"gf" cheating on me now wants to be friends...

[Bob992]

I live in NZ and met this girl from the US around March 2006, we eventually hooked up and started seeing each other. Things were going nicely until she expressed her desire for us to break it off; I asked if a casual (aka friends + sex) thing was possible and she agreed. At this time I knew she was still hung up on her ex before coming to this country.

This was fine, we had an open relationship, I slept with another person and told her about and she did the same with one other. However I did feel bad after sleeping with this person and did not do it again. I had asked her, and she had agreed, that whoever we were with we would tell each other about, to keep things honest and open. However we got more and more closer as 2006 progressed, and by we I mean she was acting more and more like my girlfriend.

Everyone around us thought she was my girlfriend, she kissed me in public and held my hand. Always visited me and did all the little things to act as my girlfriend. I even asked her once, briefly, about our status and she said yes to us calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend (though not enthusiastically).

 

The first news was she returned to the US in Feb 2007 and told me she was intending to “patch things up” with her ex, and in this context it meant trying to get back together with him. Her emails confirm this. I let it go though, it was her ex, her first love – and I knew about it and had ignored it in 2006. I gave her that.

 

I know for a fact her ex did not want to see her anymore (from her emails) and she started messaging me online saying “I miss you” and generally being affectionate. This all stopped in May 2006 where I later found out (from emails) that she was having a fling with another guy in the US. She tells me it was “nothing” and she slept with him once (which is a lie).

She returned to NZ in June 2007 to tell me that she didn’t want to have sex with me anymore, and only wanted to be friends, why she could not tell me this before coming to NZ I don’t know – she claims she decided on the flight, but I don’t believe her.

I know from her emails she cares about me, and this thing with the guy in May 2006 was something to her but in her words “I left just before I started to develop feelings” so I know she probably cares about me more than him.

I discovered she had, had a relationship for most of the second half of 2006 and never told me (she mentioned she was helping someone – not that she was sleeping with him), I also discovered she had been “with” other guys.

The thing was in about late February 2007 I read an email where she was talking to her friend about which NZ guy to choose (me or this other NZ guy).

In addition to this once she arrived in NZ I brought her to her flat and went home a few days later, I discovered the weekend after I went home (to another city) she kissed and slept (not sex tho) with a guy but in her words “I didn’t sleep with him which was lucky because I don’t find this one that attractive”. This was after she had said she said to me she wanted nothing to do with guys in NZ because she didn’t want to become attached.

The first problem I have is in my opinion she cheated on me. Although we were never officially together, which is her rationale for being able to sleep with other guys in her emails, her actions were the actions of a girlfriend – all of my friends thought we were together even when I said we were just friends.

We were never officially together, and I know this because I always had doubt in my mind, however she obviously felt she could not tell me about the guys she was seeing, and if this is the case she had feelings for me, and therefore if you have feelings for someone how can you sleep with others with a clean conscience? I take some blame for this for not sorting it out though however she should not have said yes to me calling her my girlfriend and acted like my girlfriend while sleeping with other guys. To me this constitutes cheating by her actions, even if technically we probably weren’t officially together.

The second problem I have is she lied to me. After I asked her some things, knowing the truth after reading her email, she lied to my face and continues to lie to my face about the things she did (and probably still is doing) yet wants to be friends. Her rationale for lying was she didn’t want to hurt me – but really I think it’s that she didn’t want me to stop being her friend.

The thing is I’d probably be ok if she said ok lets continue a casual relationship, even if she slept with others, as long as she was honest. Id also be ok if she said no to a casual relationship and did not sleep or do anything with anyone else (I know she is because she is kissing other guys at parties).

What im struggling with is she says she doesn’t want to sleep with me, yet I know she does things with other guys and she has stopped denying that she intends to have “fun” with other guys. How can we be friends? Im struggling at this time in my life because many of my friends left the country.

I do care for her, but I can’t help but feel terrible when I see her and think about her with other guys. I don’t know how to get over this.

Also I’d like to say I am not proud about reading her emails but in my opinion she left me no choice, and based on what she has done she can hardly take the moral highground.

This is a letter she recently sent to her friend about me, I have changed the names (im Bob, her ex is John):

“it's going.. Bob and i are in big fights at the moment because he found out about some of the other guys i ahd been with, even though we weren't together, he was mad i didn't tell him about these other guys. granted i did deny that there were other guys for a while because i didn't want to hurt him, which was a bad move, but he is taking it really hard. he is particularly mad that he can't get over me, to which i said, welcome to the human race, it's never easy to get over anyone. the thing is i kind of really do want a steady boyfriend but there are so many reasons its a bad idea, the number one being i have been moving around for 2 years and it doesn't look like i will be settling down anytime soon. i really care about Bob, but i want it to just be friends. i don't want to get attached. especially not after things finally ended with John, i don't want to get back into these situations again. i want to be truly free of boys for a while. it sounds ridiculous, but it's my goal. i still feel bad about Bob though. why do i always get myself into these situations??”

Any advice appreciated!!!!! I feel so pathetic but I can't help but keep talking to her, I need her as a friend ... :/

[norajane]

What im struggling with is she says she doesn’t want to sleep with me, yet I know she does things with other guys and she has stopped denying that she intends to have “fun” with other guys. How can we be friends?

 

Well, the truth is, you can't be friends. You want to sleep with her, she doesn't want to sleep with you, and she wants to sleep with other guys. Since you can't handle that situation without feeling hurt, disappointed, upset, you can't be friends.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear, but if you try the friend thing, it's just going to eat away at you. There are plenty of people in NZ. Find other friends, or a girlfriend who wants you.