will my wife ever come back to me

[confuzd]

Last night she called me crying, and kept saying how sorry she was for what she did, she said she never meant to hurt me. And that she was just so angry at me. She said that she just wants to be happy with herself. She doesn't know who she is anymore, and just more sorry's

 

I told her that it will take more than just words, and said she understood, but wanted me to know any ways.

 

I got off the phone and decided to call her back because I knew alot of the stuff she told me were not whole truth's.

 

So I called her and told her that I would never be able to accept her apology because she is still lying to me, and that her apology is insincere.

 

I then told her what I felt were lies, and after about an hour of pressing, I find that I was right on each instance. Where he works, where they met, how long she knew of him etc.

 

there were other things though that she did not confess to, and I am certain they are lies as well, and I will get the truth.

 

One was the way she said she broke it off with him, I called her monday to see if she wanted to talk and she very coldly said no (I think I wrote about this in my previous post some where) I called back later and the phone was disconnected.

 

I drive to her place and her car is not there, and she does not come home at all.

 

This was her excuse. First it was I went to my friends house because I knew you were gonna come over. That obviously didn't fly with me.

Second excuse, I called "him" and told him I needed to talk, I went over and told him that it was over, the conversation ran long and I just stayed over on the couch.

 

I do not believe this story, and will get the truth or there will never be any reconciliation.

 

I got off the phone telling her that I was not waiting around for her. She said what does that mean, and I told her "not to worry about it just worry about telling me the truth" then I hung up.

 

I am very cold right now, I don't want to be, but I'll be damned if she continues to be dishonest after pulling this crap. I need to get help for myself, because if deep down I do want to work it out with my wife I need to be able to move on. I am not ready to yet though it is going to take some work on her part.

 

I know what everyone is thinking, and I still think the same thing quite often. My wife is no good, she is scandalous, and manipulative.

 

This may be true, but I hate to beleive it. I know deep down under all this hurt, pain and confusion, the real woman is there. I just don't know if Im willing to dig and find her anymore. She has truly crushed me.

[Mike1966]

Hey confuzed,

 

Just wanted to tell you that I'm not saying you shouldn't forgive your wife. You should, or it will eat at you for an indefinite period of time. It's like being in a jail cell with that person but you are the one with the key to let them out, understand? At the same time, and I learned this from my best friends divorce about 3 years ago (she left then had an affair before divorced), true forgiveness in a situation like this is a process............something that will take time. Not something you can just say "I forgive you" then move on. Especially if you forgive then try to actually reconcile............that would take a huge amount of effort on both parts......accountability, honesty, counseling.

 

I'm certainly not telling you not to try to make it work. If she ultimately can't be trusted, or won't seek help for WHY she did what she did and get victory over it, it will be difficult for it to not happen in the future. You'll wonder about what thing you did to make her turn from you..............in reality the choice she made is one she NEVER should have made if she took your marriage commitment seriously, you know, the for better or worse. Men and Women who cheat never seem to get the "worse" part. Even though they might not "feel" right about there relationship, there's no excuse for going out and starting another one or just having an affair. The person who does this is just purely being selfish and considering no one else and the ripple effect affairs have on others and how far reaching the aftermath is.

 

Your story has been similar to mine in so many ways. If you've kept up with my thread, I knew my wife was friends with a guy from my church and i actually found them together, alone, in my wifes apartment last Friday night. Nothing happened (I was told), and I researched it as much as possible and guess I agree that it didn't , but, even so it was inappropriate on both parts (he agreed with me and apologized) and the setting is ripe for an eventual affair.

 

Anyway, when I saw your situation turn this way i felt so much for you, knowing it could turn out that way for me because there are no guarantees and this is something totally out of your (my) control. What you do have control of is your actions. I question myself and whether if my wife ended up having an affair with someone that I could forgive her................right now, assuming it stopped, she was truly sorry and saw that what she did was wrong, she wanted to (and did) seek help to get victory over HER problem and why she turned to another man rather than communicating with her husband about a problem and fixing it................at this point I would tell you that I could likely forgive my wife and move on. What we have together is very special, not to mention to wonderful kids.

 

In the end, as I said, it's your call. You have to get ALL the facts, decided how you feel about yourself and how you feel about her, and the potential for her to turn from her ways. Buddy, this is not your fault. I don't care even if you were not the most sensitive guy in the world or had other issues, your wife had ZERO right to do what she did. What she should have done was communicate any hurt or issue with the relationship, work it out, then move forward with you. if she felt you couldn't change like she needed you to, she should have at least had the respect for you and your son enough to just get a divorce.

 

Please keep me up to speed. I'm glad to hear you're going to start going to church. Make no mistake though, and I think you know this...........a church is just a building. The fellowship, support and teaching is great, however, real joy and healing comes from knowing Jesus as your savior and knowing that HE will see you through these times and provide peace and joy for you and your son. Often times in life we are told to look to other people or things to make us happy. Well, people will ultimately let you down and one time or another no matter who they are, even your family.............things will eventually be replaced, wear out, or lose their appeal. The only lasting peace, joy, happiness and contentment I've ever found has come through my relationship with God.

 

Keep me posted, my friend. I'll be lifting you and your family up in prayer!

[Mike1966]

Confuzed,

 

One other thing, my friend. Get counseling ASAP. Yes, maybe to understand your situation and take a look at yourself, but also in how to deal with the hand you've been dealt.

 

I would recommend a Christian counselor to you because any secular counselor while they may have good ideas, will just have a secular worldview. At least with a Christian counselor, there is a basis for their recommedations to you and it comes from the Bible. I'm sure there are many that may disagree with this advice but I'm telling you it is important.

 

This will help you whether or not you decide to attempt to reconcile with your wife.

 

Best of luck.

[Mike1966]

another comment,

 

I tried to edit my above post and can't.

 

I was trying to tell you that if my wife had an affair that assuming she took action to correct HER problem for choosing that path, assuming counseling and accountability/honesty............I believe that I could forgive her and try to rebuild our marriage. In the other thread i save forgive her and move on............not what I meant to say, actually very different.

[lysne]

As a BS, I agree: details aren't important, but total honesty is.

 

To me the most important question that needs to be answered here is whether she moved out in the first place because of this man. Since she's known him 3-4 months and you first posted this thread a little over a month ago, I'd bet yes.

 

Which means that this was a lot more serious than she will ever willingly admit. I think that's pretty well backed up by "I love you" texts, the fact that it was obviously not over as of the night she stayed there, and that you've already caught her in plenty of lies. Even with the small amount of evidence you have so far, I think there is good reason to believe that this was an affair that got emotional and sexual long ago.

 

But I think you probably know all that on some level already. I'm trying to forgive a cheater too, and I'd be the last to judge. But if she did in fact move out for the purpose of facilitating her affair, all the while stringing you along, then it does speak to the depth of the problems and what a very difficult road you have ahead of you toward reconciliation. And frankly, as long as she is playing victim, you don't have a chance. Because everything I ever said about taking full responsibility and proving yourself changed and committed now applies squarely to her. The ball is in her court.

[jmargel]

Honestly who would stay over at another's house when they are ending it? Like I said her immaturity is still showing. She's acting like a teenager. If you would have not checked her cell phone, this would still be going on. You would still be hanging onto every word she says or every text she wrote.

 

REFUSE to talk to her until she is ready to tell the truth. You shouldn't have to dig to find certain information and then finally for her to fill in the blanks. It should be her willing to answer every question truthfully if she wants this marriage to work.

 

Unfortunetly people change, sometimes for the worst. IMO from your posts that this affair was going on longer then she admits.

[Reckless]

hey confuzed, its Reckless,

 

I am very sorry to read where you are at and would like to point out a couple of things you should try and bear in mind.

 

One of the things that has impressed me about your thread is how you took a crash course on being a good husband and learnt in this period about communicating and validating your woman; these are valuable lessons that you should not forget. If you continue to appreciate the value they will be worth more than gold.

 

At one point you wrote about going to a movie with your family. Taking the time for that simple pleasure that you would never have done, paying your wife attention and enjoying the experience - as hurt and bitter as you feel you made a wonderful memory for your son and learnt about the bricks that build a happy marriage: don't forget this stuff.

 

As for your wife - as weird as this might sound, nothing much has really changed. Having read your thread and followed your progress it is clear that she is a confused woman without the depth to decide on her way. She was unhappy in her marriage and yet lacked the strength of character to take clear steps either in or out. Your taking the initiative to keep things progressing was good and ... here's the rubb IF you decide you can get over it, you can still rebuild your marriage following similar steps.

 

She is not someone that will be without attention for long, she is starved for affection and confuses attention with affection. This lover gave her attention and you gave her affection (while you were trying to win her back) and being somewhat short sighted she lapped that up until it all blew up. Now risking being without both she will turn to what is solid and sure in her life - YOU.

 

Whether you can get over it, realizing that is the kind of woman she is and if she has both affection and attention at all times will probably stay loyal but if one or the other diminish for any reason will leviate towards whatever warmth stops the panic, is up to you. I would say don't make any rash decisions, you may feel, quite justifiably that you are done but I think the affection you feel for her runs very deep and you may find you have the resources to forgive her.

 

If not, you are in for a bumpy ride but you will be a great husband next time around. If you do manage to get her into theorapy and think you can ever trust her again realise that as I said a long long time ago, both of you have to commit to rebuilding and do so 110%.

 

Again, sorry you are in so much pain, when the fog clears you will see what is best to do, in the meantime, don't dispair or vilianisz your sons mother to him or loose your sense of worth and direction.

 

Peace,

Reckless

[confuzd]

thanks for all the replies,

 

One thing that is eating at me is whether it is truly over, I personally don't believe the whole sleeping on his couch the night she ended it story.

 

I kind of feel like she is trying to protect him, she didn't want to tell me where he worked. In the military this is a pretty big deal and I could fry him. She did eventually tell me though.

 

She says it is over, but then again she lied about whether it ever happened.

 

Im not sure if I believe it just stopped so abruptly, the day before I found out.

 

should I press the issue?

[Cobra_X30]

If you press it, do it for you and nobody else.

 

My vote... Press the Issue! You've been strung along and hurt so bad... call it Karma.

[Mike1966]

If you're ever considering forgiving her and any attempt whatsoever at reconciliation, you don't want to move on without having made every possible attempt to gain the truth, IMO.

 

It's still fresh, I wouldn't hesitate pinpointing her again, several times. It sounds like she wasn't completely honest about the details with you anyway and she needs to be if your relationshp is ever going to have any type of foundation that can withstand shockers like this.

 

Yes.......the whole sleeping on the couch thing that night sounds like pure B.S.

 

If you have any chance to try and forgive/reconcile, she is going to have to be accountable to you in every way. IMO, this means no private email, you can look through her cell phone anytime you want, you get the bill so you can see all numbers incoming/outgoing............that's the only way.

 

So what does she say about the two of you now that she's been discovered?? Still unsure?? Want to work it out?? IMO..........in my current situation, if I ever find out my wife is having or has had and affair and is not ready for some immediate counseling and to stop being separated and try to start implementing some damage control, I think I wouldn't have much choice but to let her go and start to move on.

[Travis L]

If you have any chance to try and forgive/reconcile, she is going to have to be accountable to you in every way. IMO, this means no private email, you can look through her cell phone anytime you want, you get the bill so you can see all numbers incoming/outgoing............that's the only way.

 

My ex slept with someone when we were separated last year. I did exactly what you wrote about. NOT GOOD!! It became a sort of obsession in trying to find her cheating on me. Phone records, checking the actual phone, etc... She left because of the constant questioning, jealousy, controlling, etc... Now I'm back to not having her...

 

If you are going to reconcile you are going to HAVE to put this behind you. Obviously its fresh in your head right now so it will seem impossible. Only when you are sure that she will not relapse will you be able to get back together. If you never get to that point, cut your losses. If you are going to check phone records, not trust her, etc...you might as well cut your losses now and start with someone new as she will leave eventually from the lack of trust...happened to me 2 months ago.

 

Even though she deserves to feel like she is under your thumb...it's going to do nothing but drive her away again. No one wants to feel controlled or watched. If you want to reconcile: Show you love her, show you trust her (when you do), show her that your relationship is what matters. PERIOD!

 

You deserve to know the complete truth...but what is it going to do for you? How is knowing what happened going to make it any better? It will drive you insane if you she tells you she was with him while still living with you. You will never believe her if she says that she wasn't seeing him while you two were together. You will only know as much as she wants to tell you. Stop pushing her if you both want to reconcile. Some will say that you must know everything...I say decide what is most important to you: curiosity or your marriage.

 

I only have a Bachelors in Psychology (UofMich, Go Blue!) so I'm no expert. BUT, I've been down this road and I had to learn the hard way... Obviously, go see a therapist (IC and MC).

 

I may get a lashing for this post but I can only put out there what has and hasn't worked for me...

[Citizen Erased]

Okay so I just read this thread all the way through. My heart really goes out to you confuzd.

 

If everyone fought for their relationship with the patience and perseverance that you did we would have alot less divorce and separation in the world. It's a shame your wife threw it back in your face, but in the end she has lost her family for a few thrills and she will regret it the rest of her life.

 

Just look after yourself and your son, cut down on the contact with her, but if you do end up working on your marriage know you still have support here, some of us won't judge anyway lol

[confuzd]

who thinks it would be a good idea to let my wife read this blog. I want her to know how I really feel and what has been going through my mind. I want her to know how much I really love and loved her.

 

what do you think.

 

What would happen if I did?

[lysne]

I'm for it. What better opportunity to lay it all out there, and try to get to the bottom of this mess together. Let her experience everything through your eyes. What a privilege for your wife, really, to have an incontrovertible record of your true feelings right there in black and white pixels. And what a burden too, once she fully understands what she has done.

 

The only disadvantage for you would be that you would lose this place as a private sounding board in the future. And of course, we will lose the daily update - you would have to promise to return eventually and let us know the final outcome.

[Citizen Erased]

If you are willing to give up LS. Coz LS is addictive, especially for people if they know they are being written about

[confuzd]

I may just hold off for now, but what reaction do you think I will get, do you think that something I said may upset her. I know many are thinking who cares.

 

 

I have sent her this email, I would also like some feedback on this as well.

 

ConXXXXX,

 

I know you probably think, I am a crazy psycho and that I am a vindictive person. I would never hurt you. I am dying inside right now from the hurt I feel, still I will not hurt you.

 

You may still be in love with another man, and there is nothing I can do about that. I want you to know that you are my best friend, I love you to death and always have. I will find it in my heart to forgive you for this. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the hurt I caused you.

 

It is not your fault for the way I treated you, and I believe it is not my fault for what you have done to me. We all make our own choices and Im sorry for the ones I have made. I will never do those things again, whether you will do this to me again or whether you still are doing it now does not even matter anymore

 

You said you don't know what love is, well I do.

 

I love you, and I know how to show you, thanks to an angel opening my eyes.

 

I can't stop loving you, and if you don't believe me by now , or won't let yourself believe me, then I am at a loss

 

If you believe that you are getting love from someone else that is more real and unconditional than mine, then I guess I have to be happy for you. I am sure he is saying all the right things and making you feel great I hope it lasts, because you deserve it

 

The sight of your face melts my soul, and your smile brightens my world. The closeness I feel with you when we are together as a family is engraved in my heart

 

I am sorry for taking advantage of that feeling for so long.

 

I will be meeting with my first Seargant today, and I will tell him not to do anything.

 

I don't know if you are protecting another man, in order to save your relationship with him, but I guess it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I love you and I wish you could see that

 

The passion we share, even when it's when we are arguing, is undeniable. I would never get that frustrated and hurt over someone I didn't love. I'm not sure if you would or not but I don't think so, I could be wrong.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this email

 

You probably think this is an attempt to manipulate you, or an attempt to chase you. It is neither of those. This is an expression of my feelings that you need to understand before you move on with your life

 

Take care, I love you

 

Your Husband, Your friend, Your soul mate

JeXXX

 

 

 

I will not follow this email up with texts and phone calls, I just want my wife to know how I feel from the bottom of my heart, before she decides to move on or not.

 

I really can't stop loving this woman, I feel so weak, I don't know what is wrong with me. I have been asking god for strength to make it through this. Any ways any comments on my two questions would be nice.

 

Thanks for all your advice thus far

[Cobra_X30]

I would be suprised if she bothered to read it. Meaning this web log.

[lysne]

Jesus, Confuzd, you broke my heart. Really.

 

I think that for you it was the right thing to do - one final, candid expression of your feelings.

 

And now you have to let go completely. It's up to her from this point forward. She must decide if she is going to check back into your marriage and be a full partner, or not.

 

If she isn't moved to pieces by your total selflessness, then she doesn't love you. Sorry. You will find out.

 

Let her come to you and decide whether she's ready to stand with you and start down the long road of putting the pieces back together again. That's all you can do now.

 

 

I may just hold off for now, but what reaction do you think I will get, do you think that something I said may upset her.

 

I honestly don't know, Confuzd. We don't have a lot of details about your wife's state of mind, motives, or intentions right now. I think if you have reservations about it, then don't do it. Just follow your gut or wait to see if/when there is an appropriate time.

 

However, if you don't think is finished with the other guy, absolutely don't show her. Only when she is fully committed to your marriage should you consider it. It won't win her back; it can only show her the "real" you, uncensored, if and when she's ready to do the emotional work to rebuild.

[Topper]

cufuzd, stop being a wimp. She has demonstrated to you that your mean very little to her. her tears are for herself and being caught. you need to be the man here and stop being her little toy that she takes pleasure in emotionally beating into the ground. you next contact with her should be from your Lawyer. You have given her every opportunity to seek help and work on your marriage. What has she done for you? She has S*it all over your marriage and you. Isn't this the 2nd time she has cheated and blamed you? Wake up. she wants to be the victim here. When clearly it is you. your the one suffering. you suffer while she is F*cking some other guy. I bet she will even tell you she didn't have an orgasm with the guy.

Your problem is you are to nice of a guy. but even nice guys have limit and you have exceeded the nice guy limit and you are now into the pussywhiped zone. I'm being harsh but i can't stand seeing a guy making such a fool of himself for a piece of trash that happens to be your wife.

let me ask you this? would you like to see your son treated this way? Would you allow someone to emotionally abuse him as she is doing to you?

get yourself into counseling. go out and start dating. Meet some girl that will love you. I know you love your wife. but she has demonstrated time and again she does not love you, she does not respect you, she only cares for herself. The sooner you cut her off the better it will be for you and your kid.

I am harsh here but you need someone to verbally smack you in the head.

Many years ago my best friend a guy who I was closer to then my own brother married a tramp. He held on to that slut way to long. We Kidnapped Bill one evening and had our own Little intervention with him. he was in so much pain he was rolling on the floor in tears. this is a guy that is over 6 foot and a construction worker. not what you would call a wimp. yet his wife had this tough guy on his knees and she loved ever min of it. It took Bill a long weekend to come to terms with how far he had let himself be taken down.

Hope you can read this. it is just my version of tough love

[CaliGuy]

Lol you talk just like a buddy of mine, He doesn't beleive a word she says anymore. I didn't get a chance to look at the times of the text's I was in shock at the pictures, and my mind went into a state of bewilderment.

 

It was just one guy, and the relationship lasted three weeks of being intimate but about 3-4 months of getting to know each other. She says she had to stop it because she was feeling terrible, and it was eating away at her. She said her whole focus now is what it should've been which is on our son. I want to believe her.

 

She said the love stuff, was meaningless and just the thing to say. Doesn't make me feel much better.

 

 

It she ened it that day, where was she when her car was parked at the gym and she never came home that night?

 

She's not telling the truth.

[confuzd]

All I can say is it will be over when I say its over,in the mean time I appreciate all comments, I am not at all offended.

 

well, A can of worms has been opened

 

Like I said before she went to her first seargant to after I found the phone and texted her "friend".

 

A First Seargeant is a person who is assigned to each career field with in the military, to oversee the well being of the troops both in their personal and professional life.

 

So she told her first Sgt that i went in her car and was calling her friends, and stuff.

 

She later explained that she did this because she felt violated and had always told me that this was a problem for her.

 

Yeah I know what your all thinking, im thinking the same thing.

 

so her First Sgt contacts my First Sgt and i get caught in a situation where I have to protect myself.

 

My supervisor contacts me and tells me that the 1st Sgt called him and said I broke in my wifes car and was calling people from her phone.

 

I was pissed, She cheated on me then is going to go and do this. So I told him the whole story. He asked If I had proof and I said that I found enough proof on her phone.

 

He said that I was going to have to meet with the 1st Sgt to explain to him what is going on.

 

I did not want everyone in my business but I was thrown into it.

 

I'll try to shorten this up.

 

I tell My 1st Sgt what happened and then he contacts her 1st sgt. I told them that I did not want any of this to happen and that I wanted to squash it. I was not trying to get my wife into trouble. He was obligated to call, and my supervisor advised it as well. The man she was sleeping with is a military cop, so they thought it was a security threat since he carries a gun.

 

so now her 1st Sgt know the real story, and her Chief (chief is the highest ranking enlisted person within the squadron)

 

Her 1sgt wants to see the pics and the texts, so I have to give them up.

 

Next thing I know I am in a meeting with My 1sgt , her 1sgt, her chief, and the chief of the cop squadron. They are trying to find this guy, and he will more than likely get in trouble, I could careless about him.

 

Her chief informs me that my wife has expressed that she no longer wants to be married and is seeing a lawyer on the fifteenth. I told him that this is all news to me.

 

so after our meeting I call my wife and I ask why she didn't tell me she was getting a divorce, she says she wasnt and that it just came about after I did what I did.

 

Yeah I know she's trying to put the blame on me.

 

I asked if she was going to see the lawyer and she said she did not feel like talking right now.

 

She was not aware of the details of the meeting at this point, and did not know that her people knew the truth.

 

so she asked what was said, and I told her that I would be happy to share the details, but she needed to be honest with me and tell me what her intentions where.

 

She was still in the mindset that she was going to be the victim, and was still placing blame on me for her actions.

 

so I begin to tell her what went down, through out this process she tries to say that I was trying to hurt her, but I would not accept that.

 

I was adamant that I did not want her to be hurt, or in trouble. It would not do me anygood for my son's mother to get kicked out of the military.

 

She finally calmed down, and realized that I was not trying to hurt her.

 

She called me back that night and I stayed on the phone with her pretty much all night. She was very stressed and needed some one to talk to.

 

In the beginning I asked why she was calling me and not her new man. She said he is not her man and that I cant seem to understand that.

 

so she also tells me that it is over and the reason it is over is because they both couldn't handle the guilt. She said there were many occasions where he would cry, because he thought he was hurting her son.

 

I thought bull****

 

She said it came to a point to where they were just like "what are we doing, this can't keep going on"

 

I told her from a mans point of view that he is full of ****.

 

He doesnt care about our son, or whether he hurts him, if he did he wouldn't have been ****ing you

 

what really happened is he had is fun, and no longer wants to deal with the drama, He may like you but he knows there is no future, nor did he want one

 

I told her that men are very good and doing and saying the right things, especially when its not there woman, and they don't have to deal with real life issues.

 

She said I may be right.

 

so I then asked, if the reason she broke it off was guilt and not because she didnt love him.

 

And she said no she didn't love him, and it just had to end.

 

I didn't question her anymore that night, We both calmed down, and I just kind of kept her company.

 

she is worried about what will happen today when she has to meet with her chief and 1st sgt. I think everything will be fine as far as her career is concerned.

 

as far as me and her that is still to be determined.

[confuzd]

I forgot to add that , she did break down and cry and said that she deserves everything that she gets. She said that this was all her fault. She was saying how she was just tired of being hurt, and can't take anymore hurt.

 

I told her that I was afraid that she would end up in an endless cycle being addicted to what she thinks love is.

 

I explained to her that love is not the butterflies you get when you meet a new person, and are getting all this new attention. I told her that if that is what you are after you are going to have a very unhappy life going from man to man. Because those feelings fade, and you will be search for it elsewhere.

 

I think that is a good step that she is taking responsibility.

[jmargel]

Good that all of this stuff went to the sgts, but now she is trying to save her own ass and is going to say the things that you want to hear. She did not quit this affair, the only reason why it's ending is because you caught her. I still don't think she is being truthful. You are being way too nice in this. Get some confidence and show some tough love.

 

When you continue to tolerate this disrespect, that is what you can expect in the future.

 

GET PISSED OFF MAN! This guy ****ed your wife! Staying on the phone all night with her? Screw that.. I would have thrown all her clothes out on the street by now. And STOP being her psychologist! Being a husband and a couselor at the same time doesn't work.

[Reckless]

It is hard to read your thread confuzd. A good guy being tortured. The worst of it is your wife is not deliberately doing anything, all along she has repeated and repeated "I don't know" and that is exactly the point - your wife doesn't have ANY ability to know what she wants or what to do.

 

She sleeps with this guy because he was there, giving her attention. Like a child she was lost and confused, so she does it.

 

You break your back trying to win her back - she is confused, but like a child she likes it so she goes with it.

 

She gets found out, and it all turns pearshaped, she is confused and like a child she gets upset.

 

She blurts to her superior - she's emotional and not thinking things through, she is confused like a child, tries to blame you for what she has done.

 

She has to see her superiors she's stressed so she turns to... well the guy she "left", her husband (who she has recently sold down the river ... and told her superior she's divorcing asap) but she was .. confused...

 

If you were to ask her a million times, "what do you want?" she will be... confused and say "she doesn't know". Like. A. Child.

 

 

This is not a critique of you or her, just a statement of fact. You love her and if you can get over what she has done, get back on the saddle, not wait for her to sort herself out but continue the program of listening to her, soothing her, romancing her - all the while making sure that noone else comes along in the interim - then you have a good chance of getting her back.

 

I do not in any way want to add to your pain but here is what will happen.

 

You will continue to listen and sooth her. She will end it with her lover (or rather he will end it because of the hassle). She will be lonely sad and confused. There's your opening.

 

What should you do? That's up to you B U T ... remember:

 

if you want to rebuild I would heed an earlier post and NOT press for details about the affair that will eat away at you and torture you until you cannot stand it. She is not someone that looks another person in the eye and tells the whole truth even if it is painful. This is more than she is capable of, do not expect what she cannot give.

 

 

If you turn this into the "find out specific details of when, where, how, how often..." you will not like what you eventually pull from her and you will never believe you have extracted the whole truth anyway.

 

Two more things I would like to say -

 

Don't share loveshack until you have a CLEAR COMMITTMENT to rebuild your marriage from her - demonstrated by a specific period of MC both individual and joint (and of course no contact with her lover). If she doesn't know by now how you feel about her and if she is so shallow as not to see how much she has hurt you and how hard you have worked over the past few months then its not a little reading that will do it for her.

 

The second thing I would say is repeating something I said way earlier... she has had enough time now, she can even compare your 'techniques' to another man: do not romance her until you have a clear commitment from her to rebuild. As long as she is saying "I don't know" then I would try and remember where "I don't knows got you?" - sitting in a car looking at pictures of your wifes lover...

 

I'm sorry and I repeat I am not condemning you for trying to save your marriage I think it is truly admirable but I have always been very uncomfortable with your wifes lack of committment and would hate to see you go round two only to recieve papers for divorce because she never really decided to give your marriage a second go.

 

You spent the night comforting her - is she still going to file for divorce? you don't know. Will you get papers in the post tomorror? You don't know. Time for her to "know" and then you can both move on. Now is the time to get on the same page before you continue to send her love letters and propose back rubbs anything less is a recipe for disaster...

 

Forgive my forthrightness, you know my style by now...

 

Be strong,

R

[Topper]

Ok think of this. you spent the night comforting her,where is your comfort coming from?

It is like this Your a condemned man in jail wrongly accused of a crime. Your executioner comes in and spends the night telling how much it will hurt him to chop off your head. That's right you should feel bad for him he is the one that will really be hurt by all this. Thats right it's all your fault that he is hurting. Pity the poor executioner.