You WILL get over HIM/HER

[BatteredByLove]

Hi guys, It's been a while since i've been on LS, but boy, LS had helped me in ways unimaginable.

 

I, like you guys were battered, and for about a year, I was depressed, saddened by all the lost memories, and recalled on the times I spent with my ex. But things DO get better, and how do I know this? I've been down that road before. Everyone here on LS is either down that road before or walking the walk with you guys, so we do know what we're talking about , hehe.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to tell you how or why to get over that significant other, but, I will tell you that we do need our time to mourn, but once that mourning period is up, it's time to start our lives again. Believe me, there are LOTS AND LOTS OF OTHERS OUT THERE, you just have to open up. I didn't really started talking to other girls until 3 months ago.... and within the last 3 months, I've met some WONDERFUL gals who were 100000x better than my ex, so yea, I sorta regret waiting, but hey, mourning is mourning .

 

And why didn't I find those gals? I was too depressed and was always thinking about my ex. Give yourself a chance, and give your love life another chance. Don't worry, you'll live

 

-BatteredByLove

[triplem]

Thanks for the good words. When you're in the bottom of the ditch it's nice to hear a voice calling out from topside.

 

I've been having a tough week. I've moved out of my old apartment. The stress of moving has certainly dredged up some of the emotions and turmoil of my breakup. It's natural, but it's distressed me after feeling that I'd made so much progress. I've found myself entertaining the kind of hurtful wishing and reminiscing that I had been leaving behind. I'm literally sifting through the memories of the life/love lost. It's one more of those moments when you have to let go of a little bit more hope.

 

I have really been beating myself up for being in this state 7-8 months after the breakup. But hearing your story and knowing that you had a tough year makes me feel a lot better.

 

Your words convince me that I have to just keep plugging away. One step at a time.

[madgun68]

Don't worry about how long it's taking you to let go of your loss. Everyone needs a different amount of time. Until you feel like you're ready, allow yourself all the time you need.

 

My ex and I had only been seeing each other for two months, but it took me longer than what would be considered normal to get over the loss of the relationship. Without going in to all the details, the first couple of months I hadn't really even started to heal yet. (It was around Thanksgiving/Christmas and most of my family is deceased. It really hadn't bothered me until last year and I took it real hard.. slipped in to a depression that lasted a couple of months.) It wasn't until around April where I felt like I was ready to meet other people.

 

Right now, I'm just focusing on me. Working two jobs so I can afford things I've been wanting/needing for some time and have been doing without. I'm not looking at the moment, but I definately wouldn't pass something up should it come along.

 

Don't sweat it if you think you've healed and occasionally you get side-swiped by feelings you thought were long gone. They don't last long. Either you didn't want them to be a part of your life or they didn't want you to be a part of their life. Remind yourself of that..

[Trialbyfire]

There's a big, wide world out there afterwards. Your opportunities to be happy increase a hundred-fold. To waste too much time cycling on a failed relationship will continue the downward spiral for self-esteem and self-respect. No doubt there's a mourning period but don't be afraid to lean on all your resoources for recovery and if necessary, use therapy.

 

You really have to focus on self first though, getting over things so you don't end up in a rebound relationship.

[9Lives]

Thank you guys. I feel like grap again today even though I am getting things done. I miss him so much and I wanted it to work between us. I am on the 6th day of NC. I have no intention of contacting him and I dont want him to contact me either unless he makes changes in his life. I dont see that coming and I am not counting on it either. That is just a hope of mine.

 

Anyway, thanks for being here. I need it so bad. I feel like crying right now cause I miss him alot.

[McFadden]

Thanks for saying that. I'm getting kind of worried as I have hit the 6 month mark of NC and I'm still at the bottom of the ditch. I wonder at what point you have to give up and concider you might have a serious problem? Apparently one guy has been into his ex for 10 years (although I don't know who it is but I heard he was on LS.)

[child_of_isis]

This brings to mind a story my old writing prof. used to tell us all the time.

 

She would say..."I have been where you are. You are in the middle of the ocean rowing toward shore. Well, I am on the shore now, and all I can do is yell, "row man, row"!

[Travis L]

Thank you guys. I feel like grap again today even though I am getting things done. I miss him so much and I wanted it to work between us. I am on the 6th day of NC. I have no intention of contacting him and I dont want him to contact me either unless he makes changes in his life. I dont see that coming and I am not counting on it either. That is just a hope of mine.

 

I just want you to know I'm right there with ya. I'm 3 weeks since break up, 3 days since NC. I know she won't call me but it would be so wonderful if she had an epiphany that I was the man she truly wanted...come running into my arms crying and saying she was sorry.... Oh, the fantasies.. Four years gone over a little disagreement on 30 minutes of time, which brought back all of the old fights of the relationship and she rammed them down my throat. I had plans to ask her to marry me a week after we broke up. I hate the cycle of emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, guilt...

[Chinook]

{sigh}

 

It's been 5 days now. I feel so unbearably sad. I can't stop weeping and asking any higher power that will listen to just turn the feelings off now. I find myself weeping in the shower, in the car and almost at any given moment. Isn't enough pain enough...?

 

Plus, I broke NC on Saturday and asked him for closure. We've been through this several times and he broke up with me by email. I think to extinguish the hope that it isn't just another one of those instances, I need him to tell me we can't go back ever and there is no hope. I guess I'm kinda getting that from his silence. I just can't work out how a week ago someone could tell you they love you and then now a week later they can't extend compassion to put me out of my incessant misery. I don't think I have felt this miserable in a long time. How long does this stage last...? I'm really hurting here.

[madgun68]

Thanks for saying that. I'm getting kind of worried as I have hit the 6 month mark of NC and I'm still at the bottom of the ditch. I wonder at what point you have to give up and concider you might have a serious problem? Apparently one guy has been into his ex for 10 years (although I don't know who it is but I heard he was on LS.)

The biggest hurdle I had to overcome was the hope for reconciliation. Once I realised that there just wasn't a second chance, I found I was able to move on easier because I wasn't holding back, hoping for something that just wasn't going to happen.

 

You deserve better. That may be hard to believe, because we often see ourselves spending the rest of our lives with the other person, but you do. You deserve someone who will appreciate you for who you are and will want to be with you.

 

Until then, don't worry about time. Just carry on, and, be good to yourself!

[Travis L]

{sigh}

 

It's been 5 days now. I feel so unbearably sad. I can't stop weeping and asking any higher power that will listen to just turn the feelings off now. I find myself weeping in the shower, in the car and almost at any given moment. Isn't enough pain enough...?

 

Plus, I broke NC on Saturday and asked him for closure. We've been through this several times and he broke up with me by email. I think to extinguish the hope that it isn't just another one of those instances, I need him to tell me we can't go back ever and there is no hope. I guess I'm kinda getting that from his silence. I just can't work out how a week ago someone could tell you they love you and then now a week later they can't extend compassion to put me out of my incessant misery. I don't think I have felt this miserable in a long time. How long does this stage last...? I'm really hurting here.

 

Chinook - I am new to this website but I sure can relate to you... I broke NC on Saturday too but I wasn't really looking for closure.. Part of me wants her to spell it out to me that she wants nothing to do with me and part of me wants her to come running back to me... That contact brought me right back to Day 1. We have to stay strong and maintain NC, I'm afraid, or we'll continuously return to the well for more pain... Obviously, I cannot answer the question of how long does this stage last, as I am in it, but I am hoping its a short one The further away from the contact date, the better I become...

 

I have the hope for reconciliation with correction of mistakes on both parts but in the end I have to defend my well-being against any more let-downs... I keep a baby-flame alive for the hope...but have moved on in every other aspect.. Ugh, so confusing.. I wish life came with a handbook. Thank God that I found LS before I tried to make more contact with her.

 

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL when it comes to how someone could tell you they love you and then a week later they are cold and distant... I don't understand it... I think in my case she is defending herself from being convinced to come back to me...she feels what I feel but doesn't want to anymore...or at least thats what I'm telling myself. I have to stop thinking about how she feels as I risk finding out she is perfectly happy...and that would devastate me.. So, for now I focus on what I can do to make myself better...(working on my masters, going to the gym, hanging out with lots of people to make new friends) It could either A) Make me look even better to her and she will wish she never lost me...come running back to me; or B) I'll make myself so much better that I will be thankful that I don't have her as I can do so much better... Maybe not the best way to look at things but at least its getting me to focus on me for a change... Good luck my friend

[Chinook]

Hi Travis

 

I don't know what I was thinking but I broke contact again this evening. This is really hard because we share lots of mutual friends and I have backed out of virtually the whole of my social circle because I don't want my friends to have to choose between us both. It's a nightmare. But to give credit where it is due and I sincerely did not expect it. I tried to call him this evening to discuss another issue connected with one of those mutual friends. He replied with this..

 

""If a person doesn't pick up the phone on the second ring, it normally means they don't want to speak to you as I have not got the strength. You asked yesterday if it was over, yes it is. I cannot go back from this. B"

 

Two things about that statement - he doesn't want to talk to me, so obviously I can't push for it now. He's seeming like he too is tired and worn out with the way he feels - which implies that he hasn't gone breezily on his way and is kinda hurting also. I tried to see that message as being cold hearted but the 'I don't have the strength' doesn't say that to me.

 

The second thing is - it's clear that the message is that it really is over. There really is nothing more to say. It's over and there's no going back. It hurts quite a lot. But the certainty and finality of that statement is also the closure that I needed to let go. Hard as that is. I guess things will ebb and flow in the next few days and weeks and I'll have hard days and easy ones. But I've decided to keep that one SMS in my phone. To remind me on the days that the hope rises too high that things will not change and we're not going back now. I hate the idea that he will allow me to walk into the sunset never to speak to each other again. I can't bear that thought, but it looks like it's going to happen no matter how much I don't want it to.

 

I have no real doubts or reason now to break no contact again.

[Travis L]

Hi Chinook -

 

From your post I take away that this revelation is both a relief and deeply saddening. It must be a relief to know that there is nothing you can do right now to change the situation. There are no words that will help the situation and contacting him will only make it worse...right now. You now know the only path from here is to not contact him until he contacts you.

 

At the same time it must be saddening to know that the possibility of reconciliation is out of your control(if that is even what you want). I am facing the problem of coming to terms with the fact that trying to make her fix the problems that we had will only push her further from me.

 

The only hope for reconciliation lies within her(in my case). My only chance of fixing us is by not trying to fix us and simply showing her all of my love...no convincing...no pressure...no negativity...just my love... While time together will be up to her...it's up to me with regards to how I handle the situation. I cannot CHANGE her decision but only show her what she is missing out on by not being with me. Will it be enough? I have to tell myself that I will succeed or I will be so guarded that I will definitely fail. In the end, I face going directly back to day 1 but I will always regret the decision not to try.

 

For now, I will continue to improve myself. When the day comes that she contacts me, I will be ready. If she never contacts me, so be it. Eventually, the hope that she will call will fade from my conscious thoughts. I think everyone has to decide whether or not getting the ex back is truly what they want...is it the person or the loneliness that is influencing the sadness... For me right now, I want her back. I will remain open to future love interests but there will always be a special place in my heart for her. She is my 1st true love.

 

So, I will maintain NC until she contacts me. I hope you will do the same

[Trialbyfire]

For those of you doing NC, NC is not a way to get them back. If you do NC, you must be committed to leaving the other party behind from self-evolution. If you don't subscribe to this, either NC will fail or it can hurt you bitterly.

 

Warning:

Do not use NC as a powertool with your ex. It is intended for you to heal yourself and get strong enough to break free. After this, it's intended to give you room to continue building upon you as a person, to the point where you once again stand as a happy individual.

[funkybassplayer]

Warning:

Do not use NC as a powertool with your ex. It is intended for you to heal yourself and get strong enough to break free. After this, it's intended to give you room to continue building upon you as a person, to the point where you once again stand as a happy individual.

 

 

 

This is very true. Me ex and her 3 kids dumped me only 9 weeks ago, i miss them, but she got a new fella after a week at the most of our split. I have been doing the n/c for about 50 days, and in that time i know, she was not for me, and i would never go back to her. i do miss them, and hoping maybe 1 day we can be friends, but as the fog cleared i knew she has far too many issues and she needs to be on her own and be happy before she could have made me happy. thats what i know now, i was never really happy in the relationship, and it became sort of a habbit, and now i feel let down as she never really comited to me, and me not to her. She went from her hubby to me then to another guy. those poor kids!

[McFadden]

I don't get how to do it. I haven't actively persued a reconcilliation with my ex and I was only throwing the idea around once a few times, for less than a week. The rest of the six months, I have been:

 

- ignoring his attempts to contact me and deleting without even reading

 

- trying to block myself from thinking about him

 

- forcing myself to act normal and not letting myself isolate

 

- being busy, getting a new job

 

- making an entirely new circle of friends which doesn't involve my ex

 

- trying to date and form new relationships

 

- when things get really bad praying to whatever is out there

 

No matter how much success I have in other areas the ex is looming in the background along every step of the way. I realize that I need to accept that there is not going to be a reconcilliation, but that isn't the same as not wanting reconcilliation. How can I say I don't want my ex back when that's what I want? I try but it has no effect on how I feel. I think about how self centered and crazy he is, and I recognize that its not good but I still want him back in my heart.

 

I don't think its a thing that is conciously controlled. I think usually people fake it like me for a while and wake up one day to notice that they no longer are in love with thier ex, and think "oh phew, good." At least that's what many people told me happened to them (and less than 6 months after the relationship nonetheless.) It doesn't happen to me and I don't know why. Sorry for the long and only marginally on topic rant but I am getting sick of this, anyone would be after 6 months of it, I can't pinpoint why the hell its happening.

[funkybassplayer]

when my ex broke it off i wanted to be with her, but now i dont. i think its because i did'nt try to cover up my true emotions, and felt all the pain, and not tryed to block it out, maybe thats what people do wrong is try to cover up the underlying true emotions. by keeping busy etc. Its like as soon as you stop, wollop. i has a steady flow of emotion for about a month after the split, and i just let it happen, and now its dying down thank god, and im feeling better. Weather or not you want to get back with them i dont think makes a difference. You still have the same emotions.

[McFadden]

when my ex broke it off i wanted to be with her, but now i dont. i think its because i did'nt try to cover up my true emotions, and felt all the pain, and not tryed to block it out, maybe thats what people do wrong is try to cover up the underlying true emotions. by keeping busy etc. Its like as soon as you stop, wollop. i has a steady flow of emotion for about a month after the split, and i just let it happen, and now its dying down thank god, and im feeling better. Weather or not you want to get back with them i dont think makes a difference. You still have the same emotions.

 

So maybe I should just sulk and be depressed if I feel like it and try to let it all out? Which is exactly what I have not allowed myself to do, at least after the first couple days.

 

I don't know, its highly unorthodox at this point since it has been 6 months but there isn't a lot else I can do. I'm in a bad mood inside anyway. My newer relationship just ended and I realized that I didn't even care because it was just a brief interruption from my thoughts about my ex, this is how bad it is.

[Travis L]

For those of you doing NC, NC is not a way to get them back. If you do NC, you must be committed to leaving the other party behind from self-evolution. If you don't subscribe to this, either NC will fail or it can hurt you bitterly.

 

Warning:

Do not use NC as a powertool with your ex. It is intended for you to heal yourself and get strong enough to break free. After this, it's intended to give you room to continue building upon you as a person, to the point where you once again stand as a happy individual.

 

Please excuse my newness to this website but maybe I haven't seen what NC is all about if you are saying that "no contact" cannot be used as a means of giving the other person space. I suppose I am in the wrong area as I should be in 2nd chances... As someone who is learning to be less controlling (the main reason we broke up) and giving her all the space she needs, I am maintaining No Contact until she initiates. Eventually, with the option of not contacting her on the table either A) She will make contact and we will go from there; or B) She never contacts and the hope eventually fades...leading to the occasional nostalgia as opposed to pain...

 

I am not using this as a powertool but rather as a means of giving her the space she has requested... The ball is in her court type of thing. Maybe you weren't referring to my post but hopefully I have cleared myself up.

 

So, are you proposing that I contact her to get her back? Or, are you just making it clear that NC in coping is more for those looking to move on and heal?

 

Thanks ~ Newbie

[funkybassplayer]

MAcffad,

 

Thats what worked for me, and being honest with yourself too. For the first month i called text, and felt crap, then i just sent all her stuff back, and not spoke to her for about 50 days now. I feel so much better and clear inside as to what i want, and i think you have to without a dought be on your own after a split, to re group as it were. I was crying at all crap times, at gigs and stuff, but now im better. Think of it like a spot, if any of the the pus stays in (emotions) the spot will always erupt, but if all the crap comes out, it will heal over and look fresh again. Thats what we have to do, let the crap out, on our own, dont involve the ex, and you will heal.....It worked for me.

 

Travis

 

Give her the space she wants, but forget about her coming back, unless she does, so by doing the no contact thing, it will give you that chance to regroup yourself in prep for the next few months, and relationship.

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

I myself know I will get on with my life in one way or the other... the thing that I think hurt me the most, is realizing: that even if one day in the distant future she grows and changes and is ready for commitment, right now I couldnt take her back.

I know from mutual friends, from knowing her too well, etc. that she will likely try coming back to me at the end of the summer, but I know I shouldnt take her back, despite the Ataris "Boys of summer" song.

I smell itcoming, and this will require more strength than anything in my life ever has, to tell my dream girl, deepest love, former fiance, that I dont want her, even if I say just for right now. Maybe she will grow in time, but i have a feeling she will try coming back, realizing what she lost, long before i am ready, and long before she is worth the risk of a second chance. I take care of myself, I am realizing i was happy and content before her, but I do know i havent moved on yet, I havent gotten over her. A girl started kissing on me days ago and I nearly threw up after I had dropped her back off at home, feeling that itwas wrong somehow, or as if i was cheating on my true love....

Getting over someone I think doesntmean you decide you never really loved them or they lied when they said they were ready to marry or the such, I think its a matter of accepting that life doesnt always follow a script, and that to keep living you have to learn to adjust to change.

I have to admit soemtimes it feels as if it would be easier to deal with a death than a breakup, because atleast then theres an end to the mourning, you know theres never gonna be a second chance, that even if you keep the flame burning in your heart, you must move forward, you must keep living.

If a dumper did love you, ifyou still lovethem, then perhaps the best thing is to take care ofyourself, if nothing else honor the memory just the same as if they had died, and make sure you'll be ok and happy. Even if the person you were with seems to have died to you though they go on in life finding new things, etc, you can live up to what that person thought you were, liveup to the person you wishedto be, think of the person you were with as a memory, a person that nolonger exists even if their body and a name continues to live....

I dunno, its late at night, someone tell me if this makes any sense or if im just screwing myself over.

[funkybassplayer]

compleat sense, you cant move forward until you let go of the dream, it doesnt matter what the other person thinks, its up to us to heal ourselves and move forward. as i said before on this tread, its being honest with yourself. I have been through a close death, and it is easier to deal with, but not in the long term, they will be in your memory for life every single day.

[McFadden]

Thats what worked for me, and being honest with yourself too. For the first month i called text, and felt crap, then i just sent all her stuff back, and not spoke to her for about 50 days now. I feel so much better and clear inside as to what i want, and i think you have to without a dought be on your own after a split, to re group as it were. I was crying at all crap times, at gigs and stuff, but now im better. Think of it like a spot, if all the pus stays in (emotions) the spot will always erupt, but if all the crap comes out, it will heal over and look fresh again. Thats what we have to do, let the crap out, on our own, dont involve the ex, and you will heal.....It worked for me.

 

I guess this could be my problem. I don't really cry and stuff or talk to people I know about it so besides on LS, I don't do anything to express my negative feelings. I'm not in control of thoughts about the situation, it constantly starts to pop up and I mentally block the thought from materializing. Its like its haunting me or something. I'm going to go with your plan and think about it whenever I feel like it, and be upset if I feel like. Maybe bread out the old records and deoderant spray. I know its highly unorthodox to go through the "mourning" after 6 months but maybe its the step that I missed? Thanks for the advice..for some reason I always felt like that's something I shouldn't do but I am so desperate to wrap up this situation I'm trying anything at this point, even following LS advice. (Jk.)

 

Sorry for rambling on and on about myself in an inappropriate thread..I just didn't feel like starting yet another thread rehashing the same thing, since I've practically been told not to.

[funkybassplayer]

If you go one to the next, youll never find yourself, and will end up bitter and sad. U have to feel what you feel, its not weak, its strong. Only people with guts have the strenth to feel this crap, and then move forward. The ones that dont are never truly happy people, even if they make out they are. Leave em to it, and worry about no1.

[McFadden]

TMTG, that was very eloquent what you wrote especially that last part. Sometimes I feel like that, the person you were in a relationship with no longer exists in a sense because now they have a different life without you.