My children were molested by adopted brother

[Juliejo]

Hi, I wonder if anyone has any suggestions for me. I have three biological children and I adopted a boy when he was 7, from DHS. I knew he had been neglected and that was about it. When my daughter was 20 years old she told he had molested her from the time she was 6 until she was 12, when he went into the NAVY, and he was 18 years old. I asked my sons and they denied it. He had come home for a visit and told my daughter he was sorry for what he did, and then the tried to molest her again. She ran away from him and when he left and went back to the NAVY, she told me what he had done to her. I told her it wasnt her fault, I told her I loved her and how sorry I was and then I contacted the NAVY because he was living with a woman who had three children, and she would go over seas, and leave them in his care, and I was afraid for their safety. He contacted me and I told him he was no longer a part of this family and he could never come around us again, that I had to support and protect my daughter, ( at this time I didnt know about my boys and he didnt tell me or the NAVY that he molested them either), and that I would never forgive him and how much he had betryed me and my husband and hurt my daughter. I made appointments for my daughter to see a Therpaist, she refused to go, I got her on anti-depresants, she refused to take them. She tried to tell me about the abuse and I will admit, I COULD NOT LISTEN TO IT. I was not the one to hear the details of it. She is a very angry person. She hates everyone. Two years later my oldest son told me he had been molested too and a year ago my youngest son told me he had repressed the memories and they surfaced and he had been molested too. I am sick over it. My daughter married a drug user and has two sons of her own. My gandsons sons told me her husband hits my daughter and that he was arrested for DUI and was in jail. Since she married him (he told her he was molested by his father ) he has done all he could do to get me out of her life. She now blames me for the abuse and says I knew and just allowed it to happen. That is not true. My oldest son began to have night tremeors and went into counseling about 2 months ago. All of my children live in different States than I do so I do not see them often. One is in Florida, one is in Utah, 1 is in Kansas and I am in California. I dont know why they didnt tell me when they were children and I could have done more to help. Now, they are all adults and I find out, all of it. It make sme sick at my stomach that I adopted him to help him and to do good things for him and to give him a fmaily and mother and father. My daughter talks very badly about me to my sons and they get upset over it. they do not blame me for the abuse and they dont hate him either. My oldest son was really screwed up for years and he recently had a daughter of his own and he is trying to be a good father to her and he is in Therpay. My youngest son seems less hurt by all of it but did see a counslor for a while after he told me and he and his wife seem okay.

But, my daughter is uisng drugs I am sure with her husband and her husband told me I could no longer see my grandsons or send them anything or call them that I was not family. My daughter talks trash to me and I think she hates me but then she is so unhappy that I think she hates everyone. Why does she blame me? Why does she think I knew and just allowed it. It breaks my heart to see her suffer but she is an adult and I can do nothing for her. I love her and my grand children but I rarley get to see them. My oldest son is reluctant to talk about any of this with me and he doesnt call or write much mostly I have to contact him. My youngest son who keeps in contact with my daughter and olest sons says my oldest son has no relationship with my dauther and they do not talk. My daughter talks to his wife. Then after my daughter in-law talked to my daughter she sent me an emial blamign me for all the abuse and saying the same things that my daughter says to me. That I am no good, a liar and worthless human being. My husband and I tired to accept her husband but he wanted nothing to do with us and we would go for a visit and he wouldnt even speak to us. I took her food, diapers, bottles, clothes, you name it because her husband wont work most of the time, I didnt want my grandsons to go without. I tried to make up for neglecting and for a long time I just took her abusive ways just so I coudl see the children.

I am a mother with a broken heart and I failed at the one thing that means more to me than life itself. I would die for my children if I could fix it for them. Does anyone have any advise for me.

Juliejo:(

[Lostgurl]

Hi Juliejo,

 

I'm so sorry for your pain. Big hugs to you. Please try to see that your daughter is very hurt by this, and I think in her heart she knows that none of this was your fault. She had her innocence taken from her and she'll never get that back. She is angry to the core and she needs therapy to deal with the hell that she went through with her step brother.

 

At this point I'm not sure that there is all that much you can do for her except to let her know that you are there for her, and will remain there for her until she wakes up and realizes she needs help. But I can't help but think that her husband might be encouraging her to think it was your fault... He sounds like poison, and I hope that she realizes this and leaves him. She won't be able to start her journey of healing until she can get out of this abusive relationship she's in.

 

My bestfriend dealt with something like this in her family. I've seen the damage first hand. Her brothers were molested at a young age by their uncle. The family never found out until the youngest boy was 24 years old. He drank alot did drugs and was a very angry kid. He dropped out of school in grade six. Had destructive relationships, and one night he flipped out at a party, and screamed it at his sisters and brothers.

 

They understood then why he was so angry, but he also blamed it on his parents. He blamed them for letting this horrible person babysit him and his brothers. He blamed his parents for 33 years. He never went to councilling, he came to realize on his own that it wasn't his parents fault, and finally started to warm up to them. He still has alot of problems but he is learning to deal with what happened to him alot better. I'm sure the pain will never go away, but he's finally come to realize that it wasn't his mom and dad's fault. One can only wish that he'd get councilling for what happened. Nothing ever happened to the uncle, he got away scott free. My friends family is so angered by this, because all three brothers as well as many other cousins had their lives ruined by this horrible waste of skin, and no one ever came forward.

[Juliejo]

I appreciate your words. The family and children you spoke about sounds alot like mine. I know in my heart that I cannot help my daughter until she is ready and even then I can only be there for her. She needs to see a Therapist in the worst way, and I agree her husband is poison. I cant help but feel like her adopted brother used her then and now her husband is too. She is the one who works most of the time. He always seems to have something wrong with him so that he cant work. When she met him she had goen to Arizona to visit a girl-friend and she met him at a party and he gave her drugs. I am smart enough to know when she is high. My husand and I have been to their home on at least two occassions and we could smell weed in the air. I confronted her once and she told me that her life was none of my business and she threw me out of her house. I had real concerns about the welfare of her children when they were younger, but they are 10 and 12 now and not babies anymore. She and her husband (who by the way is 9 years older than her, argue and fight in front of the children. He is way beneth her but she doesnt see it. I know she uses the drugs and drinks to forget her pain but that is not the answer. I just hope she realizes one day that I love her and how very sorry I am. My other two sons tell me when they call her on the phone her husband always answers and they have to deal with him first before he will let her talk. It hurt to know that I tired to do something good for someone and in-stead I hurt my own children.

Again thanks for listeing.

Juliejo