Noel Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 My what I call Husband & I met at the young age of 17. We dated through high school & beyond to our current situation. We have been through many challenges, dissapointments & money issues. We own a business, house and numorous toys like jet ski's, motorcycles ect. Our relationship is beyond good & we own our own company so we work together each day. We work great together & the business is going on 9 years now. Most people I know couldn't even work together, much less deal with normal issues. Anyway, we recently had a discussion about marriage, which we have had before & at 32, he is 31, I guess I thought we should go ahead & do this since nothing else in our lives had gone by that traditional fairy book setting. We both met young, both of our parents were divorced within two years of one another (we were around 19 yrs.), and we moved in together & had bought our first house at 23 yrs. Now all these years later & still a good relationship, he has decided he does not want to get married. I almost hit the ceiling & wanted to slap him at the same time. He doesn't have commitment issues, and says he likes everything just the way it is because everyone that is together for long periods that then get married, end of divorced. He does his own thing allot with friends & I am really dwelling on this. I have analyzed everything. I can't figure it out. I mean my Mom even has come to the conclusion that rings & marriage between ourselves would be fine. But why? What to do..leave & give up everything I know and love & move on, or an automatem, which stinks because I don't want to force anything. He keeps talking to people & its all negative & none of them are or have been in our long term situation. We are not talking about kids, but I know he doesn't want them right now. He wants to be with me, but not to marry me. Am I just spending too much time on something I have so good, and since this blow my trust has gone to about a 3! Whats next? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 Well, he's told you he doesn't want to get married. So, you need to decide what you want out of life. Do YOU want to marry someone? If so, then you need to leave this guy and find a man who will be more than happy to marry you. Do not stay with him just because you are used to it and because it is comfortable. If the two of you don't want the same things, re: commitment, then it is not going to work. IMO, you aren't his dreamgirl. He is with you because you have been together for so long, but if he were to meet the "right" girl, he would get married in a heartbeat. (I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.) He is keeping you around because it is easy. If you were his dreamgirl, he would want to marry you and take you off the market. Hell, he's had 12 years to do so, yet he hasn't! I can't believe you have stuck with it for this long. IMO, you need to walk away from this and see how he reacts. Let him experience life without you for awhile. Don't contact him or call him, just tell him that it's over because you want different things. If he truly loves you and wants you in his life, he will change his tune. If not, then you are off to find another man who would love to make you his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 The fact that it has taken you 14 years to finally learn what his position is on marriage and your future together tells me the two of you have serious communication problems. If you are wanting marriage, which many people do, and he doesn't then make sure ownership of your business is clearly spelled out in legal documents. If you leave him to move on, it may be difficult to work together...at least for a while...and you may want him to buy out your half. This can only take place if there are clearly defined documents of ownership. I can certainly understand his side. He's been with you longer than many marriages last with all the benefits and all seems to be going well. He has absolutely no motivation to get married. That's just his way of looking at the world and has nothing to do with you. Your responsiblity early on was to find out just how he felt about such things and not presume he had the same outlook and perspective on love and life that you do. Be prepared if you leave. People who do just fine together can get real nasty in a break up, particularly if there is money and a business involved. Get excellent legal advice if you decide to move on. You're still young and if you're looking for marriage, stability and security, it's not to late to make a move. And, by the way, marriage is certainly no guarantee of stabilty and enduring security. You may have more of that just the way you are right now. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 Don't jump ship just yet. I've heard several people tell me the same thing - there is something about that little piece of paper that comes between a couple. I work with 2 people who live with their "common law husbands" and have told me that marriage just doesn't work for them. One has been married and divorced to the same guy twice so they just live together now. They've been together over 30 years. You said your relationship is "beyond good" so maybe he's thinking along the lines of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" Why is marriage so important to you now? What do you think it will change about your relationship? What do you want it change in your relationship? How does he view marriage? Does he think that if he wears a ring on his finger, and has a certificate in a box in the closet it means he will have to change the way he lives now? (like not getting together with other friends, etc.) I think you two need to not listen to friends and family, and figure out what marriage REALLY means to both of you. It could be that he's not ready NOW for marriage, or it could be that he never will be. You might want to try a marriage or couples counselor to help you both define what marriage means to you. You might change your mind yourself. I wouldn't run from the relationship just yet though - you have a lot of time and effort in making it work and anything worthwhile takes work. Link to post Share on other sites
rubgirl202 Posted July 30, 2003 Share Posted July 30, 2003 First, I want to say how much I appreciate the other answers to the original issue. I too am in a similar situation (boyfriend and I together for 5 years-own home and businesses together, he 37 me 32). I hit the wall recently because everything in our relationship seems to be making progress, but 'us'. I love him dearly and consider myself to have been rather patient with him (and i'm not a patient person!). He SAID that he wanted to marry me when we discussed this about 2 years ago...but nothing has happened in the way of a proposal. Something is holding him back, but he has not identified it. I say to her, if you really want to be with him, just be with him. If you want to be 'married'-be careful what you wish for-do you just want the 'wife' title or do you want to be happy with the person? I've decided that I love him too much to let a piece of paper and title dictate my life. He wants to be with me and I want to be with him, so we'll just 'be'-until PMS rears its ugly head again, I suppose! Link to post Share on other sites
hot_baby269 Posted August 1, 2003 Share Posted August 1, 2003 it sounds like he is scared to ruin what yall got going on that he thanks marriage will bring some troble and he loves you to muvh to take a chase of the things he thank might happen to happen Link to post Share on other sites
jgrjlr Posted August 8, 2003 Share Posted August 8, 2003 I'm in the same situation you are. We've been together for 5 years and my boyfriend has no desire to get married. We've purchased many things together, and have a house together. If you feel the need to leave then do it, but just because he doesn't want to get married doesn't mean he doesn't love you or he's just used to you. Guys aren't like girls they don't stay with you because it's easy. They get bored with you and then move on. My boyfriend has been surrounded my divorces his parents, his grandparents, both his sisters, aunts and uncles, why would he want to be married after half his family has been divorced. I have a question how does your husband introduce you to people, as his wife or his girlfriend? It's easy for people on the outside to say oh just walk away, you don't need him. Just move on. Ya, you try it. They don't have the feelings you have toward him and they aren't involved in the relationship like you. I'd love to get married to my boyfriend there is no doubt about that, but I'm not going to throw away everything we have because he won't give me a ring and a piece of paper. Maybe talk to your husband about getting rings. You won't have the wedding but people will see you as married. As far as the marriage license goes you won't have one but that piece of paper is worthless today. No one takes it seriously. It used to be a sign of commitment but now it's just another paper to sign. As far as kids go I'd have to draw the line there. I'd have to say that if he wants kids with you he's going to have to marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts