Wife wants to have an affair

[travellingman]

Have a girlfriend? If so, EXPOSE what you know to the OM's spouse. It's a sure way of slowing down, if not, stopping the affair.

 

Please don't do this. Only creates more problems for your kid, and is attacking a symptom, not the cause of the problem - which is loss of chemistry between you two.

 

I'd say go for the open marriage for now, with the expectation that it could be the first step out the door.

[Jasmine8719]

What she's doing is so wrong...i don't see how you could put up with it. Cheating on your husband is wrong....it's not love....She's obviously been cheating and i think its unhealthy being in a relationship like that. Seeing other people doesnt spice things up... your relationship just falls apart even more...Im sure its hard for you to leave but that probably would be the best thing to do...If your worried about your son coming from a broken home...my parents divorced when i was 7 and im perfectly fine never got in trouble past lunch detention at school...love life, love everyone...i think its all how you treat and raise your children....But do what makes you happy and whats best for you...good luck!

[Darth Vader]

You need to contact this OM's wife, and let her know what's going on with your wife and her husband, then move back in and throw her butt out!

[InaPanic]

Confused, let's just say i speak from experience here.

 

I think your wife is absolutely in the midst of a mid life crisis. 17 years of marriage, if she married young, would put her at that age it seems to happen to a lot of us. The weight loss is adding to this! If she's been overweight for years & suddenly she's getting attention it can be euphoric! It can make you feel 20 years old again. It can make you be really really stupid. And then being caught up in the fantasy & entoxicating days of a 'new' relationship....i'm sorry but you cannot compare a 17 year old relationship & the feelings you get with that person to the feelings you get with someone new. I don't mean for that to sound harsh but i think you can understand & agree with that. Honestly, i don't think it's sex that she's looking for, it's that feeling she gets with other guys. I think often, especially in women, affairs are not so much about sex but emotion. For me, the feeling i got from the OM was what it was all about in the end. It wasn't him, it wasn't the sex it was that feeling. I felt like a door had been opened in my life that had been shut a long long time. I still, almost a year later, sometimes struggle with missing that feeling.

I was going to actually suggest you move out to see if it snapped her out of it or made her have any epiphany that she really did want & need you. How has she reacted to your leaving?

Still loving someone can make you accept things you may have never thought you would accept. My husband has done the same thing. I'm sure people who know of our situation have put him down behind his back because of this. But if you love someone you can't always do what everyone else thinks you should. In the end you have to do what gets YOU thru this life. But you can't beat a dead horse either. If she really isnt' willing to give up the single lifestyle & at least attempt to work on the marriage then i'm not sure there is anything you can do. You don't seem like you would want an open marriage. I think if you agree to that just to hold onto her you are just going to open another can of worms for yourself.

Hopefully she'll realize what she's feeling with this other guy or the other guys she sees in the bars isn't real & doesn't last. I realized this but a little too late. My affair literally put me over the edge & has affected my life & my husbands life forever. He reminded me the other day that it's been almost a year since i met the OM in person. That tells me he's still hurting probably every day.

I think a heart to heart may be in order to let her know where you stand.

[Confused_60672]

InaPanic: It sounds like you have the situation summed up.

 

I do think she is going through a mid-life crisis. She knows it's wrong but wants the "newness rush" hence the proposal to an open relationship. I love her, despite everything, but this is something I can not do. We had a heart to heart discussion and she is unsure about things. She is miserable at the moment because she knows that the feeling will be short term and eventually end. She also knows that she will have ruined the marriage in the process.

 

But I'm not going to sit here and let her have the best of both worlds. I am taking control of the situation and moving on. She needs to realize what's important in life. At that point, we *might* be able to fix the marriage but I'm not holding my breath.

[Sevenmack]

Sure she may be going through a midlife crisis. But her insecurity in herself isn't your job to handle. Nor is it your job to coddle her neediness -- and she is; that's part of the makeup of people who have affairs -- and concede to her demands to have you in her life without her giving you anything in return.

 

At this point, moving on is the best solution. Even if she eventually realizes she's in error, this woman probably has so many issues to resolve that saving a marriage won't be on her list of things to do. She has to fix herself before she can fix this marriage. None of those things are on her list right now; she just wants someone new.

 

All the best to you Confused.

[Curmudgeon]

But I'm not going to sit here and let her have the best of both worlds. I am taking control of the situation and moving on. She needs to realize what's important in life.

 

The worse thing you can do in a situation like this is do nothing.

 

Back to your original post:

 

She said that we should see other people and maybe that will spice things up. She told me to have an affair so she can have one (this is the 3rd time she has said this).

 

Quite frankly, if my wife ever suggested this even once, much less three times, I'd tell her that marriage counseling was mandatory. If she refused then I'd tell her to go ahead and have her affair. If she did then when she returned from her fling she'd find her belongings in storage, the locks to the house changed and that would be the end of it.

 

I wonder how stimulating she'd find that!

[Confused_60672]

I just wanted to provide an update since I have found the advice extremely valuable.

 

I have started telling family (my side) and friends. It is a relief since they are extremely supportive. They don't know any details but they assume that I wouldn't have moved out with trying everything. They also see how devastated I am and it explains my behavior over the last several months.

 

I have been trying the NC approach that I have read on the other threads. It helps but the pain keeps coming back in waves. I find myself getting extremely mad now (guess I'm out of the denial stage). We talk probably once a day to make sure we know who is picking up our son. She is bright and cheerful when she calls and acts like life is wonderful. She explains how her day has gone like nothing is wrong between us. This kills me. I don't act rude, but I don't act like I am happy either trying to end the call quickly.

 

I have been watching our son for 10 of the last 14 days while she has been traveling and going out with her "friends". Don't get me wrong, I love my son and we missed each other those 4 days but it is killing me that she is out having a great time and I am miserable. It's like I have done her a favor by making the tough decision of moving out.

 

The only bit of satisfaction I have is I know her family will be devastated when they learn I left. Like my friends, they know I would do anything for my family and there is something seriously wrong for me to leave. I will let her break the news to them. I'm sure it will be the "we've grown apart" story but I am sure they will see through that. I will miss them since I was closer to them over my own blood family.

 

It makes me even angrier when I think of all the years I helped her emotionally through job after job and all the friends/co-workers that rejected her. Now she has a job she likes and friends to go out with, I am tossed away like garbage.

 

Sorry for writing on but I need an outlet. She is out right now with "friends" and it is killing me.

 

For anyone who has gone through this, how do I stop the pain? I exercise almost twice a day, bury my head in work and am trying the NC approach. But yet, the moment I stop I find myself consumed with negative thoughts and sorrow. I am trying to break the cycle but need advice that worked for others. I am also interested in how long this will last.

[Darth Vader]

Why not contact her family and let them know whats going on, why let her twist them against you, they wouldn't be able to shake her out of it, but at least they could apply pressure to her, in theory.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

She is traveling with her lover while leaving her son with you?

 

Consult a qualified family law attorney in your area, if you want custody of your son and/or if you want there to be even a chance that you will not lose your house. In some states, her infidelity can make a difference in the outcome of the divorce and for purposes of spousal support (not all states). You should also consider moving back into the family home or she will argue (accurately) that it is now her residence, not yours, and that your child lives there with her and it is in the best interest of the child that both she and the child continue to live there (possibly at your expense if the house is still under mortgage), that you do not live there, and that she should get the house and custody.

 

I know that you love her, but you need to consult an attorney now, not later, for the sake of yourself, and your child, to make sure that both of your interests are protected. I suggest consulting as many of the very highly skilled family law attorneys in your town as possible before deciding which one to hire.

[Confused_60672]

Darth - If I told on her I would be attacking her indirectly and probably make things really ugly. Trust me, the thought passed my mind immediately and several times since. The feeling will only be temporary and won't help things.

 

WithOrWithoutYou - I know that the OM didn't travel with her (I have my sources) but the nights with 'friends" probably means he's there. Even if he's not there, she is probably shopping around (flirting) to get the "rush". The days I have with my son were pre-agreed in advance since I wanted as much time with him as possible. I just need to figure out a way to cope with the fact she is out there living a singles life and I am miserable. Not thinking about the situation has been next to impossible and hope people can share how they did it.

[whichwayisup]

I will miss them since I was closer to them over my own blood family.

You are still their grandchild's father, so you WILL be part of their family. It may be different, but don't assume that they'll cut you out of their life, especially when they find out WHY.

 

I know it's killing you, but try not to let what she does upset you so much, you've got no control over what she does, who she sees - Focus on yourself, your child and try your best to keep busy, distract yourself. Change up your routine too! Maybe join a gym, or do some sport that you love. Even doing some yoga will relax your mind and body.

 

Sorry that you're hurting so much..