un romantic wife

[sanjay5410]

I have been married for about nine years now.My sex drive is more than my wife? We have sex about two times a week still?But i feel she is just performing duty sex and is not involved in sex,she just wants to finish it off as soon as possible.She does not like romantic ideas i mean no kissing or hugging cuddling cause she finds this very kiddish and when i tell her to improve she says be mature,she doesn't like oral sex neither on me neither on her wont let me kiss her with wet lips no licking so we have sex the normal missionary positoin thats it?she says she is there for me and she doesn't have to show this? I have bought her tons of lingerie but she doesnt wear them cause she says she is not comfortable in them i mean any material or any dress,she just wears those old fashion full lenght gowns,for her romance is out of the window?this is causing a lot of problem or am i asking for too much and be getting paranoid for her not doing small things which she says is kiddish?I want compliment for all the household chores i do,which she doesn't,cause of this i get angry over small matters and we fight like cats and dogs with volume on the highest level,we bring old problems in-laws problem and all other stuff?So i would request all especially ladies to help me out as how to understand my wife better and improve intimacy and sex life?her b'day is coming up and would want some suggestions from u folks?I love her and dont want to lose her? I even asked her if she was having an affair which she said she wasn't and this didn't go down well with her so help me out

 

well this has started may be for about three years now,basically my wife doesn't show any affection or intimacy she says she doesn't have to show it cause she is always there for me,on the other hand i would like her to show me some feelings, i tell her if she can vent her anger displeasure and other things why cant she show her love to me?one thing i know that we have been fighting and the only issue we start fighting is sex and the rest follows?i have given this a lot of thinking?my urge for sex is topmost if allowed would like to have sex daily?and one more thing that i have analyzed is that because of lack of quality sex my urge for sex has increased more,but i sleep with my wife daily hug her feel her body but she doesnt reciprocate may be i am doing too much or trying hard? she has been saying she will change but till now she hasn't and this hurts me?i feel as how much should i change. i mean i gave up smoking for her started a lot of other things as per her pleasure and in return all i asked was some physical intimacy but she stil insisits that mental intimacy is more important cause than physical intimacy will follow but i feel physical intimacy is important and than mental intimacy will follow?

 

so what should be the solution?

[PandorasBox]

You stated you both bring up old issues, and theres alot of "high volume", which I assume means yelling or being rather loud. Is it possible there's some resentment there on her part for old issues?

 

Is there a culture thing where she feels she is just supposed to have sex, with no affection/intimacy or anything? Sorry, just trying to get the whole picture here. Showing affection/intimacy, means letting the guard down and becoming emotional with someone, has something happened in her life as a child or in another relationship that has possibly caused her to put this emotional wall up?

[Ladyjane14]

Sanjay, your body produces something on the order of TWENTY times more testosterone than your wife's. She doesn't feel sexual urges in the same way you do. A woman's testosterone level, still one twentieth of yours, is highest during her twenties and continues to decline throughout her life. Monthly, along with some other hormonal elements, her sexual peaks will be right before ovulation and right before menses.

 

Oftentimes, couples who are in the first stages of romance are very sexual with one another. The infatuation stage of the relationship helps the body to produce alot of 'feel-good' chemicals from the adrenal system at that time, and this enhances the natural reproductive hormonal system.

 

THIS is the best way to engage a woman who's become bored in the bedroom... reengaging the adrenals. That means you make love outside the bedroom. And when I say that I don't mean it in a literal way. What I mean is that you spend time together tackling the little problems that are impeding your emotional intimacy. You spend time making sure that your wife feels truly loved and special to you. You be her lover "outside the bedroom" so she knows with certainty that she's your top priority.

 

There's no quick fix to this problem. It takes time and it takes education. Many women don't understand how physical intimacy is linked to emotional intimacy within the male brain. Women don't really work the same in terms of brain function. Their pathways are different. For her, emotional intimacy stands alone and physical intimacy is a byproduct of it.

 

Educating your wife on the difference between male brain function as opposed to female is a good first step. Books like The Sexless Marriage can help you. Twice a week is certainly not "sexless"... but lacking passion, you're still not getting what you need to maintain emotional intimacy within the relationship. THAT's the part she's probably not understanding.

 

Likely, you two have some underlying resentments going on. It is VERY easy for a woman who doesn't understand male sexuality to feel marginalized as a person when she perceives her husband to be only interested in sex. IOW, if she thinks that ALL you care about is sex, then she's not feeling unique and special for the person she is inside. She's feeling used. This leads to a huge chasm in emotional intimacy, built-up resentment, and a less passionate response to you.

 

Your job is to show her in words and actions that it's not so. Remember, the truth is perceived in the eye of the beholder, so if she believes that she's just a piece of meat to you... that's her truth. She'll adhere to it stubbornly on that basis until you can prove it otherwise.

[Lizzie60]

From what I read...I don't know her side... you've done pretty well what you can do... I'm afraid there is not much that can be done...

 

My sex drive is more than my wife? We have sex about two times a week still? But i feel she is just performing duty sex and is not involved in sex,she just wants to finish it off as soon as possible.

 

Most men have sex drives much higher than their wife... I don't know how old your wife is but she shouldn't be over the hill by now... but women's sexual peak is in their 40s and men in their 20s. You're right, sex is probably more of a chore for her than a pleasurable act.

 

She doesn't like oral sex neither on me neither on her wont let me kiss her with wet lips no licking so we have sex the normal missionary positoin thats it?

 

A guy I'm seeing right now is in the exact situation, sexually, missionary position only, oral sex maybe 4 times a year on her... she won't do it on him... But I give him what he needs...

 

I want compliment for all the household chores i do,

 

here I disagree... why should she compliment you on household chores...come on, this is your responsibility just like hers... do you compliment her? 'Oh sweetheart, you did a good job with the vacuum today'... no come on...you're not 8 years old.

 

her b'day is coming up and would want some suggestions from u folks?I love her and dont want to lose her?

 

I have no idea... you know her taste, get her a day at the SPA or shopping... but if you try the 'romantic stuff' my guess is that it will please YOU not her.

 

I even asked her if she was having an affair which she said she wasn't and this didn't go down well with her so help me out

 

I very much doubt that she's having an affair...

 

I think, from what I read... it's pretty much my story (except for the sex part) with my first ex.. I didn't 'love' him anymore... I felt I was with a roomate, or a brother...not a husband... so I think she's not 'in love' with you anymore... but is merely 'existing' with you and she feels comfortable with that.

 

i mean i gave up smoking for her started a lot of other things as per her pleasure and in return all i asked was some physical intimacy but she stil insisits that mental intimacy is more important cause than physical intimacy will follow but i feel physical intimacy is important and than mental intimacy will follow?

 

Your wife is selfish..she wants you to do things for her but she won't do anything for you.

 

So you've got 3 choices:

 

1) you either accept to live like that and not confront her anymore about this... (she won't change);

 

2) get sex on the side and remain in the marriage; she probably won't even ask any questions;

 

3) divorce.

[Ladyjane14]

Good grief! :rolleyes:

 

Please don't listen to posters who foment further emotional divisiveness as you address this problem, Sanjay. I know from personal experience that the only cure for lopsided-libido and lack of passion is the promotion of emotional intimacy.

 

I've been married to the same man for over 25 years, and this was a HUGE problem in our relationship for over a decade. We have overcome it.

It's do-able. But what it takes is understanding, education, and unswerving perseverance. You cannot feed your own resentments while attending to your partner's. You can't internalize the problem, attributing malevolent motives based on assumption to your partner and then expect any degree of success.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sanjay, you would get more responses if you'd use some capitalization, spaces and sentences in your post. I gave up about halfway through...

 

Mr. Lucky

[sanjay5410]

so many views and not much reply comeone guys help me out of this

[Touche]

Sanjay, you would get more responses if you'd use some capitalization, spaces and sentences in your post. I gave up about halfway through...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Me too. Sorry.

[JadeStar]

so many views and not much reply comeone guys help me out of this

 

 

I thought you were given some good replies. Especially by ladyjane. I'm not sure what you want unless you weren't told what you wanted to hear.

[Seen_It_All]

I'm not even going to bother taking the time to type suggestions to you because you're clearly RUDE and haven't even taken the time to thank those who DID take the time to reply. Reading your post also caused my eyes to bleed so I had to stop halfway through.

 

No wonder your wife is less than thrilled at the thought of being with you. I find you arrogant and ignorant and she probably does, too. Have some respect for those who took the time to address your OH-SO-LIFE-THREATENING issue here on this board. Jeez.

[sanjay5410]

Its been good going through all the replies. Honestly some of the suggestions were great especially by ladyjane and i will try to work on it. But the point lies that if i started to change i would need support from my wife?

 

On second thoughts i feel i have landed in this situation myself, so have to find a way out myself.

 

thanx everyone

[Ladyjane14]

 

On second thoughts i feel i have landed in this situation myself, so have to find a way out myself.

 

Don't quit posting. You need more education, and there are alot of folks here in the forum who'll give you some!

 

Here's another book title for you. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's a quick easy read, and good for both you and your wife to share together. In it, you'll be able to identify more specifically each of your emotional needs in order to be more fulfilled within the relationship.

 

Try reading aloud together in bed. It'll give you an opportunity for discussion, among other things.

[mental_traveller]

I partly agree with ladyjane but I feel she's being rather one-sided in her view i.e. biased towards the woman. Her main point is right though - you have to be nice and engage with her emotionally, without expecting or appearing to demand sex. You have to rekindle her desire for sex, through non-sexual means, otherwise she'll just lie there like a rag-doll and that's no fun for either of you.

 

When a woman feels loved and romanced (for it's own sake, not as a cack-handed attempt for the guy to get laid), that's when she starts to feel more like having sex with you. However, I think the woman has responsibility here too. If the guy is doing something wrong, she should say so instead of just bottling it all up. So, my advice sanjay is to just be a bit of a prince charming for the next 6 months, be romantic but just for it's own sake, act like you would when initially trying to woo a woman, try to get her to communicate as well. And let her initiate sex/physical intimacy more. If she starts to respond positively, and comments on how she prefers the "new you", then you know you are on the right track. But if after 6 months she shows no change at all, then I suggest you just get a divorce because she is a lost cause. You only live once and it's a tragedy to spend your life with a frigid woman.