will my wife ever come back to me

[confuzd]

I've been feeling really good lately, things with me and my wife are getting better every day.

 

I was just perusing through some of the threads, and came across a young man's thread that really connected with my story. I decided that I will continue to post. I really do enjoy journaling and this will really be all I am doing,

 

So its been a little bit since my last post and things have took a major turn,

 

last weekend me and my wife spent the whole weekend together, we made love that was incredible, and cuddled kissed and hugged all weekend. Whenever we see eachother I am able to kiss her and hug her and she is so open to it now.

 

we wen to marriage counseling, and it went very well. The counseler actually said she studied Michelle Weiner Davis the Author of Divorce busting, and Divorce Rescue and recommends them to every couple.

 

My wife really like the counselor, Ill touch on a few key points that came up in the session.

 

My wife was happy to go, and said in the meeting that she does think that our marriage is worth saving.

 

she mentioned things that she loved about me.

 

we were open about our feelings, and she said that the affair lasted a month and a half and is now over.

 

she said she wanted to work on separating the past from the present and not get upset when I do things that may remind her of the past.

 

she said basically she wants to get over her anger.

 

 

over the course of the week I will add some more key point not in any particular order

 

My wife said that making love to me felt right and showed her that she still loves me and has feelings for me.

 

she said that she really wants to believe that my changes are sincere and that I will not mistreat her again.

 

I told her that I cherished her and she started crying and asked how she could be sure that it was true.

 

she said she would like to go on vacation in december.

 

we are going out for dinner tonight.

 

she calls me everyday now when she gets off work then again later that night, we spend alot of time on the phone now, even though I have my son and she is free to do as she wishes.

 

needless to say my spirits are much higher than they were and my old funny confident self is much more able to show his face.

 

I am not out of the woods, but I can see the trees starting to separate a few miles ahead.

 

well that's a recap for the most part, hopefully dinner goes well.

 

confuzd.

[Mike1966]

confuzed,

 

I am so psyched for you my friend. Last weekend must have been awesome, to know that she still has those feelings for you. You are such a stand-up guy to have taken the stance you have and fight for the one you love..............and offer the forgiveness to her that is seldom available in this day and age.

 

I continue to be encouraged by your story as our situations have so many similarities. I'm contemplating asking my wife to go away with me for the weekend on my birthday in about a month, but want to give it a few more weeks of us getting along as friends before throwing it out there. She is still contemplating her feelings for me.

 

Keep up the good work and the positive attitude. If you and I make it through this with our spouses and remain married, it would be so cool to be able to get together sometime................probably won't happen but what a pleasant thought.

 

I'll continue to lift you and your wife up in my daily prayers.

[frd150]

Hey Confuzed,

 

I am both surprised and happy your back.

 

I am so happy for you man. Im glad you did not give up and its nice to read something positive amidst the doom and gloom.

 

Oh, and don't be upset with J ,Cali and the rest. I think truthfully they were looking out for you and your sons well being.

 

Two sides to every story,right?

 

Still reading, still learning......

 

 

FRD

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Confuzd, I am glad to hear about the good things going on for you, but I have a question or two.

 

Did your wife ever agree to going to counseling before? If so, how did it go? Now that you are going, how is it different?

 

My wife will not go. She says she knows it will not do her any good and she does not want to talk about 'this stuff' to anyone else. I wish she would, but i cannot force her.

[confuzd]

Confuzd, I am glad to hear about the good things going on for you, but I have a question or two.

 

Did your wife ever agree to going to counseling before? If so, how did it go? Now that you are going, how is it different?

 

yeah, she always wanted to go to counseling in the past, we went a few times but I always went with the attitude that I was going to prove how right I was, and not really with the intention of getting any help (didn't think I needed any at the time) It's different now because I acutally want help, and my wife does as well, so we are both going with an open mind and positive attitude.

 

My wife will not go. She says she knows it will not do her any good and she does not want to talk about 'this stuff' to anyone else. I wish she would, but i cannot force her.

your right you can not force her, I would actually stop asking her. The time will come if you can bear through it that she will be willing to work on the relationship (I hope). You read the book, if you change, I mean sincerely change it will affect changes in your wife. You are the only one that you can control, let your changes influence her. So put all your energy into changing yourself, and stop trying to get her to do things because you want her to. Believe me I know what you are going through.

 

confuzd

[PWSX3]

yeah, she always wanted to go to counseling in the past, we went a few times but I always went with the attitude that I was going to prove how right I was, and not really with the intention of getting any help (didn't think I needed any at the time) It's different now because I acutally want help, and my wife does as well, so we are both going with an open mind and positive attitude.

BINGO!!!!!!!

You can go to counseling until you are blue in the face, but if you aren't welling to listen, learn, & say; yes I made mistakes but I want to do better only then will counseling help. (been there done that, got the T-shirt)

I used to be proud of myself for being able to prove that my W was wrong, that what she did wasn't correct & yes maybe I was right sometimes, but it didn't get me anywhere.

 

Then I found this place & got ran thru the goals & only then did I start to go to MC & listen, listen to what the W was saying & it started to make since. Sure I might be right, but then she was as well because there are more then one way to do things, my way didn't always have to be the right way.

 

This is just my thoughts, but the reason you & your W are now talking is because you are welling/wanting to listen/talk. You don't have that guard up anymore & she feels you will listen so she is talking.

 

As for the "great" sex we also had that when we got back together, it was like the first time almost but just like the first time once you get back into a routine it seems to lose that energy just like it did the first time or at least it did with us.

 

confuzed you are so right, we can change how our spouses are by our actions, not our words. They see the changes in us & so they start to change as well, if nothing else maybe to just keep up.

 

My W sees the changes, wants to do the same but for some reason just can't do it & it makes me sad but there is nothing I can do.

 

Keep up the good work, glad to see you are back. When I first joined I have to say some of the people were pretty hard on me & I thought to myself; WTF? I thought this place was a place people helped, but then when I stopped & read them over & over they started to make since. What I was looking for was someone to agree with me, tell me I was right but instead they told me the truth, the truth that I didn't want to hear at first. I am so glad I didn't go away that I stayed around & learned because I would never be the guy I am today if it wasn't for LS....:love:

 

Remember to take it slow, you don't need to rush into the sex & all that just yet. Work on the issues that got you here in the first place & enjoy the time you are together even if it is just talking on the phone.

[BestAdvisor1]

Confuzd, it seems that you have forgiven her for her infedelity. But, have you really "honestly and logically answer those questions" and if your answers still point you to pursuing her, I would say go for it. It's clear now that you're fine, because she's back and you so love her. The question is, how committed is she? If she is as committed as you are, I think you will be together years from now.

[Cobra_X30]

Yeah Confuzd!

[jmargel]

Confuzd, it seems that you have forgiven her for her infedelity. But, have you really "honestly and logically answer those questions" and if your answers still point you to pursuing her, I would say go for it. It's clear now that you're fine, because she's back and you so love her. The question is, how committed is she? If she is as committed as you are, I think you will be together years from now.

 

The infedelity will destroy the marriage unless it's dealt with. He refuses to talk about it because he still wants to win her back at any cost. She continues to demand things from him 'I want to go on vacation in December'. What if you refuse and suggest a later time? Is it her way or the highway as usual?

 

Sorry but if you want to live your life as her whipping boy and her puppet, then be my guest. However I don't think you'll be happy in the long run and the disrespect will soon take control again. She is still calling all the shots and as long as she feels that, then she'll stay with you.

 

When are you going to discuss with her on what she has done to you? On how she has hurt you? Or are you going to excuse that all away as well?

[confuzd]

BINGO!!!!!!!

You can go to counseling until you are blue in the face, but if you aren't welling to listen, learn, & say; yes I made mistakes but I want to do better only then will counseling help. (been there done that, got the T-shirt)

I used to be proud of myself for being able to prove that my W was wrong, that what she did wasn't correct & yes maybe I was right sometimes, but it didn't get me anywhere.

 

Then I found this place & got ran thru the goals & only then did I start to go to MC & listen, listen to what the W was saying & it started to make since. Sure I might be right, but then she was as well because there are more then one way to do things, my way didn't always have to be the right way.

 

This is just my thoughts, but the reason you & your W are now talking is because you are welling/wanting to listen/talk. You don't have that guard up anymore & she feels you will listen so she is talking.

 

As for the "great" sex we also had that when we got back together, it was like the first time almost but just like the first time once you get back into a routine it seems to lose that energy just like it did the first time or at least it did with us.

 

confuzed you are so right, we can change how our spouses are by our actions, not our words. They see the changes in us & so they start to change as well, if nothing else maybe to just keep up.

 

My W sees the changes, wants to do the same but for some reason just can't do it & it makes me sad but there is nothing I can do.

 

Keep up the good work, glad to see you are back. When I first joined I have to say some of the people were pretty hard on me & I thought to myself; WTF? I thought this place was a place people helped, but then when I stopped & read them over & over they started to make since. What I was looking for was someone to agree with me, tell me I was right but instead they told me the truth, the truth that I didn't want to hear at first. I am so glad I didn't go away that I stayed around & learned because I would never be the guy I am today if it wasn't for LS....:love:

 

Remember to take it slow, you don't need to rush into the sex & all that just yet. Work on the issues that got you here in the first place & enjoy the time you are together even if it is just talking on the phone.

 

thanks, I agree with everything you just said.

[confuzd]

Confuzd, it seems that you have forgiven her for her infedelity. But, have you really "honestly and logically answer those questions" and if your answers still point you to pursuing her, I would say go for it. It's clear now that you're fine, because she's back and you so love her. The question is, how committed is she? If she is as committed as you are, I think you will be together years from now.

 

Yes I have forgiven her, I will never forget but I have forgiven. She wants to commit fully but is still fearful that I will hurt her again, in time she will believe me and I am sure she will be ready to commit fully with out fear.

[confuzd]

The infedelity will destroy the marriage unless it's dealt with. He refuses to talk about it because he still wants to win her back at any cost. She continues to demand things from him 'I want to go on vacation in December'. What if you refuse and suggest a later time? Is it her way or the highway as usual?

 

Sorry but if you want to live your life as her whipping boy and her puppet, then be my guest. However I don't think you'll be happy in the long run and the disrespect will soon take control again. She is still calling all the shots and as long as she feels that, then she'll stay with you.

 

When are you going to discuss with her on what she has done to you? On how she has hurt you? Or are you going to excuse that all away as well?

 

I have been discussing it, it was discussed in MC, and will be discussed further, it has to be the right venue, not just me questioning her and driving her crazy.

 

I posted in LMD's thread and I will copy and paste here. I hope I can finally answer your questions to your satisfaction for you. I understand you think Im whipping boy, and Im glad I have your permission to continue to be so. I also see that you think my wife is controlling me. I understand and respect your opinion.

 

What really happened though was that I asked my wife if she wanted to go away on vacation, and she recommended December because we would have time off, and our son would be out of school, it was a great idea and I was not controlled, although I can see how you may perceive it to be that way.

 

I also am not refusing to talk about anything, its just that we have alot of issues to talk about other than the infidelity, Yes that is a big issue that will be discussed, but please just let me decide when and how it will be discussed, like I said before we have already touched on it with the MC, and she has recommended several books on the topic to help us.

 

here is the post I put on LMD's Thread.

 

"As far as her infidelity goes, I know this is tough, very tough. There is nothing that can be said that will take the pain away or that will make what she did right. I think you already realize this. What I told my counselor when me and my wife went to marriage counseling earlier this week was that I understood that her cheating was not my fault and that it was wrong but that "I Understand" and because I understand I am able to forgive.

 

It doesn't mean you agree with it, or even like, but I think you can understand why it happened. If not I doubt you would be able to forgive the way you have, and by the way if you are going to forgive you really have to forgive, which means letting it go and moving forward. I never let it go when my wife cheated on me, and I used it against her all the time and probably made her life more miserable then before she cheated.

 

She apologized, changed her number cut off all contact, but I never let it go, and never passed up an opportunity to throw it in her face. You would think I would've learned the first time. Well after two more years of my B.S. my wife finally left me and met some one else.

 

Don't know why I didn't learn the first time but now I finally got it. So I have alot of work to do to show my changes but it is worth it to me. that is the biggest question you have to ask, Is it worth it to you? It doesn't matter whether it would be worth it to anyone else or what anyone else thinks about your relationship, it has to be worth it to you and you have to be able to accept it and live with your decisions."

 

 

so those are my thoughts, I hope you are satisfied, and have no further questions, on whether I really forgive, or whether I am a whipping boy or what not. I am not sure what else I can tell you, but out of common respect I thought I'd try to give you an answer. okay moving on.

[confuzd]

Well we had a fantastic dinner, I asked my son if he wanted to go with us and he said no, and that he wanted us to have some alone time, (precious little boy).

 

So we went to dinner at a japanese hibachi restaurant, the ones where they cook in front of you, the conversation was very comfortable, flirtatious, joking, and some indepth. We really enjoyed each others company, there was plenty of hugging, touching, and kissing.

 

One thing that stuck out to me that night was some of the things she let me in on. Im not sure if you guys remember about the Peanut butter and jelly thing I did on our anniversary, but at the time she was still being a hard ass, but what I realized that is you never know what is going on behind the scenes.

 

while I thought it didn't touch my wife it actually did, she went to work the next day and told her supervisor/girl friend the story behind the PB&J and that I gave it to her again, and her supervisor almost started crying, she told her that it was so sweet, and my wife just agreed that it really was, her supervisor even went home and had to tell her sister about it.

 

there where many other things I did that were sweet that I didn't think really penetrated her, but now realize it did, she would always share these things with her supervisor, and now her supervisor is my biggest supporter. Not a bad thing.

 

If you get anything from this it means never try to figure out what your spouse is thinking, you probably have no idea and it will just drive you crazy anyways.

 

After dinner, we were given fortune cookies (kind of odd in a japanese restaurant) but when she opened hers she started laughing and just said wow! I opened mine and said "well that's for damn sure" she asked me to reveal what mine said and it read SOME ONE YOU HAVE OVERLOOKED IN THE PAST WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. that couldn't have been more true. She showed me hers and it read SOME ONE TRULY LOVES YOU. She looked at me and said isn't that crazy. I agreed and started singing the twilight zone theme music.

 

After that we went for ice cream and had more good conversation, much of it hinted at things that will be done in the future, After ice cream I took her home and we parted with some kisses. I don't forsee a divorce anywhere in sight and have never mentioned it. Thing seem really good, we have another MC appointment on wednesday.

 

My goal now is to still just take it slow, and focus on nurturing a foundation of friendship, and trust. I have made sincere changes, and they definitely seem to be rubbing off on my wife. I'll keep you updated

 

confuzd.

[CaliGuy]

Confuzd, you are doing the right things. Nobody doubts that and again, I do wish you success.

 

I still question your wife and if she is doing the right things and where her heart is. And also, might I remind you, that for the rest of your relationship together you will think about her with the OM and it can cause a roadblock in future. It will take a very long time for you to trust her completely and she needs to be prepared to deal with this.

 

All it takes is one event, one innocent thing to happen for you to doubt her or question if she is cheating again. This is why God so despises cheating. It completely destroys trust and respect in the relationship, both of which are the foundation of which successful marriages are built upon.

 

I commend you for doing whatever you can to save your marriage. I just want you to understand the road you are on will be long and difficult. But then again, nothing worth achieving in life is easy.

 

Best of luck to you.

[BestAdvisor1]

I never let it go when my wife cheated on me, and I used it against her all the time and probably made her life more miserable then before she cheated.

 

She apologized, changed her number cut off all contact, but I never let it go, and never passed up an opportunity to throw it in her face. You would think I would've learned the first time. Well after two more years of my B.S. my wife finally left me and met some one else.

 

Just out of curiousity, the first affair, was it physical affair? How did she met him? How did you find out?

[Yernasia Quorelios]

...not only for staying the course but also for being a big enough person to change your mind and continue posting. Many of us LS members have a great deal to learn from you about forgiveness and letting go.

[Mike1966]

Amen to the above post. Many times relationships seem to end more because of someone's pride, they've been hurt and will not forgive. Confuzed..............hats off to you to continue to have the faith and confidence in yourself to see this through. You've proven as much as any I've read about that one person's commitment to the marriage can make a huge difference.

 

I'll be anxious to follow along as you rebuild your relationship with your wife.

 

Best wishes.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

Amen to the above post. Many times relationships seem to end more because of someone's pride, they've been hurt and will not forgive. Confuzed..............hats off to you to continue to have the faith and confidence in yourself to see this through. You've proven as much as any I've read about that one person's commitment to the marriage can make a huge difference.

 

I'll be anxious to follow along as you rebuild your relationship with your wife.

 

Best wishes.

 

That would be the reason mine would end. That is so true.

[confuzd]

Thanks for the encouragement everyone,

 

It is so much harder than anyone could imagine, I just made a big mistake, and let my emotions take over, I'll explain in a minute.

 

I have read several times on many different boards that once you begin to see progress, you tend to forget what brought about the progress and you start expecting too much from the wayward spouse.

 

This is exactly what I did, I started enjoying the progress, and forgetting that she is still not 100% sure that it is safe to come back, and I did a pretty good job of proving to her that she was right, hopefully I can recover, we will see.

 

friday night, she said she might go out with some friends since she hasn't been out in a while, she has been depressed lately, and feeling very down.This is actually normal for her, she has been a depressed person as long as I have known her, she has periods where she will sink, and then periods where she is just fine.

 

I had no problem with her going out, she called that night about 930, I asked why she wasn't out and she said she didn't feel like it, I was out though, and she said she would let me go since I was out, I told her she didn't have too, but she insisted. Okay no big deal

 

the next day Saturday, she decides to go out since she didn't go out the previous day. again no big deal. the next morning I call to see if she wants to go to breakfast.

 

This is where I unravel and lose focus and just pretty much F$% up. She doesnt answer, so I call again in a half an hour and again no answer. to make a long story short, I accused her of spending the night at the OM house, and all kinds of stuff.

 

She is obviously upset, and tells me Im jumping to conclusions, that she went to the gym in the morning, and she goes off on how this shows how she can't trust that I will ever forgive her.

 

At this moment I really wasn't trying to hear what she said, I was pretty mad and my emotions were clouding my rational thought. so I kept the tension the whole day, until this morning.

 

I called and I continued to question her which obviously stressed her out, being that she was at work. She told me that I don't listen and that the marriage counselor said I need to trust her and why are we even going if I am not going to follow the MC advice.

 

All of which is true, but for me I couldn't get the thought out of my head, she ended saying again that she was not with the other guy.

 

I talked to a buddy of mine this morning, and he talked some sense into me. He told me I definitely jumped the gun, that I had no proof, and that if she was with the other guy there was nothing I could do.

 

the funny thing is that all of this all the sudden made sense and is all stuff that I know but at the moment, I had just completely lost it.

 

He said he beleives her story, and that we were making such good progress. He said that even if there was another man in the picture, which he doesn't think there is anymore, that once she fully trusted me and decided to recommit that she would cut him off completely.

 

I beleive this as well, like I said I just was not thinking rational. I called her and apologized for the way I acted, I said I was not necessarily sorry for my feeling but more for the way I reacted to them, I said that if anyone can understand how hard it is to trust after having that trust broken it would be her.

 

this was a pretty big backslide, I know I have to put this behind me and continue as I was, I will definitely give her alot more space after this event. I got a little too anxious and started expecting more than she was ready to give at the moment. I know the time will come when we will be on the same level but its only been a few months, I have to realize that and slow down, as many people here have told me.

 

Oh well back to drawing board, giving her space, and working on myself.

 

confuzd

[Mike1966]

Hey, confuzed.

 

Hang in there, my friend. None of us are perfect and after what you've been through it's understandable that it will take some time for you to truly overcome the trust issues with your wife. It definitely does not mean that you can't do it. I'm convinced that if anyone can, you can. Keep your chin up.

 

Your wife knows you love her, that point is moot. So, when given the opportunity, after the dust settles a little, don't beat a dead horse but I think a very sincere "from the bottom of the heart" apology is in order. Remind her how well things have been going with the MC and each of your commitment. The reason you are where you are is because you are a man of character who does what it takes for the woman he loves..............doesn't mean that you will be perfect and always say or do the right thing.

 

At this point hopefully your wife will understand that it will take some time and effort to work through this, and there are likely to be a few bumps along the way.

 

Don't lose heart......................keep moving forward, and as you have graciously reminded me all along, when I as losing hope, time is your friend. And, it really is, confuzed. Time is your friend, it allows you to continue to make the changes in yourself you need to make, time for your wife to see the changes and overcome her reservations, time for healing to take place for both of you.

 

Patience is so necessary, yet so hard during this process. I experience the same thing, have a great time with the wife, think we're getting back on course, then a few days of either no contact, limited contact, or an uneasy quietness between us. It's a game of inches.......................keep fighting the good fight, my friend!

[CaliGuy]

This is where I unravel and lose focus and just pretty much F$% up. She doesnt answer, so I call again in a half an hour and again no answer. to make a long story short, I accused her of spending the night at the OM house, and all kinds of stuff.

 

Confuzd, remember the words I mentioned earlier? The foundation for love is built brick upon brick by trust. Read again please "Love Must Be Tough." You should keep that book handy and refer to it as often as you can while you're struggling to rebuild your marriage.

 

All of which is true, but for me I couldn't get the thought out of my head, she ended saying again that she was not with the other guy.

 

Then you either accept her words or you do not, but I do believe that you have justification for feeling this way. Her actions are what has caused your mistrust and she really does need to go out of her way to prove to you that she is not with the other man.

 

I talked to a buddy of mine this morning, and he talked some sense into me. He told me I definitely jumped the gun, that I had no proof, and that if she was with the other guy there was nothing I could do.

 

You have no proof that she is or isn't and until she makes an honest effort to prove to you that she isn't then you have to logically assume she is. The question is are you going to continue like this? Always wondering? The counselor should be telling her that your mistrust of her will only fade when she makes a concerted effort to prove to you that you can trust her.

 

He said he beleives her story, and that we were making such good progress. He said that even if there was another man in the picture, which he doesn't think there is anymore, that once she fully trusted me and decided to recommit that she would cut him off completely.

 

This is BS. She can not commit to you if there is another man in the picture. As long as there is another man she will always waiver/ride the fence. It's impossible for a woman juggling two men to commit to either. She has to make a choice and go that direction.

 

I beleive this as well, like I said I just was not thinking rational. I called her and apologized for the way I acted, I said I was not necessarily sorry for my feeling but more for the way I reacted to them, I said that if anyone can understand how hard it is to trust after having that trust broken it would be her.

 

No my friend, your trust in her has been broken. If anyone has to prove trust in this relationship it's not you, it's HER.

 

Oh well back to drawing board, giving her space, and working on myself.

 

Yes, back to the drawing board. But do please read book as often as you can, try marriage builders and continue counseling. My point here is that if she really wants this marriage to work she'll be pushing just as hard as you to go to counseling and she will be going out of her way to prove you can trust her. So far I don't see much of either.

[BestAdvisor1]

 

This is where I unravel and lose focus and just pretty much F$% up. She doesnt answer, so I call again in a half an hour and again no answer. to make a long story short, I accused her of spending the night at the OM house, and all kinds of stuff.

 

confuzd

 

Don't be too hard on yourself, confuzd. Who can really blame you for feeling this way. It's not long ago that this exact pattern of event happened that you end up finding those pictures on her cell. On your point of view, this is the exact event like the last time, except you didn't drive around to find her.

 

Did she spent the night at the OM's or a new man's house? Only she and him know. Can you trust her, it's very obvious that you don't and you know the reasons why. It's ok to love someone, but sometime, you have to love yourself. Look out for yourself first.

 

Tand she goes off on how this shows how she can't trust that I will ever forgive her.

 

Remind me who's the one who cheated....why does that statement sound like you have to prove to her instead of that she has to prove to you that she has change. This statement doesn't seem like someone who regret or truly sorry for her actions, meaning high possibility of doing it again when the opportunity presents itself. Once again, loving someone is ok, but look out for yourself first.

[Cobra_X30]

this was a pretty big backslide, I know I have to put this behind me and continue as I was, I will definitely give her alot more space after this event. I got a little too anxious and started expecting more than she was ready to give at the moment. I know the time will come when we will be on the same level but its only been a few months, I have to realize that and slow down, as many people here have told me.

 

Oh well back to drawing board, giving her space, and working on myself.

 

confuzd

 

Hmmm... that was a pretty big backslide. It seems to me you have been so focused on winning her back you may not have taken the time to deal with this issue. Of course you have some anger and fear issues with this. You may want to take the moments you have alone to begin working this out.

 

Are you willing to take this risk? What happens if you win her back and then cant deal with the lingering issues from the affair?

 

Just a thought.

[ftheunion]

Don't ask her tons of questions. Just stay reserved and quiet. It is ok to act as a supporting friend. Get her confident of her new apartment and life. Just float on. The feelings kill you, but this isn't hostile, so just take it mellow, day by day, meal by meal. Don't bring up feelings. Touching/kissing her is ok, just be humble and shy. You two are astranged kinda. Just treat her with respect, and don't offer too much, after her place is good, don't keep offering to do stuff for her. Try to wean down contact to a few times a week.

[jmargel]

This is the ugliness that rears it's head when you don't deal with the cheating issue. It comes out in different ways and what is worse is that now you are apologizing once again and once again it seems like it's your fault. You can only have confidence in her and not feel this way when the issue of the cheating is being addressed and a plan to not have it done again.

 

Men need resolution, we need to know why, when, where, and how to prevent it from happening again. We need to resolve the issue otherwise we let our imaginations take over and think the worst.

 

Both of you are at fault here. First for her, because she has cheated and does not want to face the tough questions head on. I still believe there are things that you don't know about yet, things that would upset you very much. It is also partly your fault because you are too concerned in trying to win her back that you are pushing this cheating issue onto the back burner. I hope this is a wake up call to SHOW you that this needs to be addressed.

 

You didn't take a step back, that's what worries me. Again you are SO concerned about her that you are willing to take the fall for this one yet again. She expects it, she's has you derailed from the real issue. She has you more concerned about how SHE will react that she doesn't care about how YOU feel/react.

 

You don't trust her, she needs to prove this trust to you. It's not a right, it's earned. However I still believe she doesn't have the interest in doing this right now. Her mentality and her immaturity is preventing this from happening. That's something she needs to discover on her own.

 

I keep telling you to use the tough love approach. I hope one day you will try out that advice.