No sex before marriage

[Golfguy]

My fiancee and I have been living together for 3 yrs now. She is 39 I am 42, we have three children 14, 11 and 2. The older two are from her previous relationships. We have had a very rocky relationship from early on, however I proposed to her 1 1/2 years ago, to see if that would help get us on the right path, it did for a while. But the road is rocky again, and I am unsure of what path to take.

Three years ago, after about 6 months of dating and a very good sex life, she pushed for me to let her to move in with her two kids. I was very reluctant, because I wasnt over the last relasionship yet. I finally gave in after she said she would break it off unless we went to the next level. Within a few weeks she is pregnant, and with that pregnancy becomes distant and unloving towards me for the whole pregancy, and remains to this day. We have some terrible fights at times, and have seen a counsellor, we stopped going together because she said like he was a waste of time, I think it was because he was siding with me. At one time when I brought up the fact that I disliked feeling alone and unloved, I became choked and emotional, and he said to her why dont you feel like putting your arms around him, she said that she had no desire to. I continued to see him, but she wanted for me to stop saying he was no good. He told me that I should not continue to be in a relationship like this for too long.

Up until a few months ago we had sex maybe every 6 weeks. Every once in a while she brings up the fact that she is not happy being not married. We rarely share the same bed (i do snore), and even if we are in the same bed she will not allow sex because she says no sex until marriage. I say that I want our relationship to improve before we get married, ie (sleep together and have sex, show affection for each other) and she says all this will happen after the legalities of marriage have taken place. There may be an underlying issue with her health, some blood work tests showed up some abnormalities. She has mentioned that she needed to change her will for who would look after the kids if she died. She made a remark that it would not be me since we were not married.

What do I make of all this? She is a good mother, and for most people is fun to be around, it just seems like for me there is a wall. Is it there because of a lack of committment like she says, or is it something else?

Your thoughts, thanks.

[Reckless]

This woman sounds like an absolute nightmare; I am not usually one to say give it up but I forsee much pain and heartache for you in future years if you continue this relationship.

 

People usually only hear what they want to hear and I fear this may be the case with you but in case you are able to hear me listen up:

 

this is a very very bad choice of a partner. Get out. Continue to have a good relationship with her for the sake of your child but do not marry her. She sounds like the devil incarnate! If there are any hills in your area, I advise you to pack your bags and head for them!!

 

Reckless

 

Ps. Getting a marriage certificate does not make a bad relationship good.

 

R

 

PPs. Emotional and sexual blackmail are BAD things.

 

Regards.

 

PPPS. Any partner unwilling to work to improve a relationship shouldn't be in one.

 

PPPPs. Letting yourself be pushed into a relationship before you are ready is a recipe for disaster.

 

PPPPPs... oh forget it... Just don't marry her!

[JulieJ]

She is withholding sex and leveraging the kids to get what she wants, plain and simple. I think you need to talk to her about why she wants to get married and ask why she has had the sudden change of heart about having sex before marriage.

[disgracian]

I say that I want our relationship to improve before we get married, ie (sleep together and have sex, show affection for each other) and she says all this will happen after the legalities of marriage have taken place.

This part stood out for me as a warning klaxon. She's either kidding you or herself by saying this, simply because either the feelings are there or they aren't. If they're not, then a ceremony isn't going to make them magically appear.

 

I've seen a few people who have banked on marriage to sort out their relationship problems, and not once has it actually gone down that way. I'm not suggesting any particular course of action, only that as long as she's saying that, you're both on a hiding to nothing.

 

Cheers,

D.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

See my post in your other thread. To abbreviate - get her professional help, a lot of it, see a lawyer about your rights regarding your kids, find out what her mysterious illness is (unless it is just another guilt trip to pressure you into what she wants, which is possible), do not allow her to pressure you into a decision that can only make things worse because marriage never makes things better, just more permanent (permanent good, or permanent bad - in your case, permanent awful). Listen to your therapist. I can't tell you what you should do, but in your position, I would run, get custody of the kids that were mine, file child support on her, and move on. The woman has no desire to even give you a hug? Newsflash, that kind of means she doesn't even really LIKE you! Marriage (at least for most normal people) requires LOVE. She wants the marriage to solidify your obligations. You can do that through the courts with regards to the kids without ruining the rest of your life. It really sounds like she has issues much greater than you are going to be able to solve based upon your description.