will my wife ever come back to me

[lysne]

I've had to learn the very hard way too, Confuzd. I don't blame myself for my H cheating (just as you should not blame yourself for that act either), but I have had to wake up and take responsibility for not pulling my weight in the marriage, and doing my fair share to weaken it to the point of near failure. Often when irritated or upset I retreated, became cold, and sometimes I purposefully denied my H affection just to "punish" him for some perceived wrong on his part. I was also convinced of my own inherent moral and intellectual superiority whenever we disagreed on issues. How obnoxious. I really cringe now to think of my behavior.

 

Now, it doesn't make my H's actions justifiable, but it does indicate that the weakness of the marriage in the first place had a lot to do with me. And I think you've come to the same realization about your marriage, which is such an invaluable lesson to learn. It is no affront to masculinity to own up to your own personal failures in life. Quite the opposite, but fortunately, you obviously don't require external validation of that anyway.

 

That said, like a lot of others, I admit that I'm very concerned about things from your wife's end. You have asked what's going on in her mind... frankly, I think she's feeling sorry for herself. If she does the right thing and gets off her high horse, she's going to have to deal with a lot of very difficult emotions including shame, remorse, and maybe even a lost sense of personal identity. As long as she sticks to her victim mentality, she doesn't have to confront any of that just yet. And as she's still coming down off the affair "fog," as they say, and feeling so much confusion over developments with you, she might just not be ready to confront reality yet. Which is why she doesn't want to make any decisions - she is much more comfortable reacting to you instead of consciously acting.

 

I think you have done a good job giving her a sense that she needs to make a choice at some point. However, I also think she will resist for as long as possible in order to avoid the tough job of facing reality. If you allow this for too long, no good can come of it. That's why, when you feel the timing is right and you are personally ready to accept all outcomes, I think you are going to need to force her into reality - which you do by making her understand that she is going to lose you if she doesn't re-commit herself. (However, I agree with WWIU that you should NOT push her away right now by insinuating that you are back on the market in the meantime.) Ultimately, that IS the reality, because you are human - in time your pain will subside and your feelings toward her will change if she does not.

 

In truth, the odds are against you Confuzd. But people do learn and they do change. You are proof of that. My H is proof of that. I think I may be too. Sometimes it's more of an evolution though, and I don't know whether your marriage has time left for that. But as you have said all along it's your life to live and yours alone, so as long as you believe there is hope, then live it without regrets (not that anyone has ever needed to tell you so ).

 

Edited to say: Good post, Reckless. It looks like we have a similar take.

[Woggle]

You mentioning that you are going out was a big blow to her ego. Once a woman thinks that a man is moving on and that his heart is escaping from her grip it drives them crazy. I know on here it doesn't seem you are moving on but mentioning going out spoke volumnes to her.

[CaliGuy]

She's crying because she's in the 'time out corner'.

 

Up until now what has 'separation' been? Back rubs, nightly whispers of love, deep kisses, snuggling in front of the TV and 100% attention; seperation has, in short, been pretty wonderful.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I am with Lynne that you brought about the demise of your marriage and you need to prove that you have indeed 'got it' but I just feel she needs to say "okay, I'm listening ".

 

 

Even though you made it clear you love her, she can feel the distance and it scares her to death. I'm not sure that the "I'm not going to sit around .." thing was a good idea - regardless of what you actually said what she heard is "I'm going out to find a replacement for you" (don't ask me how we can hear something when its not said that's just how it is). What she heard was a threat no matter how you phrase it, even what you meant was the opposite, she took it as a threat and it saddened and frightened her. That's why I'm with whichway on this, maybe saying nothing is more 'merciful' as well as in keeping with the "space" principle.

 

That having been said, I would say don't back down.

 

It occured to me that she feels that by agreeing to "work on things" she is agreeing to reenter the marriage and she is not ready for that. I think she needs to understand agreeing to work on things she can keep her flat and if at the end of however long she isn't convinced she can trust you then she can file for divorce.

 

 

Maybe it will help to write things down - to write in black and white that you are only asking her to commit to maybe going to councelling and both being "exclusive" while you do. That if at the end of whatever time this turnes out to be, she still is not comfortable with coming home then you can both admit the marriage is dead and bury it.

 

So basically, she is crying because she has just felt what it means to be separeted and she hates it. She's scared you've given up and will now be out trying to meet someone else. She thinks you're trying to punish her and are using the distance to push her to come back into the relationship and she is simply not ready to do that.

 

Every instinct you have is to "dry her tears" make sure she never feels lonely and assure her you are hers body and soul. You can do this, later. For now, I just feel she needs to get on the same page.

 

I just don't think he's read the book I suggested otherwise he'd be handling this a lot differently.

 

It's called "Love Must Be Tough" because when someone does what she did to him, the proper response is to show "tough love", not what you referred to earlier as "backrubs" and such.

 

You should not reward someone with goodness who has treated you with disrespect and has not honored the covenant of marriage.

 

Period.

[confuzd]

I think you are going to need to force her into reality - which you do by making her understand that she is going to lose you if she doesn't re-commit herself. (However, I agree with WWIU that you should NOT push her away right now by insinuating that you are back on the market in the meantime.)

 

So how do I make her understand this, I thought that is what I was doing by saying I was moving on, and if that was the wrong thing to do, how do I rectify that and make sure she understands where I am coming from.

 

I want to make her think about what is going on instead of just disregarding everything. I dont want to make her feel like there is no hope left.

 

I did not talk to her all day yesterday, I did not call and she did not call me, I would hate for her to think that I am out cheating and in turn feel like I have given up on her.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Stating the obvious - "men and women are different".

 

Q. What is the difference between people who reconcile and people who don't?

 

A. People who reconcile have learned about the opposite sex and why the relationship got to break-up point.

 

Q. What happens to people who don't learn about the opposite sex?

 

A. They end up bitter wishing that their ex-partner behaved more like them and their own sex.

 

[CaliGuy]

I did not talk to her all day yesterday, I did not call and she did not call me, I would hate for her to think that I am out cheating and in turn feel like I have given up on her.

 

Don't you think letting her see what it feels like being you for a day might benefit your situation?

 

When someone pulls away from you, as she is doing, the best response you can give is to pull away as well. She needs time to miss you and to feel the gravity of the choices she is about to make.

 

She can not feel that if you are at her beck and call and catering to her every whim. Doing so only rewards her bad behavior and encourages her to continue to take you for granted.

 

I think it's in your best interest to man up here. Not saying that in a derrogatory way. Just saying it's time to show her some tough love.

[lysne]

So how do I make her understand this, I thought that is what I was doing by saying I was moving on, and if that was the wrong thing to do, how do I rectify that and make sure she understands where I am coming from.

 

I want to make her think about what is going on instead of just disregarding everything. I dont want to make her feel like there is no hope left.

 

You can clarify that you are not dating until the papers are filed; at the same time, you have no choice but to start moving on emotionally and even logistically.

 

Confuzd, at some point soon you are just going to have to lay down an ultimatum to her to choose. And then you have to accept the consequences and follow through with it. I know you don't want to hear that. But if you don't, this is going to go on indefinitely, you are going to go through the wringer, and you are going to lose her in the end anyway.

 

To be honest, I really made a mistake earlier by assuming that YOU were the one that had checked out of your marriage and that your wife was just trying to get your attention (as I did). I was wrong, it was your wife who checked out a long time ago. CaliGuy is right that under these circumstances the only card you have left is "tough love," and if playing it costs you your marriage, then it was lost anyway.

 

Sorry.

[lysne]

Confuzd, how are you doing? I'm worried about you.

[confuzd]

thanks for the concern, I have been trying to stay away from the boards, it might be making it harder for me to move on, If Im always on here, but I always get sucked back in.

 

Im not so sure your advice was totally wrong.

 

even if she had an affair, the way she was acting through out, with the dates, hugs, kisses, I love you, Im in love with you. asking me If I love her. all that doesn't show me someone who has fully made up her mind

 

Yes she has definitely detached, thats for sure, but Im not convinced she is done.

 

the fact that she was doing that even if there was another man, makes it all the more confusing.

 

for now I am going to back off and give her her space to play things out. I know that her decision has to be made on her own, and if she doesn't make it on her own timeline then she will probably regret it.

 

So I probably won't have much to post as often but if something happens I will let you guys know thanks.

[lysne]

Hang in there! You've got a great kid, so you can always put your energy into him. Or the gym. Or that new bike. Just take good care of yourself, we're rooting for you.

 

Edit: By the way, last week I bought my plane ticket home. I'll be back within a couple of weeks. Time to get back to real life (part II), so it looks like I've got to start de-addicting to this place myself. We'll see!

[confuzd]

Lysne, Lysne, Lysne Oh sweet, sweet Lysne,

 

You are going to make your husband one happy man, I wish you the best of luck and I am very happy for you.

 

UPDATE:

I havent spoken to my wife in 4 days, I didn't call her and she hasn't called me, I was going out of my mind but it got easier as the days passed. well she came to get my son today when I saw her I told her she looked nice and I gave her a hug and kiss on the cheek, she probably didnt know what I was going to do considering the only time we don't speak is if we are mad. So she probably thought I was mad.

 

Im not mad though I am just giving her the space she wanted, and by her not calling it tells me she really does want it. I told her that I still loved her (I know big mistake) but she did not seem upset by it, normally when I say things like that she will look in my eyes as if to search for sincerity as she did this time.

 

I also told her that I love her for who she is, I said I love the woman who is standing in front of me at this very moment.

I asked her if she was enjoying her space and she said "I don't know about enjoying it but its been alright" ooookay. I also probably messed up, but I said that if she is still involved with the OM that I totally understand.

 

Many of you will get pissed off at this comment but, I needed her to know, that i am the bigger person. My wife is having a midlife crisis right now, and is on some kind of life journey. She is in the dark and does not know what she is doing. If I love her the way I say I do, I will not abandon her. I will back off and let her bump her head in the dark but I will not abandon her. If she is with the OM, which she says she isn't, then there is nothing I can do about that, It will end and when she comes out of the fog she will be that much more appreciative of the fact that i was there for her when she needed me the most.

 

 

She kind of got upset but not really she just said "Im not even gonna commment because your just gonna believe what you want too"

 

as they were getting ready to leave I asked her if she wanted to do something sometime maybe catch a movie, she said yeah, as if she was glad I offered, and said maybe this weekend. That was nice to hear.

 

she gave me a hug before she left which was also nice.

 

as she walked out she asked if I could watch my son on monday because she has to get up very early on tuesdays I paused and said after some thought, please don't make a fool out of me.

 

 

lthe last time she asked me to do the same thing and turns out she was at that OM's house. I will be damned if I watch my son so she can spend the night with another man.

 

She got mad and said she does not know what Im talking about, obviously she does. She just said fine Ill just drop him off. I tried to calm her down and tell her I didn't mean any harm but she left.

 

 

well I got a call at 8pm and she wanted to apologize for the ways she walked out of the house.

 

I was initially going to call her to apologize but I thought it would come across as needy.

 

I simply told her that she didn't need to apologize and that I should actually have been the one to apologize.

 

She asked why, and I said because I never shouldve even brought it up. I said I just didn't want to be made a fool of again, but I still shouldn't have brought it up. I also told her that I was appreciative that she was brave enough to call and apologize.

 

after that I made an attempt to get off the phone but she continued to conversate about t.v shows, and just conversational material.I told her that the time she is spending in the gym is paying off and she said yeah what do you mean. I told her that she looks really good in her clothes. I conversated with her a little longer, then I talked to my son, for a bit and got back on the phone with her.

 

we talked for another minute and I ended the call.

 

 

I guess backing off and giving her her space is working, I didn't know what she was doing or why she didn't want to call me but I am glad that she is calling now.

 

I suspect though that she only is calling because she knows I don't have my son, and I am free to do what I please. Last week she was free and didn't call, maybe she just wanted to make me wonder, or maybe she just really needed her space to think about stuff

 

Who knows the real reason, Im just glad that she called to apologize and wanted to talk.

 

I will continue with backing off, and not initiating the phone calls for now, If I see her reaching out to make a reconciliation I may come a little closer and try to meet her partially.

[Mike1966]

confuzed,

 

How are you, my friend? I haven't posted on your thread lately but just did a little catching up.

 

I'm really proud of you. You continue to prove your love for your wife over and over. Some on the board will chide you for it but I'll tell you I'm proud of you and that it shows commitment. In reality, it really doesn't matter what has happened in the past, if she truly wants victory over this crap and will take the necessary steps to get over it, AND you can truly forgive her, there is hope.

 

Unfortunately in my situation my wife's "i don't love you anymore" comment and "I don't know what I want" are wearing me down. That and the fact that she has mentioned moving forward with divorce a handful of times..........................I guess I'm just not as emotionally tough as I need to be. I've pretty much lost that "feeling" of love for her, though I LOVE her (the verb, you know) and would be committed to making it work if she was.

 

Anyway.............I'll be praying for you tomorrow morning when I meet with the Lord and hope your wife gets over her selfishness and is able to see a great guy standing before her that she'll regret the rest of her life if she doesn't make things work.

 

Best wishes to you.

[confuzd]

thanks for the words mike,

 

Im sorry to hear your losing that feeling, we all go through that. I wouldn't necessarily say your losing love you may just be getting numb. I went through that as well, I lost all hope and then I found inspiration and kept on going

 

I have to tell you that my inspiration really came from reading the many success stories on the Divorcebusting website.

 

you should really pick a few out of the archives and follow them from beginning to end.

 

I thought my wifes affair was the end but after reading the stories, I realized that it was not over.

 

there are stories of guys whose wives left them, moved in with the other man, said it was over, there is no chance in he!! we will get back together. They found mr right, the kids love the new man and on and on.

 

guess what story after story, they end up reconciling and are better than ever.

 

It is all about how far you are willing to go.

 

I am willing to go the distance, I was not with my wife when she was desperately trying to save our marriage, so I am with her now as she goes through her Midlife crisis.

 

they have a great section on that website about midlife crisis's I will try to cut and paste some keypoints here, I think alot of people on this board could use alot more positivity, such as from people like Lysne, and yourself.

 

all opinions are respected but in times like this people need as much hope as they can get, I now feel like if you have hope you should hold on to it, and find more.

 

In the end I truly believe you will get your wife back, if you are willing to back off, read the signs and just be patient.

 

this is a bold statement, but I will get my wife back. I can feel it in my soul. It may come across as if I don't want to take peoples advice but at the end of the day it is not about anyone but myself, and my family.

 

tomorrow is my anniversary, and I will be sad but I will make it through.

 

I have a gift that I will give her but I will just leave it on her door, then I will back away again.

 

Today we acutally had good conversation, she was interested in my day, and I asked her for her opinion on lots of things. I made her feel respected.

 

We are still not where I want to be or even close. But we will be one day that I am sure of.

 

How I know, I have no idea I just know. I wish you knew the same thing because I truly believe you can have your wife back if you just had the willpower to suck off the pain.

[lysne]

Thanks Confuzd. When I left the house a couple months ago in the heat of the revelations I honestly had no intention of ever going back, but my H also took a 'never-say-die' attitude. So it just goes to show that 'divorce-busting' can work.

 

You have never faltered in your determination, or been swayed by others, and I respect that so much. I am impressed not just by how forgiving you are, but also your sense of self. You have never let anyone define who you are, including your wife or her transgressions, and that is true self knowledge.

 

I admit that I have been afraid for you, Confuzd, afraid that you might not get what you want, even if your wife comes back. But that is something that only you can know and feel. Why should we be afraid for you, when you are so brave yourself. You are not a broken person, even after all of this. Most of us could only wish to have a fraction of the strength and character that you have shown.

 

For someone that doesn't usually believe in superstition, I DO believe absolutely in intuition and gut feelings regarding relationships. And if you know that you and your wife will make it, and it will be worth it, then what can you do but act on that. You have shown that you're a survivor.

 

I also believe that if one has the patience, perserverence, and love of Jesus F. Christ himself (and I think you have more!!) then you can actually mold a willing partner, provided she loves you, through that kind of caring, compassion, and leadership. And I think you feel that your wife DOES love you underneath everything. Which may be all you need to know. So, I truly hope and wish the best for you both.

 

Happy (bittersweet) anniversary.

[confuzd]

Thanks Lysne,

 

I hope this isn't the end of your support here, but I understand you have a future full of great times to tend to, I would love to hear some updates on how things are working. If not we will miss you

 

UPDATE:

Well today was my anniversary, I was off work today, and actually was in pretty good spirits. I took my son and his friend to the outlet mall to go back to school shopping, this boy is remarkable, he is always telling me he loves me, I tell him I love you more, and he will reply that is not possible. This 7 year old truly amazes me.

 

I will probably take him and his friend to six flags tomorrow, since the summer is almost over.

 

So now for the wifey, well being the man that I am I could not go without getting her at least something, but what I got her will probably shock you, I got her a jar of peanut butter and jelly and a loaf of bread. It the goober peanut butter you know the one that has peanut butter and jelly combined.

 

Heres the history on that:

As you know if you followed my depressing saga, that me and my wife met in basic training, yes the Air Force is much different than other branches of service, then we wen to Tech school together. Tech shool is where everyone goes after basic to learn their assigned job. We lucked out and both our schools were at the same base. It was fate.

 

Well we courted and grew close, in tech shool we are given three meals a day, but if you miss them you have to fend for yourself. Well we were spending time together one day and lost track of time and missed dinner, We both had no money at all so we couldnt even go buy a pizza. My wife girlfriend at the time, is and was hypoglycemic, if she doesnt eat she will get very nauseaus and sick. Well she was having an episode and I had to do something for her. I rememberd I had some goober peanut butter and jelly, and bread.

 

So I ran back to my room, put it in a little black portfolion and brought it back and we both ate PB&J for dinner. She later told me that this is when she realized she loved me.

 

So now you see the symbolism of the PB&J.

 

so I put the PB&J and bread in a black portfolio, just like the one I used 9 years ago, and I left it at her door.

 

she got off work and called me, She asked what I was doing, and we just small talked.

 

by the sound of her voice something was wrong, I asked what and she said nothing, I told her that I would not judge her or offer advice, but that I jus t want her to know that she can talk to me about anything. Well she never divulged so I switched the topic and had good light hearted conversation.

 

I could tell that she just wanted to be on the phone with me. Well she came by the house and got my son, we talked for a bit and I pulled something that I had learned.

 

I told her to give me her hands, she gave them to me and I took them and examined them, then I told her to clasp her hands together.(like the way you do if your praying) then I told her raise her two pointer fingers, (she was very curious at this point). So now her hands are clasped together and her two pointer fingers up. I touched the two fingers and said "do you see how one is a little longer than the other" she said "yeay" I said this finger represents me and the other represents you, this represent me and you and the way god brought us together, we were very close and tight like these two fingers. then I told her to separate the two fingers, she did and I said, "somewhere along the line the devil crept in and separated us, and our lives went into a whirl wind, then I started twirling my finger around her two separated fingers. as I continued to twirl I said "eventually the whirlwind will stop" and I slowed down the twirling then I came to a complete stop and her fingers were back together again, as I said "and we will be together again as god intended us to be from the beginning"

 

She looked at me and smiled. I gave her a hug and she left.

 

I mentioned nothing about anniversary or anything.

 

she called me when she got home, and was smiling over the phone, she said the PB&J was very sweet. she said I went all out by getting the black portfolio.

 

I said yeah it came from my heart, I said I hope it was not too much. She replied what do you mean. I said "before you told me that if it comes from my heart then it is not too much" she said "yeah" so I said "I hope it wasnt too much because it came from my heart" she said "no its not toot much"

she was still very bothered by something, I asked are you sure you don't want to talk about what is bothering you, she said she will be alright.

 

It seemed as if she wanted to talk for a while but I ended the conversation, I always try to end the conversation first. I said well I hope you have a really good night, she said you too.

 

I could sit here and analyze what is bothering her but I really have no clue and it is probably not going to do any good for me to worry about it. I will continue to work on myself and making myself a better person and someone that my wife can see herself with in the future.

 

Slow and steady wins the race.

[confuzd]

well interesting development,

 

My wife just called me from work, which she has not done in I don't know how long, Heck she barely calls at all.

 

I asked what was up and she said the people at work were getting on her nerves, I asked who and she just said everybody, I asked a couple of names and she said no not them, and I said who and she just said everyone.

 

So I just said, well that sucks.

 

Then she went on to tell me that she really appreciated the PB&J yesterday, she said it was very thoughtful, especially that I gave it to her yesterday (anniversary).

 

I forgot to mention that I gave her a cd with one song on it, AUSTIN by blake shelton. Im not a huge country fan, mostly I like slow R&B but these country songs seem to be made for people in our my situation.

 

She said she listened to the CD on the way to work, and that it was very sweet.

 

She said all of this with out me asking anything, I was just on the phone listening the whole time.

 

I told her that there are many songs that express the way I feel but I thought that one just was perfect, it was either between that or "wait for you" by elliott yamin

 

here is the link to austin if anyone hasn't heard it and wants to listen for free just click Austin

 

and here is the link to Wait For you just click the song on the page

 

she said she loves that song by Elliott Yamin, I said next time you hear it know that I am dedicating it to you. She said AWW that's sweet.

 

She said well that is all for now, I said okay. End of call

 

 

This is a major development, she was obviously thinking about me and found it necessary to call to tell me how much she appreciated all the stuff.

 

I think the key to it all was that I just gave with no expectations of anything in return. Anniversary was not even mentioned. I left it on her door, If I gave it in person she probably would've felt bad that she didn't have anything to give back to me.

 

Unconditional love with no expectations can speak volumes. True love is about giving, when you can give from your heart and show that you don't need any validation or expect anything, it is undeniable and will not go unseen.

 

normally I would've made her feel bad for not getting me anything, or I would've brought up the fact that I felt so bad that this was happening on our anniversary. I did none of that.

 

No other man can hold a flame to me, No other man will show her the unconditional love that I show.

 

If there is another man, I do say If. He will screw himself in the long run. He will definitely have expectations for some kind of reciprocation for his nice deeds.

 

patience is definitely a virtue, and time is on my side.

[sIZE=-1][/sIZE]

[CaliGuy]

This is a major development, she was obviously thinking about me and found it necessary to call to tell me how much she appreciated all the stuff.

 

This is a good step, but try and keep things in perspective and don’t put too much weight into what she says. It's what she does that is most important. People can do and lie often, but their actions never do. Keep things on an even keel (not too high, not too low).

 

I think the key to it all was that I just gave with no expectations of anything in return. Anniversary was not even mentioned. I left it on her door, If I gave it in person she probably would've felt bad that she didn't have anything to give back to me.

 

This is also a good step in understanding how to be a balanced man and not a door mat. Balanced men give with no expectations. Door mats give with the expectation of receiving in return.

 

Unconditional love with no expectations can speak volumes. True love is about giving, when you can give from your heart and show that you don't need any validation or expect anything, it is undeniable and will not go unseen.

 

Agape is the word you are seeking. Agape speaks of unconditional love. You can love a hot dog, your car or your baseball team but it's not AGAPE love.

 

normally I would've made her feel bad for not getting me anything, or I would've brought up the fact that I felt so bad that this was happening on our anniversary. I did none of that.

 

That's what door mat men do. They would make someone feel bad for not "returning the favor." Continue on the path you are on. You have to love yourself before you will know how to truly love others in return.

 

No other man can hold a flame to me, No other man will show her the unconditional love that I show.

 

Don't fool yourself with this train of thinking. Love is not a logical emotion. Always remember that. What she feels love is right now may be vastly different than what you feel love is. You can love her to your hearts content but that does not mean she will feel the same was as you do. The fact is she is pulling away from you. The more you try and bring her back to you (by deeds and words) the more in reality you will push her away. Do communicate with her but make sure she knows that you will be fine if she decides to walk away. I personally believe you are not giving her enough space. I also believe that you talk to her too much and that you are far too often at her beck and call. You need to show her your independence. You need to show her you are not dependent on her love for your survival.

 

If you remember in the book "Love Must Be Tough" it explains why pulling away when he/she pulls away is the best thing to do. She is feeling "caged" in to your relationship. She needs to feel FREE to love you. That is impossible to do when you are pushing her back into your "cage of love."

 

If there is another man, I do say If. He will screw himself in the long run. He will definitely have expectations for some kind of reciprocation for his nice deeds.

 

A. There already is another man. You know that.

B. You don't know how he is treating her. He may be playing hard to get. How do you even know how he is treating her?

 

Your wife right now is very confused. But I can tell you that she knows who you are but does not really know the new guy that well.

 

patience is definitely a virtue, and time is on my side.

 

Maybe. Maybe not. The only thing you can do right now is take care of yourself and your needs as well as the needs of your son. You can not control your wife or what she does. The best you can do is let her see what life would be like without you and let her make that decision. Or, you could make it for her and choose to move on with your life. With or without her.

[jmargel]

I couldn't have said it better myself, CaliGuy.

 

She is just testing the waters to see if you are still around and to see how much more she can play in your life.

 

You can't win her back and in all reality why would you want to? Too many beautiful, intelligent, loving women out there. By holding onto this, looking for tidbits you are preventing some woman out there that would be truly happy with you. Think of that woman out there that has been waiting.

 

Sounds like it's going to take a long time, but eventually you will come to the realization that your happiness is more important than trying to get back with this woman. Even if you get her back momentarily you are just setting yourself up for more drama in the future. Life is too short for that. Start doing things that make YOU happy. Chasing someone like this is not being happy.

[confuzd]

good advice Cali guy,

 

I haven't been initiating conversation much lately and have really been backing off more than ever,

 

Its kind of hard when I see her everyday when she picks up my son.

 

Yes I know there was another guy, but she says its over thats why I say if. I really don't care what he is doing (okay maybe a little) if there is still anybody doing anything, and yes love is not a logical emotion, but it is a very temporary emotion. Soon enough "love" will fade, and logic will creep in. real "Love" takes work, and is a choice. The initial butterflies we all mix up with love is just infatuation.

 

and you are also right JMARGEl, she may be testing the water, to me that is a good thing, Its actually what I want her to do. She will see that the water is fine, and will eventually jump in.

 

as far as another woman, I know I could have another woman, that is not the issue. I don't want another woman, if I did I would have several by now. I am not pursuing her strongly anymore, but I am still showing interest. It may not come across in my posts but I have really backed off, when she calls I always end the conversation first, and I do not call or text her anymore.

 

It seems to be working because she is now doing things that she never would've done before, at times like this I have to focus on the positives and appreciate the small baby steps. it is the law of attraction at its truest definition. Whatever you think about and focus on you will manifest into your life.

 

may just be a bunch of crap but it seems to ring true.

 

Thanks for the input.

[CaliGuy]

good advice Cali guy,

 

I haven't been initiating conversation much lately and have really been backing off more than ever,

 

Its kind of hard when I see her everyday when she picks up my son.

 

Make yourself scarce when she comes by. Be busy with your life and don't give her too much of your time or attention. You are over-doing with affection. Affection she is not ready or open to at the moment.

 

Yes I know there was another guy, but she says its over thats why I say if. I really don't care what he is doing (okay maybe a little) if there is still anybody doing anything,

 

Again, she says it is over but you have no proof of that. In fact you were just saying the other day you will not watch your son while she spends time with the other man.

 

and yes love is not a logical emotion, but it is a very temporary emotion. Soon enough "love" will fade, and logic will creep in. real "Love" takes work, and is a choice. The initial butterflies we all mix up with love is just infatuation.

 

Incorrect. There is never LOGIC involved in the emotion of love. Never, ever. Men equate love to logic but women do not. The longer you hold on to this notion that love is a logical emotion the longer you will stay confused and be unable to properly handle your wife.

 

and you are also right JMARGEl, she may be testing the water, to me that is a good thing, Its actually what I want her to do. She will see that the water is fine, and will eventually jump in.

 

as far as another woman, I know I could have another woman, that is not the issue. I don't want another woman, if I did I would have several by now. I am not pursuing her strongly anymore, but I am still showing interest. It may not come across in my posts but I have really backed off, when she calls I always end the conversation first, and I do not call or text her anymore.

 

Personally I think it would be a good idea for you to hang out with other women. Maybe not date, but start immersing yourself in the opposite sex. Ask their opinion on love and love as a LOGICAL emotion. Ask a woman to explain WHY she loves a man. I bet you it will be difficult for them to do. They can't even explain themselves most of the time.

 

 

It seems to be working because she is now doing things that she never would've done before, at times like this I have to focus on the positives and appreciate the small baby steps. it is the law of attraction at its truest definition. Whatever you think about and focus on you will manifest into your life.

 

may just be a bunch of crap but it seems to ring true.

 

It's far to early in the process to know exactly what direction things are headed in. If I were you, I would prepare for the worst and hope for the best. It might be a good idea for you to see an Attorney just in case.

 

I woud also recommend a Counselor as well. They can help you through the steps of this relationship to help you see things more clearly so that you can make the best decisions for you and your son.

[confuzd]

Love is not an emotion, True love is created and maintained and is very logical (true love that is).

 

Infatuation is not logical but Love is very logical, Love is a choice. Eventually the feelings of infatuation fade and that is when you have to choose to continue to love that person, or to part ways, a very logical decision.

 

I've read "love must be tough" you should read "the 5 love languages" by Gary Chapman, it really is a great book.

 

 

 

UPDATE:

 

So,

 

yesterday like i said she called me during work, and she called me twice at about 4 to tell me that she would be working til five because her replacement was running late, I missed her calls but she texted also,so I just replied okay.

 

Well she got to my house at about 5:45 and was in her gym clothes, Normally I would not have thought much about it, and in the past I never would've questioned it but in this situation I couldn't control my urge, It is hard to get victory over certain urges.

 

So I just nicely asked why she had on gym clothes, she said that she wanted to get out of her uniform so she changed. I could see that she was bothered and it immediately created tension in the air, at that point she told my son to get ready so they could leave.

 

I could tell though that the conversation would not have gone sour if I had shut my mouth and controlled that urge, sometimes its hard to do what you know you should.

 

well, we talked a bit and i asked If everything was alright and she said she didn't appreciate me questioning her about her gym clothes, I said yeah your right, I was just wondering why you had them on. She said you know there was more to that question than just that, I said yeah your right I apologize.

 

Anyways on the way home I gave her a call and apologized again, and said its just that there are certain things that just don't add up in my head, I know I should've just kept it to myself but sometimes its hard.

 

She then asked me what I wanted to know, I said I didn't want to go into it because it would just cause an argument, and she insisted on me asking what I was unsure of

 

So I asked about certain situations on how she ended it with the other man, and why things happened the way they did. We talked and it got heated then it ended very positively. It was a long conversation but I'll highlight the key points.

 

*She said it is definitely over with the other man.

*She said that she was considering working on our relationship, but everytime she considers it I alway do something like this to show that I will never let it go and will always hold it against her.

I told her that that was not the case and that this is the first time in a while that I have brought it up, and that I didn't want to but you asked me too.

*We discussed the five love languages, and I determined that her love languages, were affectionate words, and quality time, she said that she thinks mine are physical touch and affectionate words, we were both right.

*we talked about how we should love eachother, and what we were doing wrong in our relationship,

*we talked about starting back as friends, and not jumping into anything

*We talked about things that hurt her in the past, and how to not do those things anymore

*we talked about the normality of couples arguing, but discussed more the way we handled arguments in the past was unhealthy.

 

It was a great conversation, It started off bad but ended good, I did ask her why didn't she just tell me that she was reconsidering and wanted to give me another chance, I asked did you just not want me to know. She said yeah, she didn't want me to know yet, she was still trying to see if my changes were real.

 

Fortunately for me I have remained consistent for quite a while, and this was my first slip up in a while.

 

I also mentioned during the conversation, that I miss the way she would come upstairs and give me a hug in the morning when she would drop off my son,

 

Guess what this morning she woke me up and gave me a hug.

 

I am expecting some backslides on her part, and I will not get over excited in her presence. But I know these are great steps toward reconciliation.

 

If anyone is actually going through a situation like mine, just remember to give space, yet let her know that you still are there for her because you love her, and for no other reason. Wait and be patient, in situations like this time is your best friend, this is not something that can be rushed. Find hope and inspiration whereever you can, and block out all negativity. Negativity will only make you question yourself and your desire to continue fighting the good fight.

 

There is no rule on how much contact, the only rule is to do what works, and you can gauge this by her reactions. If she is meeting your attempts with hostility, then back up even more.

 

If she seems as if she wants more then give her a little more, but never overdo it to either extreme.

 

Bask in your successess, and learn from your setbacks, pick yourself up and get back on track.

 

Confuzd.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

Hey confuzd (or more accurately "not-so-confuzd now" ) I am 100% with you and Lysne.

 

I appreciate the good intentions of CaliGuy and jmargel but get the impression that they are projecting their own experiences on your situation. Because you are the person that you are, you recognise this, thank them for their input and gently remind them that your situation is just that....YOURS.

 

Once again good luck but, like me, I don't think you will need luck. Unconditional love will win out in the end as we put our own needs to one side while we figure out where we failed to meet the needs of the person we love and then wait for them to trust that we have figured it out .

[Yernasia Quorelios]

...if your ex turns out to be a lost cause (i.e. You don't really love them. You cannot truly love someone who has no concern for your feelings or well-being although you can believe that you truly love them.) then none of the above applies.

 

If you truly love someone, then whether or not they come back to you is moot. The only important thing to you is that they are happy.

[lysne]

Are you kidding? This is invaluable, hands-on information we're all learning here, they just don't teach you this stuff in school. Not to mention I'm invested in your story Confuzd and I'm pulling for you. I'll be around, just out of commission for a little while - I have some friends coming over from the States to do some traveling for a week and then I head home.

 

I'm so pleased that you and your wife finally did some real talking again. It's been so long. She's very reactionary still, but that's the sign of someone that doesn't feel 'safe.' And I think that part of that insecurity stems from herself and knowledge that if you get back together she's going to have to face the music eventually - she just doesn't want to face it from the position of a convicted criminal but rather a 'prodigal daughter.' She needs to feel that her past pain is equally important since it is as yet (to her) unresolved.

 

I don't think she can start to acknowledge the pain she has caused you until she feels 'safe' that you accept hers and won't cause it anymore. That you love her and are able to forgive truly, so that resentment doesn't translate into emotionally abusive behavior later on. From afar it looks as though your wife has some real chutzpah to get snippy or be making demands in the wake of her own deceptions, but right or wrong aside, she hears your questions as accusatory, and just doesn't have the emotional security right now to step up and deal with her own wrongdoing. I sincerely hope for your sake that this will change over time.

 

I'm off tomorrow, so best wishes and until next time, take care.

[CaliGuy]

I appreciate the good intentions of CaliGuy and jmargel but get the impression that they are projecting their own experiences on your situation. Because you are the person that you are, you recognise this, thank them for their input and gently remind them that your situation is just that....YOURS.

 

Every situation is unique. All anyone can draw from is their own experiences. But if you notice, I refer to Love Must Be Tough quite often simply because Dr. Dobson has done extensive research on couples with the exact same issues that confuzd is dealing with and the advice he gives is spot on.

 

As for Love being logical, I will never agree with that. If love was logical, people would not divorce or experience heartbreak. There would never be infidelity either.

 

Love, as with most emotions, are never logical.