love necessity Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 3.5 years, and living together for almost 3 years in Aug. We moved in together at the young age of 18. He mainly did it for me, because I didn't have place to live. I had been living on my own since I was 16 (long story behind that, I'll explain if someone asks--hardlife =(, but I'm ok now). Anyway to cut to the chase, we do have our ups and downs, agreements and disagreements. however, nothing to bad. I think the worse thing that has become of this relationship is trust. Lately, I haven't trusted him at all. Not with fixing my car, hanging out with friends, or even him talking to girls at a drive threw window. I have actually confronted him on one of my paranoid thoughts. We were driving down the street and there were some girls walking, and I seen him take a peek in his side mirror. I said "why don't you break your kneck". He got really made at me and we started arguing. Eventually we made up. Since then, I have been seriously jump at even more situations, but I don't confront him about it. The trust issue all started about 2 mos. ago. When me and my bf first moved in togehter, the first year was great, so great that we gained weight. I would call it comfortable. I gained like 60 lbs, and my bf gained about 70 lbs. I weighed 140 at the time we moved in and he about 220. After gaining all that weight, I weighed 200 lbs, and he 290 lbs. Mind you he is very tall. He also has very thick legs, so he didn't even look like he weighed that much. Me on the other hand, I'm 5'2, and short and stocky. Uggg.. I hate talking about my weight, because it seems like a battle I can't even start. Anyway. After about 2 years, he started getting tired of his weight, and read book after book on health. He can tell you about the whole muscular system and process of digestion now. Then he started to work out everyday. He lifts weights. He's been doing it for about 8 mos. He lost 70 lbs. Which I am very happy for him. At times I get jealous, because he's always looking in the mirror, and flexing his muscles. Then he is always talking about weight, and his diet, so he does act like a health freak. All of this and I'm still the same old me I weight 200 lbs still. I can't even start a program. He is always trying to get me to go to the gym, but I just don't. I'm so lazy. Even he calls me lazy. It hurts too, because he just finds it so easy to do everything, but me I can't. I have no motivation. I always ask him if he's going to dump me after he looks the way he wants ( dont' ask me why) but he just claims that he won't. Also, he has never been a drinker. He never wants to drink with me. One day I asked him if he'll ever start drinking, just playing with him, and he said yes, but not until he gets to the ways he wants to look. So I basically percieved this as meaning, "yeah, I'll go out when I look good". But anyways, he is losing all this weight, trying to get me to do a program, which I have membership to a gym, so I could. Yet, I don't. What should I do. I am a very pretty girl. I use to get so many compliments all the time. Do you think he will leave me in the end? Also, if anyone has any advice on how what I should do, please help. Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 I think you should get to the gym and stop eating so much!It's only a matter of time that a fitness freak will get disgusted by the fat you are allowing to put on. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 I think you should get to the gym and stop eating so much!It's only a matter of time that a fitness freak will get disgusted by the fat you are allowing to put on. Well that was probably just a tad uncalled for. Sounds like she is already insecure enough as it is. and if he is the type that is superficial because she isn't absolutely perfect, then he isn't worth 2 squirts of piss. On the other hand, may drive him away because of her insecurities. Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 "Isn't absolutely perfect" is a little underexaggerated for a 60 lb weight gain. That is a large amount to gain. Instead of going nuts about it and worry to death, why not go to the damn gym? Not only would it help you mentally but physically for your health. Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 Do it for yourself, the rest will fall into place. I'm sure you want to feel the best you can about yourself. You are still young, it will be easier to do it now then if you start later. Some gyms give a free trainer when you 1st sign up, or maybe if you can afford to hire one for the first few sessions to get you motivated? I don't think being motivated by fear is the best way to go, but people are motivated by negative things generally, if you want to do it so you won't feel so unequal with your BF, it does not sound like you feel too good right now, then let that be your motivation, whatever works for YOU at this point. I have heard many stories of one partner gaining weight and either one of 2 things happen....... 1) the other leaves them. Only then did the person lose the weight and get back into shape, to work off the grief. or 2)Some people stay together and the partner that gained the weight feels increasingly insecure and possessive, as they feel they have become unequal, yet can't find the will to change themselves to the way they were when the partner 1st met them. This puts strain on the relationship, and both tend to be extra unhappy Both choices are bad, and that is the reality you are heading to, we don't know which one. Only you can make the 3rd choice, to find the will in yourself to be who you once were physically. You sound like a strong girl who has been through a lot and figured out a way in life without outside help, I believe you can do it, if you put your mind to it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 Do you think he will leave me in the end? It's very possible. Not because he doesn't like how you look, but because your interests and activities are clearly diverging (working out, healthy eating, fitness). And as he continues to lose weight and maybe starts going out more often, then you are likely to grow further apart. Also, it's likely that arguments and hard feelings will develop as you grow more uncertain and insecure, and he tries to deal with that, as well as you trying to deal with his attitude about fitness and food. Basically, you are already becoming different people who are likely to find yourselves incompatible. My suggestion would be to try changing things up a bit. Maybe you don't want to go to the gym, but there are other things that you can do that you might find to be a LOT more fun. Dance classes (my favorite is belly dancing and it's all women of every size, shape, and age) are great and can help you get in shape. Bike riding is low impact and is something you and your bf can do together. Walking for 30-45 minutes a day can be a great way to start getting your cardio and lose weight, and it's also something your bf can do with you. Hiking, if you live near forest trails, lakes, oceans, and mountains is just breathtakingly beautiful and can be something you do together. Yoga and pilates classes can help strengthen and tone your muscles and don't require weight lifting, if you don't like weight lifting, plus yoga is just sooo wonderful for clearing your head and making you feel calm and energized at the same time. Point being, there are a lot of ways to get exercise and lose weight without having to go the gym (which I personally hate, too, by the way). Just because he likes the gym, doesn't mean you are stuck with that as your only option. Think about what you might enjoy and pick something you think would be fun to try. If you don't like that, try another thing. It doesn't have to feel like a chore - you can enjoy what you're doing and be having fun. Another approach to try is the food. I know you're saying you don't want to stop eating food you like, but there are lots of healthy food out there that don't have to taste bad. Take a healthy cooking class with your bf. Learn how to use spices and sauces to make healthy lean meats and fish taste great. Learn how pasta can be healthy if you toss some grilled shrimp and veggies in there. Learn how to cut down on the pound of butter for cakes and cookies and use only a half pound and some applesauce for the same great taste. Take an Asian cooking class which relies on veggies and lean meats and less on fatty cheeses and eggs. Point being, you don't have to give up tasty food. Both of you will be eating better and will have fun taking up a new hobby together. You can't resist every change and expect to grow and develop your relationship with your bf. But you don't have to do it exactly his way. You also have to seek out new ways to be with him and to do things together so you don't end up drifting apart. Link to post Share on other sites
squeak Posted June 30, 2007 Share Posted June 30, 2007 By the way, I would never ever suggest you do something you did not want to, to keep a BF. From your post, you just sound so down and confused, about yourself and your relationship, due to the changes in the last year. If you were saying "I feel great-why is he telling me to go to the gym?" I'd be like "yeah! tell him to back off!" but you just don't sound happy with it yourself. And reading it, many of your concerns stem from what HE will do based on if you stay the same or not. But it sounds like it will just make you happier with yourself, and then you can take things from there. I know it is easier said than done, but I sympathize with you and hope you do what you need to , to feel good about yourself again!! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 1, 2007 Share Posted July 1, 2007 "Isn't absolutely perfect" is a little underexaggerated for a 60 lb weight gain. That is a large amount to gain. Instead of going nuts about it and worry to death, why not go to the damn gym? Not only would it help you mentally but physically for your health. Well..going to the gym alone aint gonna do it. She would have to change her diet. Going to the gym is a waste of time if she still eats the same stuff that gained the weight. Link to post Share on other sites
ridingthebulls Posted July 1, 2007 Share Posted July 1, 2007 Well..going to the gym alone aint gonna do it. She would have to change her diet. Going to the gym is a waste of time if she still eats the same stuff that gained the weight. I'm sorry but any doctor would agree that exercise is NEVER a waste of time.And btw, I mentioned to stop her high food intake in my first post so you are just reiterating my comments. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 1, 2007 Share Posted July 1, 2007 I'm sorry but any doctor would agree that exercise is NEVER a waste of time.And btw, I mentioned to stop her high food intake in my first post so you are just reiterating my comments. Its a waste of time where losing weight is concerned if you don't eat right. It may not be a waste of time with regards to general health. But if you don't eat right, then exercise isn't going to make a difference in losing weight. Link to post Share on other sites
RIDINGTHEBULLS1 Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 Its a waste of time where losing weight is concerned if you don't eat right. It may not be a waste of time with regards to general health. But if you don't eat right, then exercise isn't going to make a difference in losing weight. So diet remaining unchanged, are you stating that you believe she would gain the same amount whether active or sedentary? I honestly doubt that as well. It's not a waste of time health-wise or weight-wise. That excuse is for the lazy and doesn't even make sense. I can attest to the fact that I never changed my diet and lost 20 lbs I put on in 1 1/2 months JUST by adding exercise to my regimen. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I'll tell you this key advice, as I tell my girlfriend! If you would have gathered the courage to hit the gym on a regular basis a few months ago, you would have already lost 1/4 or even a 3/4 of the weight by now! Basically, You have to get off your bum and go to the gym with your boyfriend. I mean you won't be able to handle a strict diet/schedule yet, but work your way up to it. Eventually you'll build stamina, lose weight, and gain confidence in yourself with a, 'can do' attitude! You look good now, people say, but don't you want to look your absolute best? To answer your question: Will he leave me? No, he's not going to leave you. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 So diet remaining unchanged, are you stating that you believe she would gain the same amount whether active or sedentary? I honestly doubt that as well. Take it from me. I've been there. I gained a good 30 lbs once my first kid was born. My diet didn't change, but I started working out every day. I put on a little muscle, but you wouldn't know it because the fat still covered them up and I still had a gut. While I didn't gain anymore weight, I sure wasn't losing the fat at all. So only when I changed my diet about 4 years ago did it make the difference. Any trainer will tell you, you can have rock hard abs, but you'll never see them if a layer of fat is covering them up. Now after changing my diet, I'm back to looking how I did when I was 25. and for the first time I have that washboard stomach. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 I have no motivation. Isn't the thought of losing him enough motivation? He just might... This isn't about your weight or appearance per se, it's about your lifestyle choice. Your BF had made huge improvements in the quality of his life - he is now active and feeling good about himself. Longterm, he's going to want to be with someone who has the same/similar health and fitness focus, and someone who cares enough to take care of themselves. I'm sure you don't need me to regurgitate what he's likely telling you - that over 200 pounds on a 5'2'' frame simply isn't healthy. You don't seem to have an excuse other than "I'm lazy," and ... well ... that's just not good enough. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 You could work out 20 sound reasons that he's going to break up with you, but in the end the one I like is: "7's date 7's." Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 You could work out 20 sound reasons that he's going to break up with you, but in the end the one I like is: "7's date 7's." That's not necessarily true. All 7's don't just want 7's. There are fat people who only like skinny people, and vice versa. My main concern is health. Would he leave me because of health issues? I guess it took me a while to figure it out, but I truly love this man and I know he loves me. I find myself even asking why I asked this question in the first place? I guess I was scared. Just the thought of losing him, scares me. So, I know what I need to do. I found a website: http://exrx.net I know it'll help me. I already have a membership, now I got to put some use to it.. hah.. I will be back to myself soon, and even healthier than ever. I will even post results, when I am ready. Link to post Share on other sites
love necessity Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Just wanted to say "THANK YOU"!! to everyone for the postings. I know what I need to do. As a matter of a fact, I am going to work out today at 7 pm... It's not the "ANGRY MOTIVATION" either, it's more like the "I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR MYSELF", because I do want to feel better about myself in the long run!! SO thank you all! Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Just wanted to say "THANK YOU"!! to everyone for the postings. I know what I need to do. As a matter of a fact, I am going to work out today at 7 pm... It's not the "ANGRY MOTIVATION" either, it's more like the "I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR MYSELF", because I do want to feel better about myself in the long run!! SO thank you all! Oh don't discount "angry motivation"....It helped me get ripped! And it was a healthy release for my anger. Link to post Share on other sites
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