Confronting The Lies, or Walk Away?

[Brad_from_NJ]

Please chime in with your opinion.

 

OK, I've had a lengthy thread with over 1000 reads (the link is below).

 

What I am NOW trying to determine is this:

Do I confront this woman about her half-truths, deceptions, omissions and a few lies?

Or do I simply walk away (some of you suggested I run away)?

 

Some of my feelings of confronting her, I'll admit, I can chalk up to wanting to have the last word.

Some of the feelings come from the fact that I feel nearly the same way I did 25 years ago (all over again).

 

And yeah, some of the feelings are due to the fact that I am crazy (and thus, a little blind) about her, despite all of this.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=121864

 

Please let me know your opinion...confront or walk?

Thanks in advance.

[2sunny]

you never seem to get a straight answer when you ask her anything... i'd just walk away - the wondering about her honesty level makes me uncomfortable - at best

[squeak]

You seem like the type that would not be able to walk away without some discussion or explanation of why you are through with this. I imagine that if you just walked away at some point you would want to contact her to expain why you left, am I right?

 

The only danger of the confrontation scenario is she may entwine you even more, and confuse you with apologies and explanations. You have to be ready for that too.

 

Ask yourself some questions as to why you would want to have this last talk:

 

Knowing yourself-can you just walk away? Do you need to have a confrontation because deep down you are scared you will start a relationship again with her?

 

Are you doing this to bring it to a head and therefore make it so there is no going back?

 

I have a feeling you may be racked with guilt afterwards, so just tread carefully, you don't HAVE to do anything, there does NOT have to be a final resolution. The truth is, those things only work in the movies.

 

Does anyone have any good experience with "the last conversation"?

 

Probably not....they never really feel as good as you may imagine because the damage usually has been done. Sometimes you just want to protect yourself and walk away before more can go down. Before more dishonesty and head games and etc etc it can just keep going on and dragging itself out at the expense of your emotional life.....

[Brad_from_NJ]

Hey Squeak, you raise good points.

 

I think I can walk away, after all, we didn't have any contact for 20 years. I just have so much emotionally invested, so I'm a little confused. I think if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd want to know why the other person is leaving...but she may not feel that way. Don't know.

 

And yeah, there is a little faint glimmer of hope (like the movies?) that maybe she'll figure out I'm serious about disliking the way she's treating me. I know I can't change other people, but when we split up in the mid-'80's she thought it was about sex (or, rather the lack of it). I wish you could have seen the look on her face when I recently told her that I split up with her back then because I didn't feel like I was a priority in her life.

 

Hence, the reason for the poll. Walk? Or tell her why I'm leaving?

Thanks again.

[squeak]

I think I can walk away, after all, we didn't have any contact for 20 years. I just have so much emotionally invested, so I'm a little confused. I think if the shoe were on the other foot, I'd want to know why the other person is leaving...but she may not feel that way. Don't know.

 

I think I read a saying on someone's moniker that said something like "an easy break up is like saying steamplowing through a china shop nicely"

 

Let go of that right now, to start with, she did not treat you the way you would have treated another...why extend this courtesy still?

 

I only say this because reading between the lines, you are ripe to be more hurt and manipulated than whatever good feeling of resolution you think you will feel

 

And yeah, there is a little faint glimmer of hope (like the movies?) that maybe she'll figure out I'm serious about disliking the way she's treating me.

 

THAT is what I mean...deep down, in magical thinking, a hope exists that after she sees you are ready to leave she will chase after you and everything will change. Are you prepared for her to turn the tables on you and blame you and walk away and end it mid conversation? You are picturing her being remorseful and devastated, missing you. But she may get the gist and flip the switch on you, and YOU may end up caving and begging for her back.

 

These conversations are tricky....don't picture you will say it, be relieved, and walk away feeling good, that will not happen!!

 

Hence, the reason for the poll. Walk? Or tell her why I'm leaving?

Thanks again.

 

Ultimately, you are going to do what you feel comfortable with, I hink you are going to want this conversation, but I think you will be devastated because deep down you don't want it to end and are hoping for a different outcome....I don't want to see you smashed here Brad.

 

If you can do it....I would seriously advise you to lessen contact and pull away gradually---no big confronmtations. She already knows, the fact that 20 years ago she did not get it..she still won't.

 

They say when people restart relationships, the problems are usually the same....just drop it, pull away. But you can only do that when you accept that YOU WILL NEVER GET HER TO SEE YOUR POINT AND YOU CAN"T CHANGE HER! You are so caught up in the circle of drama, you can't see it. When you lessen contact you will find yourself missing her less and less, and loving the lack of drama. One day you may want to write her a note, but pleasse, for the love of Jove, DON"T SEND IT!!!!

[child_of_isis]

Confronting a liar about lying will get you nothing but lies.

[Bryanp]

From your messages I would say certainly confront her and tell her why you are walking away. She will probably lie but she will know deep down that she was unable to fool you.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Maybe it's a male female thing, but the responses from the women say to walk away. The male replies (OK, only one so far) say confront.

 

Is it a male/female thing? I have to say that Squeak laid out the most likely scenario I've had in my head, where she may flip the switch on me.

 

We spoke for a few minutes Friday afternoon. Then didn't talk at all this weekend, which is very unusual for us. I picked up the phone and called her this morning, she seemed surprised and happy to hear from me, and acted as if nothing is up. I don't get it.

 

Just having a hard time with simply withdrawing/walking away.

Don't really know why. I hate dwelling on this, as I have been blowing off work and other things and just centering on this lately.

[2sunny]

her half-truths, deceptions, omissions and a few lies?

 

i guess i am wondering - as a gal - why a man that is probably my age - would want to settle for a gal that gives half-truths, deceptions, omissions and a few lies?

 

you seem to be a nice man that is willing to short change yourself.

 

there are nice women out there! i wouldn't settle for what you are presenting - based on having a history together - because she is ultimately disrespecting you all the way around.

[Brad_from_NJ]

Hey 2sunny, you are right. I'm very confused right now.

 

I can't put my finger on it. I feel I've been completely blinded by the whole concept of a relationship with this women. Which is why I've been posting here. I wanted so much to be with her, and to build a future with her. But these signs are troubling. So these posts help me give another perspective.

 

This is so unlike me. I'm just not myself lately. I've been engrossed in this whole thing.

[2sunny]

the fact that you can't put your finger on it means something is definitely "off"

 

this is why it may not be worth the pain she seems to be bringing your way!

[Sal Paradise]

Brad honestly I would break up with her. I would however confront her first. No matter what she says its best to just cut your losses after the confrontation and move on.

[PinkAngelStar]

I would say walk away, I'm sorry Brad, but I feel it's for the best, you've tried talking to her, when you do she gets angry, what more can you do? If you confront her, it will lead to more anger between you both. You've done nothing but care about her, can you continue to be a part time boyfriend while the other guy fills in? I don't feel you'll get any more answers even by confronting her but tell her why you're walking away and take it from there. She has no respect for your feelings, and it must feel like you've got a brick wall in front of you that you just can't seem to break through to make her understand.