No sex before marriage

[Golfguy]

My fiancee and I have been living together for 3 yrs now. She is 39 I am 42, we have three children 14, 11 and 2. The older two are from her previous relationships. We have had a very rocky relationship from early on, however I proposed to her 1 1/2 years ago, to see if that would help get us on the right path, it did for a while. But the road is rocky again, and I am unsure of what path to take.

Three years ago, after about 6 months of dating and a very good sex life, she pushed for me to let her to move in with her two kids. I was very reluctant, because I wasnt over the last relasionship yet. I finally gave in after she said she would break it off unless we went to the next level. Within a few weeks she is pregnant, and with that pregnancy becomes distant and unloving towards me for the whole pregancy, and remains to this day. We have some terrible fights at times, and have seen a counsellor, we stopped going together because she said he was a waste of time, I think it was because he was siding with me. At one time when I brought up the fact that I disliked feeling alone and unloved, I became choked and emotional, and he said to her why dont you feel like putting your arms around him, she said that she had no desire to. I continued to see him, but she wanted for me to stop saying he was no good. He told me that I should not continue to be in a relationship like this for too long.

Up until a few months ago we had sex maybe every 6 weeks. Every once in a while she brings up the fact that she is not happy being not married. We rarely share the same bed (i do snore), and even if we are in the same bed she will not allow sex because she says no sex until marriage. I say that I want our relationship to improve before we get married, ie (sleep together and have sex, show affection for each other) and she says all this will happen after the legalities of marriage have taken place. There may be an underlying issue with her health, some blood work tests showed up some abnormalities. She has mentioned that she needed to change her will for who would look after the kids if she died. She made a remark that it would not be me since we were not married.

What do I make of all this? She is a good mother, and for most people is fun to be around, it just seems like for me there is a wall. Is it there because of a lack of committment like she says, or is it something else.

Your thoughts, thanks.

[riobikini]

GolfGuy -there's probably alot more going on inside her head than either one of us know.

 

But here's what I think: I think that -whenever she throws in the "not enough commitment" issue- you should remind her (right quick!) how it was *she* who pushed, and pushed until she got herself and her kids all moved into *your* house (never mentioning "commitment" even once, btw) -and then jumped into bed with you and wound up pregnant (interesting turnout.)

 

Again, with no mention of anything remotely sounding like "commitment".

 

I swear! -so help me God- I would not be able to resist bringing *that* up to her when she starts banging on the "I wanna commitment" drum!

 

And -don't forget: ask *her* what she's committed to -does she love you? Is she saying it? Do you think she means it? What's she doing to display it, or make you believe it?

 

You're gonna have to ask *yourself* some of the hard questions so you know where you really stand before you've even got a snowball's chance in dealing with her.

 

To be honest with you -and just going by the info you give in your original post- you really sound like a nice guy, a decent guy, and I think she may have been just looking for a nice guy to latch onto to help her raise her kids and pay all the bills.

 

Sorry -but that's the impression I'm getting.

 

Hope I'm wrong.

 

-Rio

[Touche]

I think Rio has it right. And what kind of nonsense is this about no sex before marriage? She's not only already had sex with you but she gave birth to your child for heaven's sakes! It's bull. I think she's using you too. I'd get a lawyer to iron out a custody agreement and send her on her way. It's sad though. There are kids involved but I can almost guarantee a divorce within 5 years if you marry this woman.

 

If my H broke down in front of me, no matter what the reason, I'd be there to comfort him. And I was the same way before we got married. A marriage certificate doesn't suddenly change someone's character.

 

A nice guy like you can certainly do better than this.

[tanbark813]

she pushed for me to let her to move in with her two kids.

 

she said she would break it off unless we went to the next level.

 

Every once in a while she brings up the fact that she is not happy being not married.

 

she will not allow sex because she says no sex until marriage.

 

She has mentioned that she needed to change her will for who would look after the kids if she died. She made a remark that it would not be me since we were not married.

 

I agree with Rio. It really sounds like she's just looking for some chump to cover her bills and future welfare of her kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

While many people use sex as a weapon in a relationship, few draw that gun as quickly as your GF. No sex until you're married? In that case, marriage would be a chance to get screwed twice...

 

Mr. Lucky

[luvstarved]

I think the other posters MAY well have nailed it but I would like to offer a slightly different perspective.

 

You say she is a good mother and others find her fun to be around. That's a good sign.

 

But she pushed you to live together and now doesn't seem to want to rest until you are married. She might just be looking for a meal ticket but I also want you to consider the possibility that she is just mad insecure and does not know how to properly communicate with you. That's a bad sign.

 

But it doesn't mean she is a bad person. It does mean that you have a rocky road probably leading to divorce if you marry her under these conditions, though.

 

I would tell her that you have no intention of entering into a marriage that was coerced using sex and affection as weapons. You have no desire to have an intimate relationship based on threats and manipulation. You two at best need counseling in order to learn how to voice your own needs and listen to the other's needs and negotiate how those will be met working as a team.

 

You need counseling. If she does not like the counselor you are seeing, then find someone with whom you both have rapport. I don't recommend picking one blindly from a phone book...my H and I went to three different counselors that we picked more or less like that but it was not until we looked for one that had a website (explaining their philosophy and approach) and found one we both thought would be good that we were able to make any meaningful progress. My H would always bail with "they are taking your side and being unprofessional" etc when spotlight went to him. This time, FINALLY, he opened up and listened.

 

I don't know whether your GF has good intentions. If she is not willing to open her heart in such a counseling scenario, then you might have to let this one go.

 

I do think you should give her a chance, but until you two are able to communicate lovingly and respectfully, there is no way you should get married.