Co-habitation hell - wants to 'just be friends now'

[freakygal78]

I have just been told last night after a month of moving in with my boyfriend that he sees me as only a friend now and that he is happy to have me stay on at the house we are living in but in the spare room. What the hell do I do? We are sharing with another person so it makes things a tad awkward for everyone. We have been seeing each other for 5 months and he was virtually living at my place before we both agreed to move to his old place to save up some money to move into a place of our own. It's been 4 weeks of withdrawal and ignorance on his part with no reason given or he's told me nothing is wrong when I brought it up. I have been trying to instigate a career change in the interim and have enrolled in courses etc. so frankly this comes at a really bad time since I have no procured work yet to be able to move out and share with someone else. I have been relegated to friend status overnight and it took me a month to drag out of him what was obviously wrong. Right now I just feel so emotionally drained. He hasn't been here for me while I've been going through some very stressful times and has finally seem it fit to tell me in a lighthearted way that our relationship doesn't suit him anymore. I had visions of a future with this man and it was certainly looking that way until recently. How can I stay in a place and be humiliated in this way - I really don't understand. I cannot stay anywhere long term at the moment as I do not have regular employment. All throughout the relationship I paid my own way and he stayed at my place for four months rent-free. I pay rent and expenses here - it seems like I have been used in the worst way. What can I do in this situation - should I take up his offer of staying on here in an uncomfortable situation till I get on my feet or hightail it out of here at any cost? I cannot believe he has come out with this at the worst possible time.

[Enema]

I definitely think you should stay there until you've pulled yourself together and can comfortably move out.

 

There's no need to feel humiliated or ashamed here, if anything He should feel uncomfortable around You.

 

Ignoring what his motives may have been, it's time for you to pull it all together and move on, just focus on that.

[Lynna]

Stay there until you can get on your feet. If you have not signed a lease, heck, you could even stop paying rent and expenses. Tell him you need to save up so that you can move out. You should get a part time job to also start saving up. Do you have family or a friend you could move in with?

[CynicalP]

Look on the bright side, your not trapped in a marriage nor do you share children with this man. Once you get your feet back on the ground your free to pursue your life goals and desires with no strings attached. If you can deal with the awkwardness of living under the same roof with the man while you straighten out your lousy bit of luck then it seems to be in your best interest to do so. Soon you'll hitting your stride again and can close this unpleasant chapter of your life. Best of luck to you!

[mishy]

he is happy to have me stay on at the house we are living in but in the spare room..... He hasn't been here for me while I've been going through some very stressful times ......... All throughout the relationship I paid my own way and he stayed at my place for four months rent-free. I pay rent and expenses here - it seems like I have been used in the worst way. What can I do in this situation - should I take up his offer of staying on here in an uncomfortable situation till I get on my feet or hightail it out of here at any cost? I cannot believe he has come out with this at the worst possible time.

 

 

First and foremost - what an absolute bloody wanker.

When i started reading this i thought, yeah move out, BUT HE'S the one who should be moving out!

 

I think that he owes you some goodwill and should be giving you 4 months rent free at this joint you're in now. I would be pretty much taking it for granted that this is what he should be doing.

 

You need to get on your feet, and so i would stay there as long as bearable.

I would be moving out straightaway if he will not let you stay there rent free for those 4 months that you are owed.

 

Sadly enough we find out what our friends/ boyfriends are really like when we are hit with hard times. I really sympathise. This guy is such an insensitive jerk. How arrogant of him. No character!

[freakygal78]

Thank you all for your responses - it made me feel like not quite so much of a loser.

 

In the interim, I have decided to stay on as I have not much choice really. I moved into the spare room and make it comfy etc, have started to get my head together a week on etc.

 

Then last night he txts me and says he wants us to get back together again and that he was just not used to living with someone after years of living alone. I was gobsmacked!

 

I had just got into a single mindset again and now this! I guess that him seeing me focussed and motivated and perhaps positive for the first time in ages made him see me as the person he first met again - single and carefree and not an emotional cripple from having an unsympathetic bf in her life.

 

I told him I did not know what to say and that I don't think he realised the magnitude of what he had put me through in the past week. After sleeping on it, I woke up feeling that my heart wanted to have the cuddles back and the the same old warm familiarity again but my head is still rather strongly saying 'no, don't let him take you for a sucker'. I mean being told by someone you love that he sees you as a friend now and not in a romantic light anymore is rather hurtful! It's flat out rejection!

 

Maybe since I've been making more of an effort with my grooming and going out and doing things for myself he sees me as attractive again but still it doesn't excuse him not being there for me during the hard times. I'm thinking that I should just stick to my guns and weather this out - tell him sorry but I only see him as a friend now also.

 

Things wouldn't change we would still have the same respective faults in each other I think to be quite honest. Just don't want to have another go at this and see it crash and burn again. I did not realise staying on here might make it so awkward with the proximity thing but still I have no choice for the moment but still he says whatever I decide, he still wants me to stay here and still wants to be a friend.

[Lynna]

Seems like you are thinking carefully about this situation, VERY good for you! If he has so many doubts about this then it is probably better that you stay in the spare bedroom. If you are concerned that there are other issues there that would prevent this relationship from going anywhere in the long run, then DON'T hook back up with him. I mean he could not even ask you out again in person after what he did, but he texted you? Jeesh, he is definitely not serious.

 

Get out there and look for someone you connect with better. Someone who you can envision a future with, after all that is the ultimate goal of dating for most people, to find love and a life-time partner. Live your own life and move out of there as soon as possible. Keep him as a friend only if you want to, don't let him pressure you into anything. And don't fall back and settle for what is comfortable. Look for the passion and excitement of true love, it is out there!

[Art_Critic]

Then last night he txts me and says he wants us to get back together again and that he was just not used to living with someone after years of living alone. I was gobsmacked!

 

Tell him to get lost.. any guy that would put you thru what he just has is an idiot and he will only do it again..

 

It sounds to me that he might have been grooming another girl behind the scenes and it was looking good so he broke up with you. then it fell thru so you are back on again..

 

Be careful...

[freakygal78]

Aaah, gotta love your bluntness art critic! I lol-ed. You are both right, I deserve better, and I told him as much yesterday morning as much as I was aware of 'crushing his vulnerable feelings'. I told him that I don't think things would have changed, I'll still be loquacious and quite open with my feelings, he'll still be private and withdrawn in personality, we'll still annoy each other eventually and things will come to an impasse again - yes I miss the cuddles and the sex like any other human would but I can't let this rule me. I have secured a job interview for tommorrow, things are looking good and I really don't need this dross weighing me down. It feels a bit funny but it didn't feel right re-initiating the r'ship with him either - I think I did the right thing by following my gut instinct. As for the suggestion of another girl behind the scenes, this is quite possible, there is his work and there is his sporting club and he had gone through a file (shameful retrospective sleuthing I know!!!) of his ex-gf's (rather bad) poetry a week before we broke up so I guess if it walks like a duck..... Just glad I have FINALLY gained the wisdom to stay away from something when it is obviously not working. Thx for the advice all!