Is this a MORAL issue?!!

[paperazzi]

Okay, I just need some basic opinions. My husband cheated on me and left me 18 months ago for the girlfriend. The girlfriend left her hubby of 15 years for my hubby. I have since befriended the girlfriend's hubby because I had a lot of unanswered questions at the time and my ex preferred to blame me for everything instead of being honest. The girlfriend's hubby has been very supportive, insightful and has helped me so much to understand and cope with the breakdown of my marriage (and I think I've helped him similarly). If he were somebody I'd met in a grocery store, we'd have hit it off right away, so it's definitely not a rebound thing. I've never been desperate for a man, ever, so that's not the issue, either. We have both been very, very careful about NOT getting too involved, in fact, because we're both still healing. But I have found this guy's friendship to be very valuable on so many levels and I respect him immensely. He has been immensely respectful to me, too.

 

My dilemma is this: My mother made it clear to me today this is a "moral" issue and that I'm demeaning myself, her, my kids, our family and friends. She said I was acting like a sleaze, told me I was irrational and illogical, and that I probably should have my kids taken away because my friendship with this fellow made me selfish and irresponsible. My ex has been bad-mouthing me to everybody about everything and then some (trying to get back his tarnished Nice Guy image by bringing me down, of course), including my oldest son, telling him I'm going to be moving in with this fellow (so not true) and my mother told me that particular bit of information was going to destroy my kids and that by having this guy as a friend in the first place, I was disregarding my kids' best interests. She said we were "spouse-swapping," called him a "creep" and a low-life and said she never, ever wanted to meet him. She's a very judgmental person, if that hasn't been made obvious enough.

 

So can anybody tell me if my friendship with this fellow IS morally wrong? If so, what makes it that way because I honestly don't get it.

[Lizzie60]

So can anybody tell me if my friendship with this fellow IS morally wrong? If so, what makes it that way because I honestly don't get it.

 

Nobody can tell you how to live YOUR life...not your mother and most of all, not your husband....

 

I personally don't think it's wrong... it's quite normal as a matter of fact, you are, in a way, lucky that he wanted to talk about it with you... most people don't want to 'connect' or talk about the D-day especially with the other spouse...

 

So, my advice don't worry about what other people think... this is your life... as long as you and your kids are happy.... the rest of the world doesn't really matter.

[Woggle]

Both of you have common ground so you have every right to support each other. Your husband made the choice to cheat on you and the OW made the choice to cheat on her husband so neither one has the right to say anything. As for your mother I don't know what is wrong with her. My mother still supports my ex wife that tried to kill me so some parents are wrong.

[JulieJ]

I don't think it is morally wrong for you to maintain a friendship with this guy. I'm sure this has been a very difficult and painful time for you and you should be able to do whatever it is that you need to heal and start feeling better.

 

That being said, I would still investigate what your mother said to you. Is it your friendship with this man that makes her think you are irresponsible or is it how the friendship affects your life? For example, have you blown off any family responsibilities in order to hang out with this guy or are you seeing more of him than you are of your family? Having a friendship with this man is not immoral, but maybe you have been acting differently as a result? Just a few things to think about.

[paperazzi]

Well, I don't actually care what my ex-hubby thinks about me or says about me. He's hurt me so much over the last 18 months with various things that I think I'm numb now. But my mother made it very clear to me that it will affect OUR relationship if I keep being friendly with the other guy.

 

Is that an even normal thing to do? I just don't get her viewpoint (thus the accusation that I'm "irrational" and "illogical").

[paperazzi]

Well, I don't actually care what my ex-hubby thinks about me or says about me. He's hurt me so much over the last 18 months with various things that I think I'm numb now. But my mother made it very clear to me that it will affect OUR relationship if I keep being friendly with the other guy.

 

Is that an even normal thing to do? I just don't get her viewpoint (thus the accusation that I'm "irrational" and "illogical").

[paperazzi]

Whoops, sorry, I don't know how I got two messages up there.

 

JulieJ, I certainly haven't been blowing off my family to see this guy. I hardly see him as it is (mostly just talk on the phone with him). My kids are definitely my priority! The youngest is, well, 18 months (yep, his father is a jerk).

 

My mother made it very clear to me that she believed this is a moral issue. Like some sort of sick wife-swap. My friendship with the guy has helped me cope immensely and I don't know that I could have done it without him, quite frankly. I believe I'm a much healthier, better adjusted person because of his input because before becoming friends with him I blamed myself for being a failure. Now I don't. I was conned -big time! - by my ex and I'm just thankful it ended when it did. I can move on healthily. Whether me and this other fellow take our friendship in a more serious, committed direction is unknown. All I do know is that I value his friendship and it would devastate me if I had to end it because it was "immoral."

 

So, I guess that's what I don't understand. If this guy's presence has been so positive for me, why is she so opposed? Where, exactly, is the morality issue? I kind of wonder if she isn't just ashamed and embarrassed by this unconventional friendship and is emotionally bullying me into stopping the relationship so SHE can feel better. She is quite prudish (I once long ago dyed my auburn hair platinum blonde just for fun and she refused to let me come home to visit because I looked like a "tart").

[triple7allstar]

Well,

 

I might have a different opinion on this issue than most of the others that have replied to you thus far.

 

First of all - what your ex did to you was shameful and wrong. What your new friends ex wife did to him was shameful and wrong.

 

I'm a Christian. I'm not here to judge you. I don't believe that you have done anything wrong as of yet. I would caution you, however, to limit the amount of time that you do spend with your new friend as it not only looks innapropriate to others (and I understand not caring what other people think), but can easily lead to an innapropriate relationship.

 

You guys are still married right? If this is the case I think that it is best to refrain from building a friendship with ex hubby's new girlfriend's ex hubby (you wouldn't see him, even as "just friends" if your husband were still in the picture right?) Until the paperwork is done and its all legal I would leave him alone and cope.

 

Bottom line is that you've already communicated that there is a romantic interest there - which will always be in the back of your mind when you guys hang out. Even if the focus initially is just on being friends. It's how these things work.

 

Give it time. Be strong for your kids. Maybe seek counseling at your local church. Don't pay any mind to your mother - she should be comforting you and guiding you rather than judging and demeaning, and let the new guy know that you want to do the right thing and wait to build (even a friendship) until you are no longer a married woman.

 

I know this might sound really "Christianese", but try it:

 

pray - you might be surprised

[paperazzi]

Thanks for the other point of view, triple7allstar. My mother is a die-hard Catholic and we don't see eye-to-eye on a number of issues (although I am respectful enough to not judge her as harshly as she judges me).

 

For what it's worth, I did have a lot of faith and prayed a lot. My ex took advantage of this. He professed to be a Christian himself and certainly seemed to have values and integrity. I prayed a lot about making the right decision to marry him because I'd been badly hurt in the past. Fast forward a mere two years and this guy is having an affair (or perhaps several), then when we split, he tried to extort an enormous sum of money out of me from the house we purchased WHILE he was having an affair (I guess the previous home in my name only wasn't going to net him enough), he left all the family debt (mortgage and his vehicle payments included because it was on my credit) to me even though I'd had a brand new baby and wasn't working. The home became my source of income because I began fostering and daycare to make ends meet. Now I've lost my home and my income because he's demanded more than 50% of the property and it has to go to court to be settled at great expense. Worse, I've learned recently that he's even molested his toddler daughter (no help legally for her there - not enough PROOF).

 

So, while I respect your input about this issue looking inappropriate (and even agree to a point, which is why this fellow and I are not taking it further until a more appropriate time, if even then), I must admit to feeling rather cold spiritually. I have lost all my faith in marriage entirely because I have been very badly scammed and there's not a damned thing I can do about it because the laws are warped. I know I will NEVER get married again. Period. God and I aren't on speaking terms anymore because my prayers weren't answered and I honestly tried to do the right, Christian thing.

[Lynna]

Wow, first of all NO, your friendship with the OW's H is NOT immoral. You are two people who have been badly hurt by your spouses, you have common ground and can be a support system for each other. There is NOTHING wrong with that. If I were you I would just keep things as friends for awhile just to get yourselves stable emotionally and make sure all legal proceedings are finished. After that, who knows. Your mother is being unreasonable. She should be supportive, your H is a royal {insert your favorite insulting term}.

 

About your H, I can't believe that after what he did he is trying to get more than half of everything. I assume you have proof of the affair, that in itself should be grounds to get YOU more than half of everything. And he should be giving you both alimony and child support. He should also be sharing half the debt. Man, I am SO SORRY for you and everything that you are going through. Big virtual hug!!!!

 

Your friendship is not immoral, don't give up a positive relationship when you are surrounded by so much negativity. You could point out to your mother that she is being DECIDEDLY UNChristian in her attitude. That might put her in her place. You could even draw on quotes from the Bible if that would help.

[triple7allstar]

Wow, first of all NO, your friendship with the OW's H is NOT immoral. You are two people who have been badly hurt by your spouses, you have common ground and can be a support system for each other. There is NOTHING wrong with that. If I were you I would just keep things as friends for awhile just to get yourselves stable emotionally and make sure all legal proceedings are finished. After that, who knows. Your mother is being unreasonable. She should be supportive, your H is a royal {insert your favorite insulting term}.

 

About your H, I can't believe that after what he did he is trying to get more than half of everything. I assume you have proof of the affair, that in itself should be grounds to get YOU more than half of everything. And he should be giving you both alimony and child support. He should also be sharing half the debt. Man, I am SO SORRY for you and everything that you are going through. Big virtual hug!!!!

 

Your friendship is not immoral, don't give up a positive relationship when you are surrounded by so much negativity. You could point out to your mother that she is being DECIDEDLY UNChristian in her attitude. That might put her in her place. You could even draw on quotes from the Bible if that would help.

 

 

I agree. Just keep it as friends and wait till everything "legal" has boiled over to take it any further than that and you are good "morally" speaking.

 

Wishing you the absolute best