zoidberg Posted July 2, 2007 Share Posted July 2, 2007 My wife and I are on the verge of divorce and part of what keeps me fighting to stay together is the fear that divorce will be horrible. We have two 3 month old babies that I love more than anything. Can anyone please reassure me that there can be life after divorce and that the end of the road is not the same as the end of the rope? Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Totally depends on what is leading to the divorce. I don't think it is a solution that should be taken lightly and should be an absolute last resort based on truly irreconcible differences. Because it is easy to forget, especially with two small babies, what brought you together in the first place, which presumably was love and mutual respect. Some people get married for the wrong reasons. One rule of thumb is, if you ever truly "had it" for each other, then you can get it back. If you never had it in the first place, chances are hanging in together won't give it to you. Whose idea is this? Your wife could be suffering from postpartum depression and who knows what else is going on. Even if not depressed, both of you are in a very stressful situation right now with two small babies and that's not a good atmosphere in which to make such humongous life decisions. It would be easier to comment on your situation if you gave more information. Best of luck in any case. My personal experience and talking to others is that there is definitely life after divorce, but the grass is not necessarily greener in the other pastures...if you ever truly loved your wife, I would advise you to keep working on it. Get counseling. Read the book "The New Rules of Marriage" or similar, depending on your particular situation. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Can anyone please reassure me that there can be life after divorce and that the end of the road is not the same as the end of the rope? Much easier after the divorce than during the rough marriage. Only exception is guys who don't want divorces when the wives do. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Can anyone please reassure me that there can be life after divorce and that the end of the road is not the same as the end of the rope? I going to assume that you have legitimate reasons for divorce and that you've explored all the alternatives (counseling, separation, mediation, etc.) That may be a big assumption . I've posted here before that looking at my then 3-yr old son in the rear-view mirror as I drove away on D-Day was the hardest thing I've ever done. And yet, long-term, for everyone concerned, it turned out to be the best thing. My Ex and I were better parents divorced than we were married. There was much less drama, anger, arguing and chaos in our son's life. We lived close to each other, shared custody and expense and always put our child first. He's now 28, a good man and engaged to be married himself. It takes much sacrifice and hard work, but there is life after divorce. Hang in there... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Krytellan Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Zoidberg, there is totally life after divorce. I have to admit I cringe at the idea of two 3 month old babies being involved, but nothing can be done about that. Once whomever the "taker" is in the divorce finishes draining the other one financially and emotionally, the sky DOES become blue again. And the new found freedom can be very liberating, if you like that kind of thing. I took the opportunity to move 2500 miles away, but I didn't have children to think about (just my cute doggies). Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Once whomever the "taker" is in the divorce finishes draining the other one financially and emotionally, the sky DOES become blue again. Not that I doubt this was Krytellan's experience, but not every divorce turns into a financial drain by a "taker." In our case, we sat down and agreed to a basic 50/50 split of stuff we acquired during the marriage, and there really wasn't any controversy in that realm. Now, some people may feel like a 50/50 split is "being taken", but when I was in the marriage, I thought everything was "ours", so I didn't change that just because I was looking for my pound of flesh... In our case, I believe we are achieving a "successful divorce," in your terms. I still believe that it would have been better for our children if we could have remained a whole family, and stayed the loving parents (I thought) we were 5 years ago. But given that the choice was not mine to make, I decided to keep my eye on the prize (what's best for the kids) and make it work. It takes both parties deciding to make the divorce "work" for it to go smoothly. Either side harboring anger, resentment, and/or a desire to strike back, can totally bring the whole thing down. On the other hand, you can give yourself the best shot at creating an environment conducive to cooperation by putting your best foot forward, leaving your ego at the door, swallowing your pride, and truly doing what is best for the kids. I recommend thinking of it like a business deal, where you don't have to be enemies, nor do you have to be good friends. You are partners, each with individual needs and goals, but also with a common incentive to work together, and not try to put one over on the other. And like Mr. Lucky, my comments here assume that you have already thoughtfully considered the options or otherwise somehow reached a conclusion that divorce is inevitable. If that's not the case - if you are still considering your options - I wouldn't allow the idea of a "good divorce" to be anything to push you in that direction, if you aren't already inexorably on that path. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Can anyone please reassure me that there can be life after divorce and that the end of the road is not the same as the end of the rope? ...even if it's civilized and amicable. It's still a failure and a loss no matter how the marriage was. That being said, there IS life after divorce and it can be better than anything that preceded it. At least that's been my experience. The ex did everything in her power to make things ugly and difficult, to include alienating my children from me. In the end, 13 years later, she's now destitute and having to live with one of our children and his wife. He's the only one of our five children she has a relationship with. They're all adults now and the other four avoid her. Two of them actively despise her. I have warm and wonderful relationships with all of them, their spouses and all my grandchildren. I've remarried to a wonderful woman and am happier, more financially secure and more successful since the divorce than I ever was before it. It all depends uppon what you make of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 3, 2007 Share Posted July 3, 2007 Divorce IS horrible... ...even if it's civilized and amicable. It's still a failure and a loss no matter how the marriage was. In spite of my rosy outlook above, I agree with this completely. The only way I would counsel you "yes, you can do it" is if you are already on the path and don't see anything turning you back... Link to post Share on other sites
Windwalker Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 With two 3-mth-old babies, I seriously doubt either of you is in a position to make many major life decisions with any sort of rationality. You're in the toughest part of parenting, IMHO. Don't know the situation exactly, but having a baby (let alone 2!) is totally scary and makes many of us want to run as far away as possible. Don't know about your marriage--some more details might help us help you--but parenting definitely gets betterer and betterer. Have you sought marriage counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
IWALH Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 With two 3-mth-old babies, I seriously doubt either of you is in a position to make many major life decisions with any sort of rationality. You're in the toughest part of parenting, IMHO. Don't know the situation exactly, but having a baby (let alone 2!) is totally scary and makes many of us want to run as far away as possible. Don't know about your marriage--some more details might help us help you--but parenting definitely gets betterer and betterer. Have you sought marriage counseling? Really, you think so? I thought parenting was a breeze when my little girl was a newborn/infant (and I am a single mother!). It's only now that she is entering toddlerhood that things are getting a bit more difficult. I love every aspect of parenting, though. I guess it's different for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 12, 2007 Share Posted July 12, 2007 Of course there's life after a divorce. But divorce IS horrible. And I didn't have two 3 month old babies that I was about to give up part of the time (or any children for that matter). So for you it will be that much worse in my opinion. To be honest I think it's really sad that you say this: part of what keeps me fighting to stay together is the fear that divorce will be horrible But yet in the same breath you can say THIS: We have two 3 month old babies that I love more than anything What's wrong with THAT picture? What should keep you fighting to stay together is the fear that you'll lose full-time fatherhood with these babies that you claim to love more than anything...not your fear of divorce. And what about your wife? Are things truly THAT bad that you can walk away from the commitment you made? I mean a year ago you made the decision to have a child/ren with this woman. What could have gone SO wrong in one year that you can consider walking away from her and the two infants that you both brought into this world? Link to post Share on other sites
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