Am I Overreacting or Jealous

[nooneuno]

I found out my girlfriend (G) spent some time alone driving around early in the morning "talking" with a guy (J) she met through a couple of friends. G didn't tell me about it until after I found out indirectly. She said she didn't tell me because I would just get upset, jump to conclusions and accuse her of cheating on me.

 

She met J through a friend of hers (S). My girlfriend met S, her boyfriend (P) and J at a bar last Saturday night. After they bar, they went to P's house where P and S both passed out. She says she and J spend time talking about J's girlfriend and the problems they were having. They both decided to go for a drive and talk. She says that's all they did was drive around and talk. She says she has no attraction to him, he is in a committed relationship, and she thinks he's "creepy". She wouldn't admit she was even with him until I told her I knew.

 

I later found an email where she thanked him for a fun night and told him how awesome it was watching the sunrise from a mountain spot with him. He replied that he enjoyed "throwing caution to the wind" that night and how he broke up with his girlfriend and it was difficult (I assume this is what they were talking about).

 

So I've caught her in at least three lies - she didn't tell me she was alone, driving around with him; she hasn't been truthful about his relationship status; and she didn't tell me the full story about them driving around i.e. watching the sunrise from the mountains.

 

I don't think my girlfriend's behavior was appropriate even if she did tell me about it. The fact that she denied it in the first place and was dishonest about it tells me there is more to it than she's telling me. I'm also concerned she's still not telling me the full story because she still hasn't told me about his breakup and watching the sunrise together.

 

Am I overreacting? Is my girlfriend's behavior acceptable? Should I believe that there was nothing else to this?

[norajane]

You are not over reacting. She hid this from you, then she lied about it, and then she lied some more by telling you she thought he was creepy. Believe me, women do not go to watch sunrises with guys they think are creepy.

 

Your gf is totally lying about this. She is attracted to him, she went for a ride with him because she was attracted to him and liked him and had probably been flirting with him all night. Then they 'threw caution to the wind' which can mean sooooo many things - kisses as the sun rose, perhaps?. Then she kept in contact with him and told him what a great time she had. NOW, he's broken up with his gf and is single and available. I think you might be in trouble - she's ripe for cheating.

[Trialbyfire]

I completely agree with norajane. No one agrees to be confined in a car for hours watching the sunrise with a creepy guy.

 

I would explain all your reasons why and kick her to the curb. Sorry but I have no sympathy for cheaters.

[Bryanp]

My friend if the roles were reversed do you honestly believe that your girlfriend would accept such crap from you? You would have to be in big time denial to believe her story and I think you know this.

[squeak]

I have nothing else to add that hasn't been stated more eloquently except if you need any more confirmation, the parts you found out indirectly (not through her) say a lot compared to what she actually told you.

 

This part:

He replied that he enjoyed "throwing caution to the wind" that night and how he broke up with his girlfriend and it was difficult

 

Watching the sunset and reading that response in an email, after she sent one saying she enjoyed their time together!!??

 

that would make me crazy.

 

Be glad you sniffed out something was up, and did some investigating on your own. At least you know now you can trust your instincts that something was up. I wonder how you found out indirectly about the hangout to begin with? Pure accident or inquiring on your part?

[nooneuno]

I came across the email while we were listing stuff on craigslist - I went to go confirm a listing and saw it.

 

I haven't told her I know about the sunrise, his girlfriend status, or the email.

 

Another thing that struck me as funny was she let it slip that he emailed her first. "Why?" I asked. Her answer: because her girlfriend S gave him her email address so she could send the pictures from that night. Every time I've exchanged pictures - I've gotten the email address I'm sending the pictures to not the other way around.

 

I have another couple of questions: how inappropriate is it to try contacting him (J)? Her story about how they know each other is he (J) is P's (my girlfriend's girlfriend's boyfriend's :-)) friend and they never met before that night. I don't believe it for some reason - my gut instinct again. Should I contact him and respectfully ask for an explanation? Should I contact P to verify the friendship? I've met P once so we're not really friends. Am I totally crazy for wanting to validate (or hopefully invalidate) my beliefs? Would I be out of line?

 

Thanks for all the responses - you have been very helpful. Sometimes it's good just knowing you're not crazy.

[norajane]

No, you don't need to contact anyone but your gf. SHE is the one who owes you some explanations.

 

Just calmly tell her that her story about this guy seems to be full of omissions, holes and untruths, and that you are aware that she isn't being honest with you. And that you aren't going to continue being in a relationship with someone who won't be honest with you.

 

And then just sit there quietly until she tells you everything, and if she doesn't mention the emails and sunrises, you KNOW she's continuing to lie. And if she continues to lie, what more do you really need to know about her? She's someone who is willing to lie to you to suit herself, to protect herself and whatever she did and is doing with that guy. A woman who is willing to lie to you is not a woman you should be spending any more of your valuable time with.

[nooneuno]

No, you don't need to contact anyone but your gf. SHE is the one who owes you some explanations.

 

Just calmly tell her that her story about this guy seems to be full of omissions, holes and untruths, and that you are aware that she isn't being honest with you. And that you aren't going to continue being in a relationship with someone who won't be honest with you.

 

And then just sit there quietly until she tells you everything, and if she doesn't mention the emails and sunrises, you KNOW she's continuing to lie. And if she continues to lie, what more do you really need to know about her? She's someone who is willing to lie to you to suit herself, to protect herself and whatever she did and is doing with that guy. A woman who is willing to lie to you is not a woman you should be spending any more of your valuable time with.

 

Thanks - I agree but it is so hard. It took hours of talking for her to admit she even went on a drive with him. I'm positive she won't tell me anything that she believes I don't know - even if it will save our relationship. It's frustrating and I thought having more information about that night (either truth or untruth) would convince her to tell me everything.

 

I don't want to turn this into proving she is wrong or she lied or she is a bad person. That's not the point. I need to decide if I believe our relationship is worth saving. I need to believe that she wants to work on whatever is wrong and the reasons for her actions. If she doesn't trust me enough or think our relationship is valuable enough to tell me everything on her own without my "leverage" - maybe it's not worth saving?

 

I accept her unconditionally - I just wish she knew that. That's what love is right? Accepting the other's thoughts, feelings, actions, without judgement - or at least with compassion and a desire to understand them.

 

Thanks again.

[norajane]

You already know enough to know that she's continuing to lie to you. She's not even willing to admit the stuff you already know. If it took you hours to get her to tell you about the drive, the last thing she's going to tell you is what they did together before or after watching the sun rise, like have sex in that car in that lovely secluded spot.

 

It's not that she doesn't trust you enough to tell you. It's that she cheated on you and won't tell you about it. That's a very different thing.

 

And no - unconditional love is what people have for their children. But you can't unconditionally love a gf or wife - because cheating, lying, abuse, etc. crosses the boundaries of what is acceptable behavior. IF you love a woman unconditionally, that ends up making you her doormat because you will accept anything she does. There should be conditions. Honesty and fidelity should be two of them.

[Trialbyfire]

In order to decide if the relationship is worth salvaging, you need to know the lengths of deceit she's willing to go to, to hide these facts. The alternative is to realize that you don't really trust her and consider the relationship a bust. It really depends on the type of person you are. In my situation, I needed all the proof I could get because for me, I rarely make a decision based solely on gut or very limited information.