Trapped.

[ARDriver01]

I've left different post before about my wife. She's been diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I've been hurt by her consistently, weekly, for almost two years. Affairs, inapropriate behavior, inapropriate comments and discussions (Ex-boyfriends, sexual experiences before me, digging up painful experiences), verbal abuse, occasional pushing and grabbing for little or no reason, lying, manipulation and all around crazy making.

 

She's really, really sick. She was admitted to the psych hospital in our local hospital for a week and a half after drinking too much and not taking her meds. She had a total psychotic episode, couldn't stop repeating herself and rocking back and forth so I called the paramedics. She lied about her feelings and she's out now and back at home.

 

We went to her sisters house on the beach last night to relax and be loose. She drank and became hostile almost instantly. No you can't stop her from drinking. Trust me. She argued with her sister kept talking about weight and fat and calories and purging. Spilt a bunch a drinks and salsa after hitting the table. I kinda lost my cool. I got up and grabbed some paper towels after calling her a hassel. I came back and she started slurring at me to give her the car keys and I said, "f*ck you, your not driving anywhere". and she bitch slapped me accross the face.

 

I don't have too many good feelings for her after that. We came home, no apologies, more ranting, blaming me for stuff. The parents were calling all night trying to get her back to the hospital and stuff and I just told her to go to bed right now or I'll call the hospital. I just wanted to sleep. So that I could get up at 5:30am and function at work.

 

I think they're going to put her back today... Anyway, I don't think I can leave her. If I do, I'm held responsible for whatever happens. I'm stuck. I feel really bad for her and I do care what happens to her but she's gone to me. I don't know this person. There is no personality anymore. It's all sick talk and obsession and negative repetition. She's totally gone. That's not coming from discontent, it's a fact.

 

She wont sleep. She keeps getting up to go to the bathroom to cut herself, and I've resorted to the demanding tone of a nurse telling her "Lay down! Where are you going! What are you doing! Stay were I can see you!" and stuff like that. She'll keep getting up impulsively from the couch, I tell her to lay down and she doesn't get mad. She knows what she has to do. She's a patient, no longer my lovely wife. Any ideas????????????????????????????????????

[michelangelo]

If she is mentally ill and trying to harm herself, you MUST get her committed to a mental hospital. It is your obligation to your wife!

 

This is not something you can wait on and not something you can pass off to someone else to handle.

 

You may have no feelings for her at this point, but so what.

 

She is ill and not in the right frame of mind anymore. If she broke her leg would you leave her lying there? I don't think so.

 

Her troubles are with her brain, not her leg, so it seems different. It is not.

 

Help your wife.

[zoidberg]

Boy does what you've said resonate with me. I have not been perfect as a husband, but my wife amplifies every bad thing I do and assigns a malicious intention to my stupidities that was never there. When she drinks she becomes so incredibly hateful. Last night she said she would never talk to my Mom again, and then said well, maybe after she's dead she might go talk to her at her gravesite. I know I've hurt her by some of the things I have said and done, and some of the things I have left unsaid and have not done. But There is no shred of civility in the way she has been behaving toward me lately. I don't know exactly why, but I am desperate to try to placate her and get back in her good graces. Do I love her or am I codependent? Is she mentally ill or am I really a "sick f**k" as she repeatedly says I am?

 

I feel for you and think I know very much where you are coming from. Jut try to maintain your hold on reality and don't get sucked too far into her bizarro-world.

[Woggle]

Why are you still with her?

[ARDriver01]

I have my mother in-law going over to our apt with the paramedics right now. She was'nt supposed to get out yesterday. She had a court order to stay for 12 more days or longer. Somone dropped the ball at the hospital.

 

So... to answer the first comment; I've been taking care of my wife for three years and doing a the very best I can possibly do with finding doctors and researching her disorder and talking to her the right way. I just get beat down in every sense of the word.

 

What can do to help myself? I can't leave her because I'm responsible for what happens to her. I'm like her legal guardian. I think it actually might be illegal for me to leave her on the grounds of negligence. I had no idea this is what would happen to my life. What can I do for myself?

[quankanne]

woggle's question seems cruel, but he's got a point: Why do you feel compelled to remain in a relationship that's killing you emotionally and spiritually? It's admirable that you've stood up for your marriage the way you have, and that you've cared so long for someone in the throes of a emotional and psychological meltdown, but it is your wife's responsibility to heal. Period.

 

when someone acts as blantantly selfish as you've described, and you – out of love and commitment – do your best to get them the help they need, there comes a point where their behavior starts becoming unhealthy FOR YOU, because it destroys you. And while marriage is definitely about commitment and caring, and love means seeing someone through a bad patch, it doesn't mean you must kill yourself in the process.

 

do you have a spiritual advisor you can kick these things over with? Someone with a good background in counselling who also understands a person's psychological needs? Speak to that person about your moral obligations to a spouse who is on a fast-track to destruction ... because legally, I believe you have grounds for divorce, considering your wife has not and is not doing anything to help herself or save her marriage.

 

her behavior is like a cancer to your psyche, and to your marriage … at what point will you say "I will not allow this to spread anymore because it is not healthy"?

 

sometimes love means distancing yourself from someone as self-destructive as she. While you remain committed to your vows of marriage in wanting to get her help, know that as long as she refuses to take control of this runaway train of her life, she is as equally determine to break those vows she made when she married you because she is doing her best to deny you a healthy marriage.

 

there is no simple answer here, I know that, but like I pointed out, her willingness to continue as she is, rather than seek professional help, is like a cancer threatening to destroy you and your relationship.

[michelangelo]

I want to clarify something. I am not suggesting you stay with her and be hit, verbally abused, etc.

 

What I am suggesting is that how she is behaving is NOT the behavior of someone capable by herself to change it. She is mentally ill. she needs treatment and has the kind of illness where her free choices in the matter are flawed and hostile.

 

You don't have to be the brunt of that hostility, but i think you owe it to her to find the correct health providers who can treat her problems.

 

Gaining a good understanding of what ails her is paramount to fixing it and avoiding hostilities between the two of you.

 

She cannot do this by herself. She doesn't even think there is anything wrong with herself.

[Darth Vader]

I have my mother in-law going over to our apt with the paramedics right now. She was'nt supposed to get out yesterday. She had a court order to stay for 12 more days or longer. Somone dropped the ball at the hospital.

 

So... to answer the first comment; I've been taking care of my wife for three years and doing a the very best I can possibly do with finding doctors and researching her disorder and talking to her the right way. I just get beat down in every sense of the word.

 

What can do to help myself? I can't leave her because I'm responsible for what happens to her. I'm like her legal guardian. I think it actually might be illegal for me to leave her on the grounds of negligence. I had no idea this is what would happen to my life. What can I do for myself?

 

 

Why not get her permanantly committed to the mental hospital, I'm serious about this. When you have done that contact a lawyer, and find out about the legal ramifications about divorcing your wife because she is mentally Ill, they've got to have something on the books. Make sure that you protect yourself financially, and your home. Some lawyers have free a consoltation. If you don't do something for yourself to get out of this horrible marriage, if you want to call it a marriage, you will start to self-destruct yourself. We're here for ya MAN!:bunny::bunny:

[Kislette]

If you're only not leaving because you're concerned about being held legally responsible if something happens to her, you should talk to a lawyer about getting a legal separation. A lawyer can explain to you whether or not you'd really be held liable if she hurts herself. If you really care about her you can continue to try to look out for her while living in a separate residence (like her mother is doing). Also, you should be able to call the police and have her commited to the hospital on an emergency protective order when she is actively trying to hurt herself. In that situation she needs to be supervised by psychiatric professionals - doing it yourself is just too hard.

[Windwalker]

This is a really bad, tragic situation. There are some people who are so sick/incapacitated that they cannot help themselves. It sounds like she could choose not to drink and did anyway.

 

I don't know about borderline personality disorder. I watched my parents' marriage of 40+ years disintegrate when one of them got a brain tumor and with it, a change in personality where it was impossible to know what they could and could not be held responsible for. It is a sad, sad situation.

 

Yes, you vowed to care for one another in sickness and in health, but if the other is going to kill your spirit (or you), you can't let them and have to walk away, caring for them as best you can.

 

Sorry this is happening to you.

[jmargel]

What is causing her behavior? I am sure you didn't marry her while she was this way.

 

You really need to find out the reason WHY this is happening, not just concentrating on what she is doing to you. I would definetly look into finding some neurologists to examine her. Putting her in a mental hospital will not help/cure her.

[ritamae]

Let her parents handle it. They have been dealing with it for many years, I am sure. They know way more than you do.

 

She needs major counseling and medications.

[happyfish]

What is causing her behavior? I am sure you didn't marry her while she was this way.

 

You really need to find out the reason WHY this is happening, not just concentrating on what she is doing to you.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is what is causing her behavior. Everything in his post is typical of a Borderline patient.

 

Why it is happening is because while growing up she was taught wrong (or not at all) or experienced some trauma and this dysfunctional way of learning to deal with wrongs has left her with the mental capabilities of a newborn when it comes to understanding good and bad, acceptable and unacceptable.

 

Picture her thinking in the forms of Black or White. Regular adults go from Black to a multitude of shades of grey to white. With her you are either a Hero or a Villan. She cannot see the taint in a Hero, nor the even a smidge of good in a Villan. She looked at him as a Hero, idolized him, put him before everything in her life. Then when he shows any default or normal flaw its a SNAP switch to him being the villan where she will demean, devalue and look at him with pure hatred and disgust. She can go between Black and White very easily, but she can never see the greys. Its easy for anyone who doesn't have their self esteem fully in tact to find a Borderline patient absolutely alluring because the BPD patient is just THAT good at blame shifting. They really are quite a smart breed, excellent at what they do. Monsters to their victims.

 

Let her parents handle it. They have been dealing with it for many years, I am sure. They know way more than you do.

Her parents are more then likely the reason for her mental state. Borderline personality disorder is not something you are born with.

 

She needs major counseling and medications.

She needs Therapy. More specifically Cognative Behavioral Therapy. Some medications may ease the symptoms but unfortunately none will 'cure' her longterm.

 

I've been taking care of my wife for three years and doing a the very best I can possibly do with finding doctors and researching her disorder and talking to her the right way. I just get beat down in every sense of the word.

Borderlines are the absolute most exhausting of mental illnesses to treat. Its the mental illness that drive even some great therapists to feel inadequate and frustrated with their patients. They require special attention, special ways of reacting to them and special ways of talking to them if they are to remain civil and (hopefully) get better.

 

Your wife is acting out of fear and emptiness, its all she can do to stop herself from going mad to cling to whatever she can (alcohol, affairs) to fill the void she feels constantly. She will do ANYTHING to make herself feel better RIGHT NOW. Think: Child throwing a tantrum for candy. Its the same deal, and she can't stop herself from reacting that way. Borderlines experience an emptiness inside that they can not fill. Its a horrid, wrenching feeling of constant need.

 

I can't leave her because I'm responsible for what happens to her.

Deep inside her is an intense Fear of Abandonment. Undoubtfully over the years she has instilled a guilt in you to prevent this fear from coming true in her life. Borderlines need control, she has brainwashed you into feeling guilty about leaving wayyy before you ever thought about leaving. This is because she foresaw it. She knows(or thinks) she isn't good enough for you and is constantly in fear of the day you 'abandon'(in her mind) her. This is why you are feeling this way. You have to be aware that this is not her fault and she is not a 'bad' person for doing this to you. She is sick. Please don't ever feel like I am saying she is a bad person. You will have to realize that you are not solely responsible for her wellbeing. You can (and probably should) leave. Talk to a lawyer if you feel you are legally responsible, though I very much doubt you would be.

 

She's a patient, no longer my lovely wife.

Somewhere inside is the lovely wife you knew, behind all her barriers and fears and everything else. Unfortunately unless she WANTS to be helped, there is nothing you can do, nothing the docs can do, nothing the psych ward can do. She will continue to abuse herself and people around her until she realizes that the only way to get better will take a **** LOAD of work on her part. Therapy is not some easy school-like sessions. Its re-training your mind.

 

The lucky part is that most borderlines seem to be very smart, so I have high hopes for her coming around at some point in her life. The unfortunate part is that *right now* you are in a situation where you have to ask yourself if you really care to stick around for the abuse. I hate to use that word but thats really what it is, and what it will be until she receives treatment.

 

I highly suggest the book "Sometimes I act Crazy - Living with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Jerold J. Kreidman, M.D. and Hal Straus. Authors of "I hate you. Don't leave me"

 

Its a book that explains the feelings, fears, round-abouts, splitting and the catch-22 situations of the Borderline patient. It also has valuable information that will help you train yourself to help her in the wording you use and when to "put your foot down", how to deal with the multitude of characters she portrays (a 'vulnerable child' one second, a tough angry woman the next).

 

Living with a Borderline patient is nothing short of walking on eggshells. Please get yourself some therapy because the controlling/manipulative borderline can easily change your mental state as well (pent up anger, needless guilt). There is no way 1 person can fulfill all the demands of borderline patiant. You need to understand this! Get your own space. She will have to get used to you needing this space, it is actually therapeutic for her.

 

I hope my babbles help, I've had some experience with BPD. My Psychiatrist told me that if certain events hadn't stopped me from going that route that I probably would have ended up with BPD myself. Thankfully I only experience some of the symptoms and in a much more toned down way.

 

If I look at it logically (kill all emotion and figure out the situation) I think that my husband would be happier if we separated. I also think that at the time I would definatly blame all my pain on him, play the victim and teach myself never to trust again but when all is said and done, life would go on. So will hers. In all probability she has already felt the heartbreak that your divorce would bring anyway, through her fears. They are so real to her that she can have affairs and manipulate and abuse you, you can be darn sure they are real enough for her to feel heartbroken and abandoned as if losing you was reality. Its not going to be a huge deal to her, she has dealt with this pain a multitude of times over already. I'm not saying she doesn't love you or need you, I'm just saying that the pain of divorce won't be anything new to her, she will deal with it better then both of you think IMO.