Internet Chat Mistrust

[vale46]

Dont know where to start this really but I find my mind twisted by mistrust, disgust and disappointment. Dont even know whether i have a right to these feelings. Anyway here goes. Around December last year I started chatting to this 37 year old woman on the internet ( Im 40 ). This went on for a couple of months however I always suspected she was keepin her options open even though she said she was beginning to have feelings for me as she continued to chat to other men on msn, yahoo and as I found out later to send erotic pictures of herself while we were chatting and supposed to be building a relationship.

 

Anyways to cut a long story short we met in January and the relationship grew to the point where we are now living together. However Im beginning to wonder whether this was a huge mistake. You see my problem is this. She continues to chat to other men on msn, yahoo insisting that she is chatting to friends she has chatted to for a couple of years. OK in principal you might say. But I have since found out ...yes I did a bit of underhand checking...that some of these guys were the recipients of the erotic pictures and chat from her. now to me these arent or werent friends...they were prospective cyber lovers. my question is should she be still chatting to them ?

 

to be fair she says she loves me and also acts like it and also wants to marry me but when i have voiced concerns over the msn thing it has caused major arguements. apparently im showing a lack of trust. also to be fair i kind of think or should i say know the erotic chat and picture thing no longer goes on. i know cos i checked. in fact she rarely goes on the chat rooms cos im here all the time and she says she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable. but the fact is i wonder to myself should she even be talking to these guys at all given their history. another concern is she previously had an internet relationship with another guy and she has kept a folder of their conversations which to be fair she doesnt try to hide. she told me all about the relationship but i still couldnt help havin a look.

 

it makes interesting reading. conversations about their sex life when they met, how much they felt about each other. my question is why is she keeping this stuff ? why when i say the past should be consigned to the past and left does she refuse to get rid of this stuff ? remember this is a woman who acts and says i am the love of her life and let me tell you i kinda believe her. now it would appear that i have a problem with this womans past...but i dont. what i have a problem with is the past being constantly thrown in my face even though openly in the case of the files and to be honest its jeopardising the future.

 

i really dont know what to do. this woman says she would do anything for me. the evidence is to the contrary. she says the most important thing to her is that someone trusts her as she has never cheated in a relationship but has been acused of doing so in the past. now this statement i believe but cant help feeling if this is the way she has gone on a lot of the trouble she has brought on herself. she says all she wants to be is accepted for being herself but who is going to accept this kind of thing ? am i being unreasonable ? all thoughts appreciated...take care

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. She continues at least in an emotional level to be involved with various men on the internet. It is totally disrespectful and humiliating to you. I wonder how she would feel if you continued to be emotionally involved on the internet with numerous women?

 

I don't think she has a clue on how to act in a relationship. She tells you that she would do anything for you and wants to marry you but totally refuses to give up the men she connects with on the internet. I think you would be a totally fool to marry this woman. Do you honestly think you would be happy to marry a woman who continually chats with various men on the internet and keeps folders on them? These are huge red flags. My friend this is definitely a woman you should not ever consider marrying. How special can you feel about a woman who who continues to be involved with numerous men on the internet? Do you really have to have a piano to fall on your head to realize what all this means? I wish you luck.

[vale46]

Thanks for that reply brianp. my gut feeling is to agree with you totally but i dont think it is as simple as that. im not so sure that it is unreasonable to chat to men that are true friends on the internet and this is her arguement. and to be fair she hardly goes on and when she does i know for a fact the picture and intimate chat thing does not go on anymore. however i have listed a few things below that i would like some advice on below and what it would be reasonable of me to demand if this relationship should go any further

 

1. This woman said she fell in love with me while we were chatting online. on the strength of this i booked a trip for for us to meet up on jan 12 this year our initial meeting. yet i find out on the 8th of jan she had sent intimate pics of herself to another guy. as we had not met is it unreasonable of me to be disappointed and disgusted by this ? do i tell her i know of this ?

 

2. she still talks to men who she has sent intimate pics of herself to in the past before she met me saying they are friends. now i know this kind of thing doesnt go on anymore. trust me i checked. she even gave me her passwords as she says she has nothing to hide and can be trusted implicitly. but my point is this. these men ceased to be just 'friends' the moment she sent the pics even though it no longer goes on. do i have the right to demand that these men are never contacted again or replied to if this relationship is to go any further ?

 

3. should i just bluntly come out with its the internet or me. no myspace no msn no yahoo. the problem here is she talks to her local girlfriends on these mediums and to ban that seems unreasonable

 

i really feel in a major quandry here. i really think she is faithful at the moment. evidence shows that. and demanding that the internet stuff goes completely shows grave mistrust and that is gonna hurt her. but i really do think that anyone she has had intimate chats with in the past or sent pictures to should go. permanently

 

any advice on the most reasonable course of action would be highly appreciated

[Seen_It_All]

Seriously, is this woman 16 years old or something? The computer is freakin' fantasy land and she's placing just a little too much importance on lame chatbox 'friendships.' And the WORST part about it is that these creeps have ZERO loyalty to her.

 

While she's fighting YOU tooth and nail to preserve these ridiculous junior-high chat 'friendships,' I can guarantee you if one of these loser's wives find out about their special 'friendship,' he'd be gone like yesterday's garbage. I hardly think he'd fight his wife in honor of their so-called 'friendship' so he could keep it. I somehow doubt most of these bozo's are single. And if they ARE, they seriously need to get out into the REAL world and meet REAL people.

 

If this woman can't respect your position in her life and 'needs' to carry on with her internet lotharios, then she's got a serious mental problem. It's FANTASY LAND.

[BlueEyedSarah]

How does she even know these people on the internet are who they say they are? They could be someone making a porn site with her pictures... Would she really want her face in porn pop ups? Its proberbly unlikley but you just can not trust everyone on the internet these days.

[vale46]

thanks for your input sarah. again though it isnt quite that simple. she is 37 and a lot of these guys are in their twenties. i really could do with answers to the questions i asked as i think it is now do or die time - time for action. i gotta kill this internet stuff once an for all. i reiterate she is no longer doing the picture and chat stuff. my problem is shes even talkin to these guys at all

[BlueEyedSarah]

In my opinion she should respect you for not wanting her to talk to these guys because of her past 'playtime' she had with them. Since she is not listening to you about your concerns I would not trust her! She needs to grow up out of her fantasy internet land and focus on the great relationship with a great guy in real life or she will loose what she has right in front of her.

 

I suggest you try talking to her again about how you feel about it and if she does not listen to you then walk away from her, grab your stuff and go out the door, wait for a call from her and see what happens then.

[chaos40]

Dont know where to start this really but I find my mind twisted by mistrust, disgust and disappointment. Dont even know whether i have a right to these feelings. Anyway here goes. Around December last year I started chatting to this 37 year old woman on the internet ( Im 40 ). This went on for a couple of months however I always suspected she was keepin her options open even though she said she was beginning to have feelings for me as she continued to chat to other men on msn, yahoo and as I found out later to send erotic pictures of herself while we were chatting and supposed to be building a relationship.

 

Anyways to cut a long story short we met in January and the relationship grew to the point where we are now living together. However Im beginning to wonder whether this was a huge mistake. You see my problem is this. She continues to chat to other men on msn, yahoo insisting that she is chatting to friends she has chatted to for a couple of years. OK in principal you might say. But I have since found out ...yes I did a bit of underhand checking...that some of these guys were the recipients of the erotic pictures and chat from her. now to me these arent or werent friends...they were prospective cyber lovers. my question is should she be still chatting to them ?

 

to be fair she says she loves me and also acts like it and also wants to marry me but when i have voiced concerns over the msn thing it has caused major arguements. apparently im showing a lack of trust. also to be fair i kind of think or should i say know the erotic chat and picture thing no longer goes on. i know cos i checked. in fact she rarely goes on the chat rooms cos im here all the time and she says she knows it makes me feel uncomfortable. but the fact is i wonder to myself should she even be talking to these guys at all given their history. another concern is she previously had an internet relationship with another guy and she has kept a folder of their conversations which to be fair she doesnt try to hide. she told me all about the relationship but i still couldnt help havin a look.

 

it makes interesting reading. conversations about their sex life when they met, how much they felt about each other. my question is why is she keeping this stuff ? why when i say the past should be consigned to the past and left does she refuse to get rid of this stuff ? remember this is a woman who acts and says i am the love of her life and let me tell you i kinda believe her. now it would appear that i have a problem with this womans past...but i dont. what i have a problem with is the past being constantly thrown in my face even though openly in the case of the files and to be honest its jeopardising the future.

 

i really dont know what to do. this woman says she would do anything for me. the evidence is to the contrary. she says the most important thing to her is that someone trusts her as she has never cheated in a relationship but has been acused of doing so in the past. now this statement i believe but cant help feeling if this is the way she has gone on a lot of the trouble she has brought on herself. she says all she wants to be is accepted for being herself but who is going to accept this kind of thing ? am i being unreasonable ? all thoughts appreciated...take care

 

Of course she should still be chatting with them! Who in thier right mind would become the least bit jealous at their woman sending erotic pictures to other men over the internet. What are you some control freak or something? You better hurry up and marry her dude b/c chicks like this don't last on the open market for long.

 

And oh yeah, don't forget to blindly believe everything she tells you even if you have evidence proving that she is lying

[ImaManDammit]

In my opinion she should respect you for not wanting her to talk to these guys because of her past 'playtime' she had with them. Since she is not listening to you about your concerns I would not trust her! She needs to grow up out of her fantasy internet land and focus on the great relationship with a great guy in real life or she will loose what she has right in front of her.

 

I suggest you try talking to her again about how you feel about it and if she does not listen to you then walk away from her, grab your stuff and go out the door, wait for a call from her and see what happens then.

 

Ditto,

 

Been there, done that, and kicked her to the curb. Some people will never change. Turn the other cheek, if they don't listen, usher their cheeks out the door, or take yours and go.

[figuremeout]

OK, I define what she is doing as cheating. I've been there. The question is do you love her? Does she love you? You need to get into counseling and you both need to invest the time to figure it out together now. Do not wait. In a follow up you asked several questions:

 

1. This woman said she fell in love with me while we were chatting online. on the strength of this i booked a trip for for us to meet up on jan 12 this year our initial meeting. yet i find out on the 8th of jan she had sent intimate pics of herself to another guy. as we had not met is it unreasonable of me to be disappointed and disgusted by this ? do i tell her i know of this ?

 

A: Sure tell her it makes you feel bad as you thought she was into this relationship with you at this point and yet she was still "playing." You might do it in counseling though so you can hear what she has to say and it doesn't turn ugly.

 

2. she still talks to men who she has sent intimate pics of herself to in the past before she met me saying they are friends. now i know this kind of thing doesnt go on anymore. trust me i checked. she even gave me her passwords as she says she has nothing to hide and can be trusted implicitly. but my point is this. these men ceased to be just 'friends' the moment she sent the pics even though it no longer goes on. do i have the right to demand that these men are never contacted again or replied to if this relationship is to go any further ?

 

A: Youc annot control if they contact her necessarily, but you should be able to agree that if they make contact she not reply AND she tell you immediately. Otherwise it looks bad if you find out later. Essentially it sounds like you feel like you have been cheated on, so she needs to keep that in mind when she deals with trust issues you feel.

 

3. should i just bluntly come out with its the internet or me. no myspace no msn no yahoo. the problem here is she talks to her local girlfriends on these mediums and to ban that seems unreasonable

 

A: All or nothign isn't a great idea. Sounds like an ultimatum. Again, agree to limits, controls so you fele safe and she feels like she isn't in prison.

 

i really feel in a major quandry here. i really think she is faithful at the moment. evidence shows that. and demanding that the internet stuff goes completely shows grave mistrust and that is gonna hurt her. but i really do think that anyone she has had intimate chats with in the past or sent pictures to should go. permanently

 

any advice on the most reasonable course of action would be highly appreciated

 

I do agree that she shoudl not ever talk to those men she had intimate conversations with. Too risky for your heart. Perhaps she shoudl change her accounts and let the "right" people know what they are and that you have her passwords, but she also has yours too. With this, you both need to make sure your behavior isnt throwing up flags, like dont log out when she comes in, same for her, no doing it all the time when you are gone, etc.

[zink]

Seems that she has a bit of past internet baggage that she cant quite go cold turkey on.

 

To be honest it probably involves a number of guys who had they both been in the right circumstances (such as location, level of interest, him not married lol) she may have dated, hence the chats, friendships and pics... I mean very few people invest time when there's nothing at the end of it

 

Chances are these guys are of little interest to her now but she might be having a hard time telling them that there are to be no more chats and basically youre cut off. Some people just find it hard to be so final to another person. She might indeed be legitimate friends with them "now" but lets be honest, when it comes to random interent dudes...why take the chance.

 

If thats the case its way easier to let her place the blame on you lol - "sorry guys I've got a new bf and he is uncomfortable with me chatting to you - so basically i wont be around anymore" or whatever.

 

If she wont give them up, its a red flag because it maybe means she doesnt want to close the doors on other options if your relationship doesn't work out.

[East of Jupiter]

i really dont know what to do. this woman says she would do anything for me. the evidence is to the contrary. she says the most important thing to her is that someone trusts her as she has never cheated in a relationship but has been acused of doing so in the past. now this statement i believe but cant help feeling if this is the way she has gone on a lot of the trouble she has brought on herself. she says all she wants to be is accepted for being herself but who is going to accept this kind of thing ? am i being unreasonable ? all thoughts appreciated...take care

 

 

You are obviouly confused. If you weren't, you would clearly see that a 37 year old woman who is validating herself through online erotica with strangers has issues. Further, it appears she hasn't a clue what healthy boundaries are.

 

Ask anyone who has been betrayed and they will tell you that they wished they would have heeded their insticts. If I knew then what I know now? There is no way I would have married my husband. And if you stay with this woman, you may find yourself feeling similarly.

 

 

You sound like a nice guy. I tell you, personally I would think I deserve better. Maybe someone who knows how to act the love they speak of. It should not require you to point out the hurtfulness of her actions. That alone should be a deal breaker for you.

 

You get what you demand.

 

Good luck.

[vale46]

Thanks a lot guys for your thoughts and advice. I think when it comes down to it there a just a few things I want from her.

 

1. All printed files that are of an intimate nature destroyed. And to be honest I want to see them being destroyed.

 

2. All contacts on myspace, msn, yahoo messenger who she has enjoyed more than just friendly chats with deleted from her address books and blocked from contacting her. Also all emails she has received or sent of an intimate nature deleted.

 

3. Some of these guys have her phone number and she has theres. I want there numbers deleting and if necessary her number changed.

 

4. If she wants to chat to friends on the internet I want to know who they all are and the whole thing to be completely open...no secrets whatsoever

 

Now these may sound like demands. To me they are not. We are talkin spending the rest of our lives together. If Im honest Id rather she didnt bother with the chat thing at all but realise there have to be compromises. I am not an ogre or a control freak. There are many things in our relationship that are bliss. Yet everyday this whole thing burns me up. I want it to stop. She says I have trust issues. I dont think so. To be honest she does not talk to these guys any more yet why no clear out ? All I want is a clean slate. I dont want to be downstairs while shes upstairs chatting on msn wondering who the hell shes talkin to. She also says that my 'mistrust' will destroy us. As I said not mistrust. Just what I feel is correct behaviour in a loving relationship...Do not carry your intimate past in luggage everybody can see. She says i had no right to go snooping...effectively she was saying i had no right to know what kind of relationship she had had with some of these guys in the past and i brought on the pain myself...wrong. she is right in the fact that what she did in the past is none of my business. she mistakenly thinks i judge her for this. i dont. but when you talk about someone openly (as she has done to me about one of these guys not knowing what i knew) who is supposed to be just a friend who you know was a little more than that (be it only cyber or not) and dont disclose the fact to someone you plan to spend the rest of your life with...then you are lying...hiding things. The daft thing is i know she wouldnt cheat and i know she loves me. Yet i still feel her behaviour is unacceptable in a committed relationship. I would appreciate any thoughts on whether im being unreasonable or not and for that matter any critcisms. All i want is for this to stop and happiness to fill me again