You WILL get over HIM/HER

[TooMuchTheGentleman]

I was a pall bearer for my grandmother the other day, and the only thing my grandfather said to me as he sat staring at her in the casket was "Its just very very sad, after being together almost 60 years then its gone in an instant" then told my lil sis later that he would be ok in a few weeks...

 

Thats more than 100 times than the time I had with my exfiance, and if he can make it, I know I can. Thats what has me thinking that I should handle it the same as though she died in a sense... I mean i do know when I took her on our last trip, I left with my fiance, but she never came back with me, someone else was in the car with me.

 

If its just a memory you can learn from it, grow, honor it. I think thats one reason NC works for some people, making the person just a memory instead of sitting in pain wondering if theyll come back or call or the such.

 

If they come back, its never the same person, theyve grown or changed, and likewise you have. If you get a second chance, it really is a fresh start if you have become a new person and they have as well.

 

If you like me hold on to an anticipation that they will realize what they lost or the such and come back, then strip off the old and become a new person, reborn from your own ashes, stronger than before, and perhaps things will be different this time if you also are different.

 

If you have accepted that the past is something that lives only in memory, then it should be easier to become a new entity, something stronger and more beautiful than you were before, something truly new that the world has never seen.

 

Above all else, I have figured out that stayin the same person that was in the relationship will mean you still feel a loss, being a person that was deticated to something that exists no longer. Whereas becoming something new and fresh means that you are whole in yourself and will be happy just to exist, and thereby the world will provide anything you truly seek, but only in the future, never the past.

[funkybassplayer]

I dumpd my ex first time around, i belive that once you split, thats it, theres no going back, and if you do it will be for a few months, as we were. i said to her, you should have let me walk away the first time. You will be fine, as i will be, and we will be better people, because, we have the guts to be on our own, and face life's crap times on our own, and then come out the other side, ready to be with someone new.

[Trialbyfire]

Please excuse my newness to this website but maybe I haven't seen what NC is all about if you are saying that "no contact" cannot be used as a means of giving the other person space. I suppose I am in the wrong area as I should be in 2nd chances... As someone who is learning to be less controlling (the main reason we broke up) and giving her all the space she needs, I am maintaining No Contact until she initiates. Eventually, with the option of not contacting her on the table either A) She will make contact and we will go from there; or B) She never contacts and the hope eventually fades...leading to the occasional nostalgia as opposed to pain...

 

I am not using this as a powertool but rather as a means of giving her the space she has requested... The ball is in her court type of thing. Maybe you weren't referring to my post but hopefully I have cleared myself up.

 

So, are you proposing that I contact her to get her back? Or, are you just making it clear that NC in coping is more for those looking to move on and heal?

 

Thanks ~ Newbie

NC is more of a coping techique. It's realizing that it's time to move on. In hanging on to hope, you will continually cycle through wanting her back. You haven't let go yet. Part of NC is constantly saying to yourself that she's gone and now I need to let her go. If it helps, everytime she comes to mind, say to yourself, let her go and suppress any thoughts of her. Some people use negative thoughts of their ex, in order to suppress that hope.

 

Consider NC the cold turkey method of setting yourself free. Your ex is an ex for a reason(s). Don't hang onto someone who doesn't want to be with you. If they did, they would be with you now.

 

Another form of coping which isn't as dramatic as NC is LC or low contact. It can either be used to wean yourself off of your addiction or as a method of getting back. It's a much slower way of getting to the end result, if you're trying to move on. Not everyone can or wants to handle the shock of NC.

 

fbp, good for you. It sounds like you've discovered what real NC is.

 

McFadden, there is a mourning period. This is a period where you let all your emotions out, feel them, be angry, feel the pain, everything. The more you allow yourself to feel during this period, the easier it will be later. Never repress or suppress during this mourning period. Until you've let it all out, of course it's going to reoccur. Having said that, you also need to kick yourself in the arse and drag yourself from the miasma within a reasonable length of time. A couple of days, in my opinion, isn't long enough to run the course it needs.

[eternalblue]

Once I realised that there just wasn't a second chance, I found I was able to move on easier because I wasn't holding back, hoping for something that just wasn't going to happen.

 

 

I needed that push too... a reality check, if you will. I think moving on will now be possible.

[9Lives]

So maybe I should just sulk and be depressed if I feel like it and try to let it all out? Which is exactly what I have not allowed myself to do, at least after the first couple days.

 

I don't know, its highly unorthodox at this point since it has been 6 months but there isn't a lot else I can do. I'm in a bad mood inside anyway. My newer relationship just ended and I realized that I didn't even care because it was just a brief interruption from my thoughts about my ex, this is how bad it is.

 

 

Yeah it is best to let it out even though, it feels like HELL. Sooner or later you have to face it. I have been doing it for 9 days..NC. I could puke!! But it is better than contacting him and degrading myself and all that mess. He has alot of power to hurt my feelings and put me in a bad bad bad mood for days and days, experience crying bouts at random, and then have to turn around and work days on end to try to get my mind right. So I am not doing no where near him. It is killing me but would kill me more to see him all happy with me and I am dying. you know what I mean

[CaliGuy]

Hi guys, It's been a while since i've been on LS, but boy, LS had helped me in ways unimaginable.

 

I, like you guys were battered, and for about a year, I was depressed, saddened by all the lost memories, and recalled on the times I spent with my ex. But things DO get better, and how do I know this? I've been down that road before. Everyone here on LS is either down that road before or walking the walk with you guys, so we do know what we're talking about , hehe.

 

Anyway, I'm not going to tell you how or why to get over that significant other, but, I will tell you that we do need our time to mourn, but once that mourning period is up, it's time to start our lives again. Believe me, there are LOTS AND LOTS OF OTHERS OUT THERE, you just have to open up. I didn't really started talking to other girls until 3 months ago.... and within the last 3 months, I've met some WONDERFUL gals who were 100000x better than my ex, so yea, I sorta regret waiting, but hey, mourning is mourning .

 

And why didn't I find those gals? I was too depressed and was always thinking about my ex. Give yourself a chance, and give your love life another chance. Don't worry, you'll live

 

-BatteredByLove

 

Too many people miss Mr or Mrs Right because they're still chasing Mr or Mrs Wrong.

 

It's not until they learn to let go and move on do they realize how their suffering was self-inflicted and they could have healed much sooner.

[number2]

Isn't it wierd how out of all the emotions that a human can feel, and while the intensity can vary greatly, the feeling you experience after breaking away from the one you love is almost spiritual?

 

I definitely have to go with TMGM about having to deal with the loss like it was a death. I think it's the right thing to do because if you truly want to do NC you have to treat the situation like there will never again be a chance of reconcilation (and in many of our cases their isn't). This is my second long term relationship break up. It's not as painful as the first, but it's definitely taking a toll on my life. I sleep all day, constantly think of her, wonder how she can start talking to the guy I hated the second we broke up, etc. AND I WAS THE ONE WHO DUMPED HER!

 

This is Day 10 of NC and it's been ****ing hell. I feel like I constantly have to check her myspace/facebook, look for her on MSN, etc -- but I know its the wrong thing to do so i've been sticking to my guns and really been good about it all. Every time I feel at my worst I come here and read posts. It makes me a feel a hell of a lot better. I sometimes feel guilty that I feel better knowing that other people are experiencing the same thing, but I know I feel better because we are all going through it together.

 

After my first long term relationship (4.5 years) -- I was cheated on, dumped, and then she moved 160 miles away to be with the guy she cheated on me with. Not only that, but they were engaged before I was even dumped. I was a ****ing train-wreck... but who wouldn't be I guess. This time around, it was different, less traumatic, but at the same time, it's been almost just as hard. I had a motive to get over first girl because what she did to me was totally messed up, but this time its hard because she didn't really screw over the relationship, I just wasn't happy with it and ended it.

 

Goodluck to the rest of you doing NC, keep to it and you'll be a lot happier in the end.

[CaliGuy]

After my first long term relationship (4.5 years) -- I was cheated on, dumped, and then she moved 160 miles away to be with the guy she cheated on me with. Not only that, but they were engaged before I was even dumped. I was a ****ing train-wreck... but who wouldn't be I guess. This time around, it was different, less traumatic, but at the same time, it's been almost just as hard. I had a motive to get over first girl because what she did to me was totally messed up, but this time its hard because she didn't really screw over the relationship, I just wasn't happy with it and ended it.

 

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy." by Glover? If not that may be a book you want to read. Not saying you need it, but it couldn't hurt.

[9Lives]

This is Day 10 of NC and it's been ****ing hell. I feel like I constantly have to check her myspace/facebook, look for her on MSN, etc -- but I know its the wrong thing to do so i've been sticking to my guns and really been good about it all. Every time I feel at my worst I come here and read posts. It makes me a feel a hell of a lot better. I sometimes feel guilty that I feel better knowing that other people are experiencing the same thing, but I know I feel better because we are all going through it together.

 

.

 

yeah I can relate to the feeling of NC(9 days). It sucks like a motherfker. We have never went more that 2 weeks but for some reason I dont think I will ever hear from him again. Which is good and bad. I miss him very badly. Today I cried about it.

 

I do the same thing when it gets to be too much...I come to LS. Truthfully....I LIVE on LS. I have nowhere else to turn to. It is good to talk to other people who can relate to your pain and anguish. Friends dont have the time or energy to ride the whole thing out with you. My family does not understand what I am going thru and Thank God for this site. It lets me know I am human. It tells me he is too even if he acts like he is soooo tough. He feels my absence just like I feel his. But I am NOT breaking NC. I learned from the people on this site that THAT is not a good thing to do. Especially if you are still hurt and weak. You can get blown away again. WHO NEEDS THAT!!! Not me. I like the mystery of being able to suffer by myself with out him knowing how bad I am doing. Trust me, I am suffering badly.

[number2]

yeah I can relate to the feeling of NC(9 days). It sucks like a motherfker. We have never went more that 2 weeks but for some reason I dont think I will ever hear from him again. Which is good and bad. I miss him very badly. Today I cried about it.

 

I do the same thing when it gets to be too much...I come to LS. Truthfully....I LIVE on LS. I have nowhere else to turn to. It is good to talk to other people who can relate to your pain and anguish. Friends dont have the time or energy to ride the whole thing out with you. My family does not understand what I am going thru and Thank God for this site. It lets me know I am human. It tells me he is too even if he acts like he is soooo tough. He feels my absence just like I feel his. But I am NOT breaking NC. I learned from the people on this site that THAT is not a good thing to do. Especially if you are still hurt and weak. You can get blown away again. WHO NEEDS THAT!!! Not me. I like the mystery of being able to suffer by myself with out him knowing how bad I am doing. Trust me, I am suffering badly.

 

Trust me, it'll get better. I've been through this before and it's really hard for me to think: i've gotten through this before, i'll get through it again -- but i'm definitely having a hard time keeping that thought in place. We lived together and after we broke up I moved back home to my parents while I get things straightened out and i'm having a hard time keeping busy. I've been looking for work the past week so hopefully something comes through soon, but during downtime I find myself dwelling way to much on the matter. Keep strong!! We'll get through this together.

[funkybassplayer]

You know its quite amazing, its like a broken ankle (had that too) after the first 3 weeks, everyday it gets better, you get stronger, and you dont even think about the why's so much. Im on week 5 of n/c. At first i missed her and the kids so much, and was not allowed contact as she got into a new relationship almost the day we broke - up. now i feel proud and strong, and not a grovling idiot. The change happened when i sent her stuff back, then from then, i have not been in contact. At first i thought did she miss me, but now i dont care one way or the other, and im thinking about myself now, ie selling the house, new porshe(whoopie) and bank the rest! Big changes but its all for me, and im not selling to buy out this selfish womans ex hubby from his share of the house who she would not divorce! Trust me i was a reck a month ago, crying and stuff and misreble, but things do get better, you have to be strong and have no contact what so ever. The hardest days were thurs/fri cos i know like me she would be at home and its so easy to call or check msn, but i stay off both. I guess there is a little side affect and that is the ex knows your getting on with out them, and you should feel proud of yourself for that. I do miss them still, but im not an emotional time bomb............at all

 

NO CONTACT............WAY TO GO.

[number2]

i can't help but applaud the way you are moving on (funkybassplayer). I couldn't imagine your situation (with losing contact with the kids and all). Thats a whole element i've never had to deal with and i'm happy that youre moving forward. It really gives the rest of us hope.

[funkybassplayer]

You know the funny thing, i dont work during the week, so had nothing to take my mind of it, mates at work, and im living in an area where i know no one to hang out with, but i did have the chance to sulk, cry, get angry whenever i felt like it. All this keep busy stuff i feel would'nt have helped me because i needed to sulk as and when. Now i know she was not right for me, but still have the odd hour but i know this very soon passes. The main thing is now i dont wake up with the little girl in my (her youngest) or her in my thoughts. If i can do it, anyone can.

[number2]

funkybassplayer, people like you are the reason this site is such a sucess, thanks a lot man. your words help so much.

[funkybassplayer]

Thanks alot man, that means alot. Trust me after the first 3 weeks you will feel a whole lot better, and anything you said or did wont really be important anymore, it becomes about just you, and you will be proud of yourself too. Dont worry about the weak moments, they will come and go. If you give in you'll be at square 1 again. Just feel what you have to, dont worry about tears, or anger or guilt emotions, its the bodys way of getting out the stress, let it come, its the way we heal. At leat we can say we have gone through it without bottling up this crap inside and dragging it from relationship to relationship.

[Chinook]

Thanks alot man, that means alot. Trust me after the first 3 weeks you will feel a whole lot better, and anything you said or did wont really be important anymore, it becomes about just you, and you will be proud of yourself too. Dont worry about the weak moments, they will come and go. If you give in you'll be at square 1 again. Just feel what you have to, dont worry about tears, or anger or guilt emotions, its the bodys way of getting out the stress, let it come, its the way we heal. At leat we can say we have gone through it without bottling up this crap inside and dragging it from relationship to relationship.

 

Wow! I read that in the 'Heal your broken heart' book (Paul Mckenna) only yesterday! It explained it a little more technically but basically it said the same thing... this is the body's way to heal, it hurts a lot to start with, then it hurts less... until eventually it doesn't hurt at all. To do that you go through what you have to go through. For me it's crying, talking and writing (and it seems helping others too).

[funkybassplayer]

Cool! i really didnt read that, its just what happend with me and how i felt it was natural for me to heal............cool! MAybe i can earn money doing this!!! Ha ha

[number2]

Feelin' better today. Stay strong and keep in there!!! 11 days and i'm going strong.

[funkybassplayer]

Well done, the no contact thing is starting to work, this time next week you'll be even better. Its a hard thing to do, but it works.

[Tormented]

Give yourself a chance, and give your love life another chance. Don't worry, you'll live :)QUOTE]

 

From one who's been there...I second that!

 

It will be a year in August that my ex and I split, although it doesn't seem that long ago. At the beginning of the breakup, I thought I was going to die from heart break...I truly did.

 

Now, one year later, I am feeling MUCH better. My ex is alone and miserable, from what I've been told, and in debt up to his eyeballs.

 

I, on the other hand, have recently met a great guy and life is once again good. I can smile and laugh...and actually MEAN it, whereas I use to have to force it in a desperate attempt to convince myself and others that I was happy. Now it's true...I AM happy.

 

My ex continues to randomly call me (just received one of those last Thrusday), in which he sits silently and then hangs up without saying anything. I suppose he's doing it to "test the water"...to see if I'll return his call. But I never do nor do I have any intention of doing so. For me, it's OVER and I've moved on to better things.

 

There really IS a light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel...I promise! Just stay the course and keep moving foward. Try not to look back nor step back because by doing so, it will take you longer to get through the other end.

 

Life will and DOES go on.

 

~T~

[BatteredByLove]

Sorry guys, my comp was out the past few days right after I posted lol . NC is a good tool to use, it's NOT a tool to get your ex back however. It is a TOOL for us to heal, so for those that are thinking NC is to get them back, please change your mindset, believe me... been there done that, and although it does work, odds are it's 1 in a million, hehhe.

 

Nice post tormented, yeah, I don't even care about what goes on with my ex anymore lol, for all I know, she is somewhere living her life and I don't even wanna bother thinking about it, a waste of my time anyway

 

Recently, I've met this WONDERFUL gal, and boy, do I hate myself for not giving myself a chance lol. This girl is like.. NOTHING compared to my ex, but we CLICKED which makes me kinda think lol, do I know the type of gal I want to date? Lol, o well, still young, gotta try new things .

 

But if you guys need someone to talk that has been battered SEVERELY to the point where I thought about suicide and has gotten back up and is like a BRAND new person that LOVES life, PM me , I'm willing to help .

 

-BatteredByLove