Wants some space, and time

[heartoutside]

We've been dating for over 3 years, and have lived together for 2. And from our perspective and from others, everything was going well. We never got in fights, we travelled together, something she loved doing with me (as well as shopping). We're each others best friends and know everything about each other. But she comes from a broken background; her mother left her when she was young and her father was an addict, so she's lived on her own since she was 15. She's been in several relationships since moving out on her own, all lasted no longer then 2 years, with not much of a break between each relationship, just from one to the other. She and I were proud that we had been together for 3 years, and were talking about gettig married, and when I would propose.

While dating, I pushed her to get her GED and then Pushed her to college (something she wanted to do, I just gave her the support). She's loving college, and is making all the college friends and enjoying the college life. I'm pursuing a career and have been out of college for a few years but still like to have fun. So we're on two different paths, but have always supported each. My career though hasn't taken off as I had talked about and she had hoped and I haven't pushed to make it grow, something she wanted me to do (but something I only realzied after we first broke up).

 

About a week ago I went away on a business trip and I returned to a different person. She couldn't look me in the eyes, but oddly enough, the day she broke up with me, that morning she made me breakfast....3 days later out of the blue, she said "we need to talk, I need a break, I need some space, i don't know what I want?"

 

But while I was gone, something happened. Her father had come to stay at out apartment, and she hasn't really spent much time with him in several years at least when he's been sober (and this is the longest he has been sober). He just had his heart broken by another women and he told my girlfriend all about it, which was something she didn't expect that her father could have those feelings.

 

 

So ever since I've been on my friends couch for 4 days and we finally had another talk today and decided that it's best if she moves out (and move in with her college friend). That she needs time to herself, and that she wants me to focus on my career not her. I made it clear that I wanted her in my life, and what I was hoping for even if she does move out.

So my question is what should I do....just let her be? How do I react to her when she and I are together (she hasn't moved out yet)? Should I try to avoid her altogether until she moves out of our apartment?

 

It was some 3 months ago she was talking about what kind of ring she wanted, 2 weeks ago she was talking to a friend about her ring, so I find it hard to believe that she can just leave....unless she's affraid I'll leave her first like her mother or her father.....I told her I would never break her heart.

 

 

Well the next day after our talk, after she still hadn't given me a end it all answer, she called me in the morning and asked how i was doing and I simply said I'm ok, i'm sad, but ok. There was a silence between the two of us, nothing said, and she said, "I miss you" and started to cry and then said I love you, and cried more and hung up.

I then came home, and found a letter from her saying "sweetie, I'll be home at 7. are you staying at the apartment?

 

love, (name)

 

I didn't stay that night, she wasn't asking if we could stay together, but if she should look for some where else to sleep. Two days later, I came home thinking she wasn't there, and I was in a sad sad mood, a little tear here and there. I opened the door and she was there and I lost it. I mean I lost it, I told her this was hard for me and I apologized for crying in front of her.

 

Later that weekend, she told our friend (the same friend who's couch i've been sleeping on) about what had happened, and she said, "does he want me to be showing that kind of emotion too?!" And he kind of flipped on her, and said "maybe it would help, so he could see that you are hurting too..."

 

SO baiscally, since all this has happened, she and I have talked again. I came home from work and saw that she was waiting for the bus to get to work and she had just missed the last one. So I gave her a ride. We talked, and I told her that I love her, and that I'm not sad that she's moving out, i'm sad that we aren't together. And I asked her if we are broken up, and she said "yeah, I guess. I just need some space to think and figure stuff out." She said she still feels the same about me, it's just the title of Girlfriend isn't there. And when I dropped her off she said she would give me a call later. She didn't call.

 

So now she's in the process of moving out, packing her things. I've made sure that I'm not around while she does it.

 

I'm going on a week vacation with my family this week (a trip that she was suppose to go on and had even asked me last week in our first real talk, if I still wanted her to go). I figure the best thing for me to do, is just let her be, don't call her, don't write her or texted her. Let her call me, maybe give her a call when I get back. Give her the space she needs. But I want her to understand that I'm not mad at her, or angry....that I love her.

 

Should I tell her that I won't be talking to her or that I"m giving her her space? Or should I just wait her out for a while and see what happens?

[tommycapnpants]

Tough call. I am pretty much in the same boat as you. A lot of people will say do the no contact thing. It is hard. I think letting her be is the best thing right now. follow this link, it may help out a little. Good luck with everything.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=114697

[heartoutside]

Thanks for the link, it's good advice. And it think in my case it makes some sense. When we first broke up, and she couldn't give me a real reason or any real closure, I shouldn't have kept tried forcing an answer, but at the time it made no sense, and it still doesn't....which is the down side of this whole thing.

 

But it's getting easier I guess to do my own thing. My situation is kind of unique because all my friends (most of them at least) are her friends as well. And none of them have an idea of what's going except she is confused.

But today one of our buddies is having a birthday party and I'm not going. I feel it would be just too awkward for me to go. I don't know if that's the best idea, but that's what I'm doing. Not all the people at the party know we broke up, which is going to suck for her because everyone will ask where I am.

I'm also heading out on a week vacation tomorrow and I've been thinking that i should send her a text telling her to have a good week and a fun 4th. But I also feel I should just wait until i get back from my trip, and then give her a call.

Any suggestions?

[madgun68]

There's no harm in sending her that text. Sounds to me like all of this is just as hard on her as it is you.

 

You obviously don't hate her, so don't do anything that might send those signals. On the same level, do what you need to do in order to heal and don't contact her when/if you're emotionally needy. (That might push her further away.)

[heartoutside]

Well, oddly enough she called me this morning. She wasn't sure how to get to the birthday party and called me to find out. We talked for about 40mins, at first she kept saying you hate me don't you, and I just said no i don't hate you and she felt everyone (my family and friends) hated her and I just told her that no one hates her. And then I told her that it's probably best that we just talk on the phone for now, make it easier for both of us.

 

But there were somethings that were hard to handle and I had to bite my tounge; she made a joke about us getting a divorce and how she was getting such and such and I was getting such and such. But she apologized for making it. And then she started asking me if she could have certain items of mine that I bought for her to use in our house, that I would not really have any use for (At least for now).

 

Basically, I just had to bite my tounge the whole time and avoid saying that I'm doing this because I know we might be able to get back together.

 

When she finally got to the party, she asked if I could talk for a few more mintues, which was nice to hear. She then said she was sad she wasn't going on vacation with me and I agreed.

 

There is still the doubt in the back of mind that she's just trying to turn me into a friend. But I told her I don't want that and she knows that. But she can be a little niave at times, so I'm worried.

 

I guess this is all I can do for right now, just talk to her about her day, or her week and let her choose.

 

It's a sad game, but right now, she's the only girl I can see getting old with, and we have too much (almost everything) good in our past together to just give up like this. The hard part is when she says things like I'm sad I'm not going with you on vacation, or can we talk for a few more mins. But the harderst part is saying goodbye with out saying I love you.

 

I do have one question. In the link, the dumper suggests that if I want to get back together with my girlfriend I will have to make it easier for her to come back, that she won't just come crawling back because she may feel embarrased. So, other then just talking to her, how do I do that? Will there ever be a time where I can maybe ask her out to dinner, or make her dinner and make it obvious that it's a date? Or do I let her do that?

[vivrantflo]

In no way am i trying to bring you down, or crush your hopes.. but ANY time someone says that they need time to themselves.. or they need to find themselves.. usually means there is someone else they are interested in. Seriously.. she's new to the college scene and that alone is a scary thought. She's meeting new people, and now she's enjoying a much different life than the one you rescued her from. This may not be the case, but it's a huge possibility. The best thing for you to do is to leave her alone, and have no contact with her. I hate it when girls say that have to "figure stuff out" what is there to figure out?? Why can't she figure out whatever she needs to figure out.. with you??? Do NC dude, and WHEN she does crawl back to you, don't make it easy for her to come back. Cause if you do, she'll know that she's doesnt have to pay a price if she decides to leave you again. Good luck

[heartoutside]

Thanks for the opinion, but I really don't think that is the case. I've actually asked her that straight to her face, when we were in the heat of it, fighting (when she first put this on me) and she looked me in the eyes and said there isn't anyone else and that she didn't want to see anyone else.

I asked her a 2nd time a week later and the same answer, our friend brought it up and she said the same thing. So that's not the case. College on the other hand may be the case, she doesn't want to feel like she's being tied down. But the reason this is so hard and the reason this doesn't make sense, is because from day one of our relationship she's always loved me more then the world.

[vivrantflo]

Dude, if it was the case, that she was interested in someone else.. I don't think she would come right out and admit it.. especially when you're arguing. I look at it like this.. if you were away at school..what would ever drive you to tell your woman that you need space.. and time?? Even if you were getting rocked in your classes.. getting C's and D's.. I STILL don't think you'd tell that to you woman. The only reason anyone would say that to a partner, is because they don't want to cheat on them. She still loves you.. you did nothing wrong.. but now she's living on her own AND surrounded by a different crowd. She knows that if she told you she wanted to date around, it would crush you, and ruin any chance of her coming back to you. Once again, im not saying its the case, but u have to sometimes expect the worst.. ESPECIALLY since you two are not committed right now. What's sad about these situations is.. 95% of guys that are going through what you are right now, would NEVER think that their woman can just end a relationship and start dating other guys... the scary thing is.. 95% of women that say that to their men.. do start dating other guys.

[Travis L]

Once again, im not saying its the case, but u have to sometimes expect the worst.. ESPECIALLY since you two are not committed right now. What's sad about these situations is.. 95% of guys that are going through what you are right now, would NEVER think that their woman can just end a relationship and start dating other guys... the scary thing is.. 95% of women that say that to their men.. do start dating other guys.

 

 

Heart: It's SCARY how similar our situations are... When I met her (4 years ago) she was stuck doing a dead end job and had dropped out of high school. I encouraged her to go back to school (she was 21 at the time) and she got her diploma. I then encouraged her to start college.. I had already graduated with my Bachelors. Anyway, now she is starting to hang out with college students and spending frequent nights out at the bar. 3 weeks ago she said the whole....I love you, I want to marry you just not right now, we need to break up and I need my space... It was one week to the day that I was going to propose to her (she didn't know but we had talked about getting engaged soon). The main difference in your story and mine is that yours calls you..mine doesn't. Oh, and yeah...she is dating other guys as I found out through a friend. She started that two weeks after we broke up...

 

So, to me: space = I want to try my luck out there rather than work through our issues. I'm doing NC now (just started 3 days ago). It's hard but pressing her or pursing her is only going to push her further away... Only time will tell whether or not she realizes that she had something special with you... I don't want to have to convince my ex to come back...I want her to decide that I am a good catch and worth devoting her life to. I'm not going to make it hard or easy on her, but she better make up for it in the bed

 

I'm fairly optimistic but know that even if she never comes back, I will be OK. It doesn't make me feel any better but we (you and I) have helped these women become better people and they will always remember that (even if they don't admit it) It's a rough road and we seem to be on it together

[prism23]

When we first broke up, and she couldn't give me a real reason or any real closure, I shouldn't have kept tried forcing an answer, but at the time it made no sense, and it still doesn't....which is the down side of this whole thing.

 

...

 

My situation is kind of unique because all my friends (most of them at least) are her friends as well. And none of them have an idea of what's going except she is confused.

 

Story of my life. I wish I could give you advice but I am going through av ery similar thing - things were fine with my guy of 2.5 years, then BAM! One day something is off and two days later he ends it because he "needs to figure things out", "needs time", "isn't ready for commitment", needs to "focus on his career" (we both recently graduated, he is starting his career I am doing 2 more yrs of school for a second degree)...

 

BUT he also still loves me and sees us together, eventually - Just not right now. He even said "I think we will work out again eventually" And I said "Honestly?" and his reply was "Yes... that's the truth" :S

 

Never really got a real reason, don't really understand the situation, we have the same friends and most of them (it's been a month) STILL don't know, or only know because I said something. His best friend doesn't even understand the situation or whats going on, except that he is "really confused". Bah. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in experiancing that situation... it sucks, not having a "real" reason or answer for the end.

 

The other thing that I can also ID with is how you pushed her to go back to school, etc - my ex was (is) very hard on himself and I pushed him to apply for a job at school (he only had ever worked for a family business) related to his field, and pushed him to apply for a higher-up position with the school when one became availble, etc... He never would have done either without my encouragement and help... so that is even similar there too!

 

Currently, I have been NC for (almost) a week after a month of us talking almost every day still... and it's really hard but for the best right now... the only thing I can recommend (which I am trying, and failing, at hence the NC) is that when you DO talk try to avoid asking about the breakup, the relationship, etc as it tends to get frusterating and circular. IF you talk to her, keep it simple and steer clear of any emotional topics.

 

Personally, I am kinda in the mind frame of if it works out in a year or whatever thats great... and if not, then I know I will be OK... but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck now!! LOL

[vivrantflo]

BUT he also still loves me and sees us together, eventually - Just not right now. He even said "I think we will work out again eventually" And I said "Honestly?" and his reply was "Yes... that's the truth" :S

 

Never really got a real reason, don't really understand the situation, we have the same friends and most of them (it's been a month) STILL don't know, or only know because I said something. His best friend doesn't even understand the situation or whats going on, except that he is "really confused". Bah. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in experiancing that situation... it sucks, not having a "real" reason or answer for the end.

 

You won't get the reason from him.. cause if he tells you that he wants to date other women, it would hurt you.. then he would have to live with the fact that you'd start dating other men. And his boy isn't going to rat him out either..By saying that he needs space and time.. he really means.. "wait for me, while I date other women.. and if they don't work out.. I'll come back" As harsh as that is, that very well may be the case. People who get dumped look for ANYTHING from an ex's mouth that will give some hope for reconciliation. But the truth is.. if you're dumped, they do NOT want to be with you. He wants to keep you around just in case.. that's why he's giving you those lines... God forbit for your sake.. he finds a woman he would rather be with.. he'll do a complete 180 with you..Prism23, you're doing the right thing for sure..Heartoutside. you should follow the same suit.

[coffee_addict]

ok sorry to just bust into the thread, but, i have to say i split up with a guy i was going out with, because i was confused and needed time and space. There was no real reason, just that 'something' didnt feel right and its unbelieveably hard to try and give someone a reason for something when u dont know it yourself.

 

But when i said that to him, i didnt and still dont have any intention of moving on and dating another guy, it wasnt a cover up for wanting to break up for another reason that i didnt want to tell him about for fear of hurting him. I am genuinely trying to figure out my feelings.

 

Just give her time heart, u cant tell which way things will go - only she can figure out her feelings, and it may take some time.

 

She may feel unable to stay with you and figure them out because she doesnt want to keep you in a relationship when shes confused. That was my reason anyway - i felt it wasnt fair on my boyfriend to continue with the relationship when i was confused and unsure about things, but i hope it all puts itself back together and works out - as im sure your girl does too heart.

 

Best of luck....much love x x x

[heartoutside]

Thanks for the reply. That is basically what I've been doing. I did the NC for about 4 days and then she called up crying and saying I love you and miss you. After that we've talked on the phone and I try my hardest to not bring up anything relationship related, but it's hard sometimes because she'll say things that make me question things. My question, if she does want to get back into our relationship, how do I make it easier for her, or let her know that I'm not expecting her to crawl back or make her look like the fool?

While I've been on vacation for the 4th she's sent a text message almost every day, last one being "no question is dumb, unless not asked." And of course I read into that.....

 

Right now, I think it's best not to say anything over texting, but over the phone when I return from vacation.

[heartoutside]

Well I got back from my week long vacation which I thought would be some good time and space for both of us. But while I was gone she sent me a text message every day. Asking how my day was going, and then putting in a question such as "when will you be coming back"; a question she asked 2 days in a row. So really she never gave her self that space. Then On my last day on vacation the day before I returned, she sent me a text asking when I was returning, an answer she already knew. I didn't reply> She then sent a text saying that she had just gotten home and discovered that half the laundry in her laundry bag was mine. I still didn't reply. She sent the same text 4 more times through out the day!

She also said that she would have everything of hers out of the apartment before I got back. I return to find that she still has things here, and has made some what of a mess (which she told me about in her text message).

Then posted this very odd video on my myspace page, and SNL digital short with Shia LaBeouf. It's set to a very sad song and these guys are shooting each other, it's kind of sick.

When i got home, I talked to a friend of ours and he said he's convinced that she's gone nutz or has hit her head or something. That she's a total 180 from what she was when we dated, like a switch was just flipped one night (and if you read my story, I think it was her dad).

Anyway, so now I guess I'm going to be doing the NC thang. At least I'm not going to call her. If she calls, fine, I'll talk to her. But she needs the space to figure out what she wants. I know what I want...and I know what I need to do!

[heartoutside]

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