will my wife ever come back to me

[confuzd]

Yes I know your style reckless, and I appreciate it.

 

My wife called me today to tell me what happened with her meeting with the Chief. Well her chief basically is protecting her and I have no problem with that at all.

 

He told her that he is not going to ask any questions because if she answered he would have no choice to press charges. He then began to counsel her on life issues.

 

He made some great points to her.

 

He said that he met with me and he told her that I was attractive, well spoken, I carried myself well and would have not problems moving on from this. He also told her of my sincere desire to save my family. She said she began crying.

 

He told her that if she were seeing another man, that she should end it because if they did ever get together it would not last.

 

He told her that he is on his third marriage and that he neglected his first wife very badly, and that most men don't have the knowledge to give their woman want they need

 

He says that now on his third marriage his wife will never have to sit and watch a movie by herself, and that he will never have to be told to take out the trash. He told her that he makes a conscience effort to do these things but that they come with experience.

 

On another note he said that, the 1sgt is obligated to investigate this further. The 1sgt is not in the Chiefs chain of command therefore does not report to the chief but rather directly to the commander.

 

so the issue is not dead yet, He is still looking for the guy, I don't know what will happen with that.

 

Anyways I told the wife that I agreed and that It does take time to learn the mistakes. I said you have gone through this a few times where you were not treated right and when you left the men changed. I said I have learned alot and have made alot of changes that will carry with me whether we are together or not.

 

I asked her what she was planning on doing now. She said that she thinks she should just wait out the rest of the lease, so we can work on ourselves and see what happens.

 

I told her that was exactly what I was thinking, I told her that I hope she didn't think I was going to let her move back in (kind of jokingly) I said if we got together now we would be divorced in a month for sure.

 

I told her we need to rebuild, I said our marriage can not be based off of a peice of paper and our son.

 

I told her that it needs to have deeper roots and a foundation, of spirituality, friendship, trust, respect, and commitment.

 

She said that that is what she had been trying to tell me our whole marriage (she has) I agreed.

 

She expressed a fear that if we did get back together, and she totally forgave me that she is scared I would hold onto the anger for what she did and would use it against her. she said If I did I would be justified, but it scared her nonetheless.

 

I told her that if we do ever get back together, it is going to take some work and rebuilding. I said that If I were to think back to these times in my life I would not let it make me angry and want to go and cheat, rather it would make me remember the hurt, emptiness, and grief that I am feeling. It would forever be a reminder to take care of business at home with the diligence that I put towards my career and hobbies. It would forever be a reminder that your complaints should be taken seriously, and not disregarded as simply nagging.

 

UPDATE:

as I was writing this post my wife just called me, that hasn't happened for a while. We just talked about her day and she asked me what I was doing tonight, I told her that I might hang out with a friend. she kind of just said "oh". then I told her that I didn't have any other invitations. She then said well that's why i was calling you. I asked her oh really whats the invitation, and she said I was wondering if you just wanted to hang out. but she said that there was no pressure, I said that I would love to kind of playfully.

 

Well thats it for now, I have taken a beating through all this, but am a fighter. you call me what you want, but all that matters is what I think of myself.

 

Til next time.

[Topper]

She is playing you like $500.00 Violin. She knows just how to manipulate you. Right now I will bet a $100.00 That once all this blows over and she is in good graces with her commanders again. You will be right back to square one crying your eyes out and wondering why she did whatever she is going to do to you next. Once again she has made this your fault and it will be your not letting go that will hurt the marriage. she is even now projecting the blame for future use. This woman has not come to terms with herself. She will keep abusing you as long as you are will to let her do what she is doing.

Untill she comes to terms with working on the marriage with a professional and starts treating you with respect your still spinning your wheels.

[Dazed1]

Hiya Confuzed.

 

you don't know me from Adam. I can only say that I was once a daily poster, turned long-time lurker to LS.

 

I will apologize now as I did not have time to read the entire thread (it is a long one), but i read the first few and last few pages.

 

Here's what I read from you: You are a fairly well grounded, sincere man who has been forced to look at and know himself. You are also addicted to the woman you married and is screwing you nine ways to Sunday while not even screwing you! But.... you are in love with her, and you are trying desperately to hang on and "win" her back.

 

So now take a breath. A big one. And one more. Now.... using all that strength of conviction I have seen you exhibit, look within yourself. look deep.

 

Here's the $10,000 question: If you somehow manage to gain back your wife, will you be able to be comfortable in your marriage? Or will you be waiting for the other shoe to fall? Forever.

 

Here's what I get from the accounts of your wife: "I don't know" means "I want it to be over, but I want you to leave a light on for me just in case." She plays a great damsel in distress, i gotta admit.

 

She is miserable in her own skin, because she was never taught about love, sacrifice, comittment, and devotion. She doesn't have it in her to truly understand that her actions affect others, for good or ill. She desperately needs help or as you say, she is headed for any number of short lived fantasies with many different men.

 

And you, as with most men in the military; want to be the "knight in Shining Armor" (this is not a bad thing, it makes you uniquely qualified to protect this country).. you figure if you just do this exactly right, or you can make that little change..... then all can be well. you can change you, but you can never change her. She has to change herself.

 

Now take another couple of cleansing breaths and muster up your strength again. Take a look at your wife. Look past your emotions and see her in your most analytical light. Is she even capable of being your wife? Can she be the person you lean on for support in bad times? Do you trust that by some magical means that she will give up all the conniving and betrayal and be your wife from here on out?

 

I know you are trying to do the right thing by your son, and I admire that.

 

I was there man. I hung on for three years. My stbxw is a fine lady, and i really like her. But I cannot be married to her any longer.

 

That was my decision to hang in, as it may be yours as well.

 

I have a tendency to jump on a high horse and lecture, but I hope that you can find some help in the experience that I have hard earned.

 

At the end of the day it's about what you are willing to live with.

 

-Dazed

[confuzd]

thanks for the replies, and yes your are right dazed at the end of the day it is about what I am capable of living with. I will never be able to move on if I ended it on my own, I will always wonder what if I fought a little harder.

 

Well, she came over to my place and we had a good time, we watched some movies, we actually kissed a couple of times very passionately. As the night winded down, I asked her what she wanted.

 

She said that she did not know, (I know what a surprise) I asked her if she loved me and she said yes, I asked her if she was in love with me and she thought for a minute and said yes I am still In love with you, it is just more complicated than that.

 

I asked what she was deciding between, She said that she wants us to be together but is afraid that I will hurt her again and turn back to the old me. she said she is deathly afraid of being made a fool of right now.

 

I said I am not asking you back, but just for you decide that we are going to work on us, that is the only way you will ever find out.

 

I told her that I can't wait around for her to make up her mind anymore, and that we can't hang out like this if we are just doing this for nothing.

 

I told her she was trying to decide what she wanted with out me and not with me.

 

She said she is not trying to decide between another man but just whether she can put herself in that position again to be made a fool of by me.

 

I told her that if by now she can not see my sincerity then I don't know what to do. I am not asking you to come back just to choose a direction that we can work towards.

 

she said I can not give you any answers tonight, so I said "okay, i hope you don't think I am being mean, but you have to understand where I am coming from,I can not wait around for you any more I have already done that once"

 

she said she understands. before she left she stood waiting for a hug which I did not give her,I remained on the couch.

 

before she walked out the door I said "can you do me a favor, when you are ready to start moving forward with us let me know and I will then make you the happiest woman in the world"

 

She said okay.

 

she then asked what time I wanted her to drop off our son to my house, I asked if she was going to church with us and she said she will let me know.

 

Well, It's been a while since I kissed her, but I honestly have to stop, until she is ready to at least state that she would like to take some actions to move towards a future that includes us together.

 

I have some other things that can preoccupy me in the meantime.

[Cobra_X30]

thanks for the replies, and yes your are right dazed at the end of the day it is about what I am capable of living with. I will never be able to move on if I ended it on my own, I will always wonder what if I fought a little harder.

 

The question is not "what if you fought a little harder?" the question is "what if you win her back?" What happens after that?

 

she said she is deathly afraid of being made a fool of right now.

 

Confuzd, I hope you sense the irony in this statement.

 

Also, if you listen to no-one else on this board, please listen to Dazed. If you like I can dig up the old thread and post it here for you to read. It may help validate some of your feelings.

[confuzd]

Today was an okay day just feeling kind of down, but okay.

 

My wife called at 830 this morning, just to talk. I talked for a little while but then got off the phone. For some reason she has been wanting to spend time on the phone with me lately, maybe because she has our son, and she doesnt want to talk to "him" in front of our son, so she calls me.

 

She says she doesn't talk to him anymore, but who knows, I believed her before and look where it got me.

 

She is still very stressed about what is going to come of the whole job situation. And the investigation the 1sgt is doing.

 

I asked her a couple of key questions, I told her that it was unfair that when I tell her something that she scrutinizes, analyzes, and has a hard time accepting my words as truths.

 

Yet some other Yahoo can come along and she will believe every word he says. I explained that I understand that its probably because you don't want to believe me but do want to beleive another man.

 

She said that my whole point was not true.

 

I told her that I know that when women are getting attention (which they confuse with love) they could careless if it is sincere or not, they don't care if he is telling 50 other women the same thing, they just like enjoying it for the moment

 

She said that is very true, she said she was hearing all the things she wanted to hear from me for so long.

 

I then asked why she was so scared of being made a fool of by me if she gave us another chance, but wasnt worried about being made a fool of by someone else.

 

She said because noone else has her heart, so it didn't matter what happened, she just enjoyed the attention.

 

I guess that makes sense.

 

Anyways, we didnt talk too much, but she did call a couple of times just to spend time on the phone with me, I get my son tomorrow so we'll see if the phone calls keep coming or if she will redirect her attention.

 

I'm about to go out with a friend and felt the need to get some of my feelings off before I left. I love this forum for that reason.

 

I texted her an hour ago, I said that "the hug you gave me yesterday was the best feeling I have had in a while" she texted back, "I'm glad because I meant it", so I texted "it makes me wish I would've spent more time snuggling with you when you would take your afternoon naps" and she texted back "really" so my last text of the night was "dont ask that anymore, every thing I say and feel is real"

 

Oh well Im about to go out and have a good time.

 

Take care.

[whichwayisup]

She doubts herself and mistrusts herself and that is why she probably is second guessing you and what you say.

 

Hope you're having fun (and well needed!) evening out.

[Reckless]

First bravo for the conversation... you did good.

 

I was trying to analyse clearly, why you need to step back to push her into a decison, what's so wrong with snuggling and backrubbing and telephone chatting for the next six months?

 

Firstly, your sanity. You will become so sexually frustrated that the chances are either you will have sex and thoroughly muddy the waters (restarting the full on relationship without having resolved any issues) or ... explode.

 

More importantly, why does she need to make a decision to give the recovery effort 100%? Because it is a sign of trust - it says, sure, I'm not sure about this "new" husband he promises to be, but I will trust what I have seen and the good heart I believe is in him and take a gamble to commit to trying - if it fails, so be it.

 

But why the "pause"? why the pull back?

 

This is the most important thing I think. She is the type of woman that does things in reaction of emotion, fear anger, need... she doesn't so much make a decision so much as react to what has happened to her. If she doesn't MAKE the decision to trust and work then she will re-enter the marriage as she left, on a wave of hurt/fear/need/ and you risk her being unsteady in the future.

 

Also, a little time to reflect would help your recovery because quite frankly, she has not connected to what she has done. She feels bad, sure, but her comment about fearing you "make a fool of her" reflects how truly little she has reflected on her actions. Why should she? because to recover you BOTH have to recognise what part you both played, not just in the adultery but before, and although you can't arrive before you start, she is the type of person I feel that doesn't come to introspective reflection easily. She needs the time.

 

She need the time also so learn to "hear the silence". That sounds airy-fairy but what I mean is, she hasn't paused between lovers/husband; I don't know when she broke it off with her lover, but seems to me she was pretty much in there full on kissing you during and immediately after; there has been no period so far when it was just her, alone.

 

Why does she need that even if its just a few weeks? Because she (forgive my bluntness) sleeps with men that give her attention when no one is paying her any.

 

Why is that a problem? After all you are vowed to pay attention to her in future. Yes, but firstly, no marriage can guarantee you will never be absent or distant EVER. You will do better, much better, but sickness, depression, the death of a loved one, life sometimes mean we cannot be all things to our partners at all times, during those periods, YOU need to know she can be 'alone' or rather sustain herself on faith in your union for a short time. SHE needs to learn, maybe for the first time, what it means to stand on her own feet.

 

What could happen during those weeks (I say weeks I reckon neither one of you would last days really...)? The one real danger is that the (or another) man enters into the picture. So why take the risk, she has admitted she "needs male attention" and if you don't give it to her, someone is bound to turn up to fill the void?

 

Because, and this is important, if she only chooses to be with you because she cannot stand to be alone or because she hasn't been given the time or opportunity to meet someone else, then BOTH you and she are re-building on shaky ground.

 

Why is any of this important if she comes back? Because any issues that are not DEALT with prior and during re-building will resurge.

 

You are a military man, discipline is your forté (your restraint is nothing short of breathtaking) and as a military man I think although it has advantages it has some disadvantages for you too.

 

You are definitely the "white knight" kind of guy I think you wife's personality 'suites' you, she is someone that really needs to lean and you (like all men) like to be leaned on (NOT a critisism, its our natures speaking)

 

B U T you have both taken it to extreme, you took control to the extent you were oppressive and ignored her needs she leant so much she lost the ability to know what she wants. So now you both have to fight against your natures just until you get a couple of things sorted, you have to see her 'needing' you and say "not until you commit to trying to rebuild" she has to need "someone" and decide you are going to be the one (and only).

 

You both have to get to the point you trust the other won't abuse your basic natures. I will stand by my original posts that you need to step back and bear to see her struggle and come to the decision.

[confuzd]

Thanks alot reckless,

 

really good advice,

 

My wife has had two affairs in our marriage, I look back and I see very clearly what led to them. they were both in the past two years

 

before this point she did everything she could to save our marriage and I didn't even try. She is worn out and I can't fault her

 

I have buddies that are doing the same things I did.

 

I am able to look at their actions with more knowledge, I would not be surprised if their wives eventually cheat on them or if they already have. Looking at the way they treat them, and the things they say and do. I would not blame them if they did.

 

I did the same thing and therefore I will take my responsibility in doing my part in helping my wife feel justified in her actions.

 

I guess I have to wait for the 15th to see if she is still going to see an attorney.

 

I will try my best to back off.

 

As I said on Mike1966's post I am not waiting around on her, (in the sense that I will no longer put my life on hold)

 

I love my wife to death, we have had alot of problems, they were obviously more serious to her that I could've imagined.

 

My love still does not fade, and she still has a tight grip on my heart.

 

You have described my wife very well reckless. However she is also the woman that if she is being treated right she will be the most faithful, loyal woman in the world, she will not even look twice at another man, and will do everything she can to please the man she is with.

 

This is the way she was up until about two years ago. I hope I haven't lost that woman for good

[lysne]

Well that sheds some light on things. Confuzd, do you regret your response to your wife's first affair?

 

I ask, because I have been puzzling over the seeming disconnects in this whole story on the part of both of you, and also wondering (in the aftermath of this second affair) why it is that you clearly failed to work through so many issues the first time around. Usually the revelation of an affair is enough to wake both people up to what's happening in their relationship and do a lot of soul-searching. But it seems that maybe you just didn't receive the 'message' that your wife was giving to you the first time. Did you never really re-evaluate yourself or your role in the marriage?

 

That would explain your wife's reticence now - if you didn't change at all after the first go around, why would you do so now. She's been a tough nut to crack, in terms of accepting the amount of emotional investment you've put into her all these weeks, but I suppose that under those circumstances it's understandable. It also explains why she keeps saying she doesn't want to be made a 'fool' of; it seems to indicate that she feels she is experiencing the same set of circumstances a second time, and doubts the decision she made the first time.

 

Who can say what will happen, Confuzd, but whatever brought you to this point, I believe you will come out on the other side a better man for it. Some (and I really do empathize) seem to have emerged from the batterings of their love relationships quite lost, with capacities for intimate self-exposure and real human connection quite damaged. Others seem to come out self-awakened, and you are one of them. If your wife chooses you, you will have the chance to transform your relationship having transformed yourself. Sometimes you have to lose everything to know what you really have.

[Woggle]

Why are you blaming yourself for her cheating. With the way you are pouring your heart out on here if she can't learn to appreciate you she never will. I hate when men hand over their dignity like you are.

[confuzd]

Well that sheds some light on things. Confuzd, do you regret your response to your wife's first affair?

 

Yes I do Lysne, After the first affair, I knew what I did wrong and i will give one example just so you can understand. I am a very ambitious person, I own several homes and am always striving for more. I was involved in business that required me to go Las Vegas for a convention. At the time we were in the process of changing assignments in the Air Force, and the movers had taken all the furniture. I went to vegas anyways while my wife and son stayed home in an empty house, and slept on an air matress, even though my wife begged me not to go. I felt I needed to and that I was doing it for both of us. She said that was the final straw for her and is when her heart went cold for me. Thinking back it makes me cringe that I put this business before my family, even though I thought she would appreciate it in the end.

 

So after she had her first affair, I felt betrayed, I learned a lesson somewhat but was more in the mindframe of I am now justified to do what I want. You cheated on me you should be begging me back.

 

So to answer your question, No I didn't fully learn my lesson, and I understand why she is so scared to come back.

 

I ask, because I have been puzzling over the seeming disconnects in this whole story on the part of both of you, and also wondering (in the aftermath of this second affair) why it is that you clearly failed to work through so many issues the first time around. Usually the revelation of an affair is enough to wake both people up to what's happening in their relationship and do a lot of soul-searching. But it seems that maybe you just didn't receive the 'message' that your wife was giving to you the first time. Did you never really re-evaluate yourself or your role in the marriage?

 

No I guess I didn't

 

That would explain your wife's reticence now - if you didn't change at all after the first go around, why would you do so now. She's been a tough nut to crack, in terms of accepting the amount of emotional investment you've put into her all these weeks, but I suppose that under those circumstances it's understandable. It also explains why she keeps saying she doesn't want to be made a 'fool' of; it seems to indicate that she feels she is experiencing the same set of circumstances a second time, and doubts the decision she made the first time.

 

Yes that is exactly what she is feeling, all I can say is that now I have finally learned. I have to forgive, and change, I can not throw this in her face like I did the first time.

 

Who can say what will happen, Confuzd, but whatever brought you to this point, I believe you will come out on the other side a better man for it. Some (and I really do empathize) seem to have emerged from the batterings of their love relationships quite lost, with capacities for intimate self-exposure and real human connection quite damaged. Others seem to come out self-awakened, and you are one of them. If your wife chooses you, you will have the chance to transform your relationship having transformed yourself. Sometimes you have to lose everything to know what you really have.

 

Yes you are right, I guess the first time I didnt really lose her so I didn't know what it felt like, now I know and I will never make the same mistakes again that I did the first time.

 

Yes cheating is bad, but so is years of emotional neglect. For men cheating is like the worst crime imaginable, but for a woman being emotionally neglected and disrespected is on the same level if not worse for them. I have to put it all into perspective.

 

It was hard for me to see myself as someone who neglected their wife because I would always do nice things for her, tell her I loved her, take her places, and all those things. But what I realized is that I was only clearing the smoke and never was extinguishing the fire.

[confuzd]

Why are you blaming yourself for her cheating. With the way you are pouring your heart out on here if she can't learn to appreciate you she never will. I hate when men hand over their dignity like you are.

 

I guess you will never understand woggle.

[Woggle]

I guess you will never understand woggle.

 

You are right I will never understand. Going to Vegas was part of your job and she should have understood that. This is why I actually think it is better to get involved with women who have a career. They understand when a man has these commitments because they have the same commitments themselves unlike a more a traditional woman who doesn't understand. I just can't see how she can cheat on you twice yet you are still the bad guy in all of this. My mind does not compute this logic.

[Citizen Erased]

You are right I will never understand. Going to Vegas was part of your job and she should have understood that. This is why I actually think it is better to get involved with women who have a career. They understand when a man has these commitments because they have the same commitments themselves unlike a more a traditional woman who doesn't understand. I just can't see how she can cheat on you twice yet you are still the bad guy in all of this. My mind does not compute this logic.

 

Pretty much everyone has taken issue with his wife's treatment of him, and if confuzd doesn't deal with it in the same way that you would then get over it. Enough people on this thread have told him what he should do, it's wring etc etc.

 

I think it is more important to support him, because he gets enough negativity from his wife, rather then harp on something he has already discussed before. If anything, his actions are commendable for trying to work on his marriage, especially as they have a son together, something most people don't tend to do because divorce is as easy as ordering a pizza it would seem.

[Woggle]

Pretty much everyone has taken issue with his wife's treatment of him, and if confuzd doesn't deal with it in the same way that you would then get over it. Enough people on this thread have told him what he should do, it's wring etc etc.

 

I think it is more important to support him, because he gets enough negativity from his wife, rather then harp on something he has already discussed before. If anything, his actions are commendable for trying to work on his marriage, especially as they have a son together, something most people don't tend to do because divorce is as easy as ordering a pizza it would seem.

 

Him working on his marriage would be commendable if she were on the same page but divorce is inevitable in this case. If my wife even mentions the D word I am going down to my lawyer and getting the papers because once a woman has it in her mind that she wants to leave sooner or later she will and until then she will always have one foot out the door. I am trying to hit him with some reality and make him realize this is over.

[Citizen Erased]

Him working on his marriage would be commendable if she were on the same page but divorce is inevitable in this case. If my wife even mentions the D word I am going down to my lawyer and getting the papers because once a woman has it in her mind that she wants to leave sooner or later she will and until then she will always have one foot out the door. I am trying to hit him with some reality and make him realize this is over.

 

That's great. But this isn't about you. You won't make him realize it's over until he is ready to accept it. And yes, it is commendable because he is doing it DESPITE his wife being a cheating home-wrecking ****. We can pity him for her treatment of him and his son, but in the end he has dealt with this the best way he felt he could, and she has done it again. I think deep down he knows it is over, but he doesn't need another person in his life, or on this thread, harping on about it. Just give him an ear to listen to, you will have plenty of time when he isn't grieving for his failed marriage to turn him into a woman-hating whatever.

[confuzd]

Alright so I took my son yesterday, my wife dropped him off, and didn't really stick around. she said she was going to get her nails done and eyebrows waxed and stuff, and then kind of smiled and said why are you asking, I smiled back and said I was just wondering.

 

then I said can I ask you a question, she said yes. I said what do you think true love is, she said that was too deep for her and she didn't want to talk about that now.

 

I said I was just pondering that and just wanted to know what you thought and she said she didnt know.

 

So I proceeded to tell her that I beleived true love is when you put your heart on the line even when everyone may be telling you that it won't work, and that you may have doubts yourself, I said just like it was in the beginning when I asked you to marry me.

 

She said kind of upset "so people have been telling you it won't work"

I said "I am talking about when we first met"

a little history; me and my wife married out of techschool, many romances blossom during those times and about 95% of them fail, within the first few years. We were made very clear of the statistics when we married and did so anyways.

 

I then said I have something to give back to you. and I pulled out the wedding ring, I was going to propose to you again but, I realize that if this ring is to ever go back on your finger that you will have to be the one to put it on not me.

 

She said no you keep it you took it from me, I said "I took it to propose to you again, but like I said it has to be your decision"

 

She said no a few more times, and I said "do you not want the ring anymore" she said "you took it from me"

 

then I put it in her hand and said maybe oneday when you put it back on then I will know you are ready to work on us.

 

I kind of did this so that she would have an easy way to show me that she wants to work on us instead of having to vocalize it.

 

so anyways she leaves

 

she calls about 2 hours later, and asks a question about our son, I answer the question, and then I tell her that I may go out tonight.

 

she gets quiet and says "oh really" I said that it is hard for me to sit at home by myself thinking of her, I said I don't know what you are doing, and like I told you earlier I can not wait around on you like I did before. If I stay home all I will do is want to call you and that will push you further away. The last thing I want to do is push you further away.

 

she says angrily "so because you don't know what I am doing, your gonna go out and do something" I said "Im just going out to take my mind off this situation" she got upset and got off the phone.

 

So later that night I was at a friends house with my son. My son and his son were at a neighbors house playing on the trampoline. My wife calls my son on his cellphone (yes he's 7 with his own cellphone) she doesn't reach him and calls me, I tell her I will have him call her when he gets home. Then I tell her "I hope you don't think Im cheating on you" then I clarify what I meant to say earlier. I tell her that she has my heart but that I can no longer put my life on hold like I did before, I said I have to do my own thing and whatever happens happens. She said "okay I know what your trying to say" as if she was angry again. I said "what do you think Im trying to say" she said "your gonna go and do your thing and whatever happens happens" I said "when I say whatever happens happens I am referring to me and you" I said " I don't know how to put it into words, but just understand this, I love you enough, to give you time to make your own decision. I can't stress over it anymore. I have to live my life"

 

I then proceeded to say have a good night.

 

she calls my son an hour later while we were on the way home, and talks for a minute, my son gets off and tells me "mommy sounds very sad" I said "how do you know" he said because she was talking very low " I said "if you want to call her back to cheer her up you can" he said "yes" and he called her back "they talked for another minute, my son asked what was wrong and told her she sounded sad, she kind of just said I love you and he said the same, when he got off the phone he said "mommy is crying" I said "really did you hear her" he said "yeah when she was getting off, he could hear her starting to cry"

 

That was it for the night. Im not sure what she is crying about, could be a million things and not one of them could mean that she wants to come back, but then again it could.

 

Oh well for now I am going to give her her space, If she calls I will talk, but I am not going to hound her.

 

I think reckless may be right, she needs time to reflect and to feel the sadness.

 

If anyone can tell me what is going on in my wifes mind It would be appreciated.

 

That's what I was trying to convey.

[Cobra_X30]

That's great. But this isn't about you. You won't make him realize it's over until he is ready to accept it. And yes, it is commendable because he is doing it DESPITE his wife being a cheating home-wrecking ****. We can pity him for her treatment of him and his son, but in the end he has dealt with this the best way he felt he could, and she has done it again. I think deep down he knows it is over, but he doesn't need another person in his life, or on this thread, harping on about it. Just give him an ear to listen to, you will have plenty of time when he isn't grieving for his failed marriage to turn him into a woman-hating whatever.

 

He needs all perspective's. Even the haters.

[Citizen Erased]

He needs all perspective's. Even the haters.

 

It's pointless, he either disregards them or says "good point". No-one can say anything but what has already been said in the last 15 pages. When the OP is ready to listen then is the time to give the criticism. And judging by his last post he isn't.

[Cobra_X30]

It's pointless, he either disregards them or says "good point". No-one can say anything but what has already been said in the last 15 pages. When the OP is ready to listen then is the time to give the criticism. And judging by his last post he isn't.

 

I disagree. Just because he disregards someone who says his marriage will not work does not mean he is just close minded to the possibility. I see him weighing and judging, thats good! Just because he chooses one path does not mean he does not seriously consider the other. We are not talking about a dumb guy here.

[whichwayisup]

That's all you can do - Give her time and space. Let her miss you and feel what life will be like without you in it.

 

One thing - Don't come out and tell her that you're going on with your life (like dating other people). If she asks, just say you're keeping busy, connecting with friends and family, spending time out and about. She doesn't need to know any details of what you do, when and where - Unless your son is with you. But, your personal life is just that. Which is why excluding her from your personal life is important so she can see that you're not sitting around pining for her. (Even if you do, don't tell her that.)

[confuzd]

I guess I was busy posting while you guys where conversating.

 

woggle, it was not my job, the military is my job not my side business

 

I don't think it's over, I don't feel its over.

 

I will know when it's over.

[whichwayisup]

Ignore the side stuff that doesn't pertain to your post.

 

Yes, you are right. Only you will know when it's time to throw in the towel. Everyone has their "ENOUGH" limit.

[Reckless]

She's crying because she's in the 'time out corner'.

 

Up until now what has 'separation' been? Back rubs, nightly whispers of love, deep kisses, snuggling in front of the TV and 100% attention; seperation has, in short, been pretty wonderful.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I am with Lynne that you brought about the demise of your marriage and you need to prove that you have indeed 'got it' but I just feel she needs to say "okay, I'm listening ".

 

 

Even though you made it clear you love her, she can feel the distance and it scares her to death. I'm not sure that the "I'm not going to sit around .." thing was a good idea - regardless of what you actually said what she heard is "I'm going out to find a replacement for you" (don't ask me how we can hear something when its not said that's just how it is). What she heard was a threat no matter how you phrase it, even what you meant was the opposite, she took it as a threat and it saddened and frightened her. That's why I'm with whichway on this, maybe saying nothing is more 'merciful' as well as in keeping with the "space" principle.

 

That having been said, I would say don't back down.

 

It occured to me that she feels that by agreeing to "work on things" she is agreeing to reenter the marriage and she is not ready for that. I think she needs to understand agreeing to work on things she can keep her flat and if at the end of however long she isn't convinced she can trust you then she can file for divorce.

 

 

Maybe it will help to write things down - to write in black and white that you are only asking her to commit to maybe going to councelling and both being "exclusive" while you do. That if at the end of whatever time this turnes out to be, she still is not comfortable with coming home then you can both admit the marriage is dead and bury it.

 

So basically, she is crying because she has just felt what it means to be separeted and she hates it. She's scared you've given up and will now be out trying to meet someone else. She thinks you're trying to punish her and are using the distance to push her to come back into the relationship and she is simply not ready to do that.

 

Every instinct you have is to "dry her tears" make sure she never feels lonely and assure her you are hers body and soul. You can do this, later. For now, I just feel she needs to get on the same page.