Still in love, but can't be with them?

[last efforts]

Hey everyone, this is my first post so I'll give a bit of back story to my situation. This is a long one, sorry.

 

My ex and I had been together for about 6 years when I finally called it off. I told her I was far too stressed out by our relationship problems to keep going (I was very depressed, and actually beginning to feel suicidal.) We'd been together since high school, we both tried out for the same college and managed to get in, so we both made the decision to stay together and see where our relationship would take us in college. We were very much in love, and I honestly felt like nothing could come between us, or at least thats what I believed. During the beginning of our sophomore year of college, my ex started to talk to me about my feelings towards marriage. I told her we weren't ready, and that I felt that we were too young. Translation: I wasn't ready. I was too young. She told me that my response was irrational.... and from that moment on we'd been on opposite ends of the commitment argument. We argued about commitment for the next 2 or so years, but still remained together no matter how desperate the arguments became. She'd tell me things like, I don't love her, if i love her how come i wont commit to her, and get very emotional and yell at me. I would get incredibly depressed about the relationship and try to express these feelings to her, and through various different arguments she has angrily told me I was "overdramatic" and called me a drama queen. These things hurt me a lot, and still hurt me despite her apologies ( I realize that I have a tendency to hold grudges). These sort of arguments continued and put a strain on my relationship and eventually my friendships, yet I still continued to push to be with her. She told me I was commitment phobic, and it was because my parents were divorced. I told her that wasn't the case, and that it was the way she pushed me to get committed to her--even though I had been with her for about 4 years at that point-- and her throwing "you dont love me"'s and "you want to date other people"'s at me that was starting to be too much for me. She has low self esteem and depression, and I felt like that was creeping into our relationship and making her even more desperate for the acceptance of being in an officially committed ( ring involved) relationship. I hit a point where, I felt so depressed I started to feel like a "shell" of my former self...for lack of a better description.

 

I began to go to counseling for my depression (through the college) and to find out if I was really commitment phobic. The counseling went on for about a year and a half, and basically turned into sessions where I would talk to the counselor about my relationship problems... which always happened, as if on schedule, every week before my counseling sessions. With every session, I was finding out more and more that it wasn't that I didn't want to commit to anyone, its just that I couldn't commit to anyone that made me feel like my opinion didn't matter. My views on commitment didn't feel important in comparison to hers, and she'd always use my love for her to her advantage and hurt me with "you dont love me" etc, and if I ever told her I did care for her... she'd tell me "then why dont you want to be in a commited relationship". This is all going on while I'm on my 5th year together with her.

 

Skipping ahead a bit, I got into grad school, and had to decide whether I was going to live with my girlfriend and commit to her, or move on and live on campus in the fall. After much thought and tears, and late nights arguing I decided to go for it... considering how much effort I was putting into the relationship so far, it just seemed like the next step. I got her a Promise Ring, and basically told her, I loved her, she was someone I would consider marrying... that we have some things to work on, but that I would one day like to get engaged and then possibly married to her. She was happy, I was happy. Things were good for three weeks, when one night she told me, "Hey, umm.... I was thinking. If you want to date other people, you can." That floored me. We argued about commitment for years, and finally after she gets it from me... she gives me a free pass to date anyone I want? I brought this up to her and she told me "I know how you feel about me, so I'm okay with it." I tried to explain to her that she is creating a future problem by giving me permission to do this, and asked her to consider her own feelings and not try and do me any favors, especially when I didn't ask her for the chance to date anyone, but she insisted. I told her okay.

 

THROUGHOUT the following week, she brought up the dating other people thing... again, all on her own! Part 1- She tells me, "Oh I was thinking..you can date other people, but I don't really want you to. So, dont tell me if you do okay?". Okay. Part 2 - "Umm, you can date other people if you want, but I don't really want you to." Then the last part. Part 3 - "Oh, I thought about it some more and I don't want you to date other people at all. You can if you want to! But I dont want you to tell me. I mean....if you CHEAT on me, I'll forgive you. Just tell me if you have sex with anyone else, I don't want any diseases."..........Okay then. All of this was unprompted and took place in one week! Another week we argued about something else, she laughed at me when I was desperately trying to make her understand my point of view, which made me incredibly angry. How could someone who I trust so much to try and understand me when I'm hurt, laugh at me? This made me angrier then I had ever been in my entire life and just reminded me about how she just didn't care about my opinion on anything. All of this was a prequel to the very last argument, and the point of this post.

 

The very last argument took place the weekend of our graduation. Our parents were coming into town, and her parents got in first on saturday. I spent the whole day with her and her family, and near the end of the day I reminded her that I had some plans to hang out with a friend from out of town (a girl) and possibly her sister. I told her I didn't want her to be there, because I was pretty worn out from being around her and her family so I could use some time away from her. I told her I'd come by and pick her up a little later on and we could spend the night together. I left, she texted me to go online, we talked on the internet for a bit before my friends came over and my ex went on to tell me how suspicious it was that I didn't want her around when my friend, a girl, from out of town, was coming over. I assured her that I wasn't doing anything, she was JUST a friend, and reminded her about the promise ring I gave her. She told me that it was still suspicious and proceeded to push to make me feel guilty about it. I became frustrated after awhile, told her I was logging off and she said okay and encouraged me to have fun without her... which seeemed sarcastic. Some time passed, she text messaged me, asking me if I was coming to pick her up and I told her I didn't want to come and get her tonight anymore, and that I didn't want any drama tonight so we needed to have a talk about all of this after graduation weekend. She called me up, angrily demanding I explain this "drama" to her right now and that she was going to come over. We started to yell, I told her I didn't want her to come over, and she told me "Is this because you want to see other people???" Which only made me even more upset. I told her NO. Which she followed with, "You cant even tell me you don't want to see other people can you? TELL me right now, do you want to see other people or not? YES or NO?" .......

 

I told her, "WELL with the way you're being, who wouldn't want to date other people??"

 

Awkward silence, a few expletives, her asking me if I meant that, me saying no....my apology... a few minutes later, she tells me she doesn't want to live with me anymore, and then a few more minutes and she comes over and gives me back the ring we argued for years about, then she left. I was so hurt, and angry that she could EVER give me back that ring, especially when I never built her up to thinking I wanted to be with anyone else, and never gave her ANY reason to doubt that I loved her. All the counseling, group counseling, and days I had spent just to build up the courage to take that step with her-- and she gives it back because she was upset with me. As if she'd NEVER ever said anything she didn't mean that hurt me and she ended up taking it back. (I forgot to mention she broke up with me 4 times in the past, and claimed it was "for me" because I seemed to unhappy with her.) My friends came by shortly after the argument, I gave them a brief summary of what happened with me, how I said something I shouldn't have said and how my ex gave me back the ring everyone knew I pained over giving her. It was a crappy night. Around 2 am when things were winding down with my friends, my ex came over ... unannounced. We went outside to talk to keep everyone out of our problems, and ended up arguing, out in the rain, at 2 am in the morning, on a saturday night. That was absolutely it for me. Two days later, I broke up with her and told her I just couldn't take it anymore. The emotional stress was killing me, and I felt like I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore-- it was just that bad.

 

Unfortunately, things happened that we had no control over and we HAD to move in together. Big mistake, and I probably haven't made a bigger mistake my entire life. She wants to get back together and has made desperate attempts to get back with me, going as far as to say she'll do whatever I want to make it happen. We've talked a lot, sort of realized a lot of our arguments were miscommunication..as usual, but I still don't feel better about the whole thing. She wants to start over, fresh, and set up guidelines and things we both need to work on to be a successful couple. The problem is, I just don't feel like anythings changed, and I feel like if we got back together, it'd only be good for a few weeks and then everything will be back the way they were before. I'm definitely not over the events that took place before I broke up with her, and I really don't have the patience for even a "small" problem to come up. I still love her, and I don't want to hurt her again if things weren't working out for me. I don't want to string her along, so I told her to move on and not to wait for me to make up my mind... but she says thats not possible. I really don't know what to do anymore. All I can think about is all the good times I had with her, and all that I love about her, but when I think of all the things she has said to me, all the times she accused me of things and yelled and broken down in front of me over things imagined... it just makes me sick. Relationships are supposed to be more life enhancing then negative. All of my friends and family members who know what has going on in some way, tell me not to get back together with her... and part of me agrees. But we've shared so much and there's definitely something good there if we could manage to hold a relationship together for almost 6 years... but are memories all I have? is there anything left? Has anyone else been through anything similar to this? I could really use some advice or just someone to relate to on this topic.

[tommycapnpants]

i dont really have any advice to give you. i think you are right though relationships are supposed to life enhancing and not negative. if you really do love her and think you can continue to love her. . .take another chance.

[tikigods]

I would figure out a way to move out of the place ASAP and get her out of your life. This was a very unhealthy relationship and that if you go back to her the same things will happen again. Also with her saying you could date other people I wouldn't be surprised if she had cheated on you and was trying to give you the green light to do the same to her so that she wouldn't feel so bad about it. The pressure that she put you under, isn't fair to you, and tells me that she only cares about what she wants and this magical timeline she has in her head and what SHE wants to do. Get out now, it will hurt, but you will be far more happier

[last efforts]

Thanks for the input! I'm definitely considering moving out, at least after my first year in grad school (ha if i can make it). She's still claiming she can change, and is trying to prove it to me, but I guess I'm having a hard time believing her. It's also hard for me to believe her claims of breaking up with me in the past because it seems like something *I* wanted... that's the same reason she claims she gave me back the ring. She felt I wasn't happy with her, and she was doing me a favor. It feels as if her giving me back the ring like that isn't something I could forgive her for... besides the numerous other pressures she put me through.

[last efforts]

tommy- thanks for the advice. I'm really putting a lot of thought into this. I guess I just need to figure out what is forgivable in my life without compromising myself.