will my wife ever come back to me

[CaliGuy]

I keep telling you to use the tough love approach. I hope one day you will try out that advice.

 

Everything he needs to know about Tough Love and how to handle this situation is in the book I've recommended to him time and time again.

[confuzd]

you are correct

 

There is a lot of anger that I have suppressed. One day it will have to be addressed, just at the current moment it can't be. Not because I don't want to but because my wife is still undecided on what she is going to do.

 

Counseling sessions are the best place for these issues to come out, at least there will be a mediator and I won't just fly off the handle.

 

beleive me if I didn't truly feel like I did anything wrong, and I was the perfect husband there would be no way I would be able to justify this in my head. I would've left along time ago.

 

There may come a point where I will have had enough of living in limbo, but I won't know til that time comes.

 

As far as my personal spirit, it is pretty high, I have my down moments, but she doesn't affect me the way she used too, I havent cried in a long time and I don't have the urge to do so anylonger.

 

I am starting to detach from her even more now, I still love her, but I am able to separate her actions from myself and not take them so personally.

 

I can't control what she does, and I won't try too.

 

I will stop calling her at all, I will only see her at counseling unless she initiates and even then I will see how I feel.

 

I am getting to a point where the anger is building, I don't like it and anger is not a productive emotion in a situation like this. I see why people think the way they think and feel the way they feel, I think it is driven by a deep anger or resentment at something that happened in the past, and I can start to relate.

 

However I truly feel like there is alot of hope for my marriage, I also can relate to how my wife must've felt when she buried her anger for years. Anger can change a person, I will try not to let it change me. I will seek counseling, and I will deal with my issues, and in time me and my wife will deal with them together.

 

I do agree that this is the only way for our marriage to work, it has to be constructive, loving, and compassionate, not just a bunch of arguing and name calling that may releive anger temporarily but it will not solve my problems. now is not the time yet, but it will come. It has too....

 

confuzd.

[Mike1966]

you are correct

 

 

beleive me if I didn't truly feel like I did anything wrong, and I was the perfect husband there would be no way I would be able to justify this in my head. I would've left along time ago.

 

There may come a point where I will have had enough of living in limbo, but I won't know til that time comes.

 

confuzd.

 

To me, maybe because we have some similarities in our situations, the above statement is very important.

 

It is one thing to have a WW that had/has zero reason to do what she is doing - A WW that choses to walk out or have an affair when she was with man that was meeting her needs, caring for her, LOVING her, all to throw it back in his face because of her immaturity and lack of understanding of what real love is.

 

IMO, it is completely another thing when you have a WW that leaves with good reason, i.e. abuse, lack of support, living with a man that is condescending or has anger issues, selfishness............the list goes on and on. There's never an excuse for cheating, but the decision to leave and the reasons for the feelings are valid.

 

I agree with you in that eventually you'll have to address the cheating............both from her prospective and from yours. She needs to realize that there should NEVER be anything that you could do that would make her decide to do that, AND, in time, you will have to be able to forgive her and move past it................very difficult, I know.

 

As you've reminded me many times through this process.................it takes time. And it does, it takes alot of time. It takes being willing to be in limbo for the one you love, knowing that you only have to look in the mirror at the image of your "past" self to understand why you have a WW in the first place.

 

confuzed - I encourage you to stay with this thing, fight the good fight, and see it through. Hold onto the hope that, in time, you two can work through this thing. At the end of the day, even if you don't make it, you and I both know you will be a better person because of the personal growth that's taken place in your life because of this.

 

If I remember right, you've invested what, like 8-10 years in this marriage, correct? So, even if you were in limbo for a year or more, is it worth it to you?? Look at the progress that has been made so far because YOU made the decision to show unconditional love and support.

 

I'm far from telling you to be a doormat to your wife. She appears to be taking the steps to work on this marriage, so to me, you've overcome a huge hurdle, in that you BOTH actually want to try and work on the marriage. Remember, this wasn't the case a short time ago.

 

Remember, you want to look back on this event in your life, whether you make it or not, and be able to stand with your chest out, with the character you obviously have, and say "I did everything I could do............I did my best".

 

I've heard so much about the "Love Must Be Tough" book, that I ordered myself a copy yesterday. I'm sure there are many principles that are useful in situations such as ours and many on here seem to have gotten great advice from it.

 

Keep your chin up, my friend.

[jmargel]

There is a lot of anger that I have suppressed. One day it will have to be addressed, just at the current moment it can't be. Not because I don't want to but because my wife is still undecided on what she is going to do.

 

Right there is the problem with I and probably CaliGuy has with all of this. You are letting her make all the decisions and putting your own feelings on hold while she waffles around. Thus in turn at some point you relieve some of this upsetment by having scenarios such as you accusing your wife of seeing that OM again while she claims she was at the gym.

 

When this happens, your wife believes it's just you being an insecure jerk while you are confused on why it's happened or if you know why it happened you trying to tell your wife the reason will just put her off more because she has not dealt with the cheating issue.

 

Counseling sessions are the best place for these issues to come out, at least there will be a mediator and I won't just fly off the handle.

 

beleive me if I didn't truly feel like I did anything wrong, and I was the perfect husband there would be no way I would be able to justify this in my head. I would've left along time ago.

 

Good, make sure you address your anger and upsetment on what she has done in this marriage. Don't dance around the issue, make sure it's addressed. There is no 'one talk' when it comes to affairs. She has to be willing to discuss it at anytime you feel the need to. She did this to you and it's the least she can do.

 

No guy is perfect and there is NO excuses for cheating. NONE, ZERO. There is NO TOLERANCE. There is no crime higher than this when it comes to a marriage. In my opinion, abuse ranks just as high as cheating when it comes to it. Cheating is abuse, because it involves so much more than just the physical aspect. Cheating is at the least emotional abuse. There is no justification and if that is what you are doing, that is what is causing your resentment because in your own head you try to think 'Well I wasn't the greatest husband so I can see her point of view', but then on the other hand you think all the things she has done to you and you never cheated on her. This resentment turns into frustration, insecurity and despair. You then have moments where you lash out at her.

 

That is what happens when you don't stand your ground and demand respect. You demanding respect can only help the situation. It helps by

 

1) Women love confidence, that's something they look for in a man. Most women, inside are very insecure themselves. The last thing they need is a man just like them. They need someone to lean on, to learn from. It's one of the reasons why they look upto their fathers so much, because of this.

 

2) You will find resolution faster. By you demanding and showing respect to yourself it will not be the reason if she doesn't stay with you. It will only bring that answer quicker which will allow you to heal faster and move on.

 

3) It will show her the consequences of her actions. Like Dr. Phil says you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. If you keep covering for her and coddling her she will never acknowledge the damage she is doing to you and herself. Showing and demanding respect takes that shield away from her, it makes her face the unknown which is the EXACT thing you are facing now. Pretty damn scary, isn't it? Let her face it as well. Take that safety net away, let her know that she can fall pretty damn far and get hurt pretty damn bad.

 

There may come a point where I will have had enough of living in limbo, but I won't know til that time comes.

 

It's because you don't have the confidence to face this yet. This is what you have to build within' yourself. You are in limbo because you are allowing her to make all the decisions (or as we put it the ability to not make any decisions and live life without regards for you).

 

I do agree that this is the only way for our marriage to work, it has to be constructive, loving, and compassionate, not just a bunch of arguing and name calling that may releive anger temporarily but it will not solve my problems. now is not the time yet, but it will come. It has too....

 

Look up the 5 stages of grief I believe you are going through this. However you are kind of stuck in these stages only because she is giving you the runaround. I really hope you find resolution before you are totally emotionally exhausted by all of this. Living on this roller coaster ride, is not something anyone should do. However when you find yourself on it, you have get yourself off of it, one way or another.

[confuzd]

To me, maybe because we have some similarities in our situations, the above statement is very important.

 

It is one thing to have a WW that had/has zero reason to do what she is doing - A WW that choses to walk out or have an affair when she was with man that was meeting her needs, caring for her, LOVING her, all to throw it back in his face because of her immaturity and lack of understanding of what real love is.

 

IMO, it is completely another thing when you have a WW that leaves with good reason, i.e. abuse, lack of support, living with a man that is condescending or has anger issues, selfishness............the list goes on and on. There's never an excuse for cheating, but the decision to leave and the reasons for the feelings are valid.

 

I agree with you in that eventually you'll have to address the cheating............both from her prospective and from yours. She needs to realize that there should NEVER be anything that you could do that would make her decide to do that, AND, in time, you will have to be able to forgive her and move past it................very difficult, I know.

 

As you've reminded me many times through this process.................it takes time. And it does, it takes alot of time. It takes being willing to be in limbo for the one you love, knowing that you only have to look in the mirror at the image of your "past" self to understand why you have a WW in the first place.

 

confuzed - I encourage you to stay with this thing, fight the good fight, and see it through. Hold onto the hope that, in time, you two can work through this thing. At the end of the day, even if you don't make it, you and I both know you will be a better person because of the personal growth that's taken place in your life because of this.

 

If I remember right, you've invested what, like 8-10 years in this marriage, correct? So, even if you were in limbo for a year or more, is it worth it to you?? Look at the progress that has been made so far because YOU made the decision to show unconditional love and support.

 

I'm far from telling you to be a doormat to your wife. She appears to be taking the steps to work on this marriage, so to me, you've overcome a huge hurdle, in that you BOTH actually want to try and work on the marriage. Remember, this wasn't the case a short time ago.

 

Remember, you want to look back on this event in your life, whether you make it or not, and be able to stand with your chest out, with the character you obviously have, and say "I did everything I could do............I did my best".

 

I've heard so much about the "Love Must Be Tough" book, that I ordered myself a copy yesterday. I'm sure there are many principles that are useful in situations such as ours and many on here seem to have gotten great advice from it.

 

Keep your chin up, my friend.

 

thanks mike,

 

your definitely returning the favor, and its great to hear these things from an outside party, My chin is up and I have not given up at all.

[confuzd]

Right there is the problem with I and probably CaliGuy has with all of this. You are letting her make all the decisions and putting your own feelings on hold while she waffles around. Thus in turn at some point you relieve some of this upsetment by having scenarios such as you accusing your wife of seeing that OM again while she claims she was at the gym.

 

When this happens, your wife believes it's just you being an insecure jerk while you are confused on why it's happened or if you know why it happened you trying to tell your wife the reason will just put her off more because she has not dealt with the cheating issue.

 

 

 

Good, make sure you address your anger and upsetment on what she has done in this marriage. Don't dance around the issue, make sure it's addressed. There is no 'one talk' when it comes to affairs. She has to be willing to discuss it at anytime you feel the need to. She did this to you and it's the least she can do.

 

No guy is perfect and there is NO excuses for cheating. NONE, ZERO. There is NO TOLERANCE. There is no crime higher than this when it comes to a marriage. In my opinion, abuse ranks just as high as cheating when it comes to it. Cheating is abuse, because it involves so much more than just the physical aspect. Cheating is at the least emotional abuse. There is no justification and if that is what you are doing, that is what is causing your resentment because in your own head you try to think 'Well I wasn't the greatest husband so I can see her point of view', but then on the other hand you think all the things she has done to you and you never cheated on her. This resentment turns into frustration, insecurity and despair. You then have moments where you lash out at her.

 

That is what happens when you don't stand your ground and demand respect. You demanding respect can only help the situation. It helps by

 

1) Women love confidence, that's something they look for in a man. Most women, inside are very insecure themselves. The last thing they need is a man just like them. They need someone to lean on, to learn from. It's one of the reasons why they look upto their fathers so much, because of this.

 

2) You will find resolution faster. By you demanding and showing respect to yourself it will not be the reason if she doesn't stay with you. It will only bring that answer quicker which will allow you to heal faster and move on.

 

3) It will show her the consequences of her actions. Like Dr. Phil says you can't fix what you don't acknowledge. If you keep covering for her and coddling her she will never acknowledge the damage she is doing to you and herself. Showing and demanding respect takes that shield away from her, it makes her face the unknown which is the EXACT thing you are facing now. Pretty damn scary, isn't it? Let her face it as well. Take that safety net away, let her know that she can fall pretty damn far and get hurt pretty damn bad.

 

 

 

It's because you don't have the confidence to face this yet. This is what you have to build within' yourself. You are in limbo because you are allowing her to make all the decisions (or as we put it the ability to not make any decisions and live life without regards for you).

 

 

 

Look up the 5 stages of grief I believe you are going through this. However you are kind of stuck in these stages only because she is giving you the runaround. I really hope you find resolution before you are totally emotionally exhausted by all of this. Living on this roller coaster ride, is not something anyone should do. However when you find yourself on it, you have get yourself off of it, one way or another.

 

I think for the first time ever I probably agree with everything you have said Jmargel.

 

 

I went to the gym last night and I hadn't called my wife all day, she calls about 7pm while I am still at the gym, and I called her back when I got out.

 

she sounded a little down, but I kind of spoke with a detatched attitude. not one that is not loving or hurtful, but one that is detatched, from giving her the ability to drag my emotions back down.

 

she noticed this detatchment very quickly and didn't know how to take it. I asked if we were still going to M.C. tomorrow, which is actually today, and she said she'll let me know. I said okay I just need to know so I can cancel.

 

she then asked me why I was talking so nonchalantly like I didn't care about anything, I told her it's not that I don't care its just that like you I have alot on my mind. I left it at that and for her to wonder what I could be thinking, as I have been all this time.

 

I told her I would like to know ahead of time about MC and not at the last minute, she then said that she doesnt think she should go tomorrow. I saw this as an attempt to spark a reaction out of me, but it did not. I said okay Ill just cancel.

 

i got off the phone with her after a short conversation, and I could tell that she was bothered.

 

I didn't talk to her the rest of the night.

 

I am starting to detatch more than ever, it is also referred to as the Last Resort Technique, but for me it is not really a technique just the way I am feeling.

 

I would love to be with my wife, but I think it will have to be on even terms now. I have to make sure that we are both ready to work and fill each others love banks, I am getting overdrawn and have not received many deposits (I know this is how she felt for so long).

 

I am not going back to being a jerk, I still love her dearly, but something clicked over in my mind to where I can be just fine on my own.

 

I have gotten many offers for dates, that I used to turn down. Still have not accepted any but the offers seem to become more appealing.

 

Well this morning my wife calls me at 7am and tells me that she wants to go to MC. She must've been doing alot of thinking. I said okay.

 

Kind of weird, all of the sudden now she wants to go, I guess she didn't get the reaction she wanted so she changed her mind.

 

I'll let you know how MC goes.

 

confuzd.

[CaliGuy]

thanks mike,

 

your definitely returning the favor, and its great to hear these things from an outside party, My chin is up and I have not given up at all.

 

Some of the best advice you're receiving you seem to not acklowledge.

 

JMargel is showing you exactly what you need to do to resolve the tough issues in your marriage.

 

You can choose to listen or ignore his advice, but brother, if you want to get your life in order asap and find the shortest path to resolution, you really ought to let his advice start to sink in.

[confuzd]

Some of the best advice you're receiving you seem to not acklowledge.

 

JMargel is showing you exactly what you need to do to resolve the tough issues in your marriage.

 

You can choose to listen or ignore his advice, but brother, if you want to get your life in order asap and find the shortest path to resolution, you really ought to let his advice start to sink in.

 

 

yeah I just said i agreed with everything he said.

[CaliGuy]

yeah I just said i agreed with everything he said.

 

Confuzd, something I think you need to be aware of is that neither I nor JMargel want to see you fail. On the contrary, we want what is best for you. That is why both he and I have gone to such lengths to offer our advice. We're not saying the advice is Gospel, but we can see things from a perspective that perhaps you can not.

 

The advice JMargel is giving you is the same advice you'll find in "Love Must Be Tough." You are apologizing and being very submissive to your wife when she is the one who needs to be apologizing and trying to make things right. She is the one who has cheated, not once but twice. She was the one taking the dirty photos and sending them to another man.

 

NOT YOU.

 

If anyone has a right to be angry, if anyone should be apologized to, if anyone has the right to be suspicious, it's YOU.

 

Your wife has clearly not shown remorse nor have you indicated that she's apologized for her behavior.

 

Counseling is great, it's the right first step in repairing your marriage. But do not be so overly focused on the end goal that you blind yourself to what is going on around you.

 

Don't apologize for your wife's behavior.

Don't beat yourself up when you feel you've made a mistake.

Don't worry so much about her reactions.

 

Right now you need to put your foot down, rebuild your confidence and let her know that you aren't going to wait around forever for her to get her act together.

 

And JMargel is right. If you indeed start to show confidence in yourself and she runs away again, all you have done is gotten your answer sooner, rather than waiting/hoping for her to do something she has no intentions of doing (reconciling).

 

Trust me, if she really wants the marriage to work out, she has to come to that conclusion on her own. She has to clearly see what she is about to lose. And if she makes the decision to walk away, she was going to make that decision anyway and there's nothing YOU as a person can do about it.

 

Her decision to leave or stay is hers and hers alone. You can not force her to come to that conclusion.

 

Again, I WANT you to succeed but the way you're going about it is not the way a confident, self-assured man would handle it. Stop apologizing for her behavior. You didn't hold a gun to her head and force her to sleep with another man. You yourself did not sleep with another woman.

 

It's high time you got angry and put your foot down.

[confuzd]

Just got back from marriage counseling, went well in the big scope of things, I did get a lot of stuff off of my chest. I addressed alot of the infidelity and trust issues head on. It made my wife uncomfortable, but I think she handled it very well.

 

I feel better getting it all out. I have a totally different attitude about things, Im becoming more able to be okay with however our relationship goes.

 

I beleieve that my wife wants to work things out, and that if we don't work it out it will be my decision. That is my gut right now. I think I will be able to forgive her, but of course we have a long way to go.

 

The counselor talked to me and her about actions to take to bring us closer, and how to trust and forgive.

 

It was a very productive meeting, and was my wifes idea to go. we scheduled another meeting for next week.

 

I'm not sure how Im still coming across as a weak person, because I am stronger now than I have ever been, as described in my last post. I guess you can't please everyone (although that is not my goal).

 

I am just going through the phases I guess, as Jmargel described. I am keeping focus though as I transcend through these different statges and keeping my eyes on the goal. It's just that now I know that if I don't reach that goal (which I know I will) I will be okay creating new goals for my life.

 

I think this is the best attitude to have and definitely is a process in order to reach this stage. I do think this is the most attractive attitude as well. I would've thought for sure my wife would've cancelled our appt, and been pissed but instead she changed her mind, and said she wanted to go.

 

Funny thing is I wouldn't have cared either way, so I guess once you let go and stop being so needy it really makes a big difference.

 

In the beginning it is very hard because it is not natural this is why they say you have to fake it til you make it.

 

well Im no longer faking, and I think I have control of my mind once again.

 

I will keep you guys posted, but I feel our marriage will be stronger than ever, but either way I will be just fine

 

 

confuzd.

[jmargel]

You seem to be getting on the right track now. Let her come to you, let her WANT this to work. If she WANTS this then she will pull her share of the load. Glad she reconsidered the MC, because if she would have cancelled or not shown up I would have said that it's time to move on without her.

 

I'm glad you are seeing things now that you have not before. Keep up this new attitude, and know inside that you will be ok no matter what the outcome is. Keep pulling away your own self-worth from her, this will get 'you' back.

 

By you telling her that you have 'thinking' to do and you have stuff on your mind, you make her think. You make her start to think on what she is losing. We often get so comfortable with the one we are with that we take them for granted. You are taking this 'comfortableness' away from her. One of the biggest positives about 'tough love' is that you make your SO 'think'. They start to think about what they are doing wrong, not just throwing all the blame on you.

 

When you tolerate her behavior and apologize and she knows how much concern you have on her reactions, you just re-enforce her comfortableness with you, which re-enforces the disrespect as well.

 

I hope she wakes up before it's too late. Continue living your life and start making short term goals for yourself. Continue to do things that make YOU happy. Do things now that you couldn't when she was living with you. Take advantage of those aspects and try to continue to get positives out of this situation.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I agree...you really have to let her come to you. If it's the other way around, you will always wonder if she truly wanted to do so.

[lysne]

Hey Confuzd. A lot of developments here. I think what you're feeling is completely natural. And I would wager a wad of $ that it will play out like this for awhile: you will continue detaching, as happens after being on such an intense emotional rollercoaster for so long, your wife will sense it, and ultimately will start taking positive actions toward reconciling and preserving the marriage. And why? -- because you've hooked her and brought her back from the brink. By showing her over all this time that you CAN be the guy she always wanted, she has clearly at least partially reinvested herself. She'll want to know where this is going. At the same time, people do know or can at least intuit that a person can only give so much before they start to give OUT, emotionally, and so I think you will start to see more from her side -- ie, her wanting to go to MC. She still doesn't want you to think your job is done, so don't expect revolutionary turns, but the more you pull back, quietly and without bitterness, the more she will feel the loss and try to prevent it (your own positive deeds will probably also be rewarded more). Which is not to say that you should pull back as some sort of strategy -- women can sense the difference -- as you have said, it's just a natural consequence, and something you have to ride out, for better or for worse. Her reaction to that will be decisive.

 

Like you and the rest of the guys here, I have been through infidelity with a WS, and would never downplay the seriousness or the longterm nature of its emotional consequences. You have every right to feel however you like about it, for as long as you like. But I would remind people that that includes the right to "get over it" and NOT define yourself exclusively by your respective spouse's fidelity or lack thereof. Self-respect and self-confidence are NOT defined by anyone else, whether a WS or random people on a message board. Nothing in Confuzd's posts has ever shown this, and it's exhausting reading pages of accusations of groveling, weakness, or general lack of so-called manliness when that is obviously not the case. If it were, I would say so -- it is absolutely correct that women are turned off by weakness. What some men don't understand that what women who have a previously unrepentant alphamale really want (as in my case, and I believe your W's case), is an indication that said man is also able to be caring, attentive and loyal. Which is pretty much what your wife has stated verbatim. Yes, we want "tough" men, but when that's not in any doubt, we also crave and need "softness." We need reassurance and reliability alongside "toughness." I'll bet my right arm that's where your wife is -- you have said as much in not so many words. That said, what others have said here about your wife needing to take responsibility and own up to her own wrongs, and prove her commitment and maturity, for there to be any hope, is equally true. But you already know that.

 

Anyway, I don't mean to "post and run" but I don't know what my access to LS will be in the next few days as I'll be on the road with H, who is taking some time off work. Repairing Rs on the brink is damn hard work, but worth it. IMO.

 

PS - Thanks YQ.

[BestAdvisor1]

 

I have gotten many offers for dates, that I used to turn down. Still have not accepted any but the offers seem to become more appealing.

 

 

confuzd.

 

Are you doing online dating? Who are these girls...do they know you're married?

[confuzd]

Great to hear from you Lysne,

Im glad things are working out for you. And as always your words mean so much.

 

BA, I have been out and have been getting offers for quite some time, but wasnt emotionally ready to even entertain the idea of a date. As far as knowing if Im married, Im not to sure how long that will be my status anymore.

 

So here are the updates.

 

I havent talked to my wife in about three days for more than maybe 2 minutes. My son told me that the other day she was crying, not sure why but I didn't push her for answers.

 

So heres the deal, I talked to my wife for a few minutes and told her that I feel like im just holding her back from happiness, she is alway said and is so confused right now, and that It obviously has to do with the OM in the picture, I told her I was not dumb and I didn't care anymore.

 

I said that I think I need to let her go so she can move on with her life and be happy, and that hopefully this guy can do that for her. she was quiet so I asked what she thought about that. She said she didn't know (typical answer, I don't think she is understanding that it is not up to her anymore).

She said that she feels that way some times but at other times she doesn't. So I flat out asked are you still involved with this other guy, she said not like that. Thats all I needed to know, "not like that" bull ****, I knew she was but I accepted it because I knew I had pushed her.

 

I told her that It was cool and that I was done, (all of this was said very respectfully) I said that I am not going to be second to anyone, and that I have done this for long enough.

 

She got upset and emotional as always, and said that it makes her mad that I can only last a few months when she put up with it for 8 years. I told her that there is no need for her to be upset because she doesn't have to deal with me anymore, She ranted and raved for a while longer so I hung up on her.

 

She calls back and I tell her I am not arguing with her and she still rants and raves and tells me how good of a woman she has been all these years, and that I will realize one day that no woman will put up with the way I treated her. I told her that she doesnt get it, It won't take me years to realize that because I already do, I said but it no longer matters. You were a great woman, and I am now a better man hopefully this man will treat you right, because Iwill defnitely treat the next woman right.

 

This seemed to really bother her, but at this point I have had enough, If there is any chance at salvaging our marriage she is going to have to do something miraculous, that will change my mind.

 

She ranted and raved some more so I hung up on her again, I am tired of hearing it, only for her to try to get a point across, if she would only realize that if she could calm down and speak calmly she could get all the points across she would ever need.

 

She does call back to apologize for yelling, I tell her that there is no longer any need to apologize to me, I said I understand your an emotional person, but I do appreciate it. she just sat on the phone quiet so I said bye and hung up. That was the last I spoke to her.

 

I packed up the remainder of her clothes and items and will have them waiting for her when she drops off my son.

 

As far as me, I really plan on seeing a divorce attorney next week, Ifeel I am ready to move on, and I see a bright future ahead of me. Whether it is with my wife which would take a miraculous intervention, or whether it is with another woman.

 

I have my eye on one in particular, I met her a while back but never called due to obvious reasons, She calls me out of the blue to ask me out, it seemed like perfect timing, I am so over my wife and her bull ****. I said what the hell I'll give her a try.

 

Man this girl was amazing, and Im not just saying that, beautiful, shes about to become a surgeon, funny, she really has her stuff together, definitely my type of woman.

 

So that is where I am at, I have another date today with a different girl, It seems that they are all just coming out the woodworks, or maybe they've been there all along.

 

anyways it seems as though I am done with my wife, I will continue to post to keep you guys updated.

 

I am no longer heartbroken, I laugh and smile more than ever. I will admit there is a sense of loss, and sadness, but I guess that is natural. I feel good though that ths is all my choice.

 

We'll see what she does but right now I am really not even open to her advance anylonger, if they do happen to come my way. she would have to approach me with sincere remorse, proof, and probably so much more for me to forgive her.

 

Sorry If I let anyone down, I just have had enough. But for me I feel great.

 

confuzd.

[BestAdvisor1]

 

She said that she feels that way some times but at other times she doesn't. So I flat out asked are you still involved with this other guy, she said not like that. Thats all I needed to know, "not like that" bull ****,

confuzd.

 

If you really answered my 10 questions I asked you two weeks ago and you still forgave her and yet, she is still with this other guy, what does that tell you about her?

 

The last time her anwer was "I'm not involved with anyone" and you end up finding pictures on her phone. Now, her answer is "it's not like that", and that's alot more than "I'm not invovled with anyone" and thus more than those pictures you've been seeing. As I've said it before, it's just near impossible for her to cut him lose just like that and she even stapped you on the back by reporting you instead of feeling bad about what she did.

 

By the way how dare "she goes off on how this shows how she can't trust that I will ever forgive her" not long ago when now she just admitted that she's still involved with him.

 

Just out of curiousity, her first affair, was it physical affair? How did she met him? How did you find out?

 

 

 

I have my eye on one in particular, I met her a while back but never called due to obvious reasons, She calls me out of the blue to ask me out, it seemed like perfect timing, I am so over my wife and her bull ****. I said what the hell I'll give her a try.

 

Man this girl was amazing, and Im not just saying that, beautiful, shes about to become a surgeon, funny, she really has her stuff together, definitely my type of woman.

 

So that is where I am at, I have another date today with a different girl, It seems that they are all just coming out the woodworks, or maybe they've been there all along.

 

anyways it seems as though I am done with my wife, I will continue to post to keep you guys updated.

 

I am no longer heartbroken, I laugh and smile more than ever. I will admit there is a sense of loss, and sadness, but I guess that is natural. I feel good though that ths is all my choice.

 

We'll see what she does but right now I am really not even open to her advance anylonger, if they do happen to come my way. she would have to approach me with sincere remorse, proof, and probably so much more for me to forgive her.

 

Sorry If I let anyone down, I just have had enough. But for me I feel great.

 

confuzd.

 

Three words for you: Good for you.

 

Normally, I would advise someone not to be involved with anyone else unless the divorce is finalized, but your wife has committed adultery again and again and again, I'm not so sure if that advice will longer apply.

 

As you know my predictions have been right all alone. I am going to predict that your wife eventually (months or years from now) try to "make it work," and at that time if you're already involved with someone good, don't break that somone's heart by getting back with this ex of yours (physically or emotionally) who hook up with some random guy from the grocery store and lied to you again and again.

[CaliGuy]

Confuzed, I am sorry to hear this. I suspected the other man was still in the picture and you confirmed it.

 

My question to her if I could ask is she says "Nobody will put up with what I put up with for 8 years."

 

OH REALLY? What man would put up with a cheating wife as much as you have???? That is a complete BS answer from her and she is still not accepting responsibility for what she has done. She is showing no remorse or guilt for her actions.

 

I think you're doing the right thing. But don't jump into another relationship right away. Take some YOU time to get adjusted and please keep reading "Love Must Be Tough" because the advice in there will help you no matter what happens.

 

I want to see things work out for you either way but stand strong and hold your ground. Your wife's behavior is not acceptable and as long as she has a relationship with another man (and I highly doubt it's not "in that way" anymore. My ex said the exact same thing but she darn sure lied through her teeth!!!) there would never be a chance for reconilliation.

[jmargel]

Finally.. what I have been after for you.. Is resolution. I finally am starting to see an ending to this one way or another so that you can move on. That is what 'Tough Love' is all about my friend. It's about making them see what they are doing and the consequences of them doing it. It's about making them make a decision and to see their own inner demons. It's about knowing what they want in their heart and to stop dragging others through the mud. It's about letting you move on with your life. It's about stopping all the selfishness that has been going on.

 

After saying that, her reply about the OM is an indication that she isn't done with him. She was still telling you lies. She has been disgracing her vows for quite some time now. However that is something that is not your problem anymore. She will wake up one day and realize what her real problems are, and they are within' herself.

 

As for the other women, I would limit it to just being friends with them, it is WAY too early to get involved with another chick. The biggest turn off for a chick is to throw too much baggage on her from your marriage. Plus on top of that, you are not done emotionally with your wife. You still have a long process to go through in regards to that. Also, never make decisions with your current marriage on the prospects of someone else. That always backfires.

 

Next time your wife calls, tell her up front that you will only talk to her if she talks to you in a calm manner. Then let her talk as long as she respects.

 

Glad you are finally making decisions before you had them made for you.

[Mike1966]

Hey confuzed,

 

I'm sorry to hear things turned out as they did but at the same time I am relieved for you. I'm very proud of the way you handled things through the process, you can look back no matter what the outcome and feel good about yourself and the gentleman and man of character that you are........................someone else did not determine how you were going to act, bravo!

 

As for your wife, I have to agree with the other comment that mentioned she will eventually see what she is missing as you are a quality guy. As for her ranting, THERE'S NOTHING YOU DID TO "MAKE" HER HAVE AN AFFAIR................she CHOSE infidelity all on her own and can't blame you for that, that is on her, 100%.

 

Take it slow with the dating but I for one am with you................."go for it". I've been talking to some people about when to date if things don't work for my wife and I and some people have all of these "pat" answers.........."2 yrs", "3 yrs", "depends on how long you were married"...............I do think you should refrain from getting serious quickly, but, at the same time, I believe you have gone through many changes since your first post and you're truly ready to move on. I think it's different for those who haven't fought the emotional battles you have.

 

Do keep us posted on the progress. Congrats to you for being strong enough to make the tough decision you did.

 

I'll keep you in my prayers, my friend.

[Woggle]

Good for you for finally growing a backbone and setting her straight. She was playing you all along and you have finally had enough of her games and crap. She is still blaming you for everything which shows that she will never get it. It is sad that you your son has to go through but this marriage is dead and best to just pull the plug instead of putting him through this for years. Cheers to you and if we lived near each other I would take you out for drinks.

[whichwayisup]

I feel for your son, that's going to be rough....I hope both you and your wife put him first and keep the other crap far away from him. Make sure he feels loved, secure, and cared for. And that none of this stuff is his fault..

 

Yeah, she's still involved with the OM and I think her little sh.it fit on the phone has proved afew things - She now knows you aren't falling for her bull, she now knows that you aren't chasing her to make things work...The ball is actually in her court, but not in the way she'd had hoped.

 

I bet once she really wakes up and realizes "WTF did I DO, OH NO, I'm about to lose everything! My husband, family, life as i know it" She'll be pounding on your door asking for forgiveness. ACTIONS speak louder than words...IF that does actually happen, don't even consider taking her back until she's worked on herself, gone through some serious therapy and can prove to you she's worthy of another chance. IN the meantime, talk to a lawyer, get things rolling.

 

Just one word of advice - Don't go jumping into the dating scene right now. You may feel you're over it and ready to move on...You're not even close...The moments you feel good and happy that you've got control again, great! But don't drag someone else into this mess - emotionally you can't give to anyone else except your kids.

[confuzd]

thanks for all the comments,

 

I understand the comments about tough love and showing her that I am moving on, but honestly this has nothing to do with showing her anything, I am moving on.

 

As far as my son, never think for a minute he is not my pride and joy, he is very much loved, and I tell him all the time, Most men don't kiss their son's or tell them they love them often but I do. I was not treated that way by my father, so I over do it with him. No worries there.

 

As far as the dating scene I understand the concerns but, I am not going to sit at home depressed, when there are tons of beautiful women I can be spending time with.

 

last night I took a very pretty girl out to the movies (she actually models), then for ice cream, and to a park where we enjoyed each others company She knows my situation, and is okay with it, I think it actually makes it a challenge for her. She's a little bit younger than I would normally date, but what the hell you only live once.

 

any ways I have another date on tuesday to go eat sushi with the other girl I mentioned in a recent post. I'm not trying to be a player and I am being totally upfront about my intentions, but I am just enjoying my life as best I can.

 

cofuzd

[Cobra_X30]

Confuzd,

 

Dont change back to the guy you were! The changes you have made are good. Take this experience as a positive.

 

I think you have finally hit the anger stage. This may last for some time... occaisionally forever. Make sure you put this in a healthy perspective. Try not to let this color the way you see all women, also once your ready forgive your wife. I think that she has hit a point where she is just too selfish to understand. Maybe she has always been like that.

 

I hate that things have come to this for you.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

[CaliGuy]

thanks for all the comments,

I understand the comments about tough love and showing her that I am moving on, but honestly this has nothing to do with showing her anything, I am moving on.

 

Confuzd, what brought you to this point? Not trying to be a smart-alleck here, but a week ago you were willing to do anything to save this marriage and now you've done a complete 180. Is there something else you're not telling us?

 

As far as my son, never think for a minute he is not my pride and joy, he is very much loved, and I tell him all the time, Most men don't kiss their son's or tell them they love them often but I do. I was not treated that way by my father, so I over do it with him. No worries there.

 

No one here doubts your dedication to your son. He should always remain your #1 priority. Over work, over dating -- over anything else. He's going to have a hard time adjusting and will be confused for some time. The most important thing is that he knows you both love him very much.

 

As far as the dating scene I understand the concerns but, I am not going to sit at home depressed, when there are tons of beautiful women I can be spending time with.

 

True, but that's not the most healthy way to deal with your anger. Hanging out with friends is probably the most crucial. They'll help you along as best they can and will provide support.

 

last night I took a very pretty girl out to the movies (she actually models), then for ice cream, and to a park where we enjoyed each others company She knows my situation, and is okay with it, I think it actually makes it a challenge for her. She's a little bit younger than I would normally date, but what the hell you only live once.

 

Baby steps, bro. Baby steps. You won't be over your marriage for some time and it's not fair to new women you meet to get involved while you're still recovering. Recover first, then date.

 

any ways I have another date on tuesday to go eat sushi with the other girl I mentioned in a recent post. I'm not trying to be a player and I am being totally upfront about my intentions, but I am just enjoying my life as best I can.

 

cofuzd

 

When you say "trying not to be a player" it infers that you are being one now. Confuzd, don't hurt these other women. Don't be unfair to them. In your heart, you are not ready to date and you shouldn't. Don't get intimately involved with them. Hang out, yes, but don't DATE. Be friends with them. You need friends right now, you don't need another relationship. At least not yet.

 

Cheers

[reboot]

Also don't do things that could be used against you in the event of a divorce. Do not be naive, do not put anything past your spouse.