Staying together for the kids? rethink it!

[km]

The following is an unsolicited opinion...

 

I just read a thread about "how do you stay together when you're miserable," where "staying together for the kids' sake" was discussed.

 

As someone who grew up in a totally dysfunctional family, and who is now childless by choice, I have to say: PLEASE RETHINK THIS. I have no idea how damaging divorce is, to a kid. I would imagine a nasty divorce is NOT psychically healthy. But I can attest to the fact that a nasty marriage is VERY DEFINITELY psychically damaging.

 

I am now unable to NOT repeat the mistakes my parents made. I fight exactly the same way they did -- the way I HATED when I was a child. I never learned how to fight fairly, and so I don't. Even knowing that I shouldn't be doing it, I cannot stop.

 

My parents' "vow" to "stay together for the sake of the children" has destroyed their daughter's ability to be "well married." I'm just thankful that I knew early on that I would destroy any children, if I had them, and avoided that catastrophe.

[GALT]

I probably agree with you a lot!

[Curmudgeon]

I am now unable to NOT repeat the mistakes my parents made. I fight exactly the same way they did -- the way I HATED when I was a child. I never learned how to fight fairly, and so I don't. Even knowing that I shouldn't be doing it, I cannot stop.

 

My parents' "vow" to "stay together for the sake of the children" has destroyed their daughter's ability to be "well married." I'm just thankful that I knew early on that I would destroy any children, if I had them, and avoided that catastrophe.

 

Your first statement should be:

 

I intend to make the same mistakes my parents did. I don't want to learn how to fight fairly. I do it because I don't want to stop.

 

Your second statement should be:

 

I have allowed my parents' to destroy my ability to marry well. If I had children I'd choose to destroy them also.

 

Do you get my drift? All you described is learned behavior which is why dysfynction flows from one generation into the next. Children learn what they live. However, it can be unlearned.

 

I, too, was raised in a totally dysfunctional family with constantly fighting parents who were also alcoholics and two of the ugliest, dirtiest fighters you can imagine. In my first marriage I did infinitely better than they did but enough of it carried over which contributed to my own divorce after 25 years.

 

I took the next two years "off" and lived like a monk to work on myself. It was a sometimes very painful process but in the end, I reinvented myself, cast off those learned behaviors, came to like myself and enjoy my own company and only then felt ready for a social life.

 

I am now 11 years into a second marriage which is nothing like the first. My wife and I have an occasional little spat now and then but there's no yelling, demeaning, name calling or other form of disrespect and anger. Most often we have conversations, not confrontations and we both recognize and often agree that on some issues we will just have to agree to disagree.

 

If I unlearned the behavior I was carefully taught by my parents, you can too!

[child_of_isis]

I am just not into "It's my parent's fault that I do this or that"...not when you reach adulthood anyway.

 

There comes a time when you are able to choose whether to engage in a behavior or not.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm in agreement with Curm. Your parent's mistakes are only bound to become your mistakes if you CHOOSE to allow it.

 

While "staying together for the kids" is probably not in the best interest of children, choosing to make your marriage WORK for the sake of the kids is a whole different ballgame.