Mother a Control Freak..

[arust029]

Hey Everyone,

 

I'm going to make this as short as i can, and to the point. I am a 23 year old Arab boy who has met, and fallen in love with a now 20 year old Irish-Canadian Girl. Our relationship started off as a friendship and quickly grew (over 5 years) into dating and then on our 2nd year of being in a formal relationship, i popped the question. I've already graduated University with an Engineering Degree and begining to look for my future career. My Fiancee is in University taking a psychology degree.

 

The problem starts here. Even though i don't live with my parents (but still live off of my father's money, because i've just finished full time University) i had my mom visit me and my brother (who live together). When i got engaged, i called her to let her know, and she freaked out on me, telling me it was too early. Things only got bad after she came over for the visit. When she got her, and not ever meeting my fiancee before, i asked her to free up some time to meet my future wife and get to know her. She claims that my wanting to get married is very selfish, and that i was prioritising my fiancee over my mother (which isnt true).

 

As time passed, she began to get completely crazy. She refuses to recognise my engagement. She says she will only recognise my fiancee as a 'friend'. (at this point she hasent even met her in person yet)

 

One day during my mom's visit, my fiancee was going through a graduation ceremony for a diploma she recieved. I told my mom that i had to attend, and that i would like her to come too. When she refused to come, i told her that it would mean that i would have to leave her at home alone to go to the graduating ceremony. She gave me complete hell!...she told me it was unreasonable to leave her alone during her visit. I told her that i understood that, but that i had to go to this ceremony because it was very important for my fiancee that i am there. After going through a painful argument, i finally get her to give in. She askes "how long will this ceramony take"...i tell her it should take about an hour to finish. An hour exactly after i leave the house, i get all these calls from her, demanding i be back home because i told her it would take an hour. I told her that it looks like its going to go on a little longer...she got pissed...

 

Leaving that situation behind, 2 days later, i finally convince my mom to meet my fiancee. We met at a Starbucks coffee shop and it was very awkward. They spoke a bit, and we then left. My mom got into the car and it was like unleaching the beast. Her judgements were terrible. "oh i dont like the way she smiles", she says..."she doesnt act like us (culturally)"..."shes not good looking enough, i cant believe u want her, shes not who i want for my son"...then the racist comments began "you should find someone of your own race"..."these white people dont behave like us, they have no morals"..."you only have cats in your house because she shaped your mind to look after animals"...

 

everything after that turned into a huge conspiracy. Later that day, my fiancee was trying to get into her car and her car key broke in half. She was stuck without a ride. She calls me and tells me the situation and asks me for help. Of course, i had to go help her out. I let my mom know about the situation and the judgements continued..she went on saying "shes a lier, shes just trying to get you to go over there and see her"...when i eventually told my mom shes being ridiculous and that i had to go, she got extremely pissed off. I should mention at this point, it was 8pm and i spent the ENTIRE day with my mom entertaining her, and making sure shes happy...my brother was done work at 6pm and we were all together (the three of us) when i had to leave..so i wasnt leaving her alone, but rather leaving her with my brother.

 

So i go, pick up my fiancee and take her home to get a spare key, and drove back to her car to get her car out. Meanwhile, about 30 mins after i left, i get a call from my mom telling me that i was gone too long and needed to come home immediately. I told her that i would be home when the situation was taken care of. I finally get my fiancee to grab her car and i went back home with her and hung out for a few mins (about 30 mins). I then went back home to a very pissed off mother telling me i was not keeping to my word.

 

My fiancee and i want nothing but her blessings, but she (my mother) has turned into a monster. She hates that i'm with a White girl, let alone that i'm in a relationship. Yesterday after the above situation, i got really mad at her for crossing the line with me as not to respect my relationship and the situation as to why i had to go help my fiancee out. My fiancee is really upset about this, and sincerely wants to talk to my mom and work things out. I'm too scared that my mom would lash out against her and ruin our relationship. Even though i did get into a fight with my mom several times during her visit, i still love her (of course) and respect her. I think she needs some serious help, because most likely she is dealing with losing control of her child to another woman.

 

Any advise on what to do about my control freak mom who wants all the attention to herself and wants nothing but to have me all to herself? its not easy to get her to cave into anything.

[K-os]

What I view as the best solution may not be something you would be too happy about. I have and am currently dealing with abusive, controlling parents, but from the other side (my girl's parents are the abusers). The way I see it, there is no problem unless you let there be one. You're free to do as you wish and to keep out or let in as much drama as you want to. Whenever your mom goes crazy, it doesn't have to effect you if you don't want it to. I know she's your mom, but that's absolutely no excuse for this kind of ridiculous behavior. My advice would be to not cut her any breaks. How would you react if a friend or acquaintance acted this way? My guess would be totally differently, but your mom has no more right to make your life hell or control you than a friend does.

 

I know some people have this idea that they have to make their parents happy and do everything they can to be on good terms with them, but this isn't always possible for everyone. Standing up for yourself and keeping control of your own life may put some distance between you and your mom for awhile, but that usually isn't permanent assuming she's not completely insane. Sometimes all it takes is time for a parent to get over the fact that they don't have control anymore and to realize that their manipulative ways of getting it back are only driving their kids away. Just remember that any space that comes between the two of you is her fault, not yours. Always be open and forgiving, but never let ANYONE control and manipulate you. Who needs the stress?

[adnCat]

I'm so sorry for your situation. I think maybe your mother is just very freaked out about losing her son to another woman. I think all you can do at this point is tell your mother that you love this girl, and you are going to marry her, and she will be a big part of your life. And that it does not mean that you do not want her (your mother) to be pushed out of the picture. Explain that you really do have room for both.

 

If you feel this way, tell your mom something like: "I love you, you are my mother, and I will always need you. Don't feel that this engagement is a choice between you and her. It is not. I won't ever be able to replace the love I have for you with anything else. Please give her a fair chance and get to know her before making any more judgements based on her race or her looks. How unfair would it be if her mother did not like me for silly reasons, like my race, and refused to get to know me?"

 

Tell her that her recent behavior is only serving to drive you further away from her (you mother).

 

Her fighting harder to convince you that this girl is not right for you will only make you and your fiance closer because the two of you will end up in an "us against her (your mother)" mentality. Your mother needs to understand that.

 

You say that she hates that you are with a white girl, let alone in any relationship. This makes me think that she is just upset about the relationship, and uses things like race (or smile, or affinity for cats) to cast a negative judgement.

 

If it really is a race thing- Is your fiance at all interested in learning about your culture? Maybe if she expressed an interest to your mother, it would help.

[arust029]

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for the great advice. Heres a quick update:

 

After my mom met my fiancee, things got worse. My fiancee felt awkward and she could feel the hate in my mom's face, so she didnt feel comfortable talking a lot infront of my mom. My mom saw her lack of speaking as offensive. My mom still holds the idea that shes 'foreign' and that her cultural norms are not like ours, and that i should find someone of my own kind.

 

The fights between myself and my mom have been much less than before. I chose to lessen the drama and not take things more offensively. I've pretty much decided that i will move on with my plans to marry despite my mom's disagreement with my choice. My biggest issue is that, deep down inside, who would want his mom not to approve of his fiancee. I would like my mom to be at the wedding, but with the attitute she has (and it is very nasty and beast-like) i dont think she will attend my future wedding. And what if she turns my sisters minds against me? or not let them go to my future wedding?

 

These are all stresses i deal with every minute of every day. My fiancee is shocked at my moms attitude. Neverthe less shes asking me to respect my mother by not stirring her emotions, but rather letting her enjoy her visit.

 

The wedding is the main problem..what do i do if my mom builds enemies against my plans, and turn my own family against me?..she is very capable.

 

hellp...

[K-os]

I hate to say it, but if anyone in your family could be so easily swayed to not go to your wedding, then you don't want them there in the first place. It's kind of like dating a girl and being cheated on (hasn't happened to me, but I can imagine). Although it sucks to find out, you can still breath somewhat easy in knowing you didn't want that kind of girl around anyway. The sooner you find that out the better.

 

Even though you would probably be devastated if most of your family didn't attend your wedding, it wouldn't be the end of the world. A wedding is just a celebration and a way for loved ones to share in that celebration. If someone doesn't want to attend for whatever reason, they obviously don't have to. You don't need to hold it against them or anything. Hopefully you'll see them at another time. But if they truly call you a loved one, then they should come support you regardless of something so stupid. If someone chooses not to then I think that says a lot about that person. Then it would be time to reconsider if that person is really worth worrying so much about in the first place.

 

Good luck, and make sure to keep us updated as things occur!

[mental_traveller]

Sorry to hear about this. Racism sucks and especially if it's from one of your family towards your partner. In my experience, people like this don't listen to reason, and it often takes years for them to shift an inch in their views.

 

My solution would be very simple - I would tell my mother that she's not going to hear from me again, and then cut her out of my life. Most people won't go to that extreme. So I would recommend you just avoid any discussion about your fiancee, and if your mother persists in going on about it, just tell her you have made up your mind, and her complaints will only make you more determined. Then say if she has any respect for you that she will agree to disagree and simply not raise the topic again. Then just blank her any time she moans about it, change the subject, leave/hang up etc. Just minimise the conflict as much as you can.

 

Don't expect her to change her mind any time soon.

[katiebour]

Hey there,

 

My dad told me about racist comments he received from his parents, and how he dealt with it... He laid down the law with them, said "if you want to visit with me, you can't make comments like that." When at first they continued to make the same sort of bigoted remarks, my dad got up and left. He would check in on them every few months or so, and if anything bigoted came up, he simply left. It was effective, and after a few repeats, they kept the comments to themselves.

 

As far as your mom driving the rest of your family away, why don't you step up here? Give your sisters a call, chat with them with your fiancee with you, tell them how you've met a wonderful girl who makes you so very happy, and ask them if they'd like to speak to her. Put her on the phone with them and see what happens. Or, if at all possible, take your fiancee to meet them, take them out to lunch, shopping, to a movie, to lunch, whatever. Something where you can all interact and talk together.

 

You mentioned a brother- has he met your fiancee, and what does he think? Maybe he can help sway your mother's opinion.

 

But remember this: As a man with sisters and a brother, your getting married is NOT leaving your mother without support. She has all of your siblings as well. You may not be able to change the prejudices of a lifetime, but when it comes down to it, you're living YOUR life, not hers. There will come a time when she will pass away and you will need the comfort and support of your loving spouse. It is you and your spouse who will raise a family and comfort each other in your old age. Your mother has no right to try and take this happiness from you, and if you have to choose between contact with your mother and a happy relationship with your fiancee, choose the fiancee.

 

When my own mother tried to dictate the terms of a former relationship, I refused to let her do so. We had several arguments which resulted in us not talking for five years. Since I put my foot down, she has gained the good sense to stay out of my relationships.

 

It is not a parent's place to dictate the life of a grown child- their role at that point is to help and support.