No sex before marriage

[Golfguy]

My fiancee and I have been living together for 3 yrs now. She is 39 I am 42, we have three children 14, 11 and 2. The older two are from her previous relationships. We have had a very rocky relationship from early on, however I proposed to her 1 1/2 years ago, to see if that would help get us on the right path, it did for a while. But the road is rocky again, and I am unsure of what path to take.

Three years ago, after about 6 months of dating and a very good sex life, she pushed for me to let her to move in with her two kids. I was very reluctant, because I wasnt over the last relasionship yet. I finally gave in after she said she would break it off unless we went to the next level. Within a few weeks she is pregnant, and with that pregnancy becomes distant and unloving towards me for the whole pregancy, and remains to this day. We have some terrible fights at times, and have seen a counsellor, we stopped going together because she said like he was a waste of time, I think it was because he was siding with me. At one time when I brought up the fact that I disliked feeling alone and unloved, I became choked and emotional, and he said to her why dont you feel like putting your arms around him, she said that she had no desire to. I continued to see him, but she wanted for me to stop saying he was no good. He told me that I should not continue to be in a relationship like this for too long.

Up until a few months ago we had sex maybe every 6 weeks. Every once in a while she brings up the fact that she is not happy being not married. We rarely share the same bed (i do snore), and even if we are in the same bed she will not allow sex because she says no sex until marriage. I say that I want our relationship to improve before we get married, ie (sleep together and have sex, show affection for each other) and she says all this will happen after the legalities of marriage have taken place. There may be an underlying issue with her health, some blood work tests showed up some abnormalities. She has mentioned that she needed to change her will for who would look after the kids if she died. She made a remark that it would not be me since we were not married.

What do I make of all this? She is a good mother, and for most people is fun to be around, it just seem like for me there is a wall. Is it there because of a lack of committment like she says, or is it something else.

Your thoughts, thanks.

[BrockenHeart]

what's wrong with u man? she wants to marry u. does she want to kill u? it is only marriage? or u want to avoid the resposibility? is she asking for 5 million dollars? she is asking for MARRIAGE, is it that hard? go marry her man and give her her rights

[JamesM]

BrockenHeart...or is it BrokenHeart....

 

I think GolfGuy does want to marry but he is thinking that she does not show enough love and commitment to marry him. She seems to be very distant to him.

 

I got stuck at the "no sex before marriage, but we have a child" part. It seems to me that the two of you have crossed that line awhile back. Besides, why did she want to move in...free room and board? And why does she not want to work on the relationship?

 

I am with you. If she does not seem eager to fix what is wrong before marriage, then after marriage it will be worse. Guaranteed.

 

Here is my suggestion. If you are not satisfied with how things are and you wonder if this will work as a marriage...and she wants no sex before marriage, then I say that you say, "We need to go back to dating again. I want to have us start over. Then if we feel this relationship will work out, we will marry...not move in together."

 

I know you two have a child together, and that makes it more difficult. But here is the thing I see...she hands you ultimatums, you go along with her. She said we move in, or it's over...you let her move in. She says no sex until marriage...you have no sex. She says no to counseling...there is no counseling. I think you need to decide what you want and make your choice. She seems to be influencing (too much) your decisions or even deciding what is happening in your life.

 

Why do you love her? If you had no child together, do you think that inside you would rather move on to someone else? Does being married to her...AS SHE IS NOW...sound appealing? Can you see being married to her for the next thirty or forty years? Is this the same woman who you dated?

 

Think now before making the next move.

[norajane]

I say that I want our relationship to improve before we get married, ie (sleep together and have sex, show affection for each other) and she says all this will happen after the legalities of marriage have taken place.

 

Things will not get better after marriage - that's a big, fat, lie. She's trying to manipulate you into getting married.

 

Marry her only if you want a lifetime of no sex and no affection.

At one time when I brought up the fact that I disliked feeling alone and unloved, I became choked and emotional, and he said to her why dont you feel like putting your arms around him, she said that she had no desire to.

 

This woman has no love for you.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

1. Your therapist basically told you to end it, from what I can gather from your post. We pay professionals to give us advice for a reason, and it sounds like the advice you are receiving may be sound.

 

2. She is doing anything and everything possible to exercise control over you. She has permanently withheld sex (no doubt while expecting complete fidelity from you) until such time as you actually complete marrying her. This is not done for any religious or other good reason that I can plainly see, other than to exercise control over you. She has allowed and encouraged you to develop a relationship with her children, yet she has stated that you will not be the guardian of them if something happens to her.

 

3. You mentioned bloodwork, but you do not seem to be sure what is going on (either that, your you are not saying, which is fine if that is the case). Your partner is apparently talking about dying. I would be somewhat concerned about what this is, if she is not being completely honest and open with you about it. We could be talking about any number of illnesses or diseases, and these are the sorts of things that one's partner should know about.

 

4. She has stated that she had no desire to put her arms around you. Does this not tell you anything? She has stated she will sleep with you if you get married to her. I don't know about you, but I don't think I would even want to sleep with someone who didn't have any desire to even put her arms around me.

 

5. I think you need to take a step back, and consider what is really in your best interest. You have legal rights regarding the children that are yours, and you should consult a lawyer about this.

 

6. From what you have posted, this person you are with sounds like a person with extreme emotional issues, your therapist has basically advised you to dump her, you have at least one child in common with her, she is saying she may have a life-threatening disease but may be acting vague with you about exactly what it is, she will not sleep with you now despite having an active sex life with you in the past, she does not have any desire to even put her arms around you, and she seems intent on marriage, right now, and is doing everything possible to pressure you into making a lifelong decision you may or may not be ready for. If none of this gives you pause...

 

You need to know more about this mysterious illness, how she really feels about you, and exactly what therapy or professional help she is willing to get to help her work through these obvious issues she has before you can even think about staying with her (professional help for her is not optional here), let alone even think about getting married. I'm sorry to be the bearer of such news, but if you are posting here about this, you probably know most of this already. Best of luck.

 

PS: Marriage never makes things better. At best, marriage will just freeze in place and solidify whatever relationship (great, good, or bad) that you already have (or sometimes, make things worse). From what you have told us, your relationship really sucks right now, and you do not want to do anything to make that more permanent.