will my wife ever come back to me

[CaliGuy]

What BS. This is *not* about him changing, it's about her cheating. As she cheated on him she continued to lay blanket statements on him, it's a very well known tactic that cheaters use. They use it to defuse from facing the consequences of their actions and also try to justify it in their messed up heads on why it's ok to cheat.

 

She is the one who should be PROVING to him that she is trustworthy. She continues to play this game with him and he is allowing it. A couple of others, along with myself have pointed it out to him on her tactics and why she is doing this. He refuses to see the truth and continues to allow himself to be blinded by her games.

 

Agreed. And she didn't cheat once, she cheated twice. This is what is generally referred to as a PATTERN. She is showing a pattern of cheating when she doesn't get what she feels she is supposed to be getting from the relationship. This isn't so much of an issue with Confuzd. It's her own insecurities and selfishness that causes her to act this way.

 

I don't believe she is mature enough to be able to handle a committed, monogamous relationship. At least not right now.

 

The percentage that a couple has once they remarried each other a second time is extremely low. Too much taint, betrayal, resentment and issues come into play.

 

Agreed. I believe the reasons for second chances not working out, marriage or dating, is simply that once trust is blown it's quite difficult to rebuild. There will always be distrust and resentment.

 

How do you live your life wondering when they're going to cheat again? I would rather not have to deal with that.

 

The main issue that keeps being glossed over here is simply that Confuzd is ready, willing and able to work on the relationship. He is putting in 100% effort to try and make it work. His wife, on the other hand, doesn't seem to be putting much if anything into the relationship. In order for this relationship to be repaired and last, both of them have to be dedicated 100% to success. All it takes is one partner putting in less than 100% and it WILL fail. No ifs, ands or butts.

 

And there once was a very wise man by the name of Albert Einstein who said 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results'. That's what he is doing and that is what he is getting. The run-around. However his lack of making the decision to move ahead with his life will eventually catch upto him when his wife gets tired of stringing him along and then just ditches him. He will then come on here and ask why did she do this when he *thought* things were getting better.

 

At some point one has to stop beating a dead horse, grab his bags and walk alone. The question is at what point does Confuzd feel he has done enough? I totally agree that he should make an effort. I have stated in the past that he needs to set a deadline for her to "poop or get off the pot" so to speak. She can not continue to ride the fence. She is being indifferent which as we all know is the opposite of love, not hate.

 

And it's because of her attitude, immaturity and selfishness. It is also about his lack of respect towards himself and when you tolerate such abuse that is what you will continue to get. Women love confidence, that's one of the things they adore about us males. He's not showing any of it, he's rolling over and piddling. Confidence is standing upto someone without the use of fear. Stand up for yourself already man!

 

Agreed 100%. She does not respect Confuzd. She treats him like dirt, he keeps coming back. She has nothing to lose because she knows that no matter how badly she messes up, he will come running back to her. If he wants her respect he sets an ultimatum. SHOW me that you're ready to give 100% to this relationship or I will walk away and find someone who will.

 

As long as you continue to chase her she will keep pulling that string. It's time for her to face the consequences of her cheating. She's just given you reasons and excuses on why she's done it. IMO I still think she is testing the waters with that guy or another man.

 

Again I agree. He is not 100% sure she's ended it with the other man. As I have said many times, words mean nothing, actions mean everything. Her words belay her actions. Until the two coincide I personally believe he should take his ball and walk away with what little self-respect he has remaining.

 

People refuse to walk away from bad relationships because they feel like they're never going to find someone to love them. But when you're stuck on someone who is not proving they love you at all, what do you have to lose? In Confuzd's case, nothing. She doesn't seem to be putting 100% into the relationship and he's continuing to pursue someone who in reality doesn't really want to be pursued. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She has the new man and she has Confuzd at her beck and call.

 

Confuzd, again, I am not saying go file the divorce papers just yet, but I would suggest you put your foot down and tell her you're not going to tolerate this any longer. Either she gets it in gear or you're walking.

 

And if you tell her this, be darn well prepared to follow through or your ultimatum will mean nothing to her (and any ounce of respect she has left for you will be gone.)

 

Best of luck, my friend.

[confuzd]

I've been on vacation last week so I didn't get a chance to respond to any posts.

 

 

 

What BS. This is *not* about him changing, it's about her cheating. As she cheated on him she continued to lay blanket statements on him, it's a very well known tactic that cheaters use. They use it to defuse from facing the consequences of their actions and also try to justify it in their messed up heads on why it's ok to cheat.

your missing the boat here big time, it is not about her cheating, in situations like this the cheating is a symptom of the problem, the problem was the way I treated her. She did not have to cheat and was wrong for doing so, but it is not the focus here, If you can't get past that you will never see the underlying problems. I can't allow myself to get hung up on that. this issue will be handled in time

 

She is the one who should be PROVING to him that she is trustworthy. She continues to play this game with him and he is allowing it. A couple of others, along with myself have pointed it out to him on her tactics and why she is doing this. He refuses to see the truth and continues to allow himself to be blinded by her games.

this is the kind of attitude that causes marriages to never be saved, Im right your wrong instead of working on what can be done to make improvements. Been there done that got the shirt.

 

 

The percentage that a couple has once they remarried each other a second time is extremely low. Too much taint, betrayal, resentment and issues come into play.

 

And there once was a very wise man by the name of Albert Einstein who said 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results'.

not really, I have made many changes since I started, and the results are becoming quite different. but we see only what we wish.

 

 

That's what he is doing and that is what he is getting. The run-around. However his lack of making the decision to move ahead with his life will eventually catch upto him when his wife gets tired of stringing him along and then just ditches him. He will then come on here and ask why did she do this when he *thought* things were getting better.

no comment, what's the point,

 

 

 

And it's because of her attitude, immaturity and selfishness. It is also about his lack of respect towards himself and when you tolerate such abuse that is what you will continue to get. Women love confidence, that's one of the things they adore about us males. He's not showing any of it, he's rolling over and piddling. Confidence is standing upto someone without the use of fear. Stand up for yourself already man!

piddling, Lol. Yeah im in a corner in the fetal position.

 

As long as you continue to chase her she will keep pulling that string. It's time for her to face the consequences of her cheating. She's just given you reasons and excuses on why she's done it. IMO I still think she is testing the waters with that guy or another man.

not chasing and havent been for a while now.

 

 

Things are not going to change in the long-term because she will not goto counseling and willing to commit to getting this marriage to work.

this is a clear example that you are not even paying attention, we have a counseling appt scheduled for next week.

 

She continues to dance around the situation and the issues that are at hand. Do you honestly see yourself with her in 5 to 10 years?

of course I'd hate to be single and bitter, dooming everyone to a failed marriage.

 

You honestly think once you emotionally drain yourself just to get her to move back in with you that she will stay forever?

I will never get her to move back in, it will be her decision. or it won't happen

 

 

Relationships are not about this, you are trying to win her over but somewhere I believe you know deep in your heart that this is not going to work out unless major turnarounds happen.

yes and I see them happening, as well as people around me who know my situation. I can't be upset with you though because you can only interpret my situation from what I post, and relate it to your own situation. I understand that.

[jmargel]

your missing the boat here big time, it is not about her cheating, in situations like this the cheating is a symptom of the problem, the problem was the way I treated her. She did not have to cheat and was wrong for doing so, but it is not the focus here, If you can't get past that you will never see the underlying problems. I can't allow myself to get hung up on that. this issue will be handled in time

 

 

this is the kind of attitude that causes marriages to never be saved, Im right your wrong instead of working on what can be done to make improvements. Been there done that got the shirt.

 

 

 

not really, I have made many changes since I started, and the results are becoming quite different. but we see only what we wish.

 

 

 

no comment, what's the point,

 

 

 

 

piddling, Lol. Yeah im in a corner in the fetal position.

 

 

not chasing and havent been for a while now.

 

 

 

this is a clear example that you are not even paying attention, we have a counseling appt scheduled for next week.

 

 

of course I'd hate to be single and bitter, dooming everyone to a failed marriage.

 

 

I will never get her to move back in, it will be her decision. or it won't happen

 

 

 

yes and I see them happening, as well as people around me who know my situation. I can't be upset with you though because you can only interpret my situation from what I post, and relate it to your own situation. I understand that.

 

The cheating is just a manifestation of her immaturity, lack of communication and disrespect towards you. Deal with it in time? Come on. You are willing to push that issue onto the back burner just to get her back? The focus here is on her and what she continues to do to you. You have taken the blame for everything and submitting to all her wishes just like w/ the car payment.

 

To her, you are rolling over and piddling. No one with any ounce of respect for you would treat you this way. She can easily manipluate you and uses you for her own gain. That is not love. As for this counseling session do you honestly think she is going to go through with it? What about the first time when the counselor tells her she is wrong? Do you honestly think she will go back? Of course not, she'll use excuses to not go back, especially if the cheating comes up. She clearly doesn't want to talk through and work through the issues right now.

 

It's great you are making improvements, but do that for YOURSELF. Not her, not the marriage. Like Caliguy said you can make all the changes in the world but if she's not willing then it's not going to work out.

 

Us two are not here to bash you, we are hear to use our own experience and knowledge to help you come to a resolution as fast as possible. Go back about 10 pages and look at the dates you made those posts, and read what you have written. Has anything really substantially changed since then?

 

Her getting defensive about when you mentioned that other guy is a red flag that something is still going on.

[CaliGuy]

The cheating is just a manifestation of her immaturity, lack of communication and disrespect towards you. Deal with it in time? Come on. You are willing to push that issue onto the back burner just to get her back? The focus here is on her and what she continues to do to you. You have taken the blame for everything and submitting to all her wishes just like w/ the car payment.

 

To her, you are rolling over and piddling. No one with any ounce of respect for you would treat you this way. She can easily manipluate you and uses you for her own gain. That is not love. As for this counseling session do you honestly think she is going to go through with it? What about the first time when the counselor tells her she is wrong? Do you honestly think she will go back? Of course not, she'll use excuses to not go back, especially if the cheating comes up. She clearly doesn't want to talk through and work through the issues right now.

 

It's great you are making improvements, but do that for YOURSELF. Not her, not the marriage. Like Caliguy said you can make all the changes in the world but if she's not willing then it's not going to work out.

 

Us two are not here to bash you, we are hear to use our own experience and knowledge to help you come to a resolution as fast as possible. Go back about 10 pages and look at the dates you made those posts, and read what you have written. Has anything really substantially changed since then?

 

Her getting defensive about when you mentioned that other guy is a red flag that something is still going on.

 

Unfortunately I think in Confuzd's case, it's going to take more pain for him to reach the threshold of respect.

 

He's not quite at his lowest point yet.

 

When he gets there and realizes that he's being used and abused and taken for a ride, then and only then will he put his foot down, man up and do something drastic.

 

Right now unfortunately I just don't think he's seeing 20/20.

 

I'm not a doomsayer, Confuzed and neither is JMargel. It's just that we can see things from a different, and dare I say, more healthy perspective.

 

Read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" to understand how your behavior won't bring her back. In fact, what you're doing right now might be putting the final nail in the coffin.

 

Suffice to say things may end up in divorce regardless of what you do. In that case, why do what is best for you and your son and take whatever dignity you have left and show her some REAL tough love?

 

Loving someone who isn't loving you is about the same as p*ssing in the wind. Neither accomplishes much. In order for things to work out she has to be 100% dedicated. And right now I'm willing to bet she's closer to 10%.

 

I wish you the best but really in your case, putting your foot down is about the best thing you can do. It may cause a little pain now but in the long run it's your best bet. You're an investor. You can understand the analogy. You have to spend money to make money. Deal with some pain now so you'll have less pain to deal with later.

 

Cheers.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

....and reiterate that the main reason that men get bitter about women is because they do not understand women. I believe that you do.

[confuzd]

....and reiterate that the main reason that men get bitter about women is because they do not understand women. I believe that you do.

 

thanks for the support YQ, I do agree. I think too much focus is being placed on my wifes actions, and people are forgetting the hurt I caused her. It is just to easy to blame her for our problems, but I remember the hurt I caused, I remember the nights she cried and I didn't support her, I remember the way she wanted our marriage to work.

 

People just don't understand, I would've cheated on my wife too had she treated me the way I treated her, and she would've deserved it.

 

I have to take responsiblity for my actions and can not put too much weight on her, there is a reason she did what she did, and I had alot to do with it.

 

I appreciate all the advice but it is no longer coming across as advice but more of trying to prove a point, it is one thing to state an opinion, but another to state you opinion as fact. It may have been fact in some cases but does not mean it will be fact in mine and that does not mean I am not seeing things clear, just that we are seeing things different.

 

I beleive people that have been burnt in this situation are not seeing clear or 20\20 as it has been put. but that is my opinion. all opinions are colored by our experiences, so many on this board more than others are seeing red.

 

the woman is automatically a trifling, cheating, whore, and no longer a woman who was hurt by the man she loved.

 

No I don't agree with the way she handled things, but I do understand. I don't have to agree nor does anyone else but I don understand.

 

we forget that the hurt she caused is just as great if not greater than the hurt I caused her. I see very clearly that my wife is coming around, others don't and probably because they don't want too, or because experience tells them it can't be possible.

 

It seems no matter what progress is made it will be made to seem unimportant, and insignifigant. months ago I would've dreamt of the day she would consider going to counseling, now she agrees and again it is made to seem like it will do no good. Just another example of stinking thinking

 

When all is said and done I hope to be "invited back to offer advice from a different standpoint and a different experience" one of success, happiness, and fulfillment. I know that this would totally threaten the beliefs of so many and will have to make people actually take a look at themselves and question why someone who went through the same thing, came out the other end with success, and they couldn't.

 

we all define success differently, but I don't need any one to support me on my way down to rock bottom, I would accept all the support to uplift me though. That is my definition of support. If I were ever to reach rock bottom it would definitely be with the help of some the negativity I have received.

 

Thank god for the supporters on LS though, I hope one day you will feel a sense of pride knowing that you helped someone through a hard time and helped them save a marriage, even if it was not through the offering of advice but through being supportive in a time of need. I can't say enough how much it means to have some one in your corner, the good fight is daunting enough as it is, with out people telling you that all is in vain.

 

Thanks for listening to my rant.

 

UPDATE:

got three calls yesterday from my wife, I didn't call her at all. the first call was to talk and by the way she dropped off the check for the car payment that she forgot about. we talked and I ended the call, she called back that night to see if I was on my motorcycle in the rain, I wasn't but thanked her for her concern, then we talked some more, then again she called before she went to sleep, another good conversation.

 

she came in this morning and woke me up with a hug and kiss as she dropped off my son.

 

I see progress, others see manipulation.

 

Confuzd.

[whichwayisup]

Noone can tell you what to feel, so if you feel like she is showing you (in words and actions) she CAN and IS trustworthy again, then go with it. Trust her until she shows you different.

 

All I'll say is, shield your heart abit...

[jmargel]

You want support, not advice. Like I said before go back 10-15 pages and see how she waffles from one extreme to the other. What happens when you two really have another big arguement? It's going to happen, it happens in every relationship. Is that going to push her back over the edge, or are you going to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life and take whatever she decides to give you (emotionally wise).

 

I don't post on here to prove anyone right or wrong, you come on here asking for advice and we give it. When I had my problem I got alot of advice some that I didn't want to read but wish I would have now taken.

 

Why is she going to counseling? Have you directly asked her? Was it to save the marriage? What is she expecting to get out of it? It's good that you two are going but you should at least be aware of those things.

 

IMO with you not dealing with her cheating right now it's going to create problems in the future. I hope you are direct and you really get down to the issues in this counseling. Don't use it as a way to 'win her back'. Use it to find resolution and answers.

[Xyane]

I have been following this story since the beginning and have refrained from commenting but I feel this thread appears to be getting away from the intended purpose. Which I gathered was ways, if possible, to get his wife back.

 

Confuzd started off in the BEGINNING totally devastated, hurt and definitely confused and a bit clueless too as to why she left. I commend you for coming a VERY long way, more that MOST GUYS are willing to go. Your love for your wife has come off as very genuine and very DEDICATED TO THE PROCESS of getting her back (which is NOT IMPOSSBLE, as many here appear to believe) the process obviously was going to take time and much DEDICATION on Confuzd part, which he has made very clear he is up for the task and in it for the long haul. Why anyone would suggest that he pack it up and move on or CONTINUE to treat his wife with a cold shoulder is beyond my comprehension. If you saw a paradise on the other side of a river of $h*t how many of you on this page would be willing to drag yourselves thru that river to get to that paradise. Stop for a moment and ask yourself, would you be willing to dive in head first and go for it or would you sit there thinking, it CAN’T be done??????? I am starting to see 2 guys on here that will be losing their paradise (oh wait, they already did) Now that could be a good thing for them because perhaps they are happier than ever and if that is so then that just proves that what they THOUGHT was their paradise really wasn’t. If he feels that his wife is his paradise who are we to tell him she is not????? We are NOT in his shoes, we do NOT feel what he feels (even though we have been thru similar situations it is NOT his situation and we were NOT dealing with HIS wife)

 

You know I use to be; well I actually still am, very skeptical about just about everything. I was talking to a dedicated church going person about heaven and hell and I asked him how he even knew for sure there was one. Why should I live my life not doing so-called sinful things (which some of them are soo fun, lol) only to die and that be it. The answer he gave me was “What if there is a heaven and hell, why would you NOT do the things to get into the better place” I really couldn’t answer it, so if there is a possibility for Confuzd and his wife to reconcile and have an even better life with stronger love WHY TRY TO DISCOURAGE HIM???

 

I know the two guys in question just put on their defense hats and are getting ready to type, but before you do let me say from one guy to another; I feel that the guy code and bond is still alive and well today and it is our way to help a fellow guy buck up and suck it up and tell that chick how it is and what we are no longer gonna stand for. However this Neanderthal way of thinking is perhaps the reason out divorce rate is so high today, hmmmmmm ever thought of that?

 

Now the reason a guy like me who, to a very small degree, agree with some of the Neanderthal way of thinking have changed most of my ways is because I was (Confuzd) and everyone (all my beer drinking, pool shooting, girl watching buddies) said dude you are free now, no more headaches, freedom and all that other empty shallow crap we guys get too caught up in. Now for some that life is the $h*t, but for me and OBVIOUSLY Confuzd it is NOT the lifestyle we seek any longer. I had that whole no contact thing with my wife after my inconsiderate, selfish actions for so long pushed her away, and yes it did make her call me but I realized that was just a game and why the heck am I STILL playing games with her? If I loved this woman and I have done a very POOR job of showing her in the past wouldn’t it just MAKE SENSE to STOP DOING WHAT PUSHED HER AWAY???????????? Now I am not saying kiss her a$$ and bend over backwards which Confuzd is clearly NO LONGER doing anymore, but express your love and SUPPORT (the definition for this word may need to be looked up for some) her.

 

His wife seems to be dealing with YEARS of hurt and while many may want to deal with her little fling and start pointing the finger at her, lets not forget, she moved out and made it clear that she was ready to move on. Now anything she does may seem wrong, but if I moved out and said I was done I would be damn if someone questioned what I did. Now because of Confuzd dedication to proving his mettle, she (it appears) is starting to recognize his changes and may be starting to open her heart up to him again. It may be opening VERY slowly, but if it is LET CONFUZED GET BACK INSIDE. Stop trying to fill him with BS about not giving his ALL. It appears that his ALL IS LOOOOONG OVERDUE. So if his all pays off FANTASTIC, it just goes to show you what one can achieve with a little dedication.

 

I went thru these very similar things as I said before and my Neanderthal ways started to kick in and it was so clear that my wife was pulling further and further away. Yes she had a little fling as well and yes I was PISSED, but she was gone and it was MY FAULT she was gone. So I set out to win her back. I did things very similar to what Confuzd is doing, right down to buying a bike and everything, and guess what 2 years later my wife and I are still going strong and guess what. OUR FOUNDATION IS STRONGER, because I now understand what she needs and will continue to give them to her and in return she does more for me than I ever dreamed. So hang in there Confuzd, I think you are right on track buddy.

 

One more thing, remember all my beer drinking buddies? Well they see how great things are between me and my wife that they begin following my suggestions and 4 of the 6 have DEASTICALLY improved their relationships/marriages. The other 2 are still hanging in the bar playing pool, drinking beer and talking about how it will all fall apart again, just watch and see. Well it’s been 2 years and we are all doing well so I guess they are the only 2 sitting there “Waiting to see…………” Don’t get me wrong, they are still my buddies, but they are the ones CONFUZD, lol. And I LOVE beer and pool so don’t get that twisted either, lol.

[jmargel]

No one is saying that Confuzed has no dedication or he doesn't want to make this marriage work. It's obvious that he does. The problem is that she has not stepped up to deal with the issues. It's like you have this garden which has this particular weed in it. Keep pulling the leaves off and it will grow back. What you need to do is get to the (root) of the problem and pull it out by that. However that requires a bit more work, alot more digging and you really need to get your hands dirty.

 

Confuzd is up for that task, however I don't believe his wife is. The first time she gets her hands dirty there is a good chance she's just going to walk away. It's going to take alot of soul searching and admitting to alot of what she has done wrong to even start working on the things. As long as he continues to take the blame for her behavior things will stay the same/get worse.

 

The problem here is that she doesn't respect him. Yes he might have neglected her in the past but she also neglected him. She was cheating on him for quite awhile and IMO could still be. She 'says' it's over yet there is no proof. She continues to live a seperate life however she keeps him in check by calling & texting him everyday. What she is doing is not showing devotion, not showing that she wants it to work.

 

Confuzd the only thing I can say at this point is to see how counseling goes. You will find out in a couple of weeks once this counseling gets into deeper parts whether or not she is willing to deal with the hard work of getting through this. However she's going to have to seriously put a 110% effort into this for it to work. I see you still doing way too much work while she sits back.

 

Remember above all else, actions speak louder than words. The first time she misses or decides to stop counseling then IMO you really need to just end it and move on. You can't keep trying to use different tactics to get someone to want you, even if it is just 'backing off'. You also have to honestly ask yourself what are you getting out of all of this.

 

I"m not saying be mean to her or even cold. What I am saying is to get a direct answer from her on what her intentions are. If you are afraid to ask her because you are afraid of her answer than right there that should tell you alot.

[Xyane]

It's obvious that he does. The problem is that she has not stepped up to deal with the issues. It's like you have this garden which has this particular weed in it. Keep pulling the leaves off and it will grow back. What you need to do is get to the (root) of the problem and pull it out by that. However that requires a bit more work, alot more digging and you really need to get your hands dirty.

 

You are absolutely correct Sir, I must admit I do love your support and dedication to protecting your fellow males heart. I'd get into a bar fight with you by myside anyday, lol.

 

The problem is her HURT!!!!! That is what caused this whole situation, now if you dig even deeper to figure out what caused the hurt (and I am referring now to the ROOT) you would find that problem to be CONFUZD because his actions caused her hurt. Now that we have dug up the problem lets start by replanting a solution, so that no more weeds grow.

 

Since Confuzd selfish actions caused the hurt it is going to take HIS ACTION to rebuild (what took years to tear down) She WILL eventually come back around and become nuturing and loving again (it's in their DNA), but she has to be shown WITHOUT DOUBT that it is SAFE for her to trust and believe again BEFORE she feels that it is now her turn to once again put forth her effort.

 

If you and I were running backs and I carried the team for years because I have love and heart for the team and the game and I was getting hammered on the field because you were missing blocks and doing a half-ass job, eventually the poundings I am taking would take it's toll on me and I would want to leave and go play for another team no matter how much I loved this team. Now you (with some encouragement from the coach) try to convince me to not sign on with another team. I, of course, don't believe you will ever pull your weight because I have seen your lazy ass miss tackles and blocks which have caused me many sore nights and I refuse to do it, so you tell me to just watch you play and you will show me what you could do. Now because I really do love my team and I really want to stay, I will let "YOU" prove it to me. I won't get in the game and help, but I will SOMETIMES come to the game and stand on the sideline and just watch. For several games now, you actually step it up and do very well. Now eventhough I have checked out other teams and even practiced with one, you are dedicated to proving to me that you will make your blocks and tackles from now on. One day I come to the game with my equippment on and you continue to do YOUR part. There is a good chance I would come back (regardless if I practiced with another team)because I would NOW have a kick ass back field/team because BOTH running backs give their ALL.

 

Confuzd is on track (just my opinion, since I have rebuilded my wifes heart) and I think his wifes calls and texts are NOT to keep him in check but to give him a another chance (sort of like standing on the sideline watching him play) If she was DONE why waste her time talking to him or texting him? (why even show up to his game) A woman that is DONE will make it clear. Her flip flopping ways, I know is what have you thinking she is just playing him, but could it be that she really wants her family back? Neither you nor I can say for sure, but what we can say for sure is that she is showing up for the game by taking the time out her day to call HIM and have good conversations with him for some reason. If he choose to not take these calls and move on because he ASSumes she is just playing him, he could be missing out on his SECOND CHANCE.

[CaliGuy]

The problem is her HURT!!!!! That is what caused this whole situation

 

With all due respect: BULL-FRICKEN-S***!

 

What I've come to realize after reading all of Confuzd's messages is that his wife has major communication issues.

 

Did Confuzd do something wrong? Sure. He is not innocent by any means. But as his wife, she should have the ability to sit him down and lay down the law.

 

Instead, she decided to go screw another man.

 

And that is HER way of dealing with her own inability to communicate. She has sex with men OTHER than her husband.

 

There is NO EXCUSE for that. PERIOD. NONE. NADA.

 

You guys are spending a ton of time defending his wife. His wife, the cheater. Confuzd, as far as I know, did not cheat on his wife. He had aspirations and goals of being able to provide his family a better life.

 

It was up to his wife to communicate to Confuzd that he was neglecting his family. I don't know that she was 100% effective in doing so. I think somewhere down the line she might have and where Confuzd messed up was not listening and making adjustments in time.

 

However, nothing anyone can ever say will justify cheating. NOTHING. That is absolutely inexcusable behavior.

 

Sorry, I'm not buying that his wife was hurt so badly that she had to seek the BED of another man. There are many different ways to rectify the situation.

 

Her lack of communication skills and inability to deal with VERY TYPICAL family issues is no freaking excuse to commit adultery.

 

I can't believe some of you are justifying his wife's actions.

 

Personally, Confuzd, my hat is off to you. If I was married and my wife cheated on me, there would be no freaking way I would take her back. Once you cross that line, any trust is lost and things will never be the same. There will always be that doubt, at least in my mind, that the minute something goes wrong, she'll do it again.

 

Maybe you can live with that lack of trust in a relationship. I certainly can't.

[CaliGuy]

I see progress, others see manipulation.

 

Confuzd.

 

Brother, when she starts earnestly attending marriage counseling with you, then I will see PROGRESS.

 

Have you set a date with the Counselor?

Has your wife asked you about it?

Does she seem motivated to go?

 

For the 100th time, actions speak much louder than words. Until you both resolve the demons that contributed to the demise of your marriage you are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past.

 

I'm not trying to rain on your parade, bro. I am trying to get you to realize that there is no progress until past issues are resolved.

 

Cheers.

[Xyane]

Brother, when she starts earnestly attending marriage counseling with you, then I will see PROGRESS.

 

For the 100th time, actions speak much louder than words. Until you both resolve the demons that contributed to the demise of your marriage you are doomed to repeat the mistakes of the past.

 

I'm not trying to rain on your parade, bro. I am trying to get you to realize that there is no progress until past issues are resolved.

 

Cheers.

 

Yeah Cali you are absolutely correct with regards to her needing to get past the demons that caused this behavior and no adultery is Not acceptable. And yes actions do speak louder than words. So let look at her actions: She says she's done, she emotionally detach herself, she goes and see a divorce lawyer and oh yeah SHE MOVES OUT!!!!!! her actions says it's over correct? So in her mind she is basically free to do whatever she wants. She obviously feels that she gave many years trying to get thru to Confuzd and he refused to listen so she bounced to do whatever she wants.

 

Now this drastic move wakes Confuzed up and he now realized just how much he truely loves his wife and decides to get his act together after first begging and becoming a big wuss in the BEGINNING.(obviously not the way to go) She doesn't buy any of his changes and is probably annoyed at his weakness and continues on with her drastic move to be done with him (actions still saying she is DONE)

 

Obviously Confuzd determination and due diligence in becoming a better husband has NOW started to sink in to her and she is actually starting to notice it. The begging little weak man is gone and he is still showing her his changes but on HIS terms now it seems. So now she calls 2-3 times a day, they are starting to have good conversations, and she agreed to go to counseling, now come on bro you gotta admit these ACTIONS are saying she may be considering coming back. I know everyone is hung up on the whole sex with the other guy thing, but she did that AFTER moving out and saying she was done. Now yeah I know technically there was no finalized divorce papers or anything, but come on dude, you know as well as i do that if it were you or I that left our wives because they treated us like crap for YEARS and we made it clear to our wives that we were sick of it and we were done and we went out and hooked up with some little hottie we met, in OUR mind we would be justified because we said it was over. Now if we started to notice the wives changing and becoming the type of wife she should be, because there is sooo much time between us, we MIGHT just give them a second chance. Which is where she could be right now.

 

Now if you noticed I said Might because I see you are VERY stubborn and don't take no $h!t. That type of attitude IMO has no place in a marriage because it leaves no room for forgiveness. Whatever you do don't go and contradict yourself and say you can be forgiving because I read on to see where you went on to say how your hat was off to Confuzd because you would not be able to forgive your wife if she did this stuff, by the way are you married?

 

I would love to team up with you sir and bash the heck outta what she may have done wrong in the relationship over the years and how she should have filed the divorce (which ONLY finalizes things legally) but the whole back and forth he did this and she did that, crap only prolongs the PROBLEM and does NOT work toward a SOLUTION. I truely feel that what Confuzd has done thus far is what has her, what appears to be, slowly coming around. (her ACTIONS)

 

He sounds like a guy that really tried to take great care of his wife and family and just like most of us guys, we feel that if we are getting her the nice house and car and material things she should be happy and not nagging. Most women will tell you that they would rather take the smaller house and the smaller car and their husband to have the less prestigious job and they would be perfectly happy if their husbands simply LISTENED to them more and UNDERSTOOD what they go thru and was actually INTERESTED in how their day went and just simply ENJOYED spending time with them. We guys tend to work more to try to buy these extravagant items for our mates to show our love but all they really want is US, not all the material crap (not saying they don't enjoy them, just saying they would give it up in a heartbeat to be treated as NUMBER 1, by their husbands) Confuzd appears to see this now and I think she is starting to realize that he sees it.

 

Now that they are talking I would be willing to bet that they start to work out those Demons a little conversation at a time.

 

Now I do feel that your ACTIONS of telling him to move on are supportive, just NOT THE WAY HE WANTS TO BE SUPPORTED RIGHT NOW. If one of my buddies were acting like Confuzd and I truely felt he should move on but he didn't want to instead he wanted to find a way to win her heart back I would support him by giving him ideas on how to win her back NOT constantly tell him how foolish I think he is for trying, or reminding him of a huge mistake she just made or continuing to get frustrated with him for being so weak and stupid. No I would say ok Bro let get this woman back THAT......... DR. CALI IS SUPPORT!!!!!!!

 

GO GET YOUR WIFE CONFUZD, you have a bunch of folks on here standing behind you SUPPORTING your tenacity. Cali is a good guy I can see it in his words, he is simply trying to look out for a fellow Bro in crisis. Now come on Cali go put a bottle of Champagne on ice like the rest of us and get ready to pop the cork when Confuzd tells us she is ready to give it another shot. Call it a dream if you will but every amazing thing starts with a dream.

 

Stay on track Confuzd, you are doing just fine.

[CaliGuy]

Yeah Cali you are absolutely correct with regards to her needing to get past the demons that caused this behavior and no adultery is Not acceptable. And yes actions do speak louder than words. So let look at her actions: She says she's done, she emotionally detach herself, she goes and see a divorce lawyer and oh yeah SHE MOVES OUT!!!!!! her actions says it's over correct? So in her mind she is basically free to do whatever she wants. She obviously feels that she gave many years trying to get thru to Confuzd and he refused to listen so she bounced to do whatever she wants.

 

So given this logic, you feel it's perfectly ok for her to screw TWO other men while being married to Confuzd and he should just be "understanding" that the pain he caused (working extra hours to try and put the family in a good position financially) was a reasonable excuse for her to commit adultery??? Give me a freaking break!

 

She didn't spend many years trying to get Confuzd to listen. In fact, given his own accounts she didn't really communicate effectively. There's no way you can expect anyone to buy that she tried her damndest to get through to Confuzd then justified her affair by the fact he was working hard to provide for his family.

 

That's the biggest BS excuse I've ever heard.

 

Now this drastic move wakes Confuzed up and he now realized just how much he truely loves his wife and decides to get his act together after first begging and becoming a big wuss in the BEGINNING.(obviously not the way to go) She doesn't buy any of his changes and is probably annoyed at his weakness and continues on with her drastic move to be done with him (actions still saying she is DONE)

 

She was mentally and emotionally detached from Confuzd the moment she cheated on him. Anyone who has that much disregard for their marriage vows has no business being in a marriage whatsoever.

 

Do the vows "For better or for worse" mean anything to you? They do to me. Worse came and instead of her doing something to try and save her marriage she did everything she could to DESTROY it.

 

And FYI, you may not be spiritual but the ONLY reason God allows for divorce is infidelity. Anything else he COMMANDS you work it out. But God understands that cheating on your spouse, while some have the capacity to forgive, is the ONLY JUSTIFIABLE reason to seek a divorce.

 

If God hates it that much, why do you expect Confuzd to take this lying down? IMHO, he's not being much of man by accepting her despicable behavior and trying to "woo" her back.

 

Instead, he should be laying down the law. She's having her cake and eating it too and keeping Confuzd on a string the entire time.

 

Obviously Confuzd determination and due diligence in becoming a better husband has NOW started to sink in to her and she is actually starting to notice it. The begging little weak man is gone and he is still showing her his changes but on HIS terms now it seems. So now she calls 2-3 times a day, they are starting to have good conversations, and she agreed to go to counseling, now come on bro you gotta admit these ACTIONS are saying she may be considering coming back.

 

No.

 

If she was serious about saving the marriage it would have been HER who would have suggested marriage counseling. It would have been her saying "I'm sorry." Confuzd has done enough. He needs to back off, way off and let her have a taste of what she is giving up. She is the one who chose this path.

 

She crossed the path of no return the first time she cheated. The second time, well to me that's a pattern of bad behavior. Once, maybe I could understand. But twice? And it's only two men that he knows about. For all we know there could be more.

 

How many affairs will it take before you agree that Confuzd has every right to walk away from this marriage with his head held high and his self-respect in tact?

 

I know everyone is hung up on the whole sex with the other guy thing,

 

Uh yeah, because it's a deal breaker for most people. Nothing says "I don't love or respect you" more clear than breaking your marriage vows and having sex with someone NOT your spouse.

 

but she did that AFTER moving out and saying she was done.

 

The second affair, yes. Not sure about the first. Regardless, she was still legally married and an affair is an affair.

 

Now yeah I know technically there was no finalized divorce papers or anything, but come on dude, you know as well as i do that if it were you or I that left our wives because they treated us like crap for YEARS and we made it clear to our wives that we were sick of it and we were done and we went out and hooked up with some little hottie we met, in OUR mind we would be justified because we said it was over. Now if we started to notice the wives changing and becoming the type of wife she should be, because there is sooo much time between us, we MIGHT just give them a second chance. Which is where she could be right now.

 

Personally I feel that if you're going to call the marriage done and have sex with other people then the RIGHT thing to do is file divorce and stay AWAY from other people until the divorce is final. If you have even the slightest inkling that you may reconsider your decision to leave, you don't cement it by bedding another man/woman. That is unacceptable.

 

Now if you noticed I said Might because I see you are VERY stubborn and don't take no $h!t.

 

Has it ever occurred to you that both myself and JMargel have learned a thing or two? That we've been through similar circumstances and both have seen what works and doesn't work? I am not saying the situations are exactly alike, but the problem is that Confuzd is basically laying down and taking her selfish behavior and rewarding her for it. He is lavishing her with love and attention. Granted that is the right thing to do, but NOT when the spouse in question has been running around behind your back bedding other men.

 

If she even had the slightest feeling of regret she'd be on her knees begging Confuzd to work things out. Heck, she would have learned how bad that hurt him the first time she screwed around on him.

 

I'm sorry but screw me once, shame on you.

Screw me twice, shame on ME.

 

Confuzd has to learn that his wife has a serious, serious issue with infidelity that is not going to be corrected by lavishing her with love and attention. For even if they were to get back together and things resumed back to normal (both working, making a living, etc) that if he doesn't keep up a high, high level of attention to her she'll cheat again.

 

Confuzd is not the one with the major issue here.

 

His wife is.

 

That type of attitude IMO has no place in a marriage because it leaves no room for forgiveness.

 

He forgave her once. I commend him for that. Heck, even I think I could find some place of forgiveness if she cheated only once. But we're talking about a woman who faces strife in her marriage by screwing around on her husband instead of communicating correctly with him.

 

Whatever you do don't go and contradict yourself and say you can be forgiving because I read on to see where you went on to say how your hat was off to Confuzd because you would not be able to forgive your wife if she did this stuff, by the way are you married?

 

No but I've dealt with a cheating significant other and I handled it the same way Confuzd is now and in the end it was the dumbest thing I ever did. You can not "fix" a serial cheater (which I believe her to be). She has to face those demons on her own and there is absolutely NOTHING Confuzd can do to resolve her issues. This is a COUNSELING issue. She needs to understand that she has to fix this issue on her own.

 

If she is trying to change for Confuzd it will not work. She has to want, not to DEEPLY DESIRE to change on her own much the same way Confuzd needs to. He can not make the main reason for his personality changes to be driven by her or I guarantee you he will not succeed either.

 

I would love to team up with you sir and bash the heck outta what she may have done wrong in the relationship over the years and how she should have filed the divorce (which ONLY finalizes things legally) but the whole back and forth he did this and she did that, crap only prolongs the PROBLEM and does NOT work toward a SOLUTION. I truely feel that what Confuzd has done thus far is what has her, what appears to be, slowly coming around. (her ACTIONS)

 

I would love to hear her side of the story and how she justified her actions.

 

I firmly believe the main issues in their marriage is BOTH of them have a difficult time communicating HONESTLY with each other. If they had it would never have gotten to cheating.

 

He sounds like a guy that really tried to take great care of his wife and family and just like most of us guys, we feel that if we are getting her the nice house and car and material things she should be happy and not nagging. Most women will tell you that they would rather take the smaller house and the smaller car and their husband to have the less prestigious job and they would be perfectly happy if their husbands simply LISTENED to them more and UNDERSTOOD what they go thru and was actually INTERESTED in how their day went and just simply ENJOYED spending time with them.

 

What makes you so sure she communicated this effectively to Confuzd? Women are VERY subtle with their hints. For the most part they don't want to rock the boat. But dang man, if it gets to the point you've decided to bed other men, I THINK perhaps that it calls for DRASTIC measures.

 

Like perhaps saying "We need to see a Counselor" or "I am leaving you." which I am not sure she did any of those things the first time.

 

We guys tend to work more to try to buy these extravagant items for our mates to show our love but all they really want is US, not all the material crap (not saying they don't enjoy them, just saying they would give it up in a heartbeat to be treated as NUMBER 1, by their husbands) Confuzd appears to see this now and I think she is starting to realize that he sees it.

 

So there's not even a piece of you that believes this could have been communicated without cheating?

 

I sure do.

 

Now that they are talking I would be willing to bet that they start to work out those Demons a little conversation at a time.

 

My point is this should have happened WELL BEFORE the cheating.

 

Now I do feel that your ACTIONS of telling him to move on are supportive, just NOT THE WAY HE WANTS TO BE SUPPORTED RIGHT NOW.

 

Sometimes the medicine that cures what ales you is the most bitter pill to swallow. While he may not want to hear this side of the coin, it's a possibility that he must accept. I'm not here to win friends and influence people. I am here to help Confuzd see both sides of the coin and how his behavior now may be causing more harm to the marriage than it's fixing.

 

Do you think I would suggest book like "Love Must Be Tough" if I didn't wish the guy success? For crying out loud, Dr. Dobson's book says DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE (but be prepared to walk away as well). What he is basically saying is you do not reward her bad behavior with love and praise. You show her tough love by making her realize what she is about to give up. That in order for love to exist at all it has to be based on a foundation built of RESPECT, something she has very little of for him right now.

 

Where there is no respect there can not be love. PERIOD. She is not going to respect him if he continues to reward her bad behavior with love and affection. All that does is REINFORCE HER BAD BEHAVIOR.

 

If one of my buddies were acting like Confuzd and I truely felt he should move on but he didn't want to instead he wanted to find a way to win her heart back I would support him by giving him ideas on how to win her back NOT constantly tell him how foolish I think he is for trying, or reminding him of a huge mistake she just made or continuing to get frustrated with him for being so weak and stupid. No I would say ok Bro let get this woman back THAT......... DR. CALI IS SUPPORT!!!!!!!

 

So what you're saying is you'd tell the guy whatever he wants to hear to make him feel better and not really give him both sides of the coin? I mean, that's what I am hearing from you. Support your buddy no matter how dumb his actions are.

 

That's not friendship. That's not someone with my best interest in mind. Hell, that's something my enemies would do.

 

GO GET YOUR WIFE CONFUZD, you have a bunch of folks on here standing behind you SUPPORTING your tenacity. Cali is a good guy I can see it in his words, he is simply trying to look out for a fellow Bro in crisis. Now come on Cali go put a bottle of Champagne on ice like the rest of us and get ready to pop the cork when Confuzd tells us she is ready to give it another shot. Call it a dream if you will but every amazing thing starts with a dream.

 

Stay on track Confuzd, you are doing just fine.

 

Hey, I'm not trying to rain on anyone's parade here. But given all the information Confuzd has given us here, I do commend his willingness to do whatever it takes to save his marriage.

 

Just making sure the price he is willing to pay is worth it in the long run. If she isn't willing to put 100% effort into saving the marriage to the same degree Confuzd is, all he is doing is delaying the inevitable AND his healing in the process.

 

Cheers.

[jmargel]

My problem with all of this is that Confuzd has not tried to talk to her about the real issues at hand. He is too concerned about just keeping her from straying even more. He is willing to goto the extreme of pushing back her cheating and the things she has done to him and thier child so that he can continue to keep her in the marriage.

 

If you push aside the real issues at some point the resentment will become too much and manifest itself in other ways. The communication will continue to detriorate and divorce will eventually happen. I just feel he is coddling her, telling her everything is going to be ok, because 'love conquers all' and he's willing to try to pull up her slack that she has in this marriage. That never works and when one spouse starts to slack thats when problems start.

 

Has she really shown remorse about her affairs? She didn't come upto Confuzd and tell him about them, he had to find out by himself. How many other affairs did she have that he doesn't know about? How about her putting him into jeopardy health-wise. If I were him, he needs to get himself checked for any STDs. Don't trust her when it comes to your life, you need to get yourself checked.

 

I can see things have not changed especially with her blowing up about the car payment which was HER responsibility. He didn't take care of it, so she got into her teenager mentality. In the end he is the one apologizing. He refuses to stand up for himself and demand the respect from her.

 

As for that football analogy, you didn't just practice with another squad you slept with the other team. You don't let problems/communication get so bad that you sleep with other men, then come back and say 'Oops, sorry but you were treating me bad'. It doesn't work that way. She is not that nieve or that stupid to actually believe that. If she does then she has some serious mental problems which he can't fix.

 

Confuzd is she looking forward to counseling or is she doing it to 'just be there'? If the latter is the case then it won't work. It's like her ego is boosted because now she has these other men wanting her along with her husband who she has cheated and abused. It's a sick situation which will eventually crash soon.

 

Confuzd you need to start worrying about yourself only. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. I know mentally wise you aren't, because you are obessed, addicted to her. You are addicted to 'winning her back' at any cost. You want to prove to her and yourself that she needs to be with you because you are the better man. That's a self-destructive behavior which can crush your own self-worth. You have put that into her, into the marriage, something you should never do. Even though you are married you are still your own person, live it. Live it without her until she decides to make MAJOR changes to HERSELF first.

[confuzd]

Well thats about enough for me,

 

I came to this forum to try and tell a story, and to share my experiences, but it seems as if my story is being told by other people. the characters are being described as each individual sees fit, and there is disregard to what I am even saying.

 

The insults, and derogatory statements being thrown at my wife are more than I am willing to put up with. I have tried to make myself clear but it is totally futile.

 

I had some great developments last night, but after reading this morning I realized what is the point of sharing, This forum is no longer an enjoyable place to come.

 

I have enough things to deal with , why would I intentionally subject myself to people that I would never involve myself with in real life, if statements like this where made about my wife in real life, the individual making them would not be able to walk home, that is a promise.

 

This thread has gotten so far off track, and polluted that it is uncomfortable for me to continue sharing my day to day activity.

 

Thank you to all who have supported me thus far, It is far from over with me and my wife, but it is over with me and this board.

 

Thank you Lysne I hope your relationship is alive and well, thanks YQ, reckless and everyone else that shared a word of encouragement.

 

Thanks as well Xyane you came at the end but I really appreciate your support. It shows that even though someone has been through it, and succeeded, your words will still be disrespected. If we can't listen to you who can we listen too.

 

I hope to have a success story like you, your analogy was spot on, as well as everything else you posted, it described everything so perfectly. For anyone to argue with that is just a display of complete ignorance, stubbornness, and total misdirection. You have been there and done that, it seems no matter what developments I make, they will always be belittled.

 

ie marriage counseling. I may return one day to give the final outcome, but that is to be determined. I am very upset at the way my wife is being portrayed, and I realize I am allowing myself to be upset by coming here and reading. Some people don't have the couth to realize when they are not welcome, so I will be the one to bow out.

 

good luck to all,

 

confuzd.

[jmargel]

You come here looking for advice and when you see things that you don't want to see you bow out. You are afraid to deal with the truth and this is another example of it.

 

We are not out to bash your wife and I personally have not. I have not used any detogitory words towards her. It's just that you don't like the advice some of us have given. That's fine, it's your life and you decide what advice to take. I will not apologize for anything I have said in here. I don't appreciate you accusing anyone here of doing anything to belittle you or your wife. We give advice on what YOU post.

 

You don't answer any of the questions I have asked so I can only assume this is the route you are taking with the relationship. Good luck to you and hope you find happiness wherever it is.

[CaliGuy]

Confuzd, I am curious.

 

Do you feel you have any right to be angry at your wife for how she has handled the situation?

 

Do you feel like your wife should be absolved of her behavior?

 

Nobody here is trying to twist your words or the story. The only infomation we have is what you have provided.

 

What both JMargel and I are trying to show you is tough love in and of itself. If we didn't care about YOU we wouldn't both giving you advice at all.

 

Nobody wants to see you fail, but failing is a possibility and if you approach this situation with your wife with complete tunnel vision and things should go wrong, you'll not have a plan B. Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.

 

Whatever you do, I wish you luck. Just don't expect the Counselor, your family or your friends (online and off) to always tell you what you want to hear.

 

Tough love often requires hearing things you don't want to hear and giving you all the possible scenarios.

 

I am not nearly as quick to forgive your wife because I feel infidelity, regardless of the circumstances, is a despicable action that needs to be dealt with in a very strong manner.

 

It seems to me and many others that you're rewarding your wife for bad behavior and that is not the way to repair a marriage. Not in the slightest.

 

Again, nobody wants you to fail. On the contrary, I think everyone here has your best interest in mind. The question is are you willing to listen or are you just looking for a pat on the back?

 

FWIW: The advice you have been given by JMargel, Myself and others is the same advice we'd give anyone else in your shoes. It's not that we're trying to derail you goals. It's simply a matter of helping you see the situation clearly. And I don't think you're doing that right now.

[Cobra_X30]

Some people don't have the couth to realize when they are not welcome, so I will be the one to bow out.

 

good luck to all,

 

confuzd.

 

Best of Luck to you Confuzd. You are a stronger man than I could ever be in your situation!

 

Oh serious, I'm super good with flowery writing... poetry.... ect. If you ever need an outside perspective on something you write for your wife... feel free to hit me up!

[discoverychannel]

Hey Confuzed. I have been following your thread all along, and I just want to say I admire your determination. Love has many different levels, and people often confuse that strong feeling of instant attraction as love. But true love is as the bible puts it in 1 Cor 13: 4-7: "Love is long-suffering and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, does not get puffed up, does not behave indecently, does not look for its own interests, does not become provoked. It does not keep account of the injury. It does not rejoice over unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." I had lost hope in the love as many perceives it, but it is encouraging to know that there is still people like you who really strive for unconditional love as described in the bible. Love is something greater than that temporary feeling, but the true love bond that has been created btwn u and ur wife. If you really love the other person, not just from the heart, but from mind and soul, there is really no need for mind games. Your love for her shines and she can see it. She have known you for years and have seen your best and worst, and have stuck with loving you. However, we are all imperfect and we all make mistakes. It does not seem to me that your wife is one who takes your current attention for granted. I think when a person makes a mistake unwillingly out of inbalance, they don't need "punishments", but a lot of help. It would be different if a person did it willingly simply for fun and excitement. So I think you are doing great by giving your wife that support. Unconditional love takes courage, but when you both are ready to take that step, you will both be able to truly forgive eachother with love.

 

Only you know your situation best and if you have faith in your situation, I have faith in you. I believe that you guys will end up back together in only a matter of time. If you both can get through this, your relationship with her will be stronger than ever.

 

Don't know if you will ever read this since you just announced your leave. Good to know that there are people who still believe in true love =)

[bestadvisor]

God despises infidelity so much that it's one of only two reasons He allows for divorce (the other is if a non-believing spouse chooses to walk away).

 

With religion aside, I believe there are two reasons for divorce; one is phyiscal infidelity and the other one is physical abuse. We can't control how we feel, but we can control how we act. No one will be looked down or judged for having thoughts of affair but walked away from it and the samething goes to someone who feels anger toward someone but not actually act on it violently.

 

Now, back to Confuzd. Without disagreeing or agreeing with anyone who has posted, I have one comment and 10 questions for you. My comment is that you've become a great person. You've painted yourself as this monster that you used to be; it's hard for me to believe that you were really that bad because if I'm right, you have never hit her and you have never cheated on her. You were no where near perfect, but you weren't that bad.

 

Now my questions. Just keep in mind that these are reasonable and legitimate questions and you shouldn't be bothered by them if you are not in denial:

 

1) Isn't it true at the time when she was cheating on you, you treated her with nothing but respect including giving her space, open up your heart completely (because you listened to some great posters' advice here), and constantly reminded her how much you care, love, etc.?

 

2) Isn't it true that while you were doing all of the above, she claim to met some random guy at a grocery store (which you still can't verify if it's that or she actively sought him out through other way, but does it really matter) and cheated on you dispite your effection and understanding?

 

3) Isn't it true that she not only got physical with him (and even took some fun pictures with him while doing it) but possibly very emotionally involved because they talked about your son and his (other man) feelings?

 

4) Isn't it true that it's very possible that she lied to you that she was going to end the connection with this other guy RIGHT BEFORE you found out those graphic pictures?

 

5) Isn't it possible that it was him who left her and not the other way around, meaning that she still tried to contact him after you discovered the affair, but he refused due to troubles he can get into by keep doing it?

 

6) Isn't it true that she is more "sorry" that she got caught than cheating on you because she stapped you in the back immediately by reporting you for breaking into her car?

 

7) How does it make you feel that your wife knew that you and your son were hurting and you were trying so hard to bring her back, yet she still go to the other man's place, have sex and took those pictures with him.

 

8) Isn't it possible that she is using you now for emotional support, attention, while waiting for the next grocery guy, internet guy, or male co-woker to come along?

 

9) Will you ever truely trust her again AND forgive the lies she has told?

 

10) Could it be possible that you have become a much better person now that your judgement and reasoning are clouded by your emotion and passion?

 

Honestly and logically answer those questions and if your answers still point you to pursuing her, go for it. Based on your posts, because of whom you have become today, you deserve someone who will love you the way you love her.

[CaliGuy]

Bestadvisor, those are some great questions that I believe if Confuzd is honest with himself, he'd start to see the situation for what it really is.

 

I don't believe cheaters are ever really sorry for what they've done if they aren't 100%, fully repentant.

 

I believe they're only sorry they got caught.

[Woggle]

We are bashing your wife on here e because she deserves to be bashed. Why are you being so protective of her when she doen't give 2 shyts about your feelings and how all this is makingm you feel. We are being harsh because we want you to wake up and realize you are being played like a guitar. You are one of the men that I spoke about in my other thread.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Bestadvisor, those are some great questions that I believe if Confuzd is honest with himself, he'd start to see the situation for what it really is.

 

I don't believe cheaters are ever really sorry for what they've done if they aren't 100%, fully repentant.

 

I believe they're only sorry they got caught.

 

If this was the case, then anyone that has sinned would never be sorry for what they have done.

 

Confuzd, I hope you keep us updated on your progress. Good luck, I am praying for you and hope the best. You and your family deserve it. God would not put any weight on your shoulders you could not carry. Be strong.