Confused_60672 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I have been with my wife for 17 years. Over time we have drifted apart. She has always had low self-esteem problems and conflicts at work. She now has a job that she likes and guys flirt with her. I caught her making out with a a co-worker and she swears that nothing is going on and that is was intoxicated. That was 5 months ago. Since then, she has lost a lot of weight, has purchased fashionable clothes, got a stlyish hair cut and goes out with her friends once a week to a bar. I recently found out the guy I caught her with goes there also. Incredibily I believe her that nothing has happened but I know she "wants" something to happen. I finally had enough and said I was leaving. She convinced me to stay saying that she loves me but doesn't find me attractive in a sexual manner anymore. She said that we should see other people and maybe that will spice things up. She told me to have an affair so she can have one (this is the 3rd time she has said this). To make things difficult we have a son. Coming from a broken home, I know the damage a child goes through in a divorce. I know my wife loves me but wants the "rush" from a new relationship. I am positive this is from her low self-esteem and she likes the fact guys find her attractive. Please offer any advice you can. My mind is spinning out of control. I want to save the marriage but not sure I can survive something like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Hello, You catch your wife making out with a co-worker but are convinced nothing has happened? She tells you she wants an open marriage to have affairs and she does not find you sexually attractive. She goes out to bars with friends and the OM is present also. I think you would have to be in major denial to believe that nothing has happened. You sound desperate to believe anything. I don't think you need to have a piano fall on your head to understand what is going on. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. It sounds like she is acting as a single woman around her friends. She is making out with another guy....Hello. I would contact an attorney to understand your various options. It is clear that your wife has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
Lynna Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Marriage counseling - there are ways to spice up your relationship and to find each other sexually attractive again! Link to post Share on other sites
FireandIce Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Your wife wants to see other people "to spice up your relationship" because she doesn't want to feel guilty for being the one stepping out of the marriage. I think it's time you gave her a choice. If she wants to be a single woman then let her go be a single woman......without you. If you want to continue down the path you're already on then just sit there and do nothing. Right now your wife is doing whatever the heck she wants and if you don't do something now she'll continue to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 This woman is trash. Nobody worth a nickel would do this to thier child or the father of her child. If she wants to be single then take the child and run. You shouldnt be confused... you should be PISSED! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 You are almost describing my story to a T with my first ex... except for the cheating. I didn't love him anymore... I wanted him to find a mistress....I didn't want sex with him anymore... I was fantasizing about other men all the time. I wanted an 'open marriage' but he didn't... so I finally left. We also had a son together... it was hard... extremely hard to leave. Don't fool yourself...she already cheated with this guy... come on... how naive to think that she's making out with him...see him in bars..and nothing happened... Like someone said, she just doesn't want to feel guilty about her affair... So YOU have to decide if an open marriage is for you or not... if not, well you have to get out... I don't think MC will help...she just doesn't love you anymore...simple. You cannot force someone to love you... you said it yourself...you drifted apart.. now...it's too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Melissa277 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I have been with my wife for 17 years. Over time we have drifted apart. She has always had low self-esteem problems and conflicts at work. She now has a job that she likes and guys flirt with her. I caught her making out with a a co-worker and she swears that nothing is going on and that is was intoxicated. That was 5 months ago. Since then, she has lost a lot of weight, has purchased fashionable clothes, got a stlyish hair cut and goes out with her friends once a week to a bar. I recently found out the guy I caught her with goes there also. Incredibily I believe her that nothing has happened but I know she "wants" something to happen. I finally had enough and said I was leaving. She convinced me to stay saying that she loves me but doesn't find me attractive in a sexual manner anymore. She said that we should see other people and maybe that will spice things up. She told me to have an affair so she can have one (this is the 3rd time she has said this). To make things difficult we have a son. Coming from a broken home, I know the damage a child goes through in a divorce. I know my wife loves me but wants the "rush" from a new relationship. I am positive this is from her low self-esteem and she likes the fact guys find her attractive. Please offer any advice you can. My mind is spinning out of control. I want to save the marriage but not sure I can survive something like this. I feel so bad for you. This situation is totally out of control. You say you know she loves you, but how do you know? She wants to have an affair. She doesn't find you sexually attractive. She wants the "rush" of a new relationship and she wants you to have an affair too? Sorry, but that doesn't sound like love to me. You shouldn't leave though, you should kick her sorry butt out the door and while your kicking, tell her not to come back until she's ready to work on your marriage. Please stop allowing her to believe that you're perfectly happy being her "backup." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 You love her, you two have a child together and 17 years of marriage - That's alot to throw away....I wouldn't throw in the towel quite yet...She's loving the attention from someone else and possibly she's slept with him, but she's definately on the road of having an affair, atleast right now an emotional affair, which is just as damaging. Right now she isn't the woman you married. She's in the affair fog and so wrapped up in the fantasy which is ALL based on fun, good feelings and self satisfaction...She has forgotten about you, your life together, being a mom..ALL that comes second now. What you can do is, find out more about the OM. Is he married? Have a girlfriend? If so, EXPOSE what you know to the OM's spouse. It's a sure way of slowing down, if not, stopping the affair. Focus on you and your son because you have no control over what she does, thinks or feels. She's experiencing life on the other side of the fence, all the good stuff...I'm betting once she realizes that it's not as good as she thinks it is, she'll wake up and come back....That is, if you're willing to forgive her enough for a second chance. I'm sorry for the pain you're in, maybe consider some one on one counselling for yourself... There are many people here who can help you through this, so keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
quiet1one1 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 She's lying. You absolutely must not believe her crap. Cheaters will say absolutely anything to put-off discovery, even the nonsense she's feeding you. 17 years (or 28 in my case) means NOTHING. It's hard to believe and accept but that's the way it is in our disposable society. You can give her a choice if you want but you know what it will be. She's already long gone. Hang in there. Take care of #1 first, son second. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 When your partner suggests to you, "let's see other people"... that's usually because they're ALREADY doing just that. WWIU is right. There's a "fog" surrounding cheaters. It skews their perception, and even causes them to "rewrite" the marital history in more cases than not. The only thing that can penetrate the fog is REALITY. In my own reality, if my partner says he's not attracted to me or doesn't know if he's "in love" with me anymore, I'm willing to give him a few days to pull himself together. People can occasionally get their heads screwed on wrong and be utterly clueless as to what's important to them. But if he's persistent and I become convinced he really means what he says... I'm packing his sh*t and putting it out on the porch. Nobody should have to feel like they're not a top priority in their mate's life, or worry in any kind of consistent way that their mate would rather be somewhere else. Your best bet is to clarify her choices for her. 'Either shape up and fly right.. or take it on down the road'. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I would not waste anymore time with her. Tell her to go enjoy her life and find someone else to live with... This other person is probably exciting to her now because they do not have the stressors of living with each other yet. Once she sees the stability of a 17 year marriage is gone she will probably have regrets. Kick her to the curb Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 I finally had enough and said I was leaving. She convinced me to stay saying that she loves me but doesn't find me attractive in a sexual manner anymore. That right there is enough reason to leave. By her saying that, she will continue to want to have an affair and cheat. Sounds like she only wants you around for kids' sake, or money. You might have to be prepared to leave her, or better yet, make her leave. She said that we should see other people and maybe that will spice things up. She told me to have an affair so she can have one (this is the 3rd time she has said this). Oh man, just dump this tramp. She wants the stability of a home, but wants to open her legs for other men? aw hell no! Please offer any advice you can. My mind is spinning out of control. I want to save the marriage but not sure I can survive something like this. Unless you can adapt to a swinging lifestyle, you really only have two options. Stay with her and let her screw other men, or kick her worthless butt out and file for divorce. Also get custody of your son. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 29, 2007 Share Posted June 29, 2007 Marriage counseling - there are ways to spice up your relationship and to find each other sexually attractive again! No offense, but I don't think marriage counseling is going to take the slut out of this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 I have been with my wife for 17 years. Over time we have drifted apart. She has always had low self-esteem problems and conflicts at work. She now has a job that she likes and guys flirt with her. I caught her making out with a a co-worker and she swears that nothing is going on and that is was intoxicated. That was 5 months ago. Since then, she has lost a lot of weight, has purchased fashionable clothes, got a stlyish hair cut and goes out with her friends once a week to a bar. I recently found out the guy I caught her with goes there also. Incredibily I believe her that nothing has happened but I know she "wants" something to happen. I finally had enough and said I was leaving. She convinced me to stay saying that she loves me but doesn't find me attractive in a sexual manner anymore. She said that we should see other people and maybe that will spice things up. She told me to have an affair so she can have one (this is the 3rd time she has said this). To make things difficult we have a son. Coming from a broken home, I know the damage a child goes through in a divorce. I know my wife loves me but wants the "rush" from a new relationship. I am positive this is from her low self-esteem and she likes the fact guys find her attractive. Please offer any advice you can. My mind is spinning out of control. I want to save the marriage but not sure I can survive something like this. She's already had sex with this other guy! Because she said that she doesn't find you attractive, plus she wants you to go and sleep around! Those 2 right there are BIG red flags. She just wants to ease her guilty conscience, if she even has one! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 You love her, you two have a child together and 17 years of marriage - That's alot to throw away....I wouldn't throw in the towel quite yet...She's loving the attention from someone else and possibly she's slept with him, but she's definately on the road of having an affair, atleast right now an emotional affair, which is just as damaging. Right now she isn't the woman you married. She's in the affair fog and so wrapped up in the fantasy which is ALL based on fun, good feelings and self satisfaction...She has forgotten about you, your life together, being a mom..ALL that comes second now. What you can do is, find out more about the OM. Is he married? Have a girlfriend? If so, EXPOSE what you know to the OM's spouse. It's a sure way of slowing down, if not, stopping the affair. Focus on you and your son because you have no control over what she does, thinks or feels. She's experiencing life on the other side of the fence, all the good stuff...I'm betting once she realizes that it's not as good as she thinks it is, she'll wake up and come back....That is, if you're willing to forgive her enough for a second chance. I'm sorry for the pain you're in, maybe consider some one on one counselling for yourself... There are many people here who can help you through this, so keep posting. Normally I agree with you, but, not on this one. He shouldn't just let her have her fun, and stay at home waiting for her while she's hurting him, no way! It's time for him to kick her to the curb! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 I think everyone telling you to bail on your marriage is forgetting two things: 1). You have 17 years and a child together. 2). You probably still love her. I think you need to have an "if / then" conversation with her. Tell her you still love her, don't want to have an affair, don't want her to have an affair and that you want to work on your marriage. If she refuses, time to tell her the "then" - divorce and the resulting family and financial chaos. I would at least fight to make my position clear... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 I think everyone telling you to bail on your marriage is forgetting two things: 1). You have 17 years and a child together. 2). You probably still love her. I think you need to have an "if / then" conversation with her. Tell her you still love her, don't want to have an affair, don't want her to have an affair and that you want to work on your marriage. Awww...that is sweet and all fine and dandy, but she will still want to f#ck other guys and will cheat on him anyway. She already told him she does not find him sexually attractive anymore. And his child doesn't need to be raised by this huss. He needs to take his child and get as far away from her as he can. I know he thinks he loves her, but she wants other men between her legs. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 I think everyone telling you to bail on your marriage is forgetting two things: 1). You have 17 years and a child together. 2). You probably still love her. I think you need to have an "if / then" conversation with her. Tell her you still love her, don't want to have an affair, don't want her to have an affair and that you want to work on your marriage. If she refuses, time to tell her the "then" - divorce and the resulting family and financial chaos. I would at least fight to make my position clear... Mr. Lucky There's only one problem with this Idea, She's the one who forgot all of this.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused_60672 Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 I want to thank everyone for the advice. Yes I am desperate to believe anything to save my marriage but I have to face the reality of the situation. I have moved to an apartment to pull myself together. Probably not the best idea based off all the posts but the only one that I felt would save my sanity. It pisses me off that she is throwing this all away just for some attention. What the h*ll have I done for the last 17 years? So we have drifted apart but to seek it elsewhere - poor excuse. Part of me wants to destroy the OM socially and financially. I could do this but my wife would become a causality and I would end up hurting myself financially. In the end, I realize its my wife that I have to blame but I love her and I still can't bring myself to be mean to her. Call me a sap but when I made my vows I meant them. My emotions are all over the place but I am slowly gaining control. I won't do anything rash since logic is still in control. Once again, thanks for the advice. I know the light at the end of the tunnel is not a train but the pain is so incredible. For the OM/OW or people wanting to have an affair, think twice before you destroy a family. Your selfish needs are a poor excuse to put others through so much pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Confused, I really feel for you. Honestly I think you should move back when you can and throw her out. You may have made some mistakes, however she decided to walk out. I know there are some people telling you to work on your marriage. I think you need to show her you mean business first. If she doesnt respect you as a man then this is just going to happen again. With all honesty, I feel you need to go read some posts by Gunny. It will put some hair on your chest! Link to post Share on other sites
Melissa277 Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Part of me wants to destroy the OM socially and financially. I could do this but my wife would become a causality and I would end up hurting myself financially. For the OM/OW or people wanting to have an affair, think twice before you destroy a family. Your selfish needs are a poor excuse to put others through so much pain. Please do not do this Confused. Sure, destroying the OM will make you feel better momentarily, but in the long haul, you're the one who will suffer even more. My H's OW was so p*ssed when he tried to break it off with her that she got him fired from his job. WE lost everything and have yet to recover after almost two years. She just moved on. I know the situations are different, but you get my drift. People who have affairs are way too selfish to see that what they are doing is wrong. Most have very little self-respect and extremely low self-esteem. They get such a high off of sneaking, lying, and cheating that they can't see their nose from their face. They (both the MM/MW and the OM/OW) feel entitled to their own happiness regardless of the pain they cause others and often validate the A by blaming the innocent spouse who, most times, is completely in the dark and going along thinking everything is hunky dorey. Then when the sh*t hits the fan, the cheater spills the beans about how they weren't getting this or that from the M. IMHO, they're just chicken sh*ts who can't or won't face up to their own dysfunctions. It sucks, but it's reality. You need to take care of yourself, which it sounds like you're doing. It's just too bad that you had to move out when she's the one who messed up. (I did too ... couldn't stand being in the same room with H, but he wouldn't budge.) Where is your child living? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confused_60672 Posted July 13, 2007 Author Share Posted July 13, 2007 Cobra - Thanks for the post. I have read many of Gunny's posts. I am fully away of his stance and his course of action. I feel, and I might be wrong, this was the correct decision for my situation. Melissa - Thanks for sharing your personal experience. Don't worry, I don't plan on going after the OM. It is something I had in the back of mind and decided to post to get feedback. My son is at home with my wife. It is the best environment for him. I need to take care of myself before I can take care of him. Trust me, my son is the most important thing in my life and my decisions are in the best interest of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Confused, I completely understand. Please remember that selfish women only think "how will this affect me", and they are Very shortsighted, which is why a Gunny style approach works well with them. It shows them immediate and real consequences for thier actions. However I know that you have a son to worry about. Best of Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
quiet1one1 Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 Call me a sap but when I made my vows I meant them. Is it just me or does it seem like most of the people on LS who say similar words are guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted July 13, 2007 Share Posted July 13, 2007 First you were wrong to move out of the house. You should have made her move. She is the one who should be inconvienced by her actions not you. I wouldn't go after the om but I sure would not be implicit in helping them hide their affair. If Friends and family ask, tell the truth! She is sleeping with another man. Link to post Share on other sites
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