m the one who will no longer show up for professional meetings. This could ruin my career – but there’s no way that he will not show to a meeting. I have to make that sacrifice which I think is unfair, but I know if we are in the same place, at the same time, we will definitely end up in bed.

 

This should be simple, right? Just accept that it’s over & move on? How can I suppress these feelings? Any sound advice would be appreciated. Please don’t beat me up as I’ve done that to myself for over a year.

 

Living in daily turmoil !!

 

Do you live nextdoor to the MM? I do and it's complete TORTURE!!!! Sorry, but it is! You love your H and that's great. Work on what lead you to this 'A" and you will see. Time will tell just my OP. I'm not having the best day, infact I don't really have many good day's since my ea ended in our last meeting in April. I guess I am not a good example of moving forward and fixing thing's because I am not so sure I have anything left to fix and that's a real heart break for my children and myself. Anyway, I do know how you feel and I "Feel" for you. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[circeinvidiosa]

I am not going to chide you for telling your husband. I think it was extremely courageous and it shows that you do love and respect him. Maybe part of you was hoping he would be so angry he would release you from the relationship and therefore help you to release some of the tension, but since that hasn't happened, you have to go forward.

 

The first thing I'm going to suggest is that you try an antidepressant. Get with a good doctor and tell him about your situation. After I broke up with my MM I cried about 3 times a day for two years. I had panic attacks too. Like I said in another thread, I really think there is a hormonal element in all this, and we need to acknowledge that we may not have the ability to totally combat it on our own. The two years crying was a total waste, and when I got on antidepressants finally, I started to get some small grip on myself again.

 

You already said you're in too deep financially and can't get another job.

 

In spite of the NC rule, there are just times when you CAN'T because of work. Been there done that, and it was sheer torture and I could not break with the guy. So, since you are locked in, keep going to your meetings that you have to go to, and work with this OM as much as you absolutely have to, but no more. That means he's going to have to get used to email.

 

You work from home, too, and the guy lives in another state? This is somewhat puzzling to me because then it seems that your only contact comes from phone and email, unless you go on the road together. Surely, from your own home, you can resist calling him instead of emailing. As for the road, meet only in public places, like the restaurant or hotel lobby. Do not go to his room or have him come to yours to check the laptop.

 

I agree with people/person who said he's being manipulative. He's playing you like a finely tuned instrument, and I'd bet dollars to donuts that he feels threatened by your influence and power in the company and this is his way of taking it out of you. He knows that women are most vulnerable where their emotions and their moral/religious beliefs are concerned. He's got you good.

 

You're going to need emotional support too, so I suggest that (as horrifying as this may sound to you) you tell a few close friends so they can agree to help you through this difficult time. If you isolate this problem and don't share with others, you are only setting yourself up to go on seeing OM.

 

I completely understand why a woman who is smart and earns a lot more than her spouse and maybe hasn't had much experience of a man talking down to her would fall for a situation like this. In your subconscious mind, he's got you convinced that he is the superior person in this relationship and he's doing something for you by having this A. That is why the sex is so "incredible" when as you say, your H is the better lover. "Best friends," my eye. I'm not buying that. I believe that's what you tell yourself to make it OK to feel this passion for him. It's something else, something much more innate and has to do with your basic (our basic) female nature.

 

Once you are out of this relationship for a while, you will look back and wonder what, exactly, you ever saw in this guy. I swear you will. I had my moments of revelation. Though they were a while in coming they changed everything about how I thought of this man, forever after.

 

sometimes I wonder if all I did was improve his marriage and ruin mine.

 

Yes, I have no doubt that because of the ridiculous double standards in our society (and, not to mention, the basic differences between how the sexes process sexual feelings) he is having a much easier time of it than you are, and even benefiting from the experience, while you suffer and suffer.

 

You are definitely building his ego at the expense of your own ... he is sucking you dry.

[Zoomarch]

I am not going to chide you for telling your husband. I think it was extremely courageous and it shows that you do love and respect him. Maybe part of you was hoping he would be so angry he would release you from the relationship and therefore help you to release some of the tension, but since that hasn't happened, you have to go forward.

 

The first thing I'm going to suggest is that you try an antidepressant. Get with a good doctor and tell him about your situation. After I broke up with my MM I cried about 3 times a day for two years. I had panic attacks too. Like I said in another thread, I really think there is a hormonal element in all this, and we need to acknowledge that we may not have the ability to totally combat it on our own. The two years crying was a total waste, and when I got on antidepressants finally, I started to get some small grip on myself again.

 

You already said you're in too deep financially and can't get another job.

 

In spite of the NC rule, there are just times when you CAN'T because of work. Been there done that, and it was sheer torture and I could not break with the guy. So, since you are locked in, keep going to your meetings that you have to go to, and work with this OM as much as you absolutely have to, but no more. That means he's going to have to get used to email.

 

You work from home, too, and the guy lives in another state? This is somewhat puzzling to me because then it seems that your only contact comes from phone and email, unless you go on the road together. Surely, from your own home, you can resist calling him instead of emailing. As for the road, meet only in public places, like the restaurant or hotel lobby. Do not go to his room or have him come to yours to check the laptop.

 

I agree with people/person who said he's being manipulative. He's playing you like a finely tuned instrument, and I'd bet dollars to donuts that he feels threatened by your influence and power in the company and this is his way of taking it out of you. He knows that women are most vulnerable where their emotions and their moral/religious beliefs are concerned. He's got you good.

 

You're going to need emotional support too, so I suggest that (as horrifying as this may sound to you) you tell a few close friends so they can agree to help you through this difficult time. If you isolate this problem and don't share with others, you are only setting yourself up to go on seeing OM.

 

I completely understand why a woman who is smart and earns a lot more than her spouse and maybe hasn't had much experience of a man talking down to her would fall for a situation like this. In your subconscious mind, he's got you convinced that he is the superior person in this relationship and he's doing something for you by having this A. That is why the sex is so "incredible" when as you say, your H is the better lover. "Best friends," my eye. I'm not buying that. I believe that's what you tell yourself to make it OK to feel this passion for him. It's something else, something much more innate and has to do with your basic (our basic) female nature.

 

Once you are out of this relationship for a while, you will look back and wonder what, exactly, you ever saw in this guy. I swear you will. I had my moments of revelation. Though they were a while in coming they changed everything about how I thought of this man, forever after.

 

 

 

Yes, I have no doubt that because of the ridiculous double standards in our society (and, not to mention, the basic differences between how the sexes process sexual feelings) he is having a much easier time of it than you are, and even benefiting from the experience, while you suffer and suffer.

 

You are definitely building his ego at the expense of your own ... he is sucking you dry.

 

 

I wish I had your personal email because you sound so similar to what I'm going through. You said something above that hit it for me - something I had not even mentioned yet that you experienced that I have too but if I say anymore on this forum, I'm too afraid somebody will somehow figure out who I am. Thanks for your post.

[plexus]

so here's the short of it....I am a MW who has been in an A with a MM for over three years......

Yes, I have the husband who is handsome, successful, great father and completely devoted to our family.....so why then the A??? Well nothing is perfect and as perfect as my H seems, I have over our 20 plus years of marriage felt a void of some sort......

I have tried to end things with my MM countless times during the A only to go back to him who was there waiting with open arms.

It is like a drug....it is completely addicting but as good as the "drug" felt, the turmoil that went along with it was aweful.

I have walked away for weeks and come back. I know how wrong it is but the draw is unbelievable......

There were so many times that I felt I wanted to leave my H for this MM....and then on the other hand knew that I really didnt want to leave.

He of of course has proclaimed that he would leave his wife for me and all that although he is still there. They even went to attorneys at one point. I will know what really goes on there, only what he tells me and only what I have heard via voicemails and things.....

I too have told him to leave for himself if he is that miserable. Obviously he must not be that miserable....and it must not be that bad there.

He swears on his children's life that they have not slept together for three years, again....heresay.

Anyway, I once again decided to try to end it......I think about what the A really is in the scheme of things.....getting together once or twice a week.......maybe less as he lives two hours away......talking on the phone everyday......tons of e-mails back and forth everyday.......

Why is this so difficult??? I know in my heart that I have to do this for my sanity but of course I think about him all the time.......truthfully I dont trust him.......my H is such a better decent man. I have never considered telling him......I guess the reason I have gotten away with it for so long is the same reason I got into it in the first place...

so someone out there, tell me about these withdrawel symptoms and how do deal with it to finally end this once and for all...........

[Zoomarch]

Wow Plexus, your situation is almost identical to mine except my MM doesn't claim to never have sex w/ his wife. I know they do. He has said that it's "routine" though.

 

I have no advice for you. I feel the same exact way. The draw is so strong for both of us. In my case, the draw for him seems to be stronger mostly when he sees me. He doesn't really give me the emotional support in between. He says talking about it only "keeps it going".

 

Everyday is hell for me - missing him. I hate the way I feel about him. I just want it to go away.

[Cobra_X30]

I really hope this ends well for you. Your situation sounds just like my mom, and she is a lonely shell of a woman. Now that we are all older none of us kids will even talk to her because of what she did to dad.

 

Do you like cats?

[plexus]

Hi there,

Well I did e-mail a final quick goodbye (again), he probably thinks that I will reach out as I have in the past even though I got an ugly respose from the e-mail which said he was done with my goodbyes.....

I've obviously been thinking of him but not sure what I miss........prob the attention from him but then again that comes with the not so good feelings either and truthfully the price to pay for the few minutes of feeling good is just not worth it to me.......I would like to be here 2 months from now telling you that we've had two months of NC.

we do not live in the same state so running into him or even any reminders is not a problem.......

I'm sure I will think of him always but hopefully less and less as time goes by.....

As far as the post by cobra......I do not like cats and I do not feel like an empty shell of a woman.....I got into this 3 years ago for reasons that have worked themself out. I just couldnt break away from him.....

[plexus]

I think my feelings got stronger when I would see him. being him would completely comsume me........the in between was where I felt the guilt, the wanting to end it and so forth........

[Cobra_X30]

Well Plex, I was actually referencing Zoo. Her story is so similar to our family, except in an early stage.

 

I dont know much about you or what you did. It does stand to reason that if your H didnt notice your ongoing A, then that is probably the reason why you did it. If he knows and is willing to just put up with it... he really isnt much of a man anyway and that would be another reason for you to take advantage of him.

[circeinvidiosa]

Zoomarch, I wish I could help. I got an email address you can use, but this website apparently does not permit it.

 

In my opinion, the general key for everyone is just don't have sex with them. And if you do, then do it once or twice, max. Most of us can control our responses up to that point. I think after that, we progressively lose decision making power, because of our hormones. It's mostly cut and dried ....

[SoxPrincess]

Zoo,

 

You've received some good advice here and although some of it may be tough to swallow, in the long run, you will be thankful. I commend you for telling your DH about your affair; most women wouldn't do that and although some people here don't agree with it, I think you were very strong for making that decision and for following through with it. Imagine how you would feel dealing with this secret on top of everything else you are dealing with now. Your husband sounds like an amazing man who is supporting you and is willing to work things out with you and if someone can stand by you in the face of infidelity and you truly love him, you owe it to both of you to work it out. No one here can make that decision for you, only you can and it's a decision that needs to be made. If you love your DH and want to be married to him, you have to take every step necessary to get OM out of your life and more importantly, out of your brain.

 

I've never been in your position as far as work goes so I cannot relate to you not being able to change jobs, but you need to be firm with OM and keep things 150% work related ONLY. If either you or him cannot keep things professional, then it is time to look for another job, even if that means a pay cut. I think losing money might be worth it in the end if you can relieve yourself of all this stress and get your marriage back on the right track. I know how difficult it is to be in love with OM and to not be able to get him out of your head; I know what it's like to be addicted to the phone calls and all forms of communication and I DEFINITELY know how hard it is to forget it all. It takes time, lots of time and a TON of willpower. You have to decide within yourself what you want and what you need in your life and once you make those decisions, stick with them. That old cliche "time heals all wounds" never rings more true than in the case of A's. it may seem impossible to break the cycle, to break the addiction but trust me, it can be done. 12 months ago I was exactly where you were and I got this same advice and didn't think I was going to make it, but I did. Heck, last week was exOM's birthday and I completely forgot about it until today and I was so proud of myself. You just have to retrain your brain and stick to your guns! Life is too short to live in daily turmoil sweetie, you can do this!!! Set some standards and stick to them and MAKE OM stick to them; you need to do this for your happiness because no one deserves to feel the way you do right now. (((HUGS)))

[Zoomarch]

Well Plex, I was actually referencing Zoo. Her story is so similar to our family, except in an early stage.

 

I dont know much about you or what you did. It does stand to reason that if your H didnt notice your ongoing A, then that is probably the reason why you did it. If he knows and is willing to just put up with it... he really isnt much of a man anyway and that would be another reason for you to take advantage of him.

 

 

Cobra: My situation is not like your history. We corresponded about that. I am with my kids practically 24/7 - I work from home & pick them up from school everyday. As you know my H knows about my A, he just doesn't know of my feelings for this OM. My H even says that what has happened has nothing to do with the kids. You really ought to forgive your mother (that is, if she is wanting the forgiveness - I realize some people don't) - Because if she's a good person, and she made this one mistake, she deserves to be forgiven. You really cannot judge a person until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

 

I don't speak to my dad either - but it's not because he left my mother. It's for other reasons. One of which, he could care less if I ever forgive him. He and his wife don't want me, or my siblings, wrecking their new marriage. Ahhh, a father's love, huh?

 

I know you don't think so, but my kids would forgive me if they found out about this. They love me and tell me so several times per day. We are extremely close. They would want to know why. They would love me through it and try to help me through it. They would never abandon me. That said, I might be a totally different person than your mom was. Some parents, like I said, don't deserve to be forgiven.

[Cobra_X30]

Too true. My apologies.

 

Do you think that your current issues have anything to do with your relationship with your Father?

[plexus]

just updating......it's amazing reading so many posts and the situations as individual as they are, we feel so much the same.

I still am thinking about OM but so much less day by day. needless to say I have done the NC many times before but I really believe that this is the last.

I also know as per his last e-mail to me that he has had enough of the "goodbyes" once and for all....so I dont expect any contact from him.

I think it just takes time........the one thing I can say is that I do not miss the emotional turmoil that comes with the A on a day to day basis and I am just focusing the energy I gave to the A on other things.

Thankfully we have a very busy social life, I love my job and even though my kids are older, I am involved with their lives as well....

thanks to all for listening..........

[Zoomarch]

Too true. My apologies.

 

Do you think that your current issues have anything to do with your relationship with your Father?

 

I guess it's possible. I don't know. I just wish it had never happened and I wish it would just be over.

[Kislette]

It looks like you're starting to understand that OM isn't really your friend and what was going on between you two isn't really love. What it is is obsession. It's likely is that your obsession is driven by something you feel is missing from your marriage consciously or subconsiously. I am further along in a situation that has some similarity to yours. I had an online affair which ended when my husband discovered it. Later on I met another man who seemed like he was perfect for me. We never took the relationship beyond being friends because I was determined not to do the wrong thing again. But that didn't stop me from becoming infatuated with and obsessing about the new guy, so I ended my friendship with him.

 

At the same time I started thinking hard about what was going on in my marriage that was driving me to become so strongly infatuated with other men. I realized that I was subconsciously trying to escape from feeling suffocated by my husband, who for years had been excessively clingy and had been interpreting everything I said and did as being some indication I didn't love him. I figured this out and told my husband about it (just two days ago). I ended the friendship and told my husband how I was feeling about our marriage my obsession with my new friend started fading fast. It's almost gone now. Now I am able to be more levelheaded about the situation. I can see that my new friend may be a great guy, but so is my husband. I can also see that I know everything about my husband and still think he's great. There is much I don't know about my new friend, and it's entirely possible I wouldn't think he's so wonderful if I knew it all. Or that even if I still thought he was great that it doesn't mean he and I would have a great relationship together.

 

In your case you might have some additional issues of your own to look into. People who are in positions of power at work often get overwhelmed by the responsibility and get a perverse sense of enjoyment out of being "put in their place" by someone else. This may be what you were getting from your OM.

 

You say it's impossible to do NC with your OM. Have you considered at least taking a "vacation" from contact with him? If you could find some way to enforce strict NC for a whole week (maybe by even really taking a vacation from work) it might give you some time to clear your head and break your obsessive thought patterns.

 

I admire your attempt to be strong and do the right thing. It is so hard to do sometimes, but don't give up!