My ex agreed to meet on Monday to 'talk'...

[alasia]

Hi, this isn't really a second chance scenario, but I wasn't sure which other forum it would be best suited to!

 

For anyone who doesn't know my story, my ex is 44 but has the mindset of a much younger man - his mother lives over the road from him and he's very attached to her (he won't go anywhere without telling her first, she still cooks some of his meals, things like that), he's quite insecure, stubborn, find it almost impossible to talk about and share his feelings, is you say anything he doesn't like the sound of (even constructive criticism) he takes it as you 'having a go' and gets very defensive/clams up...he's a bit of a nightmare, basically! Impossible to 'read' and very hard to talk to.

 

A lot has gone on between us; we split in January after a huge argument in which I lashed out, we've both done things we regret and a week after we split up, I found out I was pregnant (we'd been talking about having a baby, had been living together etc).

A couple of tense/changeable months followed, and then in April he said he still loved me and wanted to give the relationship another go; but he changed his mind 2 days later, blaming a mood I'd got into one night after he'd finished work (I was staying with him at the time, and had been for 3 weeks before that. While I was staying there we started getting on really well, joking around, chatting, he ws rubbing my tummy and talking to the baby, we were 'intimate' and he was kissing me all the time, even before he left for work. To me, it felt like we were a couple again).

I have no clue whether he meant it or not (I'm guessing not), but if he did, I think it's strange that he can go from apparently still loving me, to having no feelings at all less than a week later!

He's now at the point where he says he wants nothing to do with me (and a few weeks ago this included the baby too, apparently), if I try and talk about the pregnancy he falls silent or tells me to 'stop going on' about it and he's adamant he wants a DNA test when the baby's born. Oh, he's also moving house next week and won't give me his new address...

 

He has however, agreed to meet up on Monday, hand some of my things over and 'talk'. This came about when I went to meet him to give him a list of the stuff I needed, he offered to take it to my parents' house after he'd finished work one night but as he finishes after midnight, I said it wouldn't be fair on my parents - as they'd be in bed by that time.

 

He couldn't make it any other time, and I think I said something about how silly all this 'attitude' is between us; how I'm running around trying to avoid him, he makes petty or snide comments every time he sees me, it's playground stuff. I said that if he'd just given me an hour to talk and put my point across, this could have all been avoided.

He then said "I offered to meet you weeks ago". I said that was true, but I knew he wouldn't actually follow through and turn up - to which he said he would, then suggested we meet "on neutral ground" on Monday after he finishes work (he's only working until 3PM that day).

He promised me he'd turn up, he wouldn't be rushing me along and hurrying to get home to the pub (as he usually does on a Monday), but now I'm having second thoughts about meeting him....

 

For a few reasons really; the main one being I'm not sure there's anything to talk about anymore?

I know that there are things I want to say, but it's all stuff that's been said before - albeit when he's at work and we're in the middle of an argument, usually. Maybe when we're both calm and I can word what I need to say a bit better, it might have more impact; I'm not sure.

 

I also get the feeling that he doesn't really want to meet me, and may have just said it to keep me happy (not expecting me to agree).

He definitely doesn't want to attempt a reconciliation and I doubt he'll ever want to be friends, so do you think there's any point in trying to get things back on slightly more civil terms, or should I just give up the ghost and accept that it won't ever happen?

 

I don't think about him much anymore (apart from at night sometimes when the baby kicks, and it reminds me of him - but I don't get upset, just a bit "aww...", you know?) and I'm perfectly happy going for a few weeks without seeing him (lately it's been around 2-3 weeks in between each contact - a few months ago I was practically stalking him every day!), but I admit I do still have that little part at the back of my mind, wishing we could give things another go, start from scratch and all that. I know that will never happen though, and I miss the friendship part of 'us' more than anything - just being able to tell him about my day, catching up once in a while; that's what I want to get back, if I can.

 

I'd also like him to be at the birth of our baby - the baby is due in 9 and a half weeks and if I'm honest, half of me is worried it will feel uncomfortable with him being in the birthing room, and half of me would like him to be there so he gets to see his son being born - thought it might also help the bonding process, in case he does decide he wants to see his son in future (unlikely I think, but he's been seeing his current youngest son regularly for a few weeks now, so it's possible). I have no idea how to go about telling him the reasons I'd like him to be there and ask him, without it coming across like I want to be with him or want him there for any other reason than as father of the baby - any ideas?

 

I could also do with a bit of advice on just generally how to play it - keep things chatty and light, not mention the baby, 'us' or being friends and just ask about his day or whatever; then leave and hope he'll be more open to chatting again in a few weeks?

Or go straight in there, offload everything I have to say and hope he takes it well - just in case he doesn't ever want to speak to me again in future?! At least I'd have got it all out!

 

Oh and also; are my instincts right? At the moment they're saying I shouldn't bother talking at all, and should just collect my stuff and go.

What do you guys think?

 

Sorry for the looong post

[chryssy83]

You say he's 44...how old are you?

 

Here's my 2 cents.....if there wasn't a baby involved I'd say that you should collect your things and go. When any relationship ends you have that "awww" feeling every once in a while. Someone else can take that place.

 

HOWEVER, with a child on the way you certainly do have things to discuss. Like how he plans to support and care for this baby. You are doing your child a disservice if you let this guy off the hook financially, etc. Are you in the U.S.? If so, you should definitely get paternity established, I don't know exactly how it works in other countries, but I'm sure it's similar. Maybe if you need to meet up and talk, it's because he's the father of your child.

 

If you talk to him, maybe just tell him that he's the dad, you want him to be involved, and you would like him to know that he's welcome at the birth (uncomfortable maybe, but if he wants to be there and it won't be unduly stressful for you then he should be there). Tell him that you want to have a good relationship because it's best for your son. You want to be able to communicate about what's going on with your sweet baby because it's best for the baby. Maybe he'll respond well to that.

 

As far as the relationship is concerned, it sounds like you are moving on well and he's not worth making the effort for. Some people are likely to disagree, but I don't believe that having a child together is a reason to force a romantic relationship or marriage. Doesn't sound like he's interested in it, anyway, so that may not matter.

 

I think that if your gut says there's nothing to say, there's nothing to say. Focus on the excitement of becoming a mother and make sure you cover your legal bases, and then move on with your life.

 

(By the way, congratulations!!!)

[chryssy83]

Ah! I remember you now...I read one of your other posts. You're 23, and this guy has some issues.

 

I'm glad you're doing better not being around him. Are you more excited about the baby now than you were a few weeks back? I'm really interested to hear more about how you're doing...

[alasia]

I'm so much better, thanks!

I really have no clue why I found it so hard to get over this guy; I've had one or two short relationships before but I've always been able to move on fairly easily.

 

Anyway I recently signed a lease on a new 2 bedroom house, it's really close to the town centre and everything so my main focus is on that at the moment - only problem is, I now have a nursery to decorate!

 

Moving also solves the problem of seeing my ex on the buses - I only ever used to catch his bus from the town I'm currently in, to Stafford, which is where I'm moving to. So once I'm living there, I'll still occasionally see him driving past or parked at the bus stop, but I've got no reason to catch his bus anymore which is a huge relief.

 

I'm still not totally over him, but I think a lot of my 'feelings' might be just that I'm feeling vulnerable being in the late stages of pregnancy - before, I had proper loving feelings for him and missed being with him, and now it's more practical stuff - like I wish I had him there to rub my back or help me move house next week!

It would also be nice to have him there when I go into labour, so I can do that thing of trying to wake him up to get him to take me to the hospital! I think my feelings for him have lessened; or at least, changed.

Now I'd just like 'someone' there, rather than specifically him - does that make sense?

Not denying the fact I do still have some of those loving feelings though, and if he said he'd changed his mind and wanted to try again I'd be ecstatic - although I'd obviously still turn him down; I wouldn't ever trust him again but still, it would be nice if he did redevelop feelings for me!

 

As for the baby, well I am feeling much more settled with the idea, I'm kind of getting impatient for him to be born now though - not because I want to meet him, but because it's bloomin' painful!

Keep getting all crampy and it really hurts when he moves around now, but I know he needs to 'cook' for a few weeks longer yet!

 

Now...back to your reply

In your first post you said I have things to discuss; but that's the thing, I'm not sure whether I do, really. He's not the type of man that takes care of his kids, we know that from my previous posts. He's started seeing his youngest son regularly, but he leaves it up to the mother to bring her son around and if she doesn't, he won't chase after her. I don't know whether he has an an easy going nature, or is just plain lazy! Probably the latter.

 

A few weeks ago, I asked if he wanted to know when the baby's been born and he said no. We were arguing at the time so he could have said it just to hurt me, but if he actually meant it (given that he's still not really showing an interest in the baby; he hasn't mentioned it, the most I get is him looking down at my stomach once in a while!) then is there any point in me asking how he's planning on supporting the baby? He'll just say "I'm not bothered", or else I'll look like I can't take in what he's saying (that he wants nothing to do with either me or our son).

 

I'm tempted to go down the route of telling him that I'm glad he's the father of the baby, hope the baby has his eyes and I don't want him to be a stranger to his son - it's all true but recently, pretty much all I've been doing is kind of blaming him for 'getting' me pregnant and saying how much I wish he wasn't the father. The last time I saw him, I said something like "I can't believe you said you wanted a baby just to avoid using contraception!" (we were both in a bit of a mood at that time) and he replied "well, I'm sorry I didn't use anything!". Not sure if he was admitting that I was right, or if it was just something to say.

 

That's the thing with him; he says so many different things and it's hard to know when he's being honest and when he's just trying to hurt you. The other week he said " a lot of the stuff I say, I don't mean it and it's just to hurt you" and last time I saw him, I said something about him hating me and he said "it's not that..." then trailed off. He always says "it's not that" when I say something negative but never actually what it is!

 

This is why I'm not sure if it is a good idea to try and talk...

[chryssy83]

Do you plan on making him financially support the baby?

[alasia]

I don't know; he's very money-orientated - whenever he sees me he brings up the child support thing, like I'm only after his money. He's never once said he'd like to see the baby.

 

My claim for child support will automatically go through when the baby's born unless I opt out (and you have to have good reason to do that), but when it goes through, he won't actually be made to pay any more money (well, his payments will rise by about 5%), meaning he's currently paying £50 per week for the son he already has, and will be paying about £57 when this baby's born - that £57 will be split between myself, and the mother of the other child. It seems silly to me; the ones losing out are the children!

 

Having to pay for the baby will just make my ex more determined not to see him (that's unfortunately how his mind works), so personally I'd rather just forget about the money and see if I can get him to take an interest in the baby. Not that it will be an easy task.

 

I'm seeing him in about 4 hours so anymore advice on how to bring up the topic of him seeing the baby etc, would be great...

[chryssy83]

Do you want him to take an interest in the baby for the baby or for you?