will my wife ever come back to me

[confuzd]

does anybody think for a second by reading my last post that I stand a chance, that maybe she is second guessing her decision and will come back eventually, obviously not anytime soon her lease on the apartment is six months, although she could've gone longer if she wanted. But does anythink that she may still want to be with me.

[Woggle]

Why do you say that? she just told me she is in love with me when she would never say that before, she would only say she loved me. to her there is a big difference. why do you think she will swing back.

 

You have a lot to learn about women.

[confuzd]

okay then woggle learn me sumtin bout women, just kiddin. but really then enlighten me with your reasoning that I am doomed

[Lizzie60]

does anybody think for a second by reading my last post that I stand a chance, that maybe she is second guessing her decision and will come back eventually, obviously not anytime soon her lease on the apartment is six months, although she could've gone longer if she wanted. But does anythink that she may still want to be with me.

 

Maybe... maybe not... I remember when I left my first ex... I was like her... confused, but excited about my new apartment, my new life... but extremely sad in a way.

 

It's really hard to explain...but eventhough I wasn't 'in love' with my H then... I felt sooo bad to see all his pain... it was really really sad... I felt sooo freken sorry for him...

 

At first, I told him I needed my space, I needed to find myself... blablabla... but I knew deep inside that I just couldn't go back eventhough in the months that followed many times I caught myself thinking that maybe I should sacrifice my 'happiness' for him and my son... but mainly for my son... but I just couldn't go back... It was to a point of no return.

 

It is not easy... I can understand how she feels to some degree.

[confuzd]

thanks lizzie for your honest input,

 

Let me ask you, did you tell your husband after you left that you were still "in love" with him. did you still kiss him, hug him, and do those sorts of things.

 

why did you feel you would be sacrificing your happiness, did your husband not change?

 

since you were in the same place as my wife, can you interpret her actions.

 

I know every situation is different and I don't know what happened between you and your husband, but my wife still seems deeply in love with me. I could be wrong though.

[Woggle]

okay then woggle learn me sumtin bout women, just kiddin. but really then enlighten me with your reasoning that I am doomed

 

Once a woman has it in her head that she wants out there is no going back. She has already distanced herself from you and here you are begging like a puppy which causes her to lose even more respect. If you want a snowballs chance in hell start talking about divorce and start preparung for life on your own because then she will respect you.

[confuzd]

you make a good point woggle, i have stopped begging, but I do still let her know that I am sorry, and that I have always and do still love her. I do this because these are some of her issues she doesn't think I ever really loved her. If I start talking about divorce, she may feel justified that she made the right decision because she will feel like I didn't love her anyways.

I also agree when a woman is DONE, then she is DONE, but I don't think my wife is DONE yet. because when a woman is DONE, then don't do the things that she is doing.

 

Yesterday was okay, we went to the circus, I felt that it was more about her spending time with my son than it was to be with me. I just supressed my feelings towards the end she started being a bit more affectionate towards me. I told her I loved her and she gave me a nice kiss.

 

after the circus we went and grabbed a bite to eat and we had a great converstion just about her life and the things that she had been through, then we went for ice cream and finished the conversation.

 

after ice cream it was about 9pm and me and my son went home and she gave me a kiss goodbye, I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me too.

 

I always read in to stuff that she says, I do this because she doesn't give me any clear answers so I have to find meaning in things that she does and says.

She was talking about how her apt was coming along, and that she needed a t.v for my son, and also how she got a used bedroom set from her friend at work. She said the bedroom set was "okay for now" and also that she wanted to get a new plasma t.v. later and give our son the old t.v.

 

I see this as she is getting very comfortable, and is not making any plans of coming home. She saw that I felt this way by the look on my face, and said "I hope your not reading into anything".

 

Question: by her saying not to read into anything. does that mean that I am wrong in my assumption, and that she wanted to make sure that I knew it was a wrong assumption?

[Lizzie60]

this is strange... I think she is manipulating you... you are just like a little puppy waiting for crumbs and a hug... and she probably feel sorry for you. Sorry if this is hard... but this is my opinion...

 

She's done... From what I read, I am sure she is...she has no intention to go back: the bedroom furniture is good for NOW... she wants to get a plasma tv and give the old one to your son... HELLO!!!!!

 

Come on... (I would say the same thing to a woman) STOP BEING SUCH A DOORMAT, move on... be independant!

 

Let her go... then she might come back if it's meant to be... That's sometimes what happens when one partner is independant, the other comes back running.

[confuzd]

this is strange... I think she is manipulating you... you are just like a little puppy waiting for crumbs and a hug... and she probably feel sorry for you. Sorry if this is hard... but this is my opinion...

 

She's done... From what I read, I am sure she is...she has no intention to go back: the bedroom furniture is good for NOW... she wants to get a plasma tv and give the old one to your son... HELLO!!!!!

 

Come on... (I would say the same thing to a woman) STOP BEING SUCH A DOORMAT, move on... be independant!

 

Let her go... then she might come back if it's meant to be... That's sometimes what happens when one partner is independant, the other comes back running.

 

thanks lizzie, you may be right. I read your other posts though and it seems as if you and my wife are totally different women, when it comes to relationships.

 

do any other women, have a different opinion?

[Lizzie60]

as if you and my wife are totally different women, when it comes to relationships.

I understand what you're saying but... when I left my first ex... I was somewhat LIKE your wife... I know how she feels... that's why I very much doubt she'll be back...

 

I have changed SINCE... (that's where you got the impression I am different)

[Reckless]

It ain't over because there isn't some heavy woman singing.. BUT

 

Your wife asserts she is still "in love" with you; fine, it is clear she does still love you but she has MOVED OUT.

 

Why? I would hassard a guess that she still doesn't trust you. That she is no doubt enjoying, even loving, being 'courted again'; that she is and will remember the good times (presuming you had some) but whatever her mindset, she doesn't want to give your marriage (read: you) another try.

 

A persons actions often speak when we ourselves are not capable of saying the words. They are too hurtful or (as I think is the case with your wife) we are not self aware enough or emotionally ready to hear them. Her actions say "I've moved out and I want the wide screen TV".

 

So why the lovey, inspecting his chesty, kiss-wissy even as the moving men are taking the flat screen? Because every womans dream is that her husband pays her the kind of attention he did when they first met. You're doing that with knobs on and she is LOVING IT!

 

Does it mean she'll come back. Like Woogle says things swing and swing fast.

 

Your basic problem is one of commitment. You have to understand the nature of emotional partnerships. If you are uncommitted to keeping them alive they die. What we have is your wife enjoying you I love yous and kisses but uncommitted to trying again. Committed in fact to moving out. To finding her feet. To living without you. Unless this changes (even without moving back unless she says okay, you seem changed lets give it another go) the NATURAL progression is for her to feel more and more comfortable without you. To feeling less and less bad she left. Eventually her eyes will not fill up and she will say shes in "like" with you.

 

What next? Well, that's anyone's guess really, but I reckon she will either:

 

- think "Well, this moving out deal is working. He's more attentive than ever. I'm really loving being the center of his world again. I want to keep this going for as long as possible" and then little by little (being uncommitted to marriage) emotional distance creeps in. Then the days of hugs and kisses will be numbered.

 

or

 

- think "i really miss him... I think I'll give it another go" and call the movers to take the stuff back.

 

My guess (sorry, I'm really sorry...) is the first. Why? because put really simply, from what I've seen YOU ARE NOT COMMUNICATING. You're not talking about what lead to this, you're not talking about where you both are, you are not talking about what you see the future being? you are not talking period.

 

You are saying "oh isn't mommy the greatest" (by the way please don't use your child to alter the dynamics of your marriage, if he wants to say that, wonderful but don't use him to pass a message to your wife like that...).

 

and she... well, she's saying nothing. If this situation had been a catalyst for open frank discussion, new understanding (even with her moving out), I'd have said maybe good can come in the end) but this seems like an unnaturally repressed, uncomfortably evasive way of seperating and makes me think your relationship is unhealthy.

 

A couple that even when they have nothing to lose STILL cannot communicate makes me feel that they have nothing but the surface "romantic gestures" and no substance.

 

Forgive my frankness, sincerely hope I'm totally wrong on this one...

 

R

[confuzd]

reckless well put and articulated, you have described the worst case scenario to me, and I will mentally prepare myself for this happening. I understand that every case is different, and I have to hope for the best. If the worst happens I will be okay, i still have my health, and a nice home that I can afford comfortably, I feel I have truly changed and would be a good catch for the next woman.

 

any suggestions, on how I can keep the worst from happening, or at least give myself a better chance. How should I act towards her when she comes over to see our son when I have him for the week and vice versa when I go to see him. I don't want to encourage her behavior by showering her with attention. Yet I don't want her to think that I am still the same man who didn't pay her enough attention. Any suggestions that can help me out of the worst case scenario.

[Woggle]

Show her that you are completely moving on and prject the image of having the time of your life without her. If you can be a goood liar even tell her went on a few dates. If she thinks that she is losing yur heart she might change tune. She needs to gain back respect for you.

[Topper]

Confused, Your confusing me with all this. she first cheated on you right? She turns that on you by saying she felt you were taking her for granted right? She is dumping all this on you. Your the one that has to change your the one that has to show her that you love her. Where is her love for you? Words are cheap. She needs space? she is only thinking of herself. she wants her own place she wants a wide screen TV. Tell me are you giving her money?

tell her that after a lot of consideration You will no longer be her doormat! Use those very words her Doormat! let her know You still love her. Let her Know that you are willing to work on the marriage. But you can no longer put your heart out there for her to step all over it. She has to make up her mind. Let her know you are preparing for the worse. Also She will be the one ending the marriage not you. Your not the bad guy here she is.

Now make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Give her the time and place. it is up to her to show up.

i have an idea that all this kissing and watching you dress and all that is her testing seeing if she finds signs that you have been with another woman. that way she can by the victim when she finds what she is looking for. also go to the book stor get some books on seperation and devirce. they can be helpful You will find that 80% are geared to woman. There are very few that address mens issues in this area.

[CaliGuy]

I need some serious advice, I can't eat, sleep or function at work.

click here for a full recap on my story http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=122018&page=2

 

My wife is giving me mixed signals, I have been expressing my love to her and how I am going to change and have realized my mistakes. I try not to be overly sappy but just genuinely remorseful. She is moving out next week to her own apartment. right now she comes home after work sees her son, then leave to her friends house after he goes to sleep, because she says she needs to be away from me. for the few hours she is home, I try not to stress her out with my sorrow and ask all kinds of questions, but I do still confess my love and my regrets for the past. She is open to the idea of possible getting together in the future but never has said she wants too. she will say things like "anything can happen" or "you never know what the future will hold" she still lets me hold her and kiss her, and will tell me she loves me , but when I call her she will not tell me she loves me when getting off of the phone,

 

Why will she say it in person but not on the phone. Yesterday I was holding her telling her that I think she is amazing, and is very important to me. I told her that I think we will get together again one day, and that it will be fresh start. She told me that she doesn't beleive that I truly love her. she thinks that after a month I will have moved on and found some one else. I asked her if that's what she wants and she said no but beleives that thats what will happen. She swears that she is not looking for anyone and doesn't have anyone else.

 

I don't know how to read her or how to proceed after this separation (which she has not defined as a separation) she says she is just leaving so I don't know how to act, do I move on and find someone else since she says it is over, but then why does she get mad when I ask her how that would make her feel, if its over why does she care. She has not filed for divorce and is not acting like she is going to she never even talks about divorce, so I stopped bringing it up. She does not give me any solid reassurance that we will ever be together and it kills me. she said she will still go with me to an annual conference that my job holds, but doubts by that time I will even still want to take her.

 

What the heck is going on? either she wants to be done with me or not. If she is done why does she care that I will move on, why will she still let me hold her and kiss me, why does she still answer yes when I ask her if she still finds me attractive, why does she say I love you in person but not on the phone, Am I doing something wrong, I don't want to push her away anymore than I already have.

 

Please Help, especially ladies preferrably those that have done the dumping.

 

Rush out, right now, and buy the book "Love Must Be Tough" by Doctor James Dobson. She may be on the fence and his book will show you exactly what you need to do to improve yourself and change your image in her eyes.

[Reckless]

I would agree with the guys on this one: Your actions are FACILITATING the worse case scenerio. You are making it easy for her to wean herself away by giving her the benefits of the marriage AND total freedom. She is withdrawing and you are showing her that that is fine by you. No marriage can survive without committment to it doing so. You must communicate that you want to rebuild and are waiting for a change of heart from her. You do not do this by lying on the bed with her and letting her pet your chest.

 

The best thing you can do is put some of the advice you have recieved here into action (woggle, topper Cali et all). Sit her down next visit tell her you want to repair the marriage and will be there if she does too. Until she expresses such to you you will respect her wish for 'space' and only deal with her as the mother of your child not as a lover. Tell her you love her one last time and that you will no longer be expressing such romantic sentiments IN RESPECT OF HER WISHES.

 

I hear your concerns, won't me withdrawing in this way force her away? No, because I warrant a guess that she doesn indeed lack respect for you and we tend to respect men that are firm but fair and stand by principle (the principle here being if someone is committed to leaving me they don't get access to my body or my heart).

 

Be clear, break the pattern of your marriage and communicate in a calm, mature, balanced way. (write it down if you think you cannot do it 'live') and have the backbone and the inner strength to stick to what you have said. This will help you progess as a man, be an excellent example to your son and believe me, if I know anything I can assure you of this as a woman, when you take a step back you will immediately become more desirable.

 

I know it's hard but your wife is very wishy-washy, cake-and-eat-it and you HAVE to stop being the same.

 

R

[Woggle]

On the nights that she has your son go out with some friemds and have a good time. It is summer so there are plenty of things you and your buddies can enjoy. If you live near a beach go for a weekend and if you don't go see a movie then go out to eat. Show her that your life goes on without for two reasons. It will make you more indpendent and desirable and if she does want out for good it will help you realize there is more to life than her and you will set a great example for your son. Also she cheated so this situation should actually be reversed but it is never too late to get some self respect.

[confuzd]

WOW, thanks alot guys I just read this stuff this morning.

 

I really appreciate the advice, and will take some from everybody, and tailor it to my situation.

 

I know I probably sound weak, but I have never been a weak man, and my wife knows that. I may have been a little too strong. Let me first just paint a picture of my wife, no one is perfect but I think I lost a lot of you in translation.

 

My wife is actually a really good person, she has never been money hungry (and no I am not buying her any tv's or anything for that matter) and she is not the type to ask me to. My wife has a heart of gold, she is very loving, and kind. She is empathetic to all people. She loves hard and has been hurt by all the people she loved, her mother, her father, and me. She is a really good woman, with no evil intent. she is not the party type and never has been, she is not promiscuous, and never has been. SHe doesn't drink, or has she ever done any drugs. She is a great woman that I took for granted, for almost nine years. Okay I just wanted to give you guys a better idea of the nature of this woman.

 

Yesterday I did not call her, She came over about 5pm to see my son (she will never go a day without seeing him. She asked if I wanted to go out to eat, I was just there playing video games with him and kind of said sure. So we go eat while we are eating I am keeping the conversation light. Then I ask her "lets say hypothetically speaking if me and you did start over what would you want to be different from before" She then just starting telling me how she would want things. She said that she would want to feel like we were best friends, and that she never felt that way before, she said she would want me to let my wall down and let her get close to me and be able to talk about anything. She started telling me all the things that I did, or didn't do that hurt her and made her feel bad. I just listened, kind of repeated what she said just to show that I understood, and let her just get it off of her chest.

 

I could tell the converation went well, and she was pleased. I told her that I wanted to get to know her mother better, and that I never gave her mother a chance to get to know me. She agreed that I should get to know her mother better. We already have a cruise lined up in september it is already paid for and I offered to take her mother with us so I can take the time to bond with her. My wife said she would ask her if she wanted to go, which is a good sign since my wife never even told me if she was still going to go.

 

So me and my son go back to my house and she goes home I give her a hug and kiss, and tell her that i love her she says the same. It was not a mushy hug and kiss just a normal one that you would give to a person you loved. She could see that I was doing just fine.

 

later that night about 1030pm she calls just to say hi, She must've been doing a lot of thinking or was lonely or something. I just talked about what I was watching and stuff like that, then got off the phone.

 

Then she calls me again today at 830 am just to say good morning, again I just talk about my plans for the day, about her day, and then I get off.

 

She will be coming over today, as she always does.

 

Here is my dilemma with the advice, I have been pulling back with the love dovey stuff. Im not all over her, I am not calling her all day, questioning her whereabouts, texting all the time and that kind of stuff, And she is not out doing anything that I should be worried about anyways, but if the opportunity arises I will make love to her. We both still love each other and it would only be natural. However I will not push the issue if it happens it happens if not then whatever.

 

I do think the more I withhold all the extra attention, she seems to be calling me more, so thanks for the advice. I will keep you guys posted with how things go tonight.

 

oh yeah what do I tell her if she asks why I don't call her anymore like I used to, because I don't want it to seem like I am doing it out of spite that was one of the problems in our marriage, being passive aggressive like that.

[CaliGuy]

Read the book, confused. It tells you exactly how to handle situations like this. It's some of the same advice you are reading here but laid out in steps like how to change your behavior and why what you are doing will push her away and not bring her back.

 

If you want a chance, any chance, read the book.

[confuzd]

Read the book, confused. It tells you exactly how to handle situations like this. It's some of the same advice you are reading here but laid out in steps like how to change your behavior and why what you are doing will push her away and not bring her back.

 

If you want a chance, any chance, read the book.

 

went to barnes and nobles and they didn't have it, so I just bought it off of amazon. I should have it in a few days. can't wait to read it.

 

Any advice on what I should do if this question comes up in the meantime.

[Topper]

One thing i noticed about your conversation with your wife while at dinner. it was all about you being somehow defective. that you were doing things wrong not meeting her needs. What about your needs! You paint a picture of this perfect woman that had an affair! Take of your rose colored glasses and take a long hard look at this woman. She has warts and her bad side. we all do. that's the point. She wants you to be her best friend! she had better start acting like she is your best friend.

Now if she should ask why you are not calling be honest. you are giving her what she wants her space. you are also protecting your own heart. Stop Telling her you love her! You do not have to be cold to her just frank and honest. DO NOT MAKE LOVE TO HER! If she makes that move. Tell her that you would love to make love to her. You want that more then anything in the world. However only when she is committed to the marriage. Get some porn and masturbate if you have to. Utill she is emotionally back, keep even kissing to just a peck and hugs just long enough to be warm and caring but not loving and lingering.

[confuzd]

I finally realized what you guys are telling me is dead on. I finally reached my limit. I come home and she is at my house with my son. I give her a quick hug and kiss. Hold on I need to digress for a minute, Earlier in the week I sent her mother a letter basically apologizing for hurting her daughter, and I also sent flowers. Well she got both of them today. Okay back to my story. My wife looks at me and kind of smiles and says lets go up stairs I need to talk to you.

So at this point Im arming myself with the I don't give a Fu$% attitude just in case she's got something bad to tell me. So she says "my mother got the letter and the flowers today, and she said it was nice but it is all just a bit much". She then said that she felt it was a bit much for her as well, obviously her and her mother are talking. So at this point I am pissed off, and I just say okay. Then she says that I am doing too much and that she doesn't think its a good idea to go out tomorrow for her birthday. I say fine. then I say I'll stop doing too much, and will give you your space. I will do my own thing is what I tell her. She looks kind of confused and says "what does that mean", and I tell her that I am just going to do my own thing, I tell her that I want to focus on how we can come together in the future, and all you seem to do is focus on how you can be comfortable as a single person.

 

She then says what do you expect its only been a few days, of course Im gonna focus on settling into my apartment. I say "yeah but your making no signs of wanting things to work out with us". "it would be different if you said ;you know baby I just need space right now but I do want to us to have a future together" then she says that is what I said, I did say I want us to work out. " I tell her "no you didn't, but that's okay I will respect your space, and will focus on me" I continue on to say "you know how I feel, I have made it perfectly clear, so if you want to talk just let me know, but til then I will respect your space, Im going to take a shower" then she says "okay then Im gonna go ahead and leave" as Im walking to the shower I say without looking back "okay" she walks towards me for a hug and sees that I am not looking for one and walks off upset. My intention is not to upset her so I call her back give her a quick hug and kiss and tell her to drive safe.

 

I hope I handled this okay, but I am really at the point where I am fed up. I write her mother a letter and send her flowers and all I get is, "should've done it sooner" NO FREAKING KIDDING, I should've done alot of stuff sooner, thats the whole damn point.

 

she said she will come by tomorrow to see our son, and I said that i will leave so they can be alone, and she gets upset. It doesn't make any sense to me. Why would you want me there, I almost feel like her mother has told her to play a little harder to get.

 

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, she's gonna play so hard to get that she won't get got.

 

obviously you guys can see that I'm pissed, I think I had to get to this point before I could take all your advice. I am not going to pursue her, i will give her her space until she is ready to let me know that she wants to work on "US". I will still be nice, but I will step when she steps and will dance when she dances. I am at the point where I can now take it or leave it. Could just be my anger talking though, so how did I do, I'm open for critiques.

[CaliGuy]

went to barnes and nobles and they didn't have it, so I just bought it off of amazon. I should have it in a few days. can't wait to read it.

 

Any advice on what I should do if this question comes up in the meantime.

 

 

Good man.

 

You've been busy. And stay busy. Go the gym, hang out with friends, dive into new hobbies, etc.

 

You have to learn to make yourself happy alone before you can make anyone else happy with you in a relationship.

 

Cheers.

[Lizzie60]

I continue on to say "you know how I feel, I have made it perfectly clear, so if you want to talk just let me know, but til then I will respect your space, Im going to take a shower" then she says "okay then Im gonna go ahead and leave" as Im walking to the shower I say without looking back "okay" she walks towards me for a hug and sees that I am not looking for one and walks off upset. My intention is not to upset her so I call her back give her a quick hug and kiss and tell her to drive safe.

 

You're right... don't upset her.... she can walk all over you...but don't upset her...

 

I feel sooo sorry for you... In fact I feel pity for you.

 

You say you will give her space...but she will manipulate you like a little muppet... she knows damn well that she's a lot stronger than you are... and she will use that to 'play' you soooo much.. it's insane.. almost hard to believe really....

 

 

[CaliGuy]

I continue on to say "you know how I feel, I have made it perfectly clear, so if you want to talk just let me know, but til then I will respect your space, Im going to take a shower" then she says "okay then Im gonna go ahead and leave" as Im walking to the shower I say without looking back "okay" she walks towards me for a hug and sees that I am not looking for one and walks off upset. My intention is not to upset her so I call her back give her a quick hug and kiss and tell her to drive safe.

 

You're right... don't upset her.... she can walk all over you...but don't upset her...

 

I feel sooo sorry for you... In fact I feel pity for you.

 

You say you will give her space...but she will manipulate you like a little muppet... she knows damn well that she's a lot stronger than you are... and she will use that to 'play' you soooo much.. it's insane.. almost hard to believe really....

 

 

 

This, exactly, is why I want him to read that book so badly. He will see how his behavior is pushing her away, not bringing her back.