Steppenwolf Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 Hi folks-- Recenlty found the site and am interested in some objective input from people as seasoned and well intentioned as you ;-) I am 28 years old. Married for 4 years with two young daughters. I was recently diagnosed with depression and am seeking counseling and have been on Prozac for approximately 30 days. I did this for my wife. See--she was extremely prepared to walk out on me with the kids in December. Of course, it was a big fight that brought the thing to a head, but the more important (and tragic) thing was to learn she has been unhappy for some time now. When I heard that, I nearly collapsed with despair. I mean, I don't drink, smoke, cheat, or abuse my wife. Of course things were not all rosey, but I did not fathom exactly the magnitude of my wife's unhappiness. Basically, when I break it down she feels "cheated" that she fell in love with me during a time when I was not so depressed. For those of you not familiar with the disorder, we have peaks and valleys. More valleys than peaks, though. In any event, she convinced herself that my devotion to my work and irritable nature were just things she had to accept. Over time, these things grated on her and she (a woman of beautiful disposition) became increasingly detached and uncaring toward me. Of course I can see these things now with open communication and the help of the terapist. I mean, my parents left me with some real crappy marital habits that I have seemed to unknowingly perpetuated through the years. In fact, the doc feels I have been depressed for many many years now due to my parent's "horridly sick and co-dependent" marriage. Now that I am on the road to recovery (my wife reports things are "a million perfect better") my question to you folks is, what do I do to get my wife and my life back in the groove? She has certainly warmed up to me over recent weeks, but she's afraid it all may snap back and she doesn't want to fully vest herself just yet. Can you blame her? Having said all that, what advice can you give a guy who loves his wife and kids and wants desperately to keep them and rekindle that special magic? I know there's no secret recipe for this, but your input will be a help to me. Thanks all! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted February 18, 2003 Share Posted February 18, 2003 have you guys thought about joint counseling? That would be of tremendous benefit, because BOTH of you would receive tools on how to make your relationship work. And I think it would go a long way in showing her that you're serious about your marriage, wanting to do this with her. keep the faith, man, because when she sees how much you are willing to work toward your marriage, it's going to inspire her to do the same because she loves you. good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Dragonflys Posted February 19, 2003 Share Posted February 19, 2003 Whta you are doing right now is impressive already. You have made the effort to deal with your clinical depression and you have become aware of the codependant habits that you learned from your parents. It sounds like your wife is responding in a positive manner as well. Your only task from now on is to be vigilant of your own moods and never consider you work 'done'. It's important for you to realise that even though your wife is happier and more positive, her past with you is still in her memory like a warning. Things could get back to square one real quick if you have a serious episode so you should always be vigilant that you are taking you medication, and that if you do not feel well to stay out of her way. Hopefully those valleys are rare now. Nothing will give you security that 'all is fine now' but with time things will get better and better and the bad memories will be further and further toward the back of the mind. There is no quick fix, it's a slow consisitent process. Just keep it up. Oliver Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steppenwolf Posted February 19, 2003 Author Share Posted February 19, 2003 Quankanne-- Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. My wife will be joining our next session. I have learned, over the past few weeks, she harbors alot of anger toward me. I am hopeful working with the counselor will make it easier to communicate those feelings and for me to understand her better. For now, I just plan to keep on keepin' on. -Step Link to post Share on other sites
Firefly Posted February 20, 2003 Share Posted February 20, 2003 Step- I think you are doing a great job to get your marriage back on track. Communication is very important, and attending counseling together should help alot. I can't say I blame her, as I was in a similar situation. In fact I was the one that ended up on an anti depressant. I didn't want to leave the relationship because of our children, but I was very unhappy. My advice is to make sure she knows how special she is to you. Make her feel important and tell her you love her. Sometimes it's the little things that make us feel good, call her during the day just to let her know you're thinking about her, or surprise her with a card and her fav. candy. Remember all the cute and romantic things you did when you were dating... start doing those again, it will help "rekindle that special magic". I wish you the very best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Steppenwolf Posted February 24, 2003 Author Share Posted February 24, 2003 Hi Firefly-- I wanted to thank you for your encouraging and kind note. Any advice if helpful at this time. Many thanks! -Step Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted February 24, 2003 Share Posted February 24, 2003 As someone who knows about chronic depression / bi-polar disorder AND co-dependency, I'm glad to see you are on the right track. Her anger is normal, as is her fear. The more she learns about this disease and what can happen, the more she will be able to deal with it in a positive manner, and not be so afraid or angry. It's important that she not only go to counseling with you, but she may need to talk to a counselor alone as well because she has feelings that she may not be able to reveal in front of you. Depression is scary and hard to deal with. I would be divorced myself now, if there hadn't been that "in sickness and in health" clause in our marriage contract. Now that I am on the road to recovery (my wife reports things are "a million perfect better") my question to you folks is, what do I do to get my wife and my life back in the groove? She has certainly warmed up to me over recent weeks, but she's afraid it all may snap back and she doesn't want to fully vest herself just yet. This concerns me a little. You both need to know that you can never go back. No one can. All you can do it go forward. And it can be better than it was before. I hope that you wife is not too quick to bolt at the first sign of a low. That puts WAY to much pressure on you and you don't need any more. You also need to know that if she leaves you, it is not wholly because of your disease. She holds responsibility in the marriage too and her inability to continue a commitment has to do with HER not with you - don't take on blame that you shouldn't. It's very easy to give and take blame, and requires a lot less effort and honest than to open oneself up for hurt or responsibility. There is a difference in knowing about a disease and coping with it for years and finally admitting she is not strong enough to deal with it any longer; and just finding out about a disease and exclaiming "well, that it explains it" and packing her bags so that the next time you hit a valley she can use it to justify her leaving without taking any responsibility. Good luck with this, I know the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts