I rented a room to my ex

[NorCalDave]

 

 

So, I am on the lease in the master bedroom of a pretty sweet house that has cheap rent. Recently, one of my roommates got pregnant, and gave me her 30 day notice to move in with her boyfriend. About 3 weeks prior to this, I happened to re-connect with my ex who I have dated off and on for the past 3 years. We had been spending alot of time together, training at the gym together, going on dates, re-establishing our friendship again.

I sense that she wants to get back together for a 3rd time because she says things like, "Let's mend our friendship 'first', and "we shouldn't sleep with each other 'yet', and "courting each other is healthy".

So, we've been going slow, and it actually feels good just to keep the sexual frustration building and to flirt and laugh alot. We have spent every day together more or less for the past 3-4 weeks.

Her plan as of a month ago was to live with her sister for free to save money because her sister owes her $2000. But her sister is a bitch and basically wasn't going to accomodate her at all.

The day that her sister and her had a fight and decided it wouldn't work - that they would butt heads too much- my newly pregnant roommate gave me her 30 day notice.

So, we put two and two together and I offered for her to rent the room.

She obliged and we have spent the last week painting and moving her in.

Pretty much everything is moved in.

She has been here for 3 nights so far, and she's slept downstairs.

We continue to spend so much time together and today she referred to us and "our relationship".....but we still haven't kissed yet since we've started talking again.

What she loves about me is that I don't pressure her for sex or anything, she trusts me, and is comfortable with me.

But kissing her and holding her are what I dream about pretty much every night since we've been talking again.

Tonight we were watching "House" together and laying on separate sides of the couch.

I sooooooooooooooooooooooooo wanted to at least cuddle with her but I keep refraining because I don't want to scare her off in thinking I only allowed her to move in because I want to have sex every night or something.

She seems to want to be patient and I am fine with that, but...after only 3 nights of knowing that the woman I am still in love with is sleeping downstairs, I am having a hard time holding back.

I guess we will just have to see what happens once she gets more comfortable in the house before I make a move, right?

I mean, she HAD to know that if she moved in SOMETHING would happen right?

You can't re-connect with your ex, spend every day with them for a month, say you want to take it slow, then move in with them and not expect me to want to get back together right?

I just feel confused because I want her so bad, but as a roommate maybe I should just wait until she makes a move first, especially since she is the one who has broken up with me two times before.

I never thought I'd be in this situation.

Advice?

[tommycapnpants]

I would definitely say wait. Yet, dont make her beg for it. Watch for some signs. Good luck.

[NorCalDave]

I would definitely say wait. Yet, dont make her beg for it. Watch for some signs. Good luck.

 

 

Okay. It's tough though, because , like right now, I just woke up, it's 8:25, we don't have to be at church until 11:15, and I just want to go downstairs and jump in her bed. But I am afraid of over-stepping the roommate boundary and making her feel pressured or something. Yet, also, I just want to go get next to her and cuddle.

My gut instinct tells me to wait until the time is right when she throws me more signs, and to be patient....but, it's tough.

On one hand I could scare her off, and on the other hand, she did refer to us being in some sort of "relationship" yesterday, so maybe it would be okay to go jump in her bed???

This is definitely weird and new to me.

[madgun68]

What are we going to do with you, Dave? Time and time again you ask for advice, yet you always ignore it.

 

Look, you're obviously looking for the tiniest sign that you two are official again so you can go rushing to her bed. It's blatantly obvious that you are confused where you two stand, which means that it is definately NOT okay to do something like that. (Her referring to the two of you being in "some sort of relationship" does not give you the green light.)

 

You put yourself in this bind, and now you're just going to have to deal with it until YOU ARE SURE where the two of you stand on your relationship. (I think right now you're better off waiting for her to be the initiator since you are reading in to things too much and over-analysing everything.)

[CaliGuy]

Advice?

 

Why???

 

You will simply ignore it as you have done with every piece of advice given to you so far....

[sb129]

Renting the room to her was a big mistake in the first place, and i think you know that Dave. This is the ex that wanted you to join a new gym!

I know alot has happened since then, but what happens if you don't get back together? Awkward city!

I would never do that..... even if there is a chance that you get back together for the third time (and that in itself is cause for concern) living in the same house is asking for trouble.

You have no chance to look forward to seeing eachother, no chance for time out, a whole lot of 'living together' issues that are hard enough for established, loved up couples, the list goes on.

 

What if you don't get back together, and she starts seeing someone else?

How painful will THAT be for you?

 

Dave, I really think you have lept into this without thinking.

[Trialbyfire]

I think we've all given advice until we're blue in the face.

 

Overall NCD, just make sure she pays you the rent money on time and don't end up having a complete tantrum if she hooks up with someone else while she's sponging off of you...

[CaliGuy]

I think we've all given advice until we're blue in the face.

 

Overall NCD, just make sure she pays you the rent money on time and don't end up having a complete tantrum if she hooks up with someone else while she's sponging off of you...

 

That's what I think is going to happen.

[NorCalDave]

So. After my post this morning, I went downstairs, made breakfast, and she came out of her room with a smile and hungry look on her face. I decided against jumping in her bed for fear of rejection.

She gave me a hug and then I kissed her on the cheek. Then she made some small comment like, "Watch it" or something, kind of warning me not to get carried away.

I took that personally, and decided to just lay the cards on the table.

I asked her where we stand, since yesterday she referred to us having a "relationship", since we've spent every day for a month together, sharing the same hobbies, and now the same house.

She said that we are friends and that she thought I knew that.

I said obviously, I know we are friends, but what are the chances that we could get back together.

Then she got defensive and threw a fit. She started accusing me of wanting her to live there just so we could get back together.

That I had motives, that she thought we could just stay with what we have going right now- a clean friendship.

I said I love our friendship, but since we've been so close lately, I have started to feel feelings of wanting more, and I just wanted to know if she could see us getting back together again.

She once again got defensive and said she can't give me that answer because she doesn't want to give me expectations, that she just wants to get comfortable and secure in this house first, and that is all she's concerned about. She said there are guys interested in her but she doesn't want anyone, that she just feels displaced and wants to settle in.

Then she hit me with the "and you're too young" thing.

At that point I became defensive and we argued and the rest of the day pretty much sucked.

She cried for about 2 hours straight in the afternoon because I told her maybe it would be best if she moved out.

She said she has no where else to go and she just became an emotional wreck at that point.

I consoled her and said I am fine with being friends, but deep down I felt such rejection once again.

I explained to her that it is very difficult for me to accept that she doesn't want more than just friendship. She said, "Just accept it!" and we separated for the rest of the day. I went to my dad's house and she went to her friend Kathy's house.

I don't know what I was thinking saying she could move in.

She moved in under the notion that we are just friends and I am someone she can trust and she is comfortable with me.

I guess I had different motives the whole time. I appeared on the outside to just be the accomodating friend who has an extra room, but inside I was hoping that it would lead to us getting back together.

Today I found out that is not going to happen.

At this point I am really going to accept that she doesn't want more than friendship because for some reason, as good as it feels, she isn't comfortable being with me and us having such an age gap. Maybe she is protecting herself. Maybe I make her feel insecure.

Being with her feels great to me. We can laugh and talk and cohabit for hours on end and I feel the rush of chemicals when I look at her. So, naturally, it feels like a good connection and something I want to stick with.

But although she feels the same good vibes, something stops her from taking it to where I want to take it.

And she has been telling me over and over and I have been so stubborn and it amazes me that I have hung in there so long with her.

At this point I have come to the crossroads. Either I prolong my pain and keep being her friend and torturing myself, or I move her out of my house and get on with my life.

There's no way I can live with someone who is a constant reminder of rejection.

She might have no where else to go but that will have to be her problem, because I didn't think she was that naive that she didn't think I would want more than friendship.

The thing that baffles me is she told me today that she already knew I had these strong feelings for her yet she thought I was "mature" enough to handle them and put them aside for the good of our friendship.

I'm sorry but emotions and feelings are not meant to be "controlled". They are what they are and we can't help how we feel about people.

What I can control is my reaction to this situation and at this point I have had it with rejection from her.

She is one person in the whole universe who is rejecting me, yet I continue to go back to that person and hope for more.

It's all my fault.

I've got myself into some kind of predicament now. OMFG.

[sb129]

Dave, saying I told you so is not going to achieve much, but you got yourself into this predicament!

 

!!! She will continue to take advantage of the fact that you want to get back together,.

I think you should insist she moves out if you want to maintain any dignity at all, and have any hope of getting your life back on track, and being able to move on from her.

It was wrong of her to move in in the first place, so you shouldn't feel bad about asking her to leave.

[Art_Critic]

She started accusing me of wanting her to live there just so we could get back together.

 

She was right..

 

What were you thinking ?.. She is downstairs painting her new room that she rented from you and that meant go jump in her bed..

 

She thought you were honorable in your intentions in renting her the room and she only wanted to be roommates..

 

You wanted to bone her..

 

You need to reevaluate yourself and change the way you feel about her in order to go thru with this.. if you can't then pay her for the paint,the rent that she has already paid and also pay the first months rent at a new place for her and let her move out..

You were trying to use her.. and you mislead her with the intention of using her..

[Art_Critic]

How are you going to feel when she brings a new guy home to spend the night and they keep you up all night with the sounds of her being pounded by some guy ?.. Right..

Time to get out of this mess and make it so she can move out ?

 

Have a talk with her about it and make it worth her while.. pay her first months rent somewhere and pay her for her trouble that you created and caused..

 

Did she sign a sub rent lease ?

[underpants]

When is her rent due???

 

She might have sex with you around that time.

 

Dave, come on dude, she is a user and you are enabling it. I really can't say anything I have not already said.

 

Im sorry, but she needs to make alternative living arrangements, post haste.

 

This person is toxic to you and you invited her into your home, unbelievable. Tell her it just can't work out, no harm, no foul.

 

I think we are all banging our head on the desk at this news. Come on man, be better then all this.

 

Move her out and move on.

[Trialbyfire]

NCD, you don't understand healthy behaviour in a woman. No woman with healthy behaviours would have moved in with you, knowing that you wanted more than she was willing to give. I'm guessing that the amount you're charging her is minimal. In her manipulation of you and your manipulation of her, she's now trapped herself. I'm guessing she was also hoping to hold you at bay while getting you to pay for the balance of the living expenses.

 

Let her save herself. You've told her to move out. Next conversation, hopefully today, you need to give her a drop-dead date. I can see this playing out though. She will use tears and manipulate the bejesus out of you by promising more without actually saying it. The sad reality is that you will most likely fold and allow her to stay.

 

Normally, I would be all over you NCD for manipulating her but in this case, I have no sympathy for her based on her past behaviour patterns with you. She's nothing beyond a spoiled, ego-centric individual who uses beauty to entrap.

[NorCalDave]

She was right..

 

What were you thinking ?.. She is downstairs painting her new room that she rented from you and that meant go jump in her bed..

 

She thought you were honorable in your intentions in renting her the room and she only wanted to be roommates..

 

You wanted to bone her..

 

You need to reevaluate yourself and change the way you feel about her in order to go thru with this.. if you can't then pay her for the paint,the rent that she has already paid and also pay the first months rent at a new place for her and let her move out..

You were trying to use her.. and you mislead her with the intention of using her..

 

 

To correct you, I actually helped her paint her old studio so she could get her deposit back. I was giving my time and actually my $$ too.

And I have been letting her live there rent free for the month of July.

And I am paying her utilities.

So, she hasn't paid me anything yet, and that's fine, that's what we agreed to, and I will stick with it.

I honestly thought I would somehow be able to just handle a roommate/friendship situation, because I had no trouble with it for a month (just being friends)...but ever since she moved in, my feelings grew stronger.

I thought her moving in would allow us to get closer and possibly back together.

But I jumped the gun and couldn't handle it after only 3 days of her lviing there.

I didn't mean to mislead her, but I can't control how I feel.

[NorCalDave]

How are you going to feel when she brings a new guy home to spend the night and they keep you up all night with the sounds of her being pounded by some guy ?.. Right..

Time to get out of this mess and make it so she can move out ?

 

Have a talk with her about it and make it worth her while.. pay her first months rent somewhere and pay her for her trouble that you created and caused..

 

Did she sign a sub rent lease ?

 

 

We talked about whether she will be bringing guys in or not and she said she never ever considered bringing guys back to the house if she was living here. According to her she never brought back guys to her studio either. She said that was already a given, that she wouldn't do that, and she said besides, she's not looking to date anyone anyways (whatever).

There is another side to this coin too.

How can she be naive to think I wouldn't want more?

Who moves in with their ex and expects no emotions or feelings to grow?

I take responsibility for kind of hoping that her moving in could lead to something, but she should take responsibility for being so naive.

I haven't made her pay a dime yet, and I am paying out of my own pocket for her to stay for the first month.

So, I feel I AM already doing her a favor.

Now, as long as she is in the house, I just have to treat her like another roommate, now that I know she doesn't want more.

Sounds like torture for me, though.

[Art_Critic]

If you really want to find out where on the fence she sits then go out and pickup a girl at a bar.. bring her home and bang her while she was downstairs...

 

You will know in 8 full seconds after she realizes that she spent the night..

 

I personally think you need to have her move out.. but that is me.. you seem hung up on her and it seems you are going to have to learn about this stuff the hard way..

[NorCalDave]

If you really want to find out where on the fence she sits then go out and pickup a girl at a bar.. bring her home and bang her while she was downstairs...

 

You will know in 8 full seconds after she realizes that she spent the night..

 

I personally think you need to have her move out.. but that is me.. you seem hung up on her and it seems you are going to have to learn about this stuff the hard way..

 

 

She said she doesn't mind if I date other people.

[underpants]

NCD,

 

I don't get the impression that this woman is naive AT ALL. I think she saw an opportunity and a nice guy and somehow convinced herself that she deserves what she wants. Which is a nice, safe place to live, rent free until another opportunity arises. She seems very deft to me.

 

I would hope that most people would not move in or borrow money or even be gifted money or generosities from someone where emotions linger. It is just not a cool thing to do. However, some do and over time it becomes a lifestyle for them.

 

It is even as simple as the smells of breakfast waking her from her sleep then she comes into the kitchen and HUGS you. Affection for something she wants. Witholding affections and turning issues around to make you feel like the immature one when called on the mat for something. When has she made you breakfast, with food she has bought??? Just saying, even in the smallest deeds she is showing you her character.

 

If things aren't bad enough you help fix up her old place to get her deposit back and she doesn't even reimburse you for your paint, or take you out to dinner for your trouble. Gosh, should I treat men like she treats you...Is that what I should learn from your experience?

 

Now you have literally painted yourself into this corner of thinking you have to put up with this for the whole month of July because you told her she could stay? It has been a lousy 3 days. Nothing is signed. You two are not a couple. You have the right to sit her down and just say sorry, it is not working out, can you find someplace else? If she cries, or says your are immature, or that you promised, just agree with her, give her no fight. It is already not ending well, why prolong this?

 

The tragedy as I see it is that the longer this goes on, and the more you let her take you for a ride, the more damage this will do to you. One day when a great girl comes along I am afraid you will be too damaged to treat her well, because of what this current one is teaching you.

 

I hope I am wrong and that is why I post.

 

Regards,

Unders

[NorCalDave]

NCD,

 

I don't get the impression that this woman is naive AT ALL. I think she saw an opportunity and a nice guy and somehow convinced herself that she deserves what she wants. Which is a nice, safe place to live, rent free until another opportunity arises. She seems very deft to me.

 

I would hope that most people would not move in or borrow money or even be gifted money or generosities from someone where emotions linger. It is just not a cool thing to do. However, some do and over time it becomes a lifestyle for them.

 

It is even as simple as the smells of breakfast waking her from her sleep then she comes into the kitchen and HUGS you. Affection for something she wants. Witholding affections and turning issues around to make you feel like the immature one when called on the mat for something. When has she made you breakfast, with food she has bought??? Just saying, even in the smallest deeds she is showing you her character.

 

If things aren't bad enough you help fix up her old place to get her deposit back and she doesn't even reimburse you for your paint, or take you out to dinner for your trouble. Gosh, should I treat men like she treats you...Is that what I should learn from your experience?

 

Now you have literally painted yourself into this corner of thinking you have to put up with this for the whole month of July because you told her she could stay? It has been a lousy 3 days. Nothing is signed. You two are not a couple. You have the right to sit her down and just say sorry, it is not working out, can you find someplace else? If she cries, or says your are immature, or that you promised, just agree with her, give her no fight. It is already not ending well, why prolong this?

 

The tragedy as I see it is that the longer this goes on, and the more you let her take you for a ride, the more damage this will do to you. One day when a great girl comes along I am afraid you will be too damaged to treat her well, because of what this current one is teaching you.

 

I hope I am wrong and that is why I post.

 

Regards,

Unders

 

 

I think you are right on. I know she used her rich ex to take care of her as well, when they weren't together.

It's like she puts on this "poor me" act and that mixed with her charm and sexiness makes her almost irresistable.

She always has guys offering to help her out with little things because they are hoping to score with her. Trust me, I've seen it first hand.

All her clients that she cuts hair for WANT her.

Anyways, I think she is doing to me what she did to Jim her ex. And I fell for it and now she's my roommate and is probably going to torture me with her presence simply because it's best for her, and convenient.

I will have to talk with her and tell her that if she doesn't want to be with me, it will just be too tough to have her in my house living as my roommate.

[CaliGuy]

She said she doesn't mind if I date other people.

 

Kiss of death.

[doiask42much]

Roommates pay rent!

 

Throw her out on her ear!

[Trialbyfire]

Kiss of death.

It's not always this way although it does leave the door open to more game playing. He dates others, she gets upset, then she dates others and he goes ballistic, etc.

[NorCalDave]

I know. This whole thing is a mess.

I am a mess for getting myself into this mess.

Last night she comes up to me at the gym all chipper and says, "I've decided to turn the boat around."

I said, What do you mean?

She said, "I'm going to turn a negative into a positive."

I said, "Whatever. Sounds good whatever you're talking about."

The rest of the night she was very friendly and interested in me and flirty and all that.

I went and saw a therapist after that, and got a bakra massage and cleared my head.

I need to start taking care of me better.

My house should be my sanctuary, a place of peace.

I am not going to let her ruin that.

[sb129]

I need to start taking care of me better.

My house should be my sanctuary, a place of peace.

I am not going to let her ruin that.

 

So get her out of there!

 

As long as she is in your home, it will not be a sanctuary for you.

 

If she has a job, then she can get somewhere else to live, ITS NOT YOUR PROBLEM where she lives.

 

Sheesh man, this situation is ridiculous.