Mom and Dad Criticism, I'm at my wits' end!

[loquaciousl]

This could be a really long story, but I will break it down for you:

 

I live 50 miles away from my parents. For the most part for the last few years we've had a pretty good relationship, so to speak. But, something is bothering me so much I am at my wits' end and I don't know what to do.

 

A month ago, I was home for my birthday. The morning started out as any other, but then turned ugly. My mom asked me what I'm doing with my life, told me I'm not well rounded enough, and said I rely too much on my job (I'm a teacher) and that was that.

 

Then, my dad got home. Somehow, we got to talking about my weight. I am honestly about 30 to 40 pounds heavier than I should be. I don't have a problem with them talking to me about their concerns, but in this particular situation, the following comments were said:

 

"One of your legs is equal to mine," (says Dad)

"You smell like a fat person," says Mom.

"You have fat rolls,"

"No guy, unless he's insecure, will go for you because of your weight," and if they do, it's because they know no other guys will want you..."

"You're morbidly obese."

"You're an emotional nitwit."

"I'm going to get you a trainer and call you and check on you to make sure you're working out."

"Don't come home unless you lose weight."

 

And the list goes on and on. Let me mention my dad was SCREAMING at me and telling me this stuff. He laid out how hard it is for him to see me let myself go like I have, and he told me I'm living half a life, so to speak. Now, let me mention, that this conversation made me take steps insofar as working out. I know I am overweight, but at the same time, I am still depressed, a month later about HOW things were said to me. They told me the "nice approach" didn't work before so they were trying this technique. I left their house shaking and heartbroken. Last week my mom laid into me about not going home for Father's Day, (which wasn't intentional) and said, "Oh, you just werent' thinking, that's just how you are." I was supposed to go see them last weekend and cancelled. I sent an email a week ago outlining how I understood their views but not HOW they spoke to me and that I thought it was inappropriate. I haven't heard anything since. Nothing. I feel like they've frozen me out. And it hurts me so much because I do love them and crave their approval; yet never feel like I will get it. They live in one of the most superficial places in California and I don't feel like I fit that mold, or ever will. I am pretty upset right now because I realize that for the most part they are extremely critical and I don't feel like I've had much support....or if I have it's been conditional. Even 40 pounds ago, I still heard about my weight. I feel like it's always something.

 

I have denied myself anger for years, but now it's coming to the surface. I AM SO MAD. I don't know where to gear my anger. But the anger/depression is almost immobilizing me right now. I am seeing a therapist right now and she thinks I am making steps by asserting myself. But I feel so alone.

[Lady Aurora]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Just because they are our parents, doesn't justify emotional abuse. I know we have been raised to respect our parents, and conditioned to listen to them, but parents can be wrong too. And yours are wrong to say those kinds of things to you.

 

Good for you for writing that email! It is natural to want to seek approval from our parents. That is that little inner child we all have that is shining through. In reality, the only person you need to seek approval from is yourself. It sounds like you are on the right track. If your therapist things you are making steps that is great. Sometimes the steps seem so little, but don't let that get you down. Even the smallest of steps is still progress.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Loquaciousl,

 

That's really too bad. All those comments and the screaming...and on your birthday, too.

 

You say that your relationship with them has been fine so far. So what happened? Perhaps there are deeper issues, and they don't know how to discuss them with you?

 

They could be genuinely concerned, and maybe they think they don't have much time left, to see it all put right. (That still doesn't justify their behavior, but I'm offering a possible explanation).

 

 

If you can, ask them if there's something they would like to discuss with you (other than your profession and your weight). I wouldn't write them off so easily - after all, you only get one real set of parents in your life.

 

Good luck. I hope things turn for the better. Please don't take it too hard on yourself.

[TheSilentType]

If they will pay for a trainer, why not take them up on that offer? Even if you have no motivation, the trainer is there to be your motivation and to keep you going.

 

What's keeping you from doing that? Do you not have even two or three hours a week of free time to go to the gym? Sleep 2-3 hours less a week if you don't have enough time. I have got by on a few hours of sleep for years. I'm not dead yet.

 

I have friends who are workaholics, and yet some of them jog for miles everyday. So don't tell me you have no time.

 

They are not upset with you because you are fat, but because of the underlying attitude that allows you to be that way. Your not married, and they are worried for your future and for your love prospects.

 

You are not making an effort, and its showing because you are putting on more weight.

 

You don't need to lose weight in 1 week. Just make a slow and consistent effort - that's all they want. Even just nominal exercise will keep you from getting more weight.

 

Your parents don't hate you. They are just upset to see you give up when things could be better if you made the effort.

[paperazzi]

Sorry, TheSilentType, but I don't agree. If loq wants to go to the gym for herself, no problem, but bowing down to pressure from her emotionally abusive parents isn't going to solve anything and may make things worse over time.

 

I'm learning some tough lessons about my own mother, loq, that aren't unlike yours (except I'm a "sleazebag") but what I am gradually understanding is that my two failed marriages were, in large part, due to the emotional abuse I endured from my parents growing up. It was normal to me and I subsequently chose similarly abusive people to live with.

 

And like yourself, I DO have a good relationship with my mother (my father died recently but I had a good relationship with him, too). Except she has to exert her control and make me meet her expectations by demeaning and insulting me. I find it confusing and very upsetting. And, like you, I'm very polite back when really I want to scream.

 

I'm working hard at pleasing myself now, regardless of what my mother says or thinks (and she does plenty of both - that's why I'm up at 3:30am, unable to sleep). I think if I don't, I'm going to be unhappy forever.

 

I certainly am not wise enough to offer any valid advice but maybe you can relate.

[loquaciousl]

Thanks for all of your responses, now here's my response to you; ie a few things that perhaps I didn't clarify:

 

1. They were saying stuff about my weight 40 pounds ago. Even when I was what was considered "skinny" I was told I was "sloppy".

 

2. Insofar as a trainer is concerned, well, here's the thing. My parents are loaded and I don't want the attachment of money lording over my head, and the "checking in" on me. I'm 29 years old and quite frankly don't need to be babysat.

 

3. My parents are healthy people. They are also relatively young. I know that they're concerned about me, and that they love me, and that they're sad that I've "let myself go," so to speak. Yes, I can take what they've said with a grain of salt and know that I could stand to lose weight. I also have been working out 4-5 times a week since that conversation with them but it doesn't take away from the fact that they were really f'd up in how they spoke to me. Let me reiterate, they compare me to my super skinny sister in law and say, "Don't you want to be like that?" and the answer is no. I'm a size 14-15 and while that's bigger than I'd like to be, I by no means am "fat". I just don't see it.

 

4. I know I said things were "fine" in recent years. But really, it hasn't always been just my weight; it's been who I am that they have a comment about, they say I"m slow, that I am white trash and uninteresting....funny although I've put myself through college, speak two languages, have my own place and am a successful teacher. Hmmmm....whose perception is skewed? I am just now understanding why I am so mad....but am working on getting over it.

[quankanne]

two languages, huh? *smile* How about the next time they smart off about how trashy you are, just grin and start responding in your second language. If they don't understand that language, just spout nonsensical stuff ... it might not solve the problem, but hell, you'll be laughing at your inside joke instead of being angry about their comments

 

you're a size 15-16 now ... and the average american woman wears a size 12 … sounds like you're approaching normal much more easily than your twiggy SiL. As long as you try your best to live healthily, that's all they can demand of you. Everything else is caca. You can quote me on that. Or you can pointedly and repeatedly ask, "why is it so important?" And be relentless, like you were a four-year-old who's just discovered the word 'why' ... if they can drive you nuts about things, you can turn it back on them.

 

 

on second thought, and after reading your original post, maybe your best bet is to loudly and firmly to tell them to go fork their superficial selves. It only works the first time because of the surprise factor, but believe me, when it's unexpected, it makes an iimpact.

[Born Again]

Paperazzi-

You took the words right out of my mouth! Loq should definetely not be bowing down to her parents and take her up on the offer of going to the gym. To me, Loq seems happy, and that is ALL that matters! Her parents won't agree, becasue they are looking at satisfying their needs, not Loq.

 

Loq and Paperazzi: Check out a post I put on Love Shack today called 'Controlling Mother'.

 

Good luck to you Loq. Paperazzi, I'd like to hear more from you!!

Born Again

[love necessity]

HELLO!!!! I am the only one who sees this! It's no wonder your DEPRESSED and EMOTIONALLY unconnected to your parents!! If I had parents like that, I would be too! It seems like you've lived your whole life revolved around "WHAT YOUR PARENTS THINK IS RIGHT?"

 

If I'm not going off on a limb, my guess is that they thought you would make a good teacher? So, now you are a teacher. I have nothing against the profession, but did you chose it?

 

Like I said, your probably depressed and unhappy, because you will never live up to your parents expectations. But, that's ok, because you need to live up to yours. You only get one life to live, so you better start doing it for yourself. There is so much I want to say, but it'll end up being like 2-3 pages long, so I'll make it short.

 

I think you need to take some time and find yourself, because the you right now, may not be you, but what your parents made.

 

GOOD LUCK!! =) Hope you find what you are looking for:bunny:

[doiask42much]

My parents are similar, Loq, but not quite as blatant. My heart goes out to you. I think they mean well but just went about it wrong. I know you want their approval, but maybe interacting with them is hurting more than helping. If they don't have anything to say about how they spoke to you, maybe you should avoid them for a while.

 

Well done on your dedication to your fitness. That's truly admirable. I'm sure you'll start seeing results in no time.