I rented a room to my ex

[NorCalDave]

So get her out of there!

 

As long as she is in your home, it will not be a sanctuary for you.

 

If she has a job, then she can get somewhere else to live, ITS NOT YOUR PROBLEM where she lives.

 

Sheesh man, this situation is ridiculous.

 

 

Totally agreed. I feel so frickin stupid.

[CaliGuy]

It's not always this way although it does leave the door open to more game playing. He dates others, she gets upset, then she dates others and he goes ballistic, etc.

 

Well when they say they don't care if you date others they are basically saying they don't see you in a romantic light anymore. Relationship wise it's the kiss of death.

 

I agree about the game playing though. Not worth the headache. She sees him as a nice guy that she can depend on for help. A friend, not a lover. That is where he put himself based on his actions. Women almost never see a man who tries to fix her problems in a romantic light. They just see them as nice guy friends.

[Trialbyfire]

I agree about the game playing though. Not worth the headache. She sees him as a nice guy that she can depend on for help. A friend, not a lover. That is where he put himself based on his actions. Women almost never see a man who tries to fix her problems in a romantic light. They just see them as nice guy friends.

It's the doormat syndrome. There's a reasonable amount of help that two people can give each other. To attempt to help someone for personal gain can also be the kiss of death...

[NorCalDave]

Cali-guy, if she doesn't see me in a romantic light anymore, it's truly her loss.

Not mine.

So I don't want to hear about this kiss of death crap.

I am quite sure- in fact, positive- that she may have stopped seeing me in this romantic light because of her insecurity with the age gap and less to do with my "nice-guy" syndrome or whatever.

If being an accomodating friend to someone in need turns them off (instead of on) romantically, well then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

She admitted it herself. Being around me and being linked to me romantically makes her feel older than she is (49). It's always been an insecurity of hers ever since we first started dating.

It feels good, we have a connection, same hobbies, can talk and laugh and the chemistry is awesome, but the one thing she can't ever feel comfortable with is the 20 year age gap we have.

It has nothing to do with me and how "nice" I am being to her.

If she had no insecurities with the age gap, things would be very different.

May-December relationships are tricky, and every person is different.

Some people can handle it, some can't.

Demi Moore can handle it because she has $300k to drop on lyposuction and other surgery to make her feel more comfortable. And obviously she is stable and secure financially and with who she is. So she can handle dating someone 16 years younger.

Alicis on the other hand is an insecure, unstable, unavailable, poor, damaged, wounded soul. And I happen to love her and have a weak spot for her in my heart.

But, shame on me for being there for her huh?

Whatever.

Some women are confident and secure in who they are.

She's not.

In fact, she's totally emotionally unavailable.

For understandable reasons actually.

Sexual abuse as a child might have something to do with it, hey I don't know.

I could treat her like a prick and it wouldn't make any difference.

I know you have advised me to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I admit I haven't read it.

I haven't read it because the dynamic with us is different. We are talking about a woman who turns down EVERY man, regardless of the guy treats her like a queen or if he's an a-hole.

So, in theory CG, I get what you're saying about being a doormat and once you enter into that realm women get turned off romantically.

But in this case it makes no difference.

She has nothing to give in a relationship. She can't take the "pressure" a relationship brings. She has no idea who she is, where she is going, no direction.

So my point is, just because I am helping her out and giving her a place to stay (no other friends have offered to help her with housing, and she can't afford a place on her own) doesn't mean that I caused her to see me in an "un-romantic light" anymore.

 

She decided long ago when we first broke up(21/2 years ago) that our relationship had no future because of our age gap and her insecurities with it, and bacically because of her unavailability.

She doubted that decision and got back together with me last fall because once again things felt very good between us, but once again, her insecurities got the best of her.

It had nothing to do with me being a doormat or not.

So, your theory is valid, it just doesn't apply to our relationship.

The dynamic is different, trust me.

 

If I can give her a place to live and make her life easier, I am going to do it.

Now, I was wrong in hoping for a relationship with such a wounded unavailable person. What can I say, I wasn't thinking with my head, I was thinking with my heart.

It just feels so good when I am with her.

But when I look at her and all her issues and her constant rejection of me due to the insecurities, I realize, it just isn't meant to be.

I have a whole new outlook. Being her friend is important to me now.

I have asked her to look for another place but that I would help her until then.

I am going to continue to look at the BIG PICTURE, and keep my distance with her.

But I will never blame the demise of the relationship on myself for being a nice, accomodating friend to her.

Even though it seems like that's how you want me to feel because it happened to you personally.

I know you were dating an older lady (by 8 years) CG, but like I said, TRY 20 YEARS, and try 20 YEARS with a lady like Alicia.

My nice guy or a-hole treatment of her makes no difference.

She was over trying with me long ago.

[CaliGuy]

Cali-guy, if she doesn't see me in a romantic light anymore, it's truly her loss.

Not mine.

So I don't want to hear about this kiss of death crap.

I am quite sure- in fact, positive- that she may have stopped seeing me in this romantic light because of her insecurity with the age gap and less to do with my "nice-guy" syndrome or whatever.

If being an accomodating friend to someone in need turns them off (instead of on) romantically, well then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

She admitted it herself. Being around me and being linked to me romantically makes her feel older than she is (49). It's always been an insecurity of hers ever since we first started dating.

It feels good, we have a connection, same hobbies, can talk and laugh and the chemistry is awesome, but the one thing she can't ever feel comfortable with is the 20 year age gap we have.

It has nothing to do with me and how "nice" I am being to her.

If she had no insecurities with the age gap, things would be very different.

May-December relationships are tricky, and every person is different.

Some people can handle it, some can't.

Demi Moore can handle it because she has $300k to drop on lyposuction and other surgery to make her feel more comfortable. And obviously she is stable and secure financially and with who she is. So she can handle dating someone 16 years younger.

Alicis on the other hand is an insecure, unstable, unavailable, poor, damaged, wounded soul. And I happen to love her and have a weak spot for her in my heart.

But, shame on me for being there for her huh?

Whatever.

Some women are confident and secure in who they are.

She's not.

In fact, she's totally emotionally unavailable.

For understandable reasons actually.

Sexual abuse as a child might have something to do with it, hey I don't know.

I could treat her like a prick and it wouldn't make any difference.

I know you have advised me to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and I admit I haven't read it.

I haven't read it because the dynamic with us is different. We are talking about a woman who turns down EVERY man, regardless of the guy treats her like a queen or if he's an a-hole.

So, in theory CG, I get what you're saying about being a doormat and once you enter into that realm women get turned off romantically.

But in this case it makes no difference.

She has nothing to give in a relationship. She can't take the "pressure" a relationship brings. She has no idea who she is, where she is going, no direction.

So my point is, just because I am helping her out and giving her a place to stay (no other friends have offered to help her with housing, and she can't afford a place on her own) doesn't mean that I caused her to see me in an "un-romantic light" anymore.

 

She decided long ago when we first broke up(21/2 years ago) that our relationship had no future because of our age gap and her insecurities with it, and bacically because of her unavailability.

She doubted that decision and got back together with me last fall because once again things felt very good between us, but once again, her insecurities got the best of her.

It had nothing to do with me being a doormat or not.

So, your theory is valid, it just doesn't apply to our relationship.

The dynamic is different, trust me.

 

If I can give her a place to live and make her life easier, I am going to do it.

Now, I was wrong in hoping for a relationship with such a wounded unavailable person. What can I say, I wasn't thinking with my head, I was thinking with my heart.

It just feels so good when I am with her.

But when I look at her and all her issues and her constant rejection of me due to the insecurities, I realize, it just isn't meant to be.

I have a whole new outlook. Being her friend is important to me now.

I have asked her to look for another place but that I would help her until then.

I am going to continue to look at the BIG PICTURE, and keep my distance with her.

But I will never blame the demise of the relationship on myself for being a nice, accomodating friend to her.

Even though it seems like that's how you want me to feel because it happened to you personally.

I know you were dating an older lady (by 8 years) CG, but like I said, TRY 20 YEARS, and try 20 YEARS with a lady like Alicia.

My nice guy or a-hole treatment of her makes no difference.

She was over trying with me long ago.

 

Dave, I was older by 8 years, not her.

 

The fact remains that you have a romantic interest in this woman and time and time again you were warned that she was not healthy enough to be in a relationship.

 

You let her stay with you in the hope she would change her mind much less than you were trying to genuinely help her out. It might have been a side motive to assist her but in the end what you desired most was to rekindle the relationship.

 

On top of ignoring everyone's advice to avoid her, you went a step further to extend your own pain - and you are still blowing off reading the book.

 

I am curious why you ask for advice yet do not bother to follow any of it.

 

As you can see by ignoring the advice you are causing unnecessary pain. What's it going to take for you to at least open your mind a tad that what you are doing is hurting only yourself and delaying the healing process.

[NorCalDave]

Dave, I was older by 8 years, not her.

 

The fact remains that you have a romantic interest in this woman and time and time again you were warned that she was not healthy enough to be in a relationship.

 

You let her stay with you in the hope she would change her mind much less than you were trying to genuinely help her out. It might have been a side motive to assist her but in the end what you desired most was to rekindle the relationship.

 

On top of ignoring everyone's advice to avoid her, you went a step further to extend your own pain - and you are still blowing off reading the book.

 

I am curious why you ask for advice yet do not bother to follow any of it.

 

As you can see by ignoring the advice you are causing unnecessary pain. What's it going to take for you to at least open your mind a tad that what you are doing is hurting only yourself and delaying the healing process.

 

 

I see what you're saying.

If I would have read the book, I probably would never even have considered taking her in as a roommate. I can see how that is doormat behavior because it only prolongs my pain and doesn't do anything positive FOR ME. It's all about her, and what's best for her.

So, yes, I should have read the book and saved myself all this drama.

I am sorry I ignored your advice.

Thank you for giving it to me.

[Yamaha]

or I move her out of my house and get on with my life.

 

Your best advice came from YOU.

 

She knew you wanted more when you let her move in but she knows you and is taking advantage of you. If you want a romantic relationship with her then go downstairs and get into bed with her. If she kicks you out then start dating other girls and tell her to find another place. Your choices come down to these.

[NorCalDave]

Your best advice came from YOU.

 

She knew you wanted more when you let her move in but she knows you and is taking advantage of you. If you want a romantic relationship with her then go downstairs and get into bed with her. If she kicks you out then start dating other girls and tell her to find another place. Your choices come down to these.

 

 

You're right, she DID know I wanted more all along. She admitted that Sunday.

So, if that's true, then she moved in KNOWING that I would want more the whole time. It was just a matter of time before I made my first advance on her. She had to be expecting that.

She was just totally taking advantage of my doormat behavior.

Which is why CG is totally right. Now I see what he's saying.

So, Sunday, when we had our blowup and I told her I wanted more than friendship, the only thing that got accomplished was CONFIRMING that SHE doesn't want more.

So, now it's up to me to either deal with living someone I want to pounce on, or ask her to find a place ASAP so I can get on with my life.

I started feeling sorry for her a bit and just wanting to be her friend and help her out after I saw her cry for 2 hours straight in my backyard Sunday.

I felt empathy, and just wanted to see her be happy again.

So, I told her I could handle just being friends and I will put my hopes for a relationship aside.

But, I see that once again, that is doormat behavior. Putting her needs over mine. And in MY HOUSE of all places.

Of course she will never see me in a romantic light if she keeps getting her needs met and I don't get mine met.

I was just saying that it doesn't matter if I kick her out or not...she's not going to come back to me either way it seems. She just seems to have decided in her head (long ago) that I am too young and not relationship material.

So, her next option is to use me for the fact that I still have feelings for her.

If I truly respected myself and wasn't a "nice guy", I would tell her, "If you don't want a relationship with me, I will have to ask you to leave because it will not be healthy for ME to have you living here, constantly reminding me of what I CAN'T have."

I haven't had this talk yet because I broke down and accepted friendship Sunday to appease her and get her to stop crying.

 

TOTALLY DOORMAT BEHAVIOR.

I can see that now.

At this point, I can kind of step outside the bubble and see what's going on.

It's all what's best for her.

This is what I am thinking I am going to do (Yamaha).

I am going to give this a little time and see what happens.

 

I have already told her I would just be her friend and she can stay until she finds another place. So, I feel like I have to honor my word.

But one of these nights or days when it feels great and we are laughing and flirting and the vibe is great, I am going to move in for a kiss and make a move. If she totally rejects me, at that point I imagine it will be too much to let her stay any longer and I will ask her to leave. Basically I will give her another chance to see if there is anything romantic, and if at that point I get rejected again, we will really SERIOUSLY have to part ways.

Maybe she needs a little time to come around, and maybe she doesn't.

I guess we'll find out.

[Yamaha]

If your that afraid of losing her then you really never had her. You must have such low self-esteem that your needs do not matter as long as she is happy. You need to grow some balls and take control of your life if you ever expect to get what you need. She will not change her mind so you might as well find out now if she will ever see you as a romantic partner. You swish back and forth it's no wonder she has no respect for you.

[underpants]

NCD,

 

I would NOT suggest that you try to make a move on her. Why, really? She has told you and shown you her intentions and her character. You really should be asking yourself, and telling yourself that you and her are not a good match. You really need to make her move out, don't worry she has back up plans, women like her always do. Out of simple respect for you NCD tell her that she has to go, now. It is okay to stand up for yourself, but when you contradict yourself you appear weak and she is the type to prey on that weakness. Tell her to find alternative living arrangements and no, don't store her stuff. Let this fish swim away.

 

As a woman I get a little (okay alot) offended when people use tears as a form of manipulation. I mean cry when you need to (illness, death or a terrible movie told from an animal's point of view that was made strickly to make humans cry). However, using tears as manipulation or to deflect things, well that just makes my underpants get into a bunch.

 

I wish I was a little younger and lived closer to you because here is what I would want to do.

 

I would come over and say, "Hi NCD", then give you a big kiss on the mouth, right in front of this user. Then you would go into the other room for a minute and I would look all doe eyed at Ms. Thing and say "Your son is so awesome, Hi I'm Underpants". Then I would join you in your room and we would take turns (fully clothed mind you) body slamming the wall whilst yelling and moaning and screaming ridiculous things. If we didn't hear the door slam shut during our production I would be sure to tease my hair, mess up my clothes and smear my make up before I left in my elated state of faked euphoria.

 

I would think she would move out very soon.

 

Oh well, it was fun plotting it. I do think you should take some time to read that book that Cali suggested. If I was your ex and lived with you I am sure I would have already browsed it. Food for thought.

 

Regards,

Unders

[NorCalDave]

NCD,

 

I would NOT suggest that you try to make a move on her. Why, really? She has told you and shown you her intentions and her character. You really should be asking yourself, and telling yourself that you and her are not a good match. You really need to make her move out, don't worry she has back up plans, women like her always do. Out of simple respect for you NCD tell her that she has to go, now. It is okay to stand up for yourself, but when you contradict yourself you appear weak and she is the type to prey on that weakness. Tell her to find alternative living arrangements and no, don't store her stuff. Let this fish swim away.

 

As a woman I get a little (okay alot) offended when people use tears as a form of manipulation. I mean cry when you need to (illness, death or a terrible movie told from an animal's point of view that was made strickly to make humans cry). However, using tears as manipulation or to deflect things, well that just makes my underpants get into a bunch.

 

I wish I was a little younger and lived closer to you because here is what I would want to do.

 

I would come over and say, "Hi NCD", then give you a big kiss on the mouth, right in front of this user. Then you would go into the other room for a minute and I would look all doe eyed at Ms. Thing and say "Your son is so awesome, Hi I'm Underpants". Then I would join you in your room and we would take turns (fully clothed mind you) body slamming the wall whilst yelling and moaning and screaming ridiculous things. If we didn't hear the door slam shut during our production I would be sure to tease my hair, mess up my clothes and smear my make up before I left in my elated state of faked euphoria.

 

I would think she would move out very soon.

 

Oh well, it was fun plotting it. I do think you should take some time to read that book that Cali suggested. If I was your ex and lived with you I am sure I would have already browsed it. Food for thought.

 

Regards,

Unders

 

 

Unders,

I like your plan alot.

I wish you could help me out with that. It would be awesome to see how she reacts.

She says things like, "I don't care, you can date other people."

But whenever I back off she comes calling because it seems she only wants my attention. She wants someone to adore her and feed her ego but when it comes to giving back she doesn't.

I actually felt good about myself today because I told her that she only talks about herself and I feel like I am just this body that will listen to what she has to say and she takes advantage of that. I asked her to pay attention to what comes out of her mouth. It's all about her.

I totally stumped her because she immediately shut up and went in her room and hid out in there.

I went to the river and jumped in and played guitar for about an hour and I felt great!! Sun! Happiness! No drama! No insecurity! No pain!!

When I got back to my car I noticed 2 messages from her saying she wants me to meet her at the movies.

WHY?

She doesn't want to have sex, she doesn't want a relationship, she just wants to use me for my listening ears, adoring eyes, and big cheap house.

She needs to go.

When I grow my balls back, she will be looking for another place.